As I sit at the bedside of my alcoholic fiancee as he is sedated because he is going through withdrawals.
I'm struggling with how to handle things. I don't know what to do or say. I feel that his life is in jeopardy and I'm very scared.
I know he needs to make a decision to get sober on his own. I'm definitely not overstepping those boundaries.
But I am looking for any guidance or inspiration right now. I'm very scared.
tiredtonite said
Mar 11, 2018
Hi Itsjustme,
Welcome to MIP. That's a very hard place to be when you care for someone. Alcoholism is a terrible illness but your bf is in the hands of professionals and a higher power. I hope if you are not already attending Alanon, you are able to find in person Alanon support in your community. Attending meeting during such a crisis can help for feeling less alone. Self care is so important when someone we care about it hospitalized. I was not good support for my loved one if I didn't get enough sleep, remember to eat something, take care of my pets needs etc. I had to remember to let the people who were trained experts in care do what only they could do best, remembering to let go and let god manage all of it. Hp has a way of letting us know if hp needs our assistance. The fact that he is going through the withdrawal process in a hospital is a positive thing. He is being monitored by caring professionals.
I understand your feelings. It does feel scary to witness it and feel so powerless to help. Prayers for you and your bf during this difficult time. Keep coming back to share and update us. (((hugs))) TT
Itsjustme1988 said
Mar 11, 2018
I have not attended a meeting in several years. But plan on attending the next available one tomorrow night.
I am sleeping, eating & taking care of my pets.
I'm just unsure of what to do or say when at the hospital with him.
And I'm very confidant that he's in the right place. But I know that what happens after this is up to him.
Jerry F said
Mar 11, 2018
What I did was hang around, very closely, the Al-Anon family Groups....and I listened, listened, listened because they were the ones that went thru it before me. (((hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Mar 11, 2018
Welcome .. glad you are getting to a meeting .. I don't know where your faith base is however I renewed mine in alanon. P.U.S.H - pray until something happens .. nothing I say or do will make someone get sober or keep them there .. I really do try and give stuff over to my HP and let it go from there. There is a bigger better plan than mine .. big hugs .. keep coming back.
Bo said
Mar 11, 2018
I've sat at the bedside of the alcoholic/addict, after they were found unconscious and were taken to the hospital. I've sat on the other side of bullet-proof glass, and on the other side of a video monitor, while the alcoholic/addict was in jail. I've sat at the bedside of the alcoholic/addict, when they were strapped to the bed after a suicide attempt. I've sat on the other side of a table and on the phone, when the alcoholic/addict was in rehab, both expected and unexpectedly...and last but not least, same as you, at the bedside when the alcoholic/addict was in the hospital, sick, going through withdrawal.
What do I say? I've asked those questions many times. Well, in my experience, I categorized every single event into one of two categories. Voluntary or involuntary. Did they choose to quit and find recovery on their own. My sponsor suggested this could dictate how was I supposed to behave, react, choose, etc. When my wife decided on her own to find recovery and quit drinking/drugs -- I was there for her, in a healthy and supportive way. I was a bit of a cheerleader, a partner, and someone who loved them and supported them in their decision to get clean, sober, and live a life of recovery.
If this was involuntary, and they went to rehab involuntarily, got arrested, quit drinking/drugs BUT it was temporary, and they chose NOT to get into recovery, etc. -- then I was no longer a partner in their decision. I was not supporting them in their decision or in dealing with the consequences of their decision. I would be there for them, but in a different way, still healthy, but healthy for me, still supportive, but supportive for me. I found myself saying "I am sure you will figure that out" or "I am sure you will think about your options" or something along those lines. I was not cold, I did not abandon, but I was not going to be a partner or jump into the chaos, drama, turmoil, and havoc that resulted in the alcoholic/addict's decisions and actions. I certainly wasn't a cheerleader -- because the alcoholic/addict had NOT made a decision to quit and find recovery, so I was not cheering that decision, LOL.
I detached, both physically and emotionally -- regardless of the situation. I had boundaries, regardless of the situation. I immersed myself in acceptance, regardless of the situation. So, I focused on me, and I did the next thing in front of me. I spiked up my face to face meetings, and I spoke with my sponsor, more often, and constantly. Meeting makers make it. My sponsor helped me, and guided me, and gave me objective, unbiased, and much needed perspective and guidance.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Sunday 11th of March 2018 10:58:24 PM
Itsjustme1988 said
Mar 11, 2018
Bo said....... thank you, so much. Those were the words that I was seeking.
It was a voluntary admit to the hospital for detox. I have been by his side, I would think as a quiet cheerleader. I was afraid to do or say anything. Second guessing everything that I'm doing or not doing. I'm going to continue to give him my love & support, while hoping he makes the right decisions. You gave me some peace tonight, thanks again.
Bo said
Mar 11, 2018
You are welcome. Please remember, this was just my experience, what I did, what my sponsor and I discussed -- based upon my specific situation. My sponsor and I knew each other for 10 years and had been through this numerous times together. He knew me better than any family member, and had been through this with me, holding my hand, right there with me. Neither of us knows you or your situation.
The other thing I want to stress was the decision of the alcoholic/addict. When she decided she was going to quit, get better, get healthy, go to meetings, and live a life of recovery...I was in! That's recovery. When she decided she just wanted to stop drinking, whether it was for the day, a while, whatever, or control her drinking, monitor it, whatever, and was she not going to live a life or recovery, go to meetings, etc. -- then I was out! Period. When I say out, I was not punishing her or abandoning her. However, I was not going to be a partner in anything. I was not going to give her money, get her alcohol, get her and/or pay for attorneys, etc. I was more of an observer...because if that was going to be the way she lived her life...then I had some decisions to make...whether or not that was the way I wanted to live my life.
Iamhere said
Mar 12, 2018
Welcome to MIP itsjustme - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too have been where you are as well as in many other situations where words escaped me. What I've learned in recovery is I'm not expected to have all the answers and that's why we rely deeply on any power greater than self....this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. What has served me well based on working this program is saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean.
After 2 ODs, 12 treatment centers, 4 mental health admits and multiple jail + prison experiences, the program gave me comfort is accepting the disease concept. Each of these events, voluntary or not, were a part of the journey and my response and words never changed. For me, it became as simple as, "I love you and am sorry you are here. I am concerned about you as I truly want to see you happy, healthy and whole." Nothing more and nothing less. I have a deep fundamental belief in the disease concept, have learned how to love others unconditionally and allow them the shame/pain that comes from within because of the disease. Before recovery, I judged and I piled on and it never served any good for anyone.
Words are also optional. Being present is service in itself. Working a recovery program will show you how to set boundaries that protect you without punishing another as well as how to detach with loving respect. As a double-winner, I can share that the various situations I found myself in were far from fun. If I had the ability to change without an intervention by a HP, I would have voluntarily done so. Nobody chooses to be an alcoholic and once the disease is entrenched, no human power - self or others - can relieve the disease alone.
I hope that his detox goes well. I send my best to you as his loving support as well as him in his effort to get sober. Know that there is always hope and help in recovery!!
As I sit at the bedside of my alcoholic fiancee as he is sedated because he is going through withdrawals.
I'm struggling with how to handle things. I don't know what to do or say. I feel that his life is in jeopardy and I'm very scared.
I know he needs to make a decision to get sober on his own. I'm definitely not overstepping those boundaries.
But I am looking for any guidance or inspiration right now. I'm very scared.
Hi Itsjustme,
Welcome to MIP. That's a very hard place to be when you care for someone. Alcoholism is a terrible illness but your bf is in the hands of professionals and a higher power. I hope if you are not already attending Alanon, you are able to find in person Alanon support in your community. Attending meeting during such a crisis can help for feeling less alone. Self care is so important when someone we care about it hospitalized. I was not good support for my loved one if I didn't get enough sleep, remember to eat something, take care of my pets needs etc. I had to remember to let the people who were trained experts in care do what only they could do best, remembering to let go and let god manage all of it. Hp has a way of letting us know if hp needs our assistance. The fact that he is going through the withdrawal process in a hospital is a positive thing. He is being monitored by caring professionals.
I understand your feelings. It does feel scary to witness it and feel so powerless to help. Prayers for you and your bf during this difficult time. Keep coming back to share and update us. (((hugs))) TT
What I did was hang around, very closely, the Al-Anon family Groups....and I listened, listened, listened because they were the ones that went thru it before me. (((hugs)))
I've sat at the bedside of the alcoholic/addict, after they were found unconscious and were taken to the hospital. I've sat on the other side of bullet-proof glass, and on the other side of a video monitor, while the alcoholic/addict was in jail. I've sat at the bedside of the alcoholic/addict, when they were strapped to the bed after a suicide attempt. I've sat on the other side of a table and on the phone, when the alcoholic/addict was in rehab, both expected and unexpectedly...and last but not least, same as you, at the bedside when the alcoholic/addict was in the hospital, sick, going through withdrawal.
What do I say? I've asked those questions many times. Well, in my experience, I categorized every single event into one of two categories. Voluntary or involuntary. Did they choose to quit and find recovery on their own. My sponsor suggested this could dictate how was I supposed to behave, react, choose, etc. When my wife decided on her own to find recovery and quit drinking/drugs -- I was there for her, in a healthy and supportive way. I was a bit of a cheerleader, a partner, and someone who loved them and supported them in their decision to get clean, sober, and live a life of recovery.
If this was involuntary, and they went to rehab involuntarily, got arrested, quit drinking/drugs BUT it was temporary, and they chose NOT to get into recovery, etc. -- then I was no longer a partner in their decision. I was not supporting them in their decision or in dealing with the consequences of their decision. I would be there for them, but in a different way, still healthy, but healthy for me, still supportive, but supportive for me. I found myself saying "I am sure you will figure that out" or "I am sure you will think about your options" or something along those lines. I was not cold, I did not abandon, but I was not going to be a partner or jump into the chaos, drama, turmoil, and havoc that resulted in the alcoholic/addict's decisions and actions. I certainly wasn't a cheerleader -- because the alcoholic/addict had NOT made a decision to quit and find recovery, so I was not cheering that decision, LOL.
I detached, both physically and emotionally -- regardless of the situation. I had boundaries, regardless of the situation. I immersed myself in acceptance, regardless of the situation. So, I focused on me, and I did the next thing in front of me. I spiked up my face to face meetings, and I spoke with my sponsor, more often, and constantly. Meeting makers make it. My sponsor helped me, and guided me, and gave me objective, unbiased, and much needed perspective and guidance.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Sunday 11th of March 2018 10:58:24 PM
The other thing I want to stress was the decision of the alcoholic/addict. When she decided she was going to quit, get better, get healthy, go to meetings, and live a life of recovery...I was in! That's recovery. When she decided she just wanted to stop drinking, whether it was for the day, a while, whatever, or control her drinking, monitor it, whatever, and was she not going to live a life or recovery, go to meetings, etc. -- then I was out! Period. When I say out, I was not punishing her or abandoning her. However, I was not going to be a partner in anything. I was not going to give her money, get her alcohol, get her and/or pay for attorneys, etc. I was more of an observer...because if that was going to be the way she lived her life...then I had some decisions to make...whether or not that was the way I wanted to live my life.
After 2 ODs, 12 treatment centers, 4 mental health admits and multiple jail + prison experiences, the program gave me comfort is accepting the disease concept. Each of these events, voluntary or not, were a part of the journey and my response and words never changed. For me, it became as simple as, "I love you and am sorry you are here. I am concerned about you as I truly want to see you happy, healthy and whole." Nothing more and nothing less. I have a deep fundamental belief in the disease concept, have learned how to love others unconditionally and allow them the shame/pain that comes from within because of the disease. Before recovery, I judged and I piled on and it never served any good for anyone.
Words are also optional. Being present is service in itself. Working a recovery program will show you how to set boundaries that protect you without punishing another as well as how to detach with loving respect. As a double-winner, I can share that the various situations I found myself in were far from fun. If I had the ability to change without an intervention by a HP, I would have voluntarily done so. Nobody chooses to be an alcoholic and once the disease is entrenched, no human power - self or others - can relieve the disease alone.
I hope that his detox goes well. I send my best to you as his loving support as well as him in his effort to get sober. Know that there is always hope and help in recovery!!