I have never asked for help or guidance outside of HP. I've been reading posts upon more posts.
My AH has progressed to the point of not being able to hold a job. We've been married 27 yrs. Raised 3 children who are all moved out. He progressively got to where we are now. He's always been addicted to one substance or another forever. When he gets one removed he gains another one.
At this point in our life I don't know what to do. Tonight he picked me up from work intoxicated. I took over driving and went straight to Walgreens and bought a breathalyzer he blew a .12. I can't believe he'd put so many people in danger. Then I think about it and think, Yes I believe it.....
Here's the big thing for me. I have a terminal illness with no cure. Just hanging on to the days God bless's onto me. I have zero support. I'm the wife/mom who takes care of everything. I have no one to call and no shoulder to cry on. I have no one to use lovingly as a sound board. I am ALONE. Living with an A there is no room for me. Only what he needs. I've been told I'm not supportive enough. That no wife would not have her husband's back. Everything is about him, his heart attack and health issues. He lies to his Mother, Sister and Brother saying he's solber. He has this huge circle of people that support him unconditionally. Sometimes I find myself getting angry that he abuses it
When I sit here with no one. Not even him. Even if I wanted to he'd forget everything we'd talked about because of being under the influence.
I don't know where to turn, where to go. Tonight I knew I needed to take tomorrow off with the way I feel but once again I've been dealing with him. The pressure is just to much. My heart can't take much more. (It should of given out already but keeps on pumping)
I hope this post doesn't seem like a rambling mess of words. Being such a private person for so long it's hard to open up. My first instinct will be to cancel this post but I feel I need to do tyis.
I just want to feel a bit of peace before I leave and meet my HP.
Any advice would mean more than any of you could ever realize.
Have a blessed week....
Laurie
AnnieFenk321 said
Feb 28, 2018
Hi Laurie,
Firstly, a big hug. That sounds really, really hard.
I am so sorry to hear of all of the difficulties you are facing. The only thing I have to say is that I really urge you to look for Al Anon meetings in your local area. I learned by going to meetings and participating in online meetings and the board here that I am not alone and that even if the details are different, many people are facing similar situations to me. I have found the people in Al Anon to be able to understand what I am facing because the share a common problem, even if the rest of the details of our lives might be very different.
Jerry F said
Feb 28, 2018
Welcome home Laurie and glad you found the courage to open up to us. We all have been where you are at now in many ways or others. Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and the family here has learned many and more to come ways of being affected by it and surviving beyond our wildest dreams. This is a fatal disease and not only for the drinker. All aspects of our program are in place for us to heal and get stronger and happier. MIP is open 24/7. There are twice daily meetings here for you to take part in as you wish; check out the face page for the times. Additionally the program is world wide with face to face meetings in most locations...look for the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and attend and the most helpful literature available.
Keep coming back this program works in my life and how ever bad it got for me back then is nothing compared to how my life is now. ((((hugs))))
Aline said
Feb 28, 2018
Hugs, ((((Laurie)))), its so great and corageous of you to have reached out here! I'm very sorry to hear of your pain. I can identify with feeling alone as well. I used to feel alone for years. The fellowhip of Alanon gave me the gift of not being alone, even when I felt so. Not anymore. There's hope and help here in this program. As said previously, there are online meetings here on MIP and, if you can, I also encourage you to search for face to face meetings. There is also a lot of literature available. I love the Today's Hope app that is available for free on mobile devices, with daily readings from Alanon literature and more. You are not alone, and its great to have you here! Keep coming back!
Finding grace said
Feb 28, 2018
Hi Laurie, so glad you are here and posted! So sorry for what you are going through! That's a lot, for sure.
I am new her myself, and identify with feeling alone, and being a very private person by nature, as well as feeling like I can never get a break from my AH, due to his new issues with holding down a regular job...ugh. I am also trying to learn to open up more and reach out. I hope you will keep coming back and posting. You are not alone! ((((Hugs)))
bud said
Feb 28, 2018
Hi Laurie and welcome - you're in the right place! You're not alone. I can relate to your post my story is very similar. I am also a private person who hadn't asked for help.... alcoholism is such a powerful and baffling disease. Without abstinence and a strong program, it progresses and affects anyone who is close enough.
Alanon provides healthy perceptions and skills for a better quality of life and more. You took a brave step to reach out and post and I'm so glad you did. Alanon is the only place I found the support I need with people who understand.
Go to local face-to-face meetings, online meetings here, get a sponsor and start working the steps. Alanon breaks the isolation and brings serenity.
Keep coming back - this program works!
hotrod said
Feb 28, 2018
Hello Laurie I am so glad that you found us and had the courage o reach out. You are not alone. As has been suggested, attending alanon face to face meetings will help you to feel connected to a group of supportive people who truly understand. You do not have to speak at these meetings, as I found that simply sitting in the meetings and being surrounded by constructive ideas help me tremendously. Keep coming back here as well .
Iamhere said
Feb 28, 2018
(((Laurie))) - I too welcome you to MIP and salute you, your courage and your willingness to reach out. I am sorry for your terminal diagnosis and hope that you will find meetings. What I've learned in recovery is my blood family is where I was planted, but my closest family is truly comprised of program people who truly love me unconditionally, truly understand me and truly are of service to me, themselves and recovery.
I've also learned in recovery to ask for help. It may not be easy to do and feel uncomfortable, yet being of service is a huge part of recovery and restoration to sanity....so, I was pleasantly surprised and truly humbled to find a lovely group of others who are not only willing to be of service but are anxiously waiting for one to ask.
I sure hope you find peace in knowing you truly are not alone. I hope you keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
StarryAmmo said
Feb 28, 2018
Thank you everyone! Usually I'm the one helping others around me I believe this is a way to hide. I told the AH I was going to dive into AL anon and he didn't seem to thrilled. After a few hours I got the text that he wants to go with me to the face to face meeting. My first thought was "Oh ya, figured, so he can control what I say or do" He's even googling why he'd get alcohol ratings when he hasn't drank. I know he knows it's another let of lies. He didn't like hearing I needed to find peace. I needed to find someone who I can get support and ask the tough questions like, will it hurt when I die or I'M scared. After this conversation he got his beer, went to the living room turned the tv on. All the while loading Facebook to catch up on his political posts while I stay in the room researching AL anon. I have my work cut out for me. Thank you everyone! I haven't cried this much since forever after becoming numb to those around me.
-- Edited by StarryAmmo on Wednesday 28th of February 2018 08:01:05 PM
Jerry F said
Mar 1, 2018
Laurie we stand with support for you and anyone affected by alcoholism who wants support and help. Look up the Al-Anon assets available to us that we make use of such as the literature and the face to face groups. The face to face groups have so many experience members who have so much ESH they have acquired by finding the program like your self and got busy listening and learning about this cunning, powerful and baffling disease and how to live healthy and helpful lives in spite of its power and constant attacks. Alcoholism is a fatal disease that if not arrested by total abstinence will take the lives of drinkers and users and others.
You have started!! Good to have you here. Read and listen for the suggestions (go to face to face groups and get the literature ...etc etc) and practice what has worked for others that inspire your need. Keep coming back here daily...ask and share like you have done now and make Al-Anon a daily part of your life as we do.
In support (((((hugs)))))
Finding grace said
Mar 1, 2018
Glad you came back and are planning to go to a face to face meeting! Now it's time for you to take care of you. Your AH probably won't understand that or really support it and that's ok... it's not for him, it's for you. I know it's hard but you have taken the first steps, be proud of that!
I have considered the idea of my AH showing up at an Al Anon meeting, once I am able to attend, and although I certainly wouldn't prefer it, I figure it would be the one place I wouldn't be judged or need to be embarrassed, because they will understand. Please don't let that stop you from getting the support you need! I chuckled a bit about your AH loading all his political stuff...
Mine does this too! Take care of yourself Laurie, keep coming back here, keep reading, keep focusing on YOU. (((Hugs)))
Maresie said
Mar 3, 2018
I wouldn't even tell anyone I was going to an al anon meeting.
There is a lot of help you can get with al anon to help.
If you are worried about the A showing up at a meeting you can do online meetings They are here twice a day
The more you can immerse yourself in al anon the better. I known what it is to have a serious illness with no support. There are a lot of groups for people who have illnesses issues. You deserve support
Finding grace said
Mar 4, 2018
I agree Maresie, if possible her AH doesn't need to know about her attending her meetings, after all these are about her and for her. I don't know if she is able to prevent him from knowing. If she is agreed, non of his business.
Glad you mentioned online illness support groups! Sounds like a great idea.
I have been doing the online Al Anon meetings myself, they are great, if you are not able to go to f2f for any reason. They have been an amazing resource for me, and I am grateful!
Hope you are doing ok Laurie. Hope you will keep coming back, keep reaching out for support!
StarryAmmo said
Mar 4, 2018
Once again THANK YOU I've done 3 online meetings here in 4 days. I've felt the most calm in the last 4 days then I've had in 4 years. I want to go to f2f meetings but my health gets in the way sometimes. I work full-time, when I get done at 7 pm I'm so tired. Doctors have told me I have a choice, work full-time and then rest or not work and do a few things. I chose work. Gotta pay the bills if you live with an AH. I've put a few boundaries in place this last week.I've pulled a little from this post and that post. Everyone is so insightful! I've really been immersed in the boards. My youngest son was released from jail 3 days ago he's a Meth and Herion addict. He's been REALLY challenging me so I'm finding a peace going through the boards. Realizing my oldest gets out of jail in 6 months he's been gone for 2 years. I hope I have enough time to learn the skills to deal with 3 of them. The oldest has been completing program by the dozens. In a program with a job and has been saving money for his release. I have hope. As you can tell me and my daughter are surrounded with insanity. She moved to Canada. My HP must have something special in line for me with everything he's put in play.
Iamhere said
Mar 4, 2018
Just keep doing what you are doing and work to focus on you....that has been a good strategy for my recovery! So glad to hear you are attending the online meetings and are working on recovery. You're doing marvelous - and when life allows, a F2F meeting can be considered a 'bonus'....(((Hugs)))
Maresie said
Mar 4, 2018
I hope you can find an online support for your illness. The more specific the better I know you are in a difficult place the good thing is as you have an illness you have even more reason to set boundaries
I.dont have the same urge to rescue anymore that I did before I do believe learning to detach is one way to get to a point of not being as compulsive I also try to take it one day at a time
MeTwo2 said
Mar 5, 2018
((( StarryAmmo .. ))) One of my biggest fears with dying has 'always been the fear of being ''left ''alone (abandoned) in the ''dark" .. have found it is true that it is Always darkest 'just before 'dawn .. this program teaches us we have one authority in the center of alanon groups & meetings (a loving higher power) however we each choose to view that power that leads and guides us all ..I also have had fear at times for the confusion of my higher power beliefs .. i figured since the alcoholics left me punished me .. god would too (my perception of god matched my perception of the alcoholic, etc .. ) since they didn't want to listen to me .. god didn't either .. but then i realize today god probably isn't an alcoholic 'thinker .. 'unreasonable or insane .. there was a time when since the alcoholics in 'my life were nonexistent and unavailable god was too .. I couldn't believe in them therefore i couldn't believe in god (my 'personal experience with respect for others' Too & please just take what you like and leave the rest in my saying this)
I hope you take the suggest to find meetings or at least to try this online here which is good ..
It's hard to talk to an alcoholic (who drinks to 'avoid pain .. sadness .. Reality) about such serious matters of the 'heart . .. (been there tried that)
it scares me too sometimes to know that at some point each of us will be there at the ''door of leaving this world .. often said i wish i would have 'found this program years ago .. but then i think (maybe ?) i found it Right when i was Supposed to ..
here if you ever want to message a friend .. or just talk .
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 5th of March 2018 02:40:53 PM
MeTwo2 said
Mar 5, 2018
theoretical thought only .. .we don't give advice here and don't know your situation .. only know for 'me .. if another were 'terminally-ill (especially my partner) and not contacting me i may worry .. i think for me if they at least let me know they had somewhere to be and would call if need or at least check in to let me know they are ok and not sick i might feel much better about their going .. maybe not all about alanon (sometimes there's more to fear (anger) so hard to say .. so much unknown for sure .. wishing you Much serenity Again ! hope you keep coming back and sharing with us ..
StarryAmmo said
Mar 6, 2018
MeTwo2 ((((HUGS)))) Thank you. I'm not afraid of per say dying, I'm afraid of the loneliness during and around the event. AH will be here physically just not mentally. Been through a lot of Black Outs the last year. I've asked myself many times "will he even know if I died during the night?" I'm trying to lean away from the self infliction of Self Pity. In some ways the thought of meeting HP is not a bad thing.
Since being around the boards for about 1 - 2 months. Which isn't long at all. I've found myself learning to detach in a healthy way. While in doing so I've noticed a few things. While setting boundaries with the AH he has been finding what I call loop holes. (Brings back memories with our 3 children) It's like writing a contract and you have a lawyer go through and read the way the words are put. Does this make sense? Do most A's do this? Or is my A think he's smarter than others?
There are so many responses so forgive me if I don't respond to each post. Working on my eReader and the print is havic on the eyes.
Almost time for the morning meeting hopefully I'll get more than 30 minutes of it do to going to work.
MeTwo2 can you do personal messages on this board? Remember I'm still very new to this site.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 6, 2018
Hugs SA,
This has to be way overwhelming for you, so I hope you will try and reach out for some more support. You deserve it.
I always imagine change as dropping a pebble into still water and everything ripples out. My sponsor called the push back you get from people in general the change back dance. People by nature don't like change so they push back by trying to go back to how things were or promising things will be different this time. My reality was my XAH was not going to change and fought it every step of the way when I did. I felt good. I was not hurting him or anyone else so I continued to do me. I have no apologizes for that fact alone.
Hugs, S :)
Maresie said
Mar 7, 2018
I was ill as a child in and out of the hospital for a few years. All round my family were absolutely hopeless around my illness That didn't change. What I found was I got support elsewhere with other patients and people I would never have expected to step up As your husband us unavailable there is no law saying you cannot get help elsewhere. There are lots of support groups. I seek out people who have been ill for a long time and it is like having a family member We speak the same language. There is a bond there.
My family will never be #there# for me. I have come to terms with it I see them very dufferentky now Their issues are not a reflectionnon.me Being ill is a really difficult time for you there are many many points of exhaustion. I had to g8ve up bang8ng on the door of my family. They completely failed me
Firstly, a big hug. That sounds really, really hard.
I am so sorry to hear of all of the difficulties you are facing. The only thing I have to say is that I really urge you to look for Al Anon meetings in your local area. I learned by going to meetings and participating in online meetings and the board here that I am not alone and that even if the details are different, many people are facing similar situations to me. I have found the people in Al Anon to be able to understand what I am facing because the share a common problem, even if the rest of the details of our lives might be very different.
Welcome home Laurie and glad you found the courage to open up to us. We all have been where you are at now in many ways or others. Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and the family here has learned many and more to come ways of being affected by it and surviving beyond our wildest dreams. This is a fatal disease and not only for the drinker. All aspects of our program are in place for us to heal and get stronger and happier. MIP is open 24/7. There are twice daily meetings here for you to take part in as you wish; check out the face page for the times. Additionally the program is world wide with face to face meetings in most locations...look for the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and attend and the most helpful literature available.
Keep coming back this program works in my life and how ever bad it got for me back then is nothing compared to how my life is now. ((((hugs))))
I am new her myself, and identify with feeling alone, and being a very private person by nature, as well as feeling like I can never get a break from my AH, due to his new issues with holding down a regular job...ugh. I am also trying to learn to open up more and reach out. I hope you will keep coming back and posting. You are not alone! ((((Hugs)))
Alanon provides healthy perceptions and skills for a better quality of life and more. You took a brave step to reach out and post and I'm so glad you did. Alanon is the only place I found the support I need with people who understand.
Go to local face-to-face meetings, online meetings here, get a sponsor and start working the steps. Alanon breaks the isolation and brings serenity.
Keep coming back - this program works!
Hello Laurie I am so glad that you found us and had the courage o reach out. You are not alone. As has been suggested, attending alanon face to face meetings will help you to feel connected to a group of supportive people who truly understand. You do not have to speak at these meetings, as I found that simply sitting in the meetings and being surrounded by constructive ideas help me tremendously.
Keep coming back here as well .
I've also learned in recovery to ask for help. It may not be easy to do and feel uncomfortable, yet being of service is a huge part of recovery and restoration to sanity....so, I was pleasantly surprised and truly humbled to find a lovely group of others who are not only willing to be of service but are anxiously waiting for one to ask.
I sure hope you find peace in knowing you truly are not alone. I hope you keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
Thank you everyone! Usually I'm the one helping others around me I believe this is a way to hide. I told the AH I was going to dive into AL anon and he didn't seem to thrilled. After a few hours I got the text that he wants to go with me to the face to face meeting. My first thought was "Oh ya, figured, so he can control what I say or do"
He's even googling why he'd get alcohol ratings when he hasn't drank. I know he knows it's another let of lies.
He didn't like hearing I needed to find peace. I needed to find someone who I can get support and ask the tough questions like, will it hurt when I die or I'M scared. After this conversation he got his beer, went to the living room turned the tv on. All the while loading Facebook to catch up on his political posts while I stay in the room researching AL anon.
I have my work cut out for me.
Thank you everyone! I haven't cried this much since forever after becoming numb to those around me.
-- Edited by StarryAmmo on Wednesday 28th of February 2018 08:01:05 PM
Laurie we stand with support for you and anyone affected by alcoholism who wants support and help. Look up the Al-Anon assets available to us that we make use of such as the literature and the face to face groups. The face to face groups have so many experience members who have so much ESH they have acquired by finding the program like your self and got busy listening and learning about this cunning, powerful and baffling disease and how to live healthy and helpful lives in spite of its power and constant attacks. Alcoholism is a fatal disease that if not arrested by total abstinence will take the lives of drinkers and users and others.
You have started!! Good to have you here. Read and listen for the suggestions (go to face to face groups and get the literature ...etc etc) and practice what has worked for others that inspire your need. Keep coming back here daily...ask and share like you have done now and make Al-Anon a daily part of your life as we do.
In support (((((hugs)))))
I have considered the idea of my AH showing up at an Al Anon meeting, once I am able to attend, and although I certainly wouldn't prefer it, I figure it would be the one place I wouldn't be judged or need to be embarrassed, because they will understand. Please don't let that stop you from getting the support you need! I chuckled a bit about your AH loading all his political stuff...
Mine does this too! Take care of yourself Laurie, keep coming back here, keep reading, keep focusing on YOU. (((Hugs)))
I wouldn't even tell anyone I was going to an al anon meeting.
There is a lot of help you can get with al anon to help.
If you are worried about the A showing up at a meeting you can do online meetings They are here twice a day
The more you can immerse yourself in al anon the better. I known what it is to have a serious illness with no support. There are a lot of groups for people who have illnesses issues. You deserve support
Glad you mentioned online illness support groups! Sounds like a great idea.
I have been doing the online Al Anon meetings myself, they are great, if you are not able to go to f2f for any reason. They have been an amazing resource for me, and I am grateful!
Hope you are doing ok Laurie. Hope you will keep coming back, keep reaching out for support!
I hope you can find an online support for your illness. The more specific the better I know you are in a difficult place the good thing is as you have an illness you have even more reason to set boundaries
I.dont have the same urge to rescue anymore that I did before I do believe learning to detach is one way to get to a point of not being as compulsive I also try to take it one day at a time
((( StarryAmmo .. ))) One of my biggest fears with dying has 'always been the fear of being ''left ''alone (abandoned) in the ''dark" .. have found it is true that it is Always darkest 'just before 'dawn .. this program teaches us we have one authority in the center of alanon groups & meetings (a loving higher power) however we each choose to view that power that leads and guides us all ..I also have had fear at times for the confusion of my higher power beliefs .. i figured since the alcoholics left me punished me .. god would too (my perception of god matched my perception of the alcoholic, etc .. ) since they didn't want to listen to me .. god didn't either .. but then i realize today god probably isn't an alcoholic 'thinker .. 'unreasonable or insane .. there was a time when since the alcoholics in 'my life were nonexistent and unavailable god was too .. I couldn't believe in them therefore i couldn't believe in god (my 'personal experience with respect for others' Too & please just take what you like and leave the rest in my saying this)
I hope you take the suggest to find meetings or at least to try this online here which is good ..
It's hard to talk to an alcoholic (who drinks to 'avoid pain .. sadness .. Reality) about such serious matters of the 'heart . .. (been there tried that)
it scares me too sometimes to know that at some point each of us will be there at the ''door of leaving this world .. often said i wish i would have 'found this program years ago .. but then i think (maybe ?) i found it Right when i was Supposed to ..
here if you ever want to message a friend .. or just talk .
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Monday 5th of March 2018 02:40:53 PM
theoretical thought only .. .we don't give advice here and don't know your situation .. only know for 'me .. if another were 'terminally-ill (especially my partner) and not contacting me i may worry .. i think for me if they at least let me know they had somewhere to be and would call if need or at least check in to let me know they are ok and not sick i might feel much better about their going .. maybe not all about alanon (sometimes there's more to fear (anger) so hard to say .. so much unknown for sure .. wishing you Much serenity Again ! hope you keep coming back and sharing with us ..
MeTwo2 ((((HUGS)))) Thank you. I'm not afraid of per say dying, I'm afraid of the loneliness during and around the event. AH will be here physically just not mentally. Been through a lot of Black Outs the last year. I've asked myself many times "will he even know if I died during the night?" I'm trying to lean away from the self infliction of Self Pity. In some ways the thought of meeting HP is not a bad thing.
Since being around the boards for about 1 - 2 months. Which isn't long at all. I've found myself learning to detach in a healthy way. While in doing so I've noticed a few things. While setting boundaries with the AH he has been finding what I call loop holes. (Brings back memories with our 3 children) It's like writing a contract and you have a lawyer go through and read the way the words are put. Does this make sense? Do most A's do this? Or is my A think he's smarter than others?
There are so many responses so forgive me if I don't respond to each post. Working on my eReader and the print is havic on the eyes.
Almost time for the morning meeting hopefully I'll get more than 30 minutes of it do to going to work.
MeTwo2 can you do personal messages on this board? Remember I'm still very new to this site.
This has to be way overwhelming for you, so I hope you will try and reach out for some more support. You deserve it.
I always imagine change as dropping a pebble into still water and everything ripples out. My sponsor called the push back you get from people in general the change back dance. People by nature don't like change so they push back by trying to go back to how things were or promising things will be different this time. My reality was my XAH was not going to change and fought it every step of the way when I did. I felt good. I was not hurting him or anyone else so I continued to do me. I have no apologizes for that fact alone.
Hugs, S :)
I was ill as a child in and out of the hospital for a few years. All round my family were absolutely hopeless around my illness That didn't change. What I found was I got support elsewhere with other patients and people I would never have expected to step up As your husband us unavailable there is no law saying you cannot get help elsewhere. There are lots of support groups. I seek out people who have been ill for a long time and it is like having a family member We speak the same language. There is a bond there.
My family will never be #there# for me. I have come to terms with it I see them very dufferentky now Their issues are not a reflectionnon.me Being ill is a really difficult time for you there are many many points of exhaustion. I had to g8ve up bang8ng on the door of my family. They completely failed me
That has nothing whatsoever to do with my worth