Good Morning all. So this morning while going through my 14 yr olds social media I saw her post videos of her and her friends doing shots! Ugh! She was over at a friends for a sleepover- which was a Godsend because AH was having an episode. Iām so worried . I donāt know how to deal with this. I know as a teenager we all experimented, myself being one of the biggest partaker. I worry because alcoholism runs on both sides of the family. I have had many discussions with her in the past about the risks, especially because of the family issues with alcohol. Any shares would be greatly appreciated. I donāt want to confront her because she will know Iām snooping and thatās the only way I can keep an eye on what sheās up to.
StarryAmmo said
Mar 4, 2018
I'm new but I've raised 2 boys and 1 girl all the while all of us dealing with my AH. Raising children is NEVER easy. Boy, if someone would of told me what parents deal with I would of pondered on it longer. All the while still determined to have children..... gotta love them
My daughter about the same age did something similar. Worried and Scared me. One thing I learned was there is no privacy as a minor. I would rather have my children hate me if I save them even once from a dangerous situation. I had to tell her (going to sound harsh) I pay the Internet in pay the service on your cellphone. Until the day you do this instead of me I will look at EVERYTHING. All the while re-enforcing how much I LOVE HER.
My daughter is 24 now well rounded and mentally strong. She knows to be careful with history of addiction in the family.
This is just one life experience I've personally dealt with more times than I can count.
I hope you can find your way through the path of parenting. I think us mom's should be given lifetime achievement awards! We take care of everything and everyone. Including realizing we also have to take care of ourselves.
hotrod said
Mar 4, 2018
Hi Check the listing in the white pages for a listing of alateen meetings. Like alanon, alateen offers support to teens who are living with the disease It might be the perfect solution.
Iamhere said
Mar 4, 2018
I also imposed a 'no privacy as a minor' in my home. In my state, the parent(s) can be held liable and accountable for the actions of minors, and I did not want/need that added burden. Even though I monitored their activities, it did not stop this disease from affecting them directly. As we learn in Al-Anon, we are powerless over the actions, words, thoughts, deeds of others....even when they are our offspring.
I did learn how to define healthier boundaries in Al-Anon as well as how to detach from 'their rights' and more. One thing both of mine say now - 25 and 23 - is they always had plenty of friends and are glad I didn't try that - they needed a parent! Their father was not around much nor did he parent when he was around so ... good, bad or indifferent - they got me.
We also have this disease on both sides of the blood-line. You can never over-share on this disease with children who have the gene pool lottery for it. Having said that, parenting when we don't want to face the facts is a disservice to them and ourselves. I had no issue confronting things like this and never disclosing my 'source' - they never knew if I was snooping, another parent informed me, etc. JADE was very helpful when dealing with mine as TEENS.....
And - yes ... there is going to be a certain amount of experimenting. Yet, underage drinking is still against the law and a child should be grateful they were busted by parents instead of the law (I said this a few times also when I was handing out consequences). As with recovery, take what you like and leave the rest! (((Hugs)))
Mattie said
Mar 4, 2018
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and think you're right to pay attention to this. I guess a lot of teenagers do experiment but I just want to mention that I never did (never had an alcoholic drink at all until I was 24), and my teenage circle of friends also did not. So although many kids experiment and come out of it fine, experimenting is not inevitable. And the statistics do say that the earlier one drinks, the greater the statistical likelihood of ending up as a problem drinker. Also, of course, kids with an alcoholic in the household have drinking "normalized" more than others. In short, I am glad you are concerned and not writing this off as normal teenage experimentation. What's normal for some kids is dangerous for others.
My kid is so far a pretty risk-averse kid, knock on wood, but if I knew he had friends who were into drinking or drugs, I wouldn't let them be unsupervised, in my own home or (even more so) in someone else's. I remember I had a friend whose parents were super-cautious and careful (not harsh or punitive, but careful), and we used to laugh at how many precautions they took, because my friend was also definitely not the experimenting type. But then we looked at what happened to some other teens at our school and now I think her parents were wise.
Hope you will take good care of yourself.
el-cee said
Mar 4, 2018
I tried to use the alanon principles with my teenage son. I kept it simple. Told him the rules and put consequences in place that matched it. Usually removing something like his Xbox for a period of time. I stopped nagging him. Just kept it clear and simple. It helped both of us and our relationship. Unfortunately alcoholism has done it's job on all of us. I learned my fears about my children belong to me and while I can share my concerns to a certain extent I'm powerless and it's unfair to project my fears on them. Consequences for rule breaking kept it fair and clear for both of us.
Elabella said
Mar 4, 2018
Iām definitely going to have a talk with her again. In a way itās a blessing in disguise that AH has been having a bad weekend in terms of his drinking/abuse/anger. It will be an easy way to show how destructive drinking can be. Sigh. I keep asking myself what Iāve done to deserve all of this insanity in my life right now. I literally feel the life being sucked right out of me. Thank you all for letting me unleash all this stuff.
Jerry F said
Mar 4, 2018
Ela doing the "poor me" is available for us yet hardly ever offers peace of mind and contentment. You are doing good better yet without expectations. You set the tone and leave it up to her...her consequences are what she is responsible to and for. Learning this and learning how to let go and let God was gold to my recovery. You are doing the best you can...good on you. ((((hugs))))
Elabella said
Mar 4, 2018
Thank you Jerry. I know, the poor me attitude does nothing to help the situation. It is what it is. I can only do my best as a concerned mother and the rest is ultimately her choice.
Hi Check the listing in the white pages for a listing of alateen meetings. Like alanon, alateen offers support to teens who are living with the disease It might be the perfect solution.
I did learn how to define healthier boundaries in Al-Anon as well as how to detach from 'their rights' and more. One thing both of mine say now - 25 and 23 - is they always had plenty of friends and are glad I didn't try that - they needed a parent! Their father was not around much nor did he parent when he was around so ... good, bad or indifferent - they got me.
We also have this disease on both sides of the blood-line. You can never over-share on this disease with children who have the gene pool lottery for it. Having said that, parenting when we don't want to face the facts is a disservice to them and ourselves. I had no issue confronting things like this and never disclosing my 'source' - they never knew if I was snooping, another parent informed me, etc. JADE was very helpful when dealing with mine as TEENS.....
And - yes ... there is going to be a certain amount of experimenting. Yet, underage drinking is still against the law and a child should be grateful they were busted by parents instead of the law (I said this a few times also when I was handing out consequences). As with recovery, take what you like and leave the rest! (((Hugs)))
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and think you're right to pay attention to this. I guess a lot of teenagers do experiment but I just want to mention that I never did (never had an alcoholic drink at all until I was 24), and my teenage circle of friends also did not. So although many kids experiment and come out of it fine, experimenting is not inevitable. And the statistics do say that the earlier one drinks, the greater the statistical likelihood of ending up as a problem drinker. Also, of course, kids with an alcoholic in the household have drinking "normalized" more than others. In short, I am glad you are concerned and not writing this off as normal teenage experimentation. What's normal for some kids is dangerous for others.
My kid is so far a pretty risk-averse kid, knock on wood, but if I knew he had friends who were into drinking or drugs, I wouldn't let them be unsupervised, in my own home or (even more so) in someone else's. I remember I had a friend whose parents were super-cautious and careful (not harsh or punitive, but careful), and we used to laugh at how many precautions they took, because my friend was also definitely not the experimenting type. But then we looked at what happened to some other teens at our school and now I think her parents were wise.
Hope you will take good care of yourself.
Ela doing the "poor me" is available for us yet hardly ever offers peace of mind and contentment. You are doing good better yet without expectations. You set the tone and leave it up to her...her consequences are what she is responsible to and for. Learning this and learning how to let go and let God was gold to my recovery. You are doing the best you can...good on you. ((((hugs))))