Does anyone have any ESH on not having kids for one reason or another? Need to let go of the dream at 51?

Hi Hootnanny,
I'm 55 soon to be.i have 2 grown kids both married and live away,Daughter in Japan her husband military,with 3 grandsons,been living over seas 10 yrs,due to come back to states next year this time,still be living far out into the states from me,
Son n wife live 3 towns away from me,
Yes I'm mostly alone ,have been for several years now,got a little Yorkypoo I've had for 11 yrs,does help a good bit,
I've started getting out more since working my program in alanon
I'm grateful for alanon for a lot has been lifted from me ,stress wise,I don't worry as much and am better able to live my own life without haveing to have someone live it for me.
I've learned to let go ,with time ,still miss my kids ,I know one day we will be together ,I guess just holding onto that idea does help me with my letting go....I hope I've said something here that can or may help you with letting go,
i may have gotten off track with what your looking for,others with more esh will have more to share......hugs lu

I will be 51 next month...and not having children was a major factor in my marriage. Of course the drinking got worse when I told my wife I was not going to start a family, nor would I proceed with adoption, which we had been aggressively pursuing. We got to a juncture, where I had to make a decision. I finally mustered up the courage -- yes, courage -- and told her that I was not comfortable moving ahead with starting a family, or adoption, and I wouldn't pursue either, due to her drinking. I said we were either going to address it, openly and honestly, so that each of us knew where the other stood, and perhaps we would then know where "we" stood, as a couple, in our marriage. And, if she didn't want to discuss that was OK. I explained that either we would discuss it and perhaps make some decisions collectively, or not; or we would not discuss it, because she didn't want to, and that in and of itself would make a statement to me, and then I might make some decisions individually.

I didn't have children in my 30's because, simply put, I was afraid. Long story. In my late 30's, 40, 41, I "agreed" to move ahead, but I did so not feeling comfortable, due to both the fear and my wife's drinking and drug use. I very clearly saw myself as a divorced, single parent, as my wife was spiraling out of control. Later on, when I wanted kids, I was divorced. However, just for today. One can adopt, one can still have kids, in other ways. There are always possibilities. For me, the so called dream -- I had to face it and face it head on. I ran right toward and right up to the lion! I immersed myself in acceptance -- yet didn't dwell on the negative. I didn't analyze. I just focused on acceptance, and also being grateful for my life, for getting better, and being healthy. I accepted, but just for today. And some very amazing and positive things happened.

I don't think it's about letting go of a dream, because this is about me. When the dream is about the other person -- the dream of the alcoholic stopping drinking -- that's when you have a lot of work to do in my opinion and in my experience.

All the best.

Maybe it's just not what your HP wants for you. Maybe he/she has something else in mind for you. You don't really get to choose, you're either all in or not in.
Trust, Kathleen. It's going to be OK.

Not exactly the same because i do have 1 child. However, i was not able to have more. I had alot of guilt, as this was a new relationship and i wanted to have more of a family with him. i had sadness over the unmet expectation. i decided to look at it another way. Gratitude, being young enough to enjoy my "youth" while not worrying about little kids. Sleeping through the night :) This was my HP's plan for me. you got this!

I don't have children and as I turn 40 this year and have an alcohol BF so my time is up and that dream is lost. It's leaving me lost, angry, frustrated etc. I have to live one day at a time. one minute at a time. focusing on the here and now. Trying to look at what is good in my life, my reasons for hanging on. I'm not sure my share will help but it's all I have.