So the other night my daughter and i talked about going to a movie .. we decided on the movie we want .. the next night when it was time to go .. she said in the car would you mind if we went to this other movie instead .. I began to really want to see the movie we were originally going to see and i said no .. i Really want to see the one we picked .. she became disappointed and made a comment .. i found myself taking it personal on the inside and prepared for battle (just expected insults or rebellion in 'that moment) anyway i made a comment back an she said to me .. cripe mom can't i just be disappointed ?? I had to look at her for a few moments while driving and i immediately flashed back to all the times i have heard others share in meetings (including myself) we weren't able to 'just feel our 'feelings in foo .. anyway i began to reflect on that and realized we couldn't feel our feelings become Someone Somewhere (sometimes Me) would take it personal and make it about a person which was Not safe .. I notice patterns with me today .. when i feel feelings (which i don't always care for) I am very Slowly becoming aware little by little that in my own insanity i catch myself thinking they Have be for Some big huge reason or crisis 'surely .. (Surely they Must Also have to do with me Or someone Or something Else so surely i am being offensive if i allow myself to feel this or that way etc .. ) .. as i think on this a little more .. her feelings of disappointment were 'natural as were mine .. we did end up compromising and we went to the move she wanted to change it to the next night because i felt the learning was worth the going so we decided to go ..
anyone else Ever just have feelings (believe me .. i know how this reads) .. i am back to feeling like i am 5 .. but i guess there will always be learning for what was lacking growing up in alcoholism or addiction (effects) I realize after awhile I became Afraid of my own 'feelings .. afraid of feeling vulnerable unsafe seen heard etc (especially if i could not hide the feelings oye) .. i am slowly looking at these and seeing how i thought that was so secretly strange (how else was there to 'feel about what was going on at the time in the present moment but 'fearful) other feelings wouldn't have matched the events but i see really i am still somewhat afraid because of the learning (confusion) .. we could Never just be disappointed .. Feel sad .. worried .. angry .. fearful .. an then let those feelings pass .. we constantly had to hide those (insults to people ?) pretty sure i'm on to something insightful here .. if anyone else relates to my insanity or aware today please do feel free to share ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 2nd of March 2018 05:40:38 PM
MeTwo2 said
Mar 2, 2018
...
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 2nd of March 2018 05:42:00 PM
_bunny_ said
Mar 3, 2018
((MeTwo2)) thank you for sharing your process here, it helps me so much. I can relate to everything you share. I know for me, pre-Alanon, I hid my true feelings deep inside. I know now this is because I was raised in the disease and it was a tool I used for survival. I was numb when I found Alanon and feeling my feelings was a very dark process for me at first and still can be. I was blessed to have an understanding and loving sponsor to help me to learn to feel again in the safe environment of Alanon. So yes, Im enjoying this learning process we call recovery, and I too have fears about it, but Im sure glad Im not doing it alone anymore:)
MeTwo2 said
Mar 3, 2018
Thanks bunny. Your reply speaks to me more than you know. I greatly appreciate your share of experience as well. Hate to share it out loud half laugh but guess its one of the best ways to grow courage. .. well action helps too.
Aline said
Mar 3, 2018
Hey, Me2, thanks so much for sharing, I relate a lot... I'm still often stuffing/denying my feelings as I've learned to see some part of them as "bad/wrong". Very healing to begin to let myself be, but not fast or easy at all, but there's some slow progress. I think for me all this insanity started with my ex-abf shaming me long and hard about my previous sexual experiences to the point where I started hating, loathing myself and seeing myself as very bad. That was probably the root of this, but more followed. The end result is what it is. This lack of ability to accept my own feelings is and was one of the hardest issues for me, one of the main reasons I seeked help in Alanon really. Not that I had a clue this was it, I just felt like going crazy and didn't understand why. I thought it was all because the A was drinking. Thanks again, good to think aboit this more.
Wolfie55 said
Mar 3, 2018
Thanks for sharing this. I'm at work right now and can't concentrate on long replies, but I just had to say thanks for posting this. great topic.
Tude said
Mar 4, 2018
This topic really hit home for me too. Really good share on it. I went from holding in absolutely everything most my life, not able to talk and share my feelings out of fear ..........to spilling too much. Being too "open." In other words "spilling" over onto those around me. Before coming back into Alanon, my hubs said the same thing pretty much your daughter did. He said he just needed me to listen without trying to fix him, without any suggestions. To let him just feel. It was in regards to a work situation. It helped when he said this. I really "heard" what he was saying. It also showed me how consumed I had become with the A in my life, how much I had been discounting his feelings. Thanks to this program I have been able to really "hear" and really listen to him again. I'm still working on it with my kids........it's better with practice but still working on it.
Thank you for bringing this up. It reminds me to keep using the tools and let them have their feelings and their dignity
Hugs!
bud said
Mar 4, 2018
Great topic and thank you! I relate and often have feelings crop up that don't feel good and I know that Alanon has tools that can help with more practice. In the meantime, it has been suggested to me to tell myself that feelings aren't facts and that they'll pass.
MeTwo2 said
Mar 4, 2018
thanks Tude and Wolfie for the support and replies. It helps to know there are others who Understand. It helps to read this too Tude about husband just asking you to listen. Others on my end have said the same. It's hard to listen if i think everything is about me because I feel while i listen. Beginning to see why I have been all about me and why my ex had been all about him. Feelings made it all about people.
MeTwo2 said
Mar 4, 2018
thanks bud Great suggest
Aline i was reading this line; I'm still often stuffing/denying my feelings as I've learned to see some part of them as "bad/wrong".
I like this because it makes me realize all that time i was so angry at my partner for not being Honest or telling me how he Felt: understanding he wouldn't (If) he learned feelings were Bad and Fault finding. He learned it was All about a person too. so much Blame shame. i remember hearing that often growing up. We would try to talk feelings only and would get back now we're not gonna go into all that right now (or blame anyone etc .. ) I used to get so frustrating growing up because i kept saying I'm Not blaming Anyone !! noone could ever hear me (or believe me) we all learned the Same
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 4th of March 2018 09:23:07 AM
So the other night my daughter and i talked about going to a movie .. we decided on the movie we want .. the next night when it was time to go .. she said in the car would you mind if we went to this other movie instead .. I began to really want to see the movie we were originally going to see and i said no .. i Really want to see the one we picked .. she became disappointed and made a comment .. i found myself taking it personal on the inside and prepared for battle (just expected insults or rebellion in 'that moment) anyway i made a comment back an she said to me .. cripe mom can't i just be disappointed ?? I had to look at her for a few moments while driving and i immediately flashed back to all the times i have heard others share in meetings (including myself) we weren't able to 'just feel our 'feelings in foo .. anyway i began to reflect on that and realized we couldn't feel our feelings become Someone Somewhere (sometimes Me) would take it personal and make it about a person which was Not safe .. I notice patterns with me today .. when i feel feelings (which i don't always care for) I am very Slowly becoming aware little by little that in my own insanity i catch myself thinking they Have be for Some big huge reason or crisis 'surely .. (Surely they Must Also have to do with me Or someone Or something Else so surely i am being offensive if i allow myself to feel this or that way etc .. ) .. as i think on this a little more .. her feelings of disappointment were 'natural as were mine .. we did end up compromising and we went to the move she wanted to change it to the next night because i felt the learning was worth the going so we decided to go ..
anyone else Ever just have feelings (believe me .. i know how this reads) .. i am back to feeling like i am 5 .. but i guess there will always be learning for what was lacking growing up in alcoholism or addiction (effects) I realize after awhile I became Afraid of my own 'feelings .. afraid of feeling vulnerable unsafe seen heard etc (especially if i could not hide the feelings oye) .. i am slowly looking at these and seeing how i thought that was so secretly strange (how else was there to 'feel about what was going on at the time in the present moment but 'fearful) other feelings wouldn't have matched the events but i see really i am still somewhat afraid because of the learning (confusion) .. we could Never just be disappointed .. Feel sad .. worried .. angry .. fearful .. an then let those feelings pass .. we constantly had to hide those (insults to people ?) pretty sure i'm on to something insightful here .. if anyone else relates to my insanity or aware today please do feel free to share ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 2nd of March 2018 05:40:38 PM
...
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 2nd of March 2018 05:42:00 PM
Thank you for bringing this up. It reminds me to keep using the tools and let them have their feelings and their dignity
Hugs!
thanks bud Great suggest
Aline i was reading this line; I'm still often stuffing/denying my feelings as I've learned to see some part of them as "bad/wrong".
I like this because it makes me realize all that time i was so angry at my partner for not being Honest or telling me how he Felt: understanding he wouldn't (If) he learned feelings were Bad and Fault finding. He learned it was All about a person too. so much Blame shame. i remember hearing that often growing up. We would try to talk feelings only and would get back now we're not gonna go into all that right now (or blame anyone etc .. ) I used to get so frustrating growing up because i kept saying I'm Not blaming Anyone !! noone could ever hear me (or believe me) we all learned the Same
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 4th of March 2018 09:23:07 AM