In my home group, we have been working the steps as a group on Thursday nights. I've found it useful to work through them again.
Today, I came home from my Sunday meeting to a cheerful wife. We walked our Chloe, and met the neighbors from across the street for the first time. We stayed and chatted with them a long time, and they seemed nice. My wife said she really enjoyed meeting them. We also had a really nice chat about my program and how positive I was feeling about it. Then, we walked the ninnies (our 2 cattle dogs, they are all hyper all the time, and very comical). About half way through that walk, I noticed something off. (Well, more off than her friendliness with the neighbors, lol!) She seemed to be hallucinating but aware of it as it was happening. We got back home, and I thought something smelled wrong. She was drinking in the bedroom, and hiding it. This isn't the first time I thought she had relapsed, but it is the first time I saw it. I told her that we would talk about it later, and it was her choice what she was going to do with the alcohol. I reminded her of my boundary that I will not be with her if she is drinking. She dumped out the can she had in her hand, swore up and down that that one can was all she had, and she'd only had a few sips,this was the first time, etc, etc. But after she passed out, I found a bag full of empties and a stash of several cans, which I put in clear sight on the kitchen counter. I'm not looking for bottles, but I also know her, and I am sick of the lies. I thought long and hard before I looked for her stash. I think she was drinking last weekend, and I think she's been drinking more often when I am at my Al-Anon meetings. (she isn't creative, the bag of empties is always under dirty laundry by the bed, and the unopened cans are always in the bottom nightstand drawer.) I know what she does is none of my business, and it isn't my job to dump out her alcohol. (I didn't, I left the unopened cans unopened.) And, I am also done believing her lies. She's been at her recovery for nearly three years now, and slowly I've given her my trust. I have been letting her drive my car occasionally, and I've been giving her my credit card on Sundays to fill her gas tank while I am at my meeting. I feel pretty betrayed by her actions today, because she used my card to buy her alcohol, or she has a stash of cash that she has been using to buy the alcohol because I have been helping her out with gas money.
I've been sitting here all afternoon feeling my powerlessness over this disease.
I'm not angry, I'm not upset or hurt or anything like that. I'm just feeling powerless. But, thanks to Al-Anon, I am not feeling alone.
I've located all my spare car keys, and they are all going to be with me now all the time. I think she drank and drove my car last Sunday, looking back now on things. It wouldn't be the first time she's driven under the influence.
I don't know what I want to do, but I do know that I set a boundary. I will not live with an active alcoholic. I have some boundary enforcing to do.. I'm not sure what that looks like. For today, it looks like cooking us pizza, putting the alcohol out in the open, restating my boundary that I will not stay with her while she is drinking, making chicken for the ninnies (I make their food, that's a long story for another time), prayer, refusing to engage, walking away, letting her pass out on the sofa, and covering her up with a blanket.
I don't know what tomorrow will look like, but I'm ok where I am right now, and I'm going to let tomorrow take care of itself.
hotrod said
Mar 4, 2018
((Skorpi)) You are amazing.
I love how you practice this program and are trusting HP. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. You are not alone
Iamhere said
Mar 4, 2018
(((Skorpi))) - sending tons of hugs, positive thoughts and prayers. I can so relate to that sitting still and fully experiencing the powerlessness. We've also experienced many relapses, and with this program, I also learned that I can remain calm, protect myself and modify/enforce my boundaries with detachment and love. I also understand the hurt and disappointment, and love how you are leaning into the program, tools and HP to know it's not a reflection on you at all in any way, shape or form.
We are here as best we can be....
Bo said
Mar 4, 2018
All good and healthy stuff...thank you for posting.
I remember going through very similar incidents with my wife. Time and time again, I did what I did. After I was doing the steps, I changed my thinking and my reaction(s) a bit. And when I did -- BANG!!! Everything fell into place for me. It was truly amazing, and empowering.
Keep up the good work.
AnnieFenk321 said
Mar 4, 2018
Oh skorpi - firstly its good to hear from you. Know I look out for you here and you have given me really helpful ESH in the past.
Second, wow how hard. I remember that horrible fmeeling of making a "discovery" of some bottles or a can or whatever. It's such a sad feeling. I remember it would often happen when I felt like we had been connecting and it made everything else seem like a sham, even the happy memories we recast in this light by my mind.
You seem to be doing amazing. It's wonderful to be able to acknowlegde your powerlessness. It also sounds like you're taking good constructive action while at the same time avoiding any impulsive steps by pausing and holding off major decisions.
Keep up the good work. Keep coming back, it's good to hear from you.
Annie
Aline said
Mar 5, 2018
Hugs, ((((Skorpi)))). Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry this stuff is happening, but so good to "hear" you handling it ODAT with the help of the program. Keep coming back
Skorpi said
Mar 5, 2018
Thanks so much, everyone. It was a long sleepless night for me, but my head was not swimming with thoughts - just empty. And still, I couldn't sleep. How odd.
Leaning into my program today. I have a very intense week at work this week and travel next week for work. I don't want to take this stuff with me to work. Things are going too well there to let this cloud my day.
I am going to have to decide what to do about my boundaries tonight. A slight complication is that I was counting on AW to look after the dogs and cats while I am traveling, and because of a variety of decisions we made in the fall, I don't have the credit available to pay for boarding. But, I am counting on HP to help me sort this all out. It will work out. I am just not sure how yet.
Iamhere said
Mar 5, 2018
(((skorpi))) - positive thoughts and prayers continue...breathe and focus on just this day.
Skorpi said
Mar 7, 2018
A quick update:
Taking things one day at a time and letting AW deal with her relapse herself allowed her the time to seek help, apologize, and recognize herself that recovery is not something she can do alone.
She's promised to repay the money she spent on alcohol, found an online group, set an appointment with a new therapist, and committed to attending face-to-face meetings.
I reiterated my boundaries, and said that I need to see her actively engaged in recovery every day, and going to meetings every week. (This was in response to her stated plan, not a plan I had for her.)
Things are far from perfect, but I feel balanced, and I will wait and see what happens. Today, I have hope that she will get better with dedicated attention to her own recovery, and I am more certain of my own program than I was last week.
I have so much gratitude for AlAnon and all of you who are walking this path with me. I can see first hand that this program works when I work it.
hotrod said
Mar 7, 2018
((Skorpi))) I love how you shared that things were far from "Perfect". Prior to program i needed everything in my life to be "Perfect" or I felt destroyed. Entering Alanon I soon discovered that being human, I was an imperfect being and that things did not have to be perfect to be enjoyable. I view this a a gift from alanon so that I am now able to accept portions of my life that are far from perfect ,use my tools and learn how to thrive. That is the sense I received from this posting. Thank you.
Sending positive thoughts along the way
Iamhere said
Mar 7, 2018
Skorpi - thanks for the update - you and she have been on my mind and in my heart. I love how you are able to focus on what is and and what is working vs. all that's not. This shift in my outlook has been directly related to recovery and your share reminds me that it does work when we work it.
In my home group, we have been working the steps as a group on Thursday nights. I've found it useful to work through them again.
Today, I came home from my Sunday meeting to a cheerful wife. We walked our Chloe, and met the neighbors from across the street for the first time. We stayed and chatted with them a long time, and they seemed nice. My wife said she really enjoyed meeting them. We also had a really nice chat about my program and how positive I was feeling about it. Then, we walked the ninnies (our 2 cattle dogs, they are all hyper all the time, and very comical). About half way through that walk, I noticed something off. (Well, more off than her friendliness with the neighbors, lol!) She seemed to be hallucinating but aware of it as it was happening. We got back home, and I thought something smelled wrong. She was drinking in the bedroom, and hiding it. This isn't the first time I thought she had relapsed, but it is the first time I saw it. I told her that we would talk about it later, and it was her choice what she was going to do with the alcohol. I reminded her of my boundary that I will not be with her if she is drinking. She dumped out the can she had in her hand, swore up and down that that one can was all she had, and she'd only had a few sips,this was the first time, etc, etc. But after she passed out, I found a bag full of empties and a stash of several cans, which I put in clear sight on the kitchen counter. I'm not looking for bottles, but I also know her, and I am sick of the lies. I thought long and hard before I looked for her stash. I think she was drinking last weekend, and I think she's been drinking more often when I am at my Al-Anon meetings. (she isn't creative, the bag of empties is always under dirty laundry by the bed, and the unopened cans are always in the bottom nightstand drawer.) I know what she does is none of my business, and it isn't my job to dump out her alcohol. (I didn't, I left the unopened cans unopened.) And, I am also done believing her lies. She's been at her recovery for nearly three years now, and slowly I've given her my trust. I have been letting her drive my car occasionally, and I've been giving her my credit card on Sundays to fill her gas tank while I am at my meeting. I feel pretty betrayed by her actions today, because she used my card to buy her alcohol, or she has a stash of cash that she has been using to buy the alcohol because I have been helping her out with gas money.
I've been sitting here all afternoon feeling my powerlessness over this disease.
I'm not angry, I'm not upset or hurt or anything like that. I'm just feeling powerless. But, thanks to Al-Anon, I am not feeling alone.
I've located all my spare car keys, and they are all going to be with me now all the time. I think she drank and drove my car last Sunday, looking back now on things. It wouldn't be the first time she's driven under the influence.
I don't know what I want to do, but I do know that I set a boundary. I will not live with an active alcoholic. I have some boundary enforcing to do.. I'm not sure what that looks like. For today, it looks like cooking us pizza, putting the alcohol out in the open, restating my boundary that I will not stay with her while she is drinking, making chicken for the ninnies (I make their food, that's a long story for another time), prayer, refusing to engage, walking away, letting her pass out on the sofa, and covering her up with a blanket.
I don't know what tomorrow will look like, but I'm ok where I am right now, and I'm going to let tomorrow take care of itself.
I love how you practice this program and are trusting HP. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. You are not alone
We are here as best we can be....
I remember going through very similar incidents with my wife. Time and time again, I did what I did. After I was doing the steps, I changed my thinking and my reaction(s) a bit. And when I did -- BANG!!! Everything fell into place for me. It was truly amazing, and empowering.
Keep up the good work.
Second, wow how hard. I remember that horrible fmeeling of making a "discovery" of some bottles or a can or whatever. It's such a sad feeling. I remember it would often happen when I felt like we had been connecting and it made everything else seem like a sham, even the happy memories we recast in this light by my mind.
You seem to be doing amazing. It's wonderful to be able to acknowlegde your powerlessness. It also sounds like you're taking good constructive action while at the same time avoiding any impulsive steps by pausing and holding off major decisions.
Keep up the good work. Keep coming back, it's good to hear from you.
Annie
Leaning into my program today. I have a very intense week at work this week and travel next week for work. I don't want to take this stuff with me to work. Things are going too well there to let this cloud my day.
I am going to have to decide what to do about my boundaries tonight. A slight complication is that I was counting on AW to look after the dogs and cats while I am traveling, and because of a variety of decisions we made in the fall, I don't have the credit available to pay for boarding. But, I am counting on HP to help me sort this all out. It will work out. I am just not sure how yet.
Taking things one day at a time and letting AW deal with her relapse herself allowed her the time to seek help, apologize, and recognize herself that recovery is not something she can do alone.
She's promised to repay the money she spent on alcohol, found an online group, set an appointment with a new therapist, and committed to attending face-to-face meetings.
I reiterated my boundaries, and said that I need to see her actively engaged in recovery every day, and going to meetings every week. (This was in response to her stated plan, not a plan I had for her.)
Things are far from perfect, but I feel balanced, and I will wait and see what happens. Today, I have hope that she will get better with dedicated attention to her own recovery, and I am more certain of my own program than I was last week.
I have so much gratitude for AlAnon and all of you who are walking this path with me. I can see first hand that this program works when I work it.
Sending positive thoughts along the way
I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers!