I have struggled with drinking for years but have been sober for 3 months. I am married to an alcoholic. I need to learn how to continue my sobriety and hopefully stay married because I love my husband but I dont know how to deal with my sobriety and him continuing to drink. He has had dui's and legal issues but still continues to drink. I have been reading and know that I cant change anyone and I need to focus on myself and not his drinking, looking for support. I have never gone to a meeting, this is my first post ever. Thanks.
Aline said
Mar 11, 2018
Hi and welcome! Its great you are reaching out - you are in the right place. Congratulations on you sobriety, and I'm sorry you are in the spot that you are with your husband. I suggest attending face to face Al-Anon meetings, I have found support there, where I would never have step my foot in previously, because I thought I was too "cool" for something like that :D I had to reach my bottom before I considered getting help, and I am very grateful I did. There are also online meetings here on MIP, if you are unable to make it f2f.
You are right that we can't change another person. I tried multiple straightforward and sneaky ways to make my ex-abf stop drinking for years, and it just didn't work. In fact, I did a great deal of enabling, thinking all the while I was doing the right thing or acting out of fear. My ex-boyfriend's alcoholism had impacted me in many ways, and many of those I didn't even realize when I came to Al-Anon.
Keep coming back, keep reading, keep sharing. There really is hope and help available in this program :)
Freetime said
Mar 11, 2018
Hello and I'm glad you reached out here. I too would encourage you to find an Al-Anon meeting. While I'm not in your exact situation, some of my favorite people in the Al-Anon meetings are the "double winners" who work both programs.
Welcome to the journey... you are not alone.
Maresie said
Mar 11, 2018
Well I was with an alcoholic/addict who had a lot of legal issues. The amount he spent on tickets waa huge
Al anon can help you whether you stay married or not.
Joining al anon.was one of the best decisions of my life
Jerry F said
Mar 11, 2018
Aloha Need to believe and welcome to the board. I am considered a "double" and there are other "doubles" on the board too. I was born into this disease and knew nothing about it or how it worked until I followed the suggestions of getting to face to face meetings, keeping and open mind and listening to how the "winners" worked it. It takes that "open mind" and patience and commitment to sobriety and sanity, anything less makes this a hard fought endeavor.
I married the women I drank with until with the program my drinking and the women I drank with went to zero and the women in program went to great numbers. I was around sober people 24/7 and could be accused of duplicating what they learned and practiced. I came in to recovery on 2/8/79 and will do my next Al-Anon meeting for myself in an hour.
My alcoholic addict decided to continue drinking and using after I stopped and I continue to love her unconditionally though I haven't seen or spoken to her in decades. The last time I saw her she was clean and sober and was my metaphor for humility and still is.
Please get to the face to face meetings which you will find the phone number to in the white pages of your local telephone book. Go and go early and make contact with the elders in recovery who have much to share with you about clean and sober while learning how to live with the insanity of our disease.
I'm on my way to my Serenity on Sunday group and will keep you in my thoughts. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Bo said
Mar 11, 2018
Go to face to face alanon meetings. As many as you can. Focus on YOU. Find a sponsor and start working with him/her. Immerse yourself in acceptance. Learn, everything you can, about detachment, both physical and emotional. The same regarding boundaries. Keep coming back.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 11, 2018
I'm going take a different direction my personal opinion is your physical sobriety is most important if you are not attending AA meetings go. Get a sponsor. Work the steps and then move to alanon. Your sobriety comes first. My humble opinion because your spouse is going to drink or not drink .. what are you going to do. First thing first .. your sobriety. Big hugs.
Iamhere said
Mar 12, 2018
Welcome to MIP Need! Glad you found us and glad you shared. I am also a double-winner - sober through AA and a bit more sane and serene about the consumption of others through Al-Anon. I will suggest, as mentioned above that your own sobriety should be considered your top priority. I too would encourage you to attend meetings, and get grounded in AA with a dual-sponsor if possible....there are more double-winner than most know as we typically try to keep our focus aligned with the attended meeting.
AA suggests in how it works that we must be willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. That thought popped into my head as I read your share. What I love about recovery is we are never expected to have all the answers right now nor are we to be expected to make big decisions immediately. Both programs focus on One Day at a Time, First Things First and Keeping it Simple. So - there is no real reason to worry about the success or not of your marriage, just for today....Instead, just focus on staying sober and keeping your mind centered on recovery.
In my case, I attend more AA meetings than Al-Anon. My morning prayers include 4 things, in the order I am hopeful for - Sober, Serene, Sane and of Service. I am fortunate that our area also offers some mixed meetings where all are included and all can share accordingly. AA does suggest 90 meetings in 90 days...there is no reason that 90 can't include a mix based on your situation/needs.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
You are right that we can't change another person. I tried multiple straightforward and sneaky ways to make my ex-abf stop drinking for years, and it just didn't work. In fact, I did a great deal of enabling, thinking all the while I was doing the right thing or acting out of fear. My ex-boyfriend's alcoholism had impacted me in many ways, and many of those I didn't even realize when I came to Al-Anon.
Keep coming back, keep reading, keep sharing. There really is hope and help available in this program :)
Welcome to the journey... you are not alone.
Well I was with an alcoholic/addict who had a lot of legal issues. The amount he spent on tickets waa huge
Al anon can help you whether you stay married or not.
Joining al anon.was one of the best decisions of my life
Aloha Need to believe and welcome to the board. I am considered a "double" and there are other "doubles" on the board too. I was born into this disease and knew nothing about it or how it worked until I followed the suggestions of getting to face to face meetings, keeping and open mind and listening to how the "winners" worked it. It takes that "open mind" and patience and commitment to sobriety and sanity, anything less makes this a hard fought endeavor.
I married the women I drank with until with the program my drinking and the women I drank with went to zero and the women in program went to great numbers. I was around sober people 24/7 and could be accused of duplicating what they learned and practiced. I came in to recovery on 2/8/79 and will do my next Al-Anon meeting for myself in an hour.
My alcoholic addict decided to continue drinking and using after I stopped and I continue to love her unconditionally though I haven't seen or spoken to her in decades. The last time I saw her she was clean and sober and was my metaphor for humility and still is.
Please get to the face to face meetings which you will find the phone number to in the white pages of your local telephone book. Go and go early and make contact with the elders in recovery who have much to share with you about clean and sober while learning how to live with the insanity of our disease.
I'm on my way to my Serenity on Sunday group and will keep you in my thoughts. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
AA suggests in how it works that we must be willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. That thought popped into my head as I read your share. What I love about recovery is we are never expected to have all the answers right now nor are we to be expected to make big decisions immediately. Both programs focus on One Day at a Time, First Things First and Keeping it Simple. So - there is no real reason to worry about the success or not of your marriage, just for today....Instead, just focus on staying sober and keeping your mind centered on recovery.
In my case, I attend more AA meetings than Al-Anon. My morning prayers include 4 things, in the order I am hopeful for - Sober, Serene, Sane and of Service. I am fortunate that our area also offers some mixed meetings where all are included and all can share accordingly. AA does suggest 90 meetings in 90 days...there is no reason that 90 can't include a mix based on your situation/needs.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!