I have learned something being with my mum. When something goes wrong, she becomes anxious, swoops in and doesn't let me cope with it and learn myself.
My car broke down, we plugged it into the battery charger and then I went for a walk. When she came back it wasn't working and she called an organised a repair without telling me. I know she's trying to be helpful, but I see now this is a patttern, she swoops in and helps me before i have a chance to solve my problem.
In response I have become reliant on others. When I moved overseas, I looked for this behaviour in friends and my husband. I was horrified when they didn't drop everything to swoop to my rescue. I expected them to come and solve my problems for me. When they didn't I resented them. When they set boundaries, I resented them, even as I said things like boundaries are important. I expected my husband to be on call to save me if I needed it.
I appear to be very strong and independent. But underneath that I have not learned some important coping skills. I can be very needy and demanding of others.
So today - my car has broken down. I need to travel to another city tonight. My mother was going to drive me. I know she doesn't want to. She is also an al anon - untreated - and has lots of issues saying no. It is hard to know what she really wants to do.
I have decided, regardless of what she says, that she can drive me part of the way - she will be happy to do that - and I will catch the train the rest of the way. It will be very inconvenient for me with bags, a stroller and a two year old, but I need to be independent. I need to start facing the consequences of my life. Yes it wasn't my fault the car broke down, but it also isn't the responsibility of everyone around me to bail me out.
Jerry F said
Feb 28, 2018
Thanks Annie for this wonderful post. It rides closely to some of the changes I need to make for myself also therefore it gives me hope for you and for me. My elder sponsor gave me a rule for situations like this which was to slow down and think reasonably ask for help and ESH, ask HP where HP wants be to be and how I might do that and then do the best I can with what I have. After a while it gets much easier. If you can afford a mechanic ask one if they have a loaner you can use in the meantime...just an ESH from someone who has been there. (((((hugs)))))
bud said
Feb 28, 2018
Powerful post! Thank you for your courage to share and this is something that I'm still working hard on as well. It shocks me every time I realize that I have an expectation of what another person "should" do. I have plenty of practice every day - at work, with friends, and with acquaintances.
I am trying to slow it down and ask myself, "ok, they're doing _____, what is it that I need and how can I do this for myself."
hotrod said
Feb 28, 2018
Hi Annie, Great honest evaluation of a defect that you uncovered by accident. I find HP uses many situations to point out what I am doing to hurt myself and when i see it i am usually dismayed and grateful. Staying in the moment and in the day is a great teacher and now that you have your alanon tools you can review the situation, see your part and change. Good work
Iamhere said
Feb 28, 2018
I too applaud your awareness and thank you for your share. I love how when I keep the focus on me and my recovery, more is always revealed. Leaning into my program and my HP helps me see what's the next right thing to change me. Great share Annie and hope your travels were peaceful and pleasant. (((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Feb 28, 2018
Good on you Annie, I find I feel better and more empowered knowing I can take care of myself.
It seems you are prepared to take a good look at what your part is, if you want a good movie to watch about untreated alanon Saving Mr. Banks is one of my favorites. It has helped me remember while I see things a certain way my mom doesn't and she is unable at this point to make the shift which frees me to just let her be her.
Hugs S :)
Tude said
Feb 28, 2018
Great post! Brought to mind one of the daily's in allowing the A's to have dignity. I needed to hear your ESH in circumstances with my own mom. If I allow the A's to have dignity.......then certainly the A'nons deserve it as well:)
Hugs!
AnnieFenk321 said
Mar 1, 2018
Thanks everyone for the responses. It meant so much. I ended up catching the train. It wasnât easy at all. Proud I did it. I am glad I acted on my awareness. Being able to post here and be accountable was a huge help. Thank you.
Maresie said
Mar 2, 2018
I was a very dependent person and it made me very resentful of others. I an more independent these days but it is still hard for me
I know it is very difficult for you to be back with your mother I am glad you are getting to look at your issues
I have learned something being with my mum. When something goes wrong, she becomes anxious, swoops in and doesn't let me cope with it and learn myself.
My car broke down, we plugged it into the battery charger and then I went for a walk. When she came back it wasn't working and she called an organised a repair without telling me. I know she's trying to be helpful, but I see now this is a patttern, she swoops in and helps me before i have a chance to solve my problem.
In response I have become reliant on others. When I moved overseas, I looked for this behaviour in friends and my husband. I was horrified when they didn't drop everything to swoop to my rescue. I expected them to come and solve my problems for me. When they didn't I resented them. When they set boundaries, I resented them, even as I said things like boundaries are important. I expected my husband to be on call to save me if I needed it.
I appear to be very strong and independent. But underneath that I have not learned some important coping skills. I can be very needy and demanding of others.
So today - my car has broken down. I need to travel to another city tonight. My mother was going to drive me. I know she doesn't want to. She is also an al anon - untreated - and has lots of issues saying no. It is hard to know what she really wants to do.
I have decided, regardless of what she says, that she can drive me part of the way - she will be happy to do that - and I will catch the train the rest of the way. It will be very inconvenient for me with bags, a stroller and a two year old, but I need to be independent. I need to start facing the consequences of my life. Yes it wasn't my fault the car broke down, but it also isn't the responsibility of everyone around me to bail me out.
Thanks Annie for this wonderful post. It rides closely to some of the changes I need to make for myself also therefore it gives me hope for you and for me. My elder sponsor gave me a rule for situations like this which was to slow down and think reasonably ask for help and ESH, ask HP where HP wants be to be and how I might do that and then do the best I can with what I have. After a while it gets much easier. If you can afford a mechanic ask one if they have a loaner you can use in the meantime...just an ESH from someone who has been there. (((((hugs)))))
I am trying to slow it down and ask myself, "ok, they're doing _____, what is it that I need and how can I do this for myself."
It seems you are prepared to take a good look at what your part is, if you want a good movie to watch about untreated alanon Saving Mr. Banks is one of my favorites. It has helped me remember while I see things a certain way my mom doesn't and she is unable at this point to make the shift which frees me to just let her be her.
Hugs S :)
Hugs!
I was a very dependent person and it made me very resentful of others. I an more independent these days but it is still hard for me
I know it is very difficult for you to be back with your mother I am glad you are getting to look at your issues
.