I'm writing as I recognised after a difficult Al-Anon meeting tonight, that one of the reasons I'm angry with my A is because I'm worried that my second marriage will break up and I fear that happening. I fear finding out that the boundaries my anger hides might make the decision for me, that I have to call time on the marriage and be alone - just at a point when I was hoping for some serenity after a difficult and painful life following adoption-gone-wrong problems.
My husband's addiction has made him emotionally unavailable in many ways, and I fear that as I grow through Al-Anon, we will not be compatible.
I do know that growth is good, and yes, one day at a time, and yes, I feel and acknowledge my HP will manage things I don't yet understand.
It's just sometimes, the worry is overwhelming and I wondered if anyone else had felt like this?
Aline said
Mar 7, 2018
Hi, Belle. I can relate in a way. I see now that what I did for years - tolerating verbal abuse, blaming, the fact that I became the only one of the two who earned any money, the fact that I did most of the chores - was possible for so long only because of my denial, I denied these things bothered me or were unacceptable to me, and part of it was - I didn't want to see my ex-abf as he was because if I was honest with myself I may have left long ago. Our life views do not match anymore, though they largely did when we met as teenagers. I denied my feelings so that I could stay. It wasn't the only reason, but it was a significant part. I hope you take care of yourself. ((((Hugs))))
Bo said
Mar 7, 2018
I can absolutely relate to this, so very much. However, my thinking was always different than most -- and it was never a question or debate. When I decided to leave my marriage, I went to an extreme and took for granted I would be alone, forever. But, in all of my thinking, and I had tremendous clarity around the fact that I would be happier and healthier alone...than I would be in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage. Period. End of story.
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Alone is a point in time. Lonely is a state of mind.
I had a fear of being alone. Of being lonely. But I was far better off than being in an unhappy and unhealthy home, marriage, etc. I didn't negotiate, rationalize, vacillate, or go through denial. I didn't fool myself. I didn't convince myself that it was OK. I didn't allow the unbearable to be bearable. I didn't allow the unacceptable to be acceptable. I didn't lower my standards and talk myself into it being OK. I couldn't be in a marriage with someone who was emotionally unavailable and emotionally not present. I couldn't be in a marriage with someone who was incapable of being in a marriage, and be nothing more than a roommate. For me, I wanted it all. I had it. Then it was gone. I accepted this. I wouldn't settle. And today my life is wonderful. I have never been happier.
That's just me. I can't say this for anyone else. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Jen said
Mar 7, 2018
That fear that if we get better and they don't then we'll leave them behind is pretty common, I think. I know I dealt with it. And, unfortunately, I can't tell you that it won't happen, because sometimes it does. I can tell you that sometimes it doesn't. My husband and I were so sick at one point that I knew if I didn't work my program, he'd take me down with him. I had to detach and save myself. We had a small son that I had to take care of.
We separated for several months, but in that time he finally found sobriety. I continued to work my program, and he worked his. Slowly, we worked a program of family recovery that saved our relationship and our marriage.
It doesn't always work out that way, but sometimes it does.
All that is to say that only HP knows and it's ok. Take care of yourself and you will be ok.
In recovery,
Mattie said
Mar 7, 2018
You write, "I have to call time on the marriage and be alone - just at a point when I was hoping for some serenity..."
I note that you equate being in the marriage with serenity. But if being in the marriage were comforting and consoling, it wouldn't have the issues it does, would it?
You also write "My husband's addiction has made him emotionally unavailable in many ways, and I fear that as I grow through Al-Anon, we will not be compatible." Is it okay with him being emotionally unavailable now? Al-Anon won't make him any less unavailable. He does that on his own.
When I contemplated separating from my AH, I was pretty terrified that I would feel almost unbearable loss and loneliness. I put it off literally for years. Finally the situation became so intolerable that I did split up with him. He had been emotionally unavailable for a long time by that point. I couldn't trust that what he said was true, and his intimacy was with the bottle rather than with me. Still, being completely on my own was so frightening. Then the day he actually moved out was one of horrible anxiety. I asked all my friends if I wasn't making a huge mistake, and I was baffled about how they could be so sure that that was the right thing to do.
The next day I woke up and I felt an amazing sense of peace. No more worrying about lies, no more moodiness, no more apprehension about whether the day was going to be chaotic, whether he was going to fall off the wagon for the 10,000th time, no more walking on eggshells, no more hostility. I had no idea I was going to feel so calm and free. I had done a lot of worrying about something that didn't happen.
That's my experience. Everyone is different. Take good care of yourself.
el-cee said
Mar 7, 2018
Im alone. I left my ex ah almost 9 yrs ago, I left not only him behind but my home and everything in it and my teenage daughter who refused to come with me. I had reached the point where it was scarier to stay in my mind. My decision was impulsive and part of my sick thinking now looking back on it. I just uprooted my two sons, signed a lease and moved in all in the space of a few hours. I can see now it was fear and panic and desperation that were behind my decision. Alcoholism had been running riot in my family for years and it just took its toll. I got into Alanon about 3yrs later because things did not get better for my sons whose behaviour went downhill.
The last 6yrs in Alanon have been the most serene stable calm happy years of my whole life. Im not recovered but im recovering and the best thing is I have a higher power who gives me everything I need, everything. Ive been dating now for a couple of years but I live on my own today and its peaceful and quiet and I love it. Its usually faulty beliefs that fear comes from, if you keep working the program you might find that faulty belief and work through it, it seems to be the way it works or has worked for me. Its a process.
hotrod said
Mar 7, 2018
(((Belle)) You have received great ESH and there is little I can add except to note that program asks us to keep showing up, not project and trust HP.
In the he 11th step we pray for knowledge of HP's will as well as THE POWER TO CARRY IT OUT " This was great comfort to me as I felt assured that I would be given the tools to constructively act on any situation. and I was
I would like to add I stayed in my marriage, used alanon tools and all was well for 6 years until he developed cancer and passed shortly thereafter. To my great surprise , I was able too handle this loss with courage, serenity and wisdom.
Keep showing up program worka
Belle Again said
Mar 7, 2018
Thanks so much for responding to my post everybody. Its of real benefit to have your comments.
Think I'm feeling sorry for myself and perhaps feeling a bit like a victim too - being pushed into facing challenges when I want a rest from having to do this,instead of owning my growth
like I would have earlier in my life.
I've started trying to make a life for myself by getting out and doing some different things and hope I can wake myself up a bit through doing this.
Also in recovery,
Maresie said
Mar 7, 2018
I don't necessarily see divorce as a failure any more
.i.discovered recently my ex husband died. While our relationship was really tumultuous there were good things about it There was a lot of good that came from it. That was for both of us In that relationship that was decades ago both of us began to explore our childhood. I got into therapy so did he. Apparently he stayed in therapy
I have to say that for a long long time I.felt tremendous resentment against him. I blamed him I saw all his shortcomings Lately in grieving his death (learning he was dead brought up certain things) I.have actually begun to feel compassion.for him. That would never have been on the horizon before
Whatever fear you have about your relationship isn't a fact A lot of marriages do not last. Some relationships do last but they are far from happy. There are no #givens#
For me Now at this time in my life no relationship is going to define me I was my relationship before I was merged
That was very very painful for me. Finding al.anon and going to therapy were so pivotal for me
-- Edited by Maresie on Wednesday 7th of March 2018 06:28:05 PM
Bo said
Mar 8, 2018
I never saw divorce as a failure. I saw it as something I would never do, that wouldn't happen to me. I did not see it as a stigma of any sort. Getting divorced was NOT MY FAULT. My wife cheating on me was NOT MY FAULT. The marriage, the cheating did not speak or say anything about me. It spoke volumes about her.
I could have stayed. But I didn't want a marriage, a life, that was just OK. I wanted what we had before the alcohol and drugs consumed her life. I was not going to make the unacceptable acceptable. I wasn't going to learn how to tolerate the intolerable. I didn't want to have to have an "out" and put up with a even a few times that things weren't good. I wanted and deserved all that life had to offer -- not settle with a couple of things that came along with it. That's just me.
When it comes to life...I had it all...then I didn't...and today, again, I do.
Iamhere said
Mar 8, 2018
(((Belle))) - what I have found about working on recovery is my views have changed. Many things I thought were horrible, hideous or disastrous actually were not at all. They were 'changes' and they were possibly 'painful' at the time, yet opened the door for me to do differently and great at teaching me more about this one life we are given.
What I love about Al-Anon is all we have to truly focus on is this one day. All that happened yesterday and/or before is already past and nothing we think, do, analyze, etc. will change that. We are asked to look at the past to learn from it and not dwell in it. Tomorrow and beyond are unknown so assuming we can project outcomes is part of the insanity we 'see' and work on with this program.
I love that you are trying new things. Taking those small steps to do something different is awesome program work and self-care. We are all imperfect people, and keeping things simple really helped me discover that who I am is far more important to me than what I have...Keep coming back! There is always hope and help in recovery.
Belle Again said
Mar 11, 2018
Thank you Maresie, Bo and Iamhere. Thanks for your words. Today the only thing I could do to prevent myself becoming really down was to think I could leave if I wanted.....that I had that choice.
My AH spends every evening outside in his studio whilst I am here in the house. I can tell how much he's had to drink by his demeanour. Today it wasn't the thought of the drink that got me down, it was the fact that there is no part of our life that allows us to go out or do anything together. He has refused to go away on breaks or holidays and says I can go if I want. I have no fear of doing that, but today I understood I would feel happier doing that if I was on my own. For the first time, I started to think I'd be happier on my own.
He's getting help through a weekly meeting at an addiction clinic but they suggest the alcoholic continues drinking whilst this happens as the support offered is to look at the problems underlying his alcoholism.
Thanks to Al-Anon, I've started not to focus on the alcohol.Today I was thinking about whether it's best for me to live in a relationship where we have no life together. I am trying not to make any quick moves, but today, I knew it wasn't best for me.
Maresie said
Mar 11, 2018
I certainly had that with the now ex A. I once paid for a trip he ran back early. I had so much resentment about it Now I would take such a trip on.my own. But then I was glued to the #us#
Leaving was not an option for me for a long long time
I do know adopting a lot of the al anon tools saved me from the angst. It still dies
I'm writing as I recognised after a difficult Al-Anon meeting tonight, that one of the reasons I'm angry with my A is because I'm worried that my second marriage will break up and I fear that happening. I fear finding out that the boundaries my anger hides might make the decision for me, that I have to call time on the marriage and be alone - just at a point when I was hoping for some serenity after a difficult and painful life following adoption-gone-wrong problems.
My husband's addiction has made him emotionally unavailable in many ways, and I fear that as I grow through Al-Anon, we will not be compatible.
I do know that growth is good, and yes, one day at a time, and yes, I feel and acknowledge my HP will manage things I don't yet understand.
It's just sometimes, the worry is overwhelming and I wondered if anyone else had felt like this?
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Alone is a point in time. Lonely is a state of mind.
I had a fear of being alone. Of being lonely. But I was far better off than being in an unhappy and unhealthy home, marriage, etc. I didn't negotiate, rationalize, vacillate, or go through denial. I didn't fool myself. I didn't convince myself that it was OK. I didn't allow the unbearable to be bearable. I didn't allow the unacceptable to be acceptable. I didn't lower my standards and talk myself into it being OK. I couldn't be in a marriage with someone who was emotionally unavailable and emotionally not present. I couldn't be in a marriage with someone who was incapable of being in a marriage, and be nothing more than a roommate. For me, I wanted it all. I had it. Then it was gone. I accepted this. I wouldn't settle. And today my life is wonderful. I have never been happier.
That's just me. I can't say this for anyone else. Take what you like and leave the rest.
You write, "I have to call time on the marriage and be alone - just at a point when I was hoping for some serenity..."
I note that you equate being in the marriage with serenity. But if being in the marriage were comforting and consoling, it wouldn't have the issues it does, would it?
You also write "My husband's addiction has made him emotionally unavailable in many ways, and I fear that as I grow through Al-Anon, we will not be compatible." Is it okay with him being emotionally unavailable now? Al-Anon won't make him any less unavailable. He does that on his own.
When I contemplated separating from my AH, I was pretty terrified that I would feel almost unbearable loss and loneliness. I put it off literally for years. Finally the situation became so intolerable that I did split up with him. He had been emotionally unavailable for a long time by that point. I couldn't trust that what he said was true, and his intimacy was with the bottle rather than with me. Still, being completely on my own was so frightening. Then the day he actually moved out was one of horrible anxiety. I asked all my friends if I wasn't making a huge mistake, and I was baffled about how they could be so sure that that was the right thing to do.
The next day I woke up and I felt an amazing sense of peace. No more worrying about lies, no more moodiness, no more apprehension about whether the day was going to be chaotic, whether he was going to fall off the wagon for the 10,000th time, no more walking on eggshells, no more hostility. I had no idea I was going to feel so calm and free. I had done a lot of worrying about something that didn't happen.
That's my experience. Everyone is different. Take good care of yourself.
Im alone. I left my ex ah almost 9 yrs ago, I left not only him behind but my home and everything in it and my teenage daughter who refused to come with me. I had reached the point where it was scarier to stay in my mind. My decision was impulsive and part of my sick thinking now looking back on it. I just uprooted my two sons, signed a lease and moved in all in the space of a few hours. I can see now it was fear and panic and desperation that were behind my decision. Alcoholism had been running riot in my family for years and it just took its toll. I got into Alanon about 3yrs later because things did not get better for my sons whose behaviour went downhill.
The last 6yrs in Alanon have been the most serene stable calm happy years of my whole life. Im not recovered but im recovering and the best thing is I have a higher power who gives me everything I need, everything. Ive been dating now for a couple of years but I live on my own today and its peaceful and quiet and I love it. Its usually faulty beliefs that fear comes from, if you keep working the program you might find that faulty belief and work through it, it seems to be the way it works or has worked for me. Its a process.
In the he 11th step we pray for knowledge of HP's will as well as THE POWER TO CARRY IT OUT " This was great comfort to me as I felt assured that I would be given the tools to constructively act on any situation. and I was
I would like to add I stayed in my marriage, used alanon tools and all was well for 6 years until he developed cancer and passed shortly thereafter. To my great surprise , I was able too handle this loss with courage, serenity and wisdom.
Keep showing up program worka
Think I'm feeling sorry for myself and perhaps feeling a bit like a victim too - being pushed into facing challenges when I want a rest from having to do this,instead of owning my growth
like I would have earlier in my life.
I've started trying to make a life for myself by getting out and doing some different things and hope I can wake myself up a bit through doing this.
Also in recovery,
I don't necessarily see divorce as a failure any more
.i.discovered recently my ex husband died. While our relationship was really tumultuous there were good things about it There was a lot of good that came from it. That was for both of us In that relationship that was decades ago both of us began to explore our childhood. I got into therapy so did he. Apparently he stayed in therapy
I have to say that for a long long time I.felt tremendous resentment against him. I blamed him I saw all his shortcomings Lately in grieving his death (learning he was dead brought up certain things) I.have actually begun to feel compassion.for him. That would never have been on the horizon before
Whatever fear you have about your relationship isn't a fact A lot of marriages do not last. Some relationships do last but they are far from happy. There are no #givens#
For me Now at this time in my life no relationship is going to define me I was my relationship before I was merged
That was very very painful for me. Finding al.anon and going to therapy were so pivotal for me
-- Edited by Maresie on Wednesday 7th of March 2018 06:28:05 PM
I could have stayed. But I didn't want a marriage, a life, that was just OK. I wanted what we had before the alcohol and drugs consumed her life. I was not going to make the unacceptable acceptable. I wasn't going to learn how to tolerate the intolerable. I didn't want to have to have an "out" and put up with a even a few times that things weren't good. I wanted and deserved all that life had to offer -- not settle with a couple of things that came along with it. That's just me.
When it comes to life...I had it all...then I didn't...and today, again, I do.
What I love about Al-Anon is all we have to truly focus on is this one day. All that happened yesterday and/or before is already past and nothing we think, do, analyze, etc. will change that. We are asked to look at the past to learn from it and not dwell in it. Tomorrow and beyond are unknown so assuming we can project outcomes is part of the insanity we 'see' and work on with this program.
I love that you are trying new things. Taking those small steps to do something different is awesome program work and self-care. We are all imperfect people, and keeping things simple really helped me discover that who I am is far more important to me than what I have...Keep coming back! There is always hope and help in recovery.
My AH spends every evening outside in his studio whilst I am here in the house. I can tell how much he's had to drink by his demeanour. Today it wasn't the thought of the drink that got me down, it was the fact that there is no part of our life that allows us to go out or do anything together. He has refused to go away on breaks or holidays and says I can go if I want. I have no fear of doing that, but today I understood I would feel happier doing that if I was on my own. For the first time, I started to think I'd be happier on my own.
He's getting help through a weekly meeting at an addiction clinic but they suggest the alcoholic continues drinking whilst this happens as the support offered is to look at the problems underlying his alcoholism.
Thanks to Al-Anon, I've started not to focus on the alcohol.Today I was thinking about whether it's best for me to live in a relationship where we have no life together. I am trying not to make any quick moves, but today, I knew it wasn't best for me.
I certainly had that with the now ex A. I once paid for a trip he ran back early. I had so much resentment about it Now I would take such a trip on.my own. But then I was glued to the #us#
Leaving was not an option for me for a long long time
I do know adopting a lot of the al anon tools saved me from the angst. It still dies