This is an attachment and continuation to a post from days ago regarding my 4th stepping. I got reminded that often times when I think I am done my Higher Power has issues and evidences I need to take a closer look at and I was cued at my morning meeting that this was again the case. While others were sharing their ESHs and I was listening I saw my "parts in it" without justifications about how and why I wasn't to blame or that they were not so serious I had to make amends for. Gotta call my sponsor who is on another island at the moment or get another one cause this has to be taken care of or the emotional and mental consequences are going to keep me up some nights. Mahalo for your support. (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Feb 25, 2018
(((Jerry))) - be gentle with you and I hope you do not loose sleep! I can so relate - when I am troubled and am processing, sleep at times escapes me.
I am often (HP nudge) reminded how powerless I really am - My latest meditation and relaxation method includes sitting quietly and repeating the prayer of St. Francis. I am amazed at how quickly my mind can tell me it's all about me and this is one things that speaks to me that it's not.
Sending you tons of love, hugs and prayers - good that you're in the action mode!!
bud said
Feb 25, 2018
(((Jerry))) Be gentle with yourself and keep taking the next right step for you. Sending positive thoughts and prayers.
Tude said
Feb 25, 2018
((Hugs!)) Is that what it's called? Processing? Whatever it is I've never like those times. The end result is wonderful...........the waiting tho.............
MeTwo2 said
Feb 26, 2018
relate Jerry .. learning too we are So good at justifying and excusing (experts really Realizing lately as i Reflect on some things this time around .. When my own thoughts begin (often sometimes) with he did / does .. she did / does .. they did / do .. so (I) did do so i'm justified to etc .. then it's time to search again .. if I'm not willing to show up admit search then I'm not working the program or keeping the principles above personalities (mine) in every area .. so much easier to blame (but then again realizing it's not easier at all (anymore) there's so many areas i have yet to heal in but this is a new layer beginning ..
thanks for sharing .. agree the disease is hard .. when we finally become entirely ready to honestly admit the gentle can come (Remove ) which i am more than sure you are already aware .. cheers
I am beside myself, however, with sponsor who never has much time (for me) (for alanon anymore) .. hard because there is a true difference between oldtimers and oldtimers in a chair .. :-/ an i know i can't work this program without a consistent or at least 'available sponsor being it's a 'we program ..
Jerry F said
Feb 27, 2018
Thanks for the leadership. I need the leadership of those who have done "more" searching, more fearless and more Moral inventories. I have to admit more on a daily basis that I am not as courageous or fearless as my ego needs me to be. Recently I have been experiencing the real condition not hidden by pride and false courage. It stuns me at this time to face up to "my part in it" without the urge to practice blame and false justification. "We are not saints" as suggested is a real mind set for me now and I am going forward with that awareness. I am not a saint or am I a Marvel Comics super hero. I am today just a servant of my Higher Power here to do HP's will when HP wills it.
More to come as this step unfolds. ((((MIP))))
MeTwo2 said
Feb 28, 2018
relate to the not being saints Jerry .. if i were a saint i would be talking 'much less and acting 'much more .. putting God 'always first trusting an doing his will more than mine .. i am a messy work in progress .. and much i am still 'disabled in, in many ways .. I grew up in so much spiritual sickness though, at one point, i thought 'we were supposed to be .. maybe even still moving through some of that past 'confusion .. the way i see it in recovery, it's why we have tradition 2 .. only one authority (leader) a loving god .. however we each tend to view god for us ..
i have so much fear this morning as i text back an forth with my own sponsor and realizing there was a time our talks were a little more 'reasonable and today it's hard .. I have a hard time accepting my situation because I believe it was gods will i work with this sponsor, but lately i realize my sponsor has a different will or at least a changing one of her own in the process (an program) .. maybe time for me to move on but to where .. I admit i have a hard time trusting the outcome of this .. it is hard to change sponsors when i too am in a critical place on the 4th step .. i have to 'wait and hope .. trust i will get it in .. and then ? not sure .. not there yet .. but worry kicks my bottom ..
MeTwo2 said
Feb 28, 2018
was thinking on this Jerry and agree we all need each other in order to work together .. something i have to remind myself of Constantly .. i get in the beat me ups and begin to call myself a failure in my thoughts then i remember .. step 1 we don't admit we're failures for failing to control a disease .. ours or others .. Big sigh .. it's a we program 'all the way .. thanks for the reminders (i need them continually)
Jerry F said
Feb 28, 2018
Check out the "hurt myself habits" you may have and when you find yourself practicing one change the practice to a "support yourself one". I learned how to do that in my program. I know when I am doing the "hurt me" habit...the inner and outer language and body language and thoughts and such and I get off of the habit fast other wise to not do it reinforces that illness. I get on to anything else that is positive and self supportive even gently saying to myself, "Jerry you are such a liar...such a dupe" and I will laugh at my failure to work for my serenity. It is a real practice and it still works.
Keep coming back reminds me to return to the practice of sanity and serenity which ever way it is suggested to be worked. I speak openly to my HP and then keep myself open to HP's responses either verbally or other wise. My HP spoils me and wants me healthy and happy and supportive of others.
This is an attachment and continuation to a post from days ago regarding my 4th stepping. I got reminded that often times when I think I am done my Higher Power has issues and evidences I need to take a closer look at and I was cued at my morning meeting that this was again the case. While others were sharing their ESHs and I was listening I saw my "parts in it" without justifications about how and why I wasn't to blame or that they were not so serious I had to make amends for. Gotta call my sponsor who is on another island at the moment or get another one cause this has to be taken care of or the emotional and mental consequences are going to keep me up some nights. Mahalo for your support. (((((hugs)))))
I am often (HP nudge) reminded how powerless I really am - My latest meditation and relaxation method includes sitting quietly and repeating the prayer of St. Francis. I am amazed at how quickly my mind can tell me it's all about me and this is one things that speaks to me that it's not.
Sending you tons of love, hugs and prayers - good that you're in the action mode!!
relate Jerry .. learning too we are So good at justifying and excusing (experts really
Realizing lately as i Reflect on some things this time around .. When my own thoughts begin (often sometimes) with he did / does .. she did / does .. they did / do .. so (I) did do so i'm justified to etc .. then it's time to search again .. if I'm not willing to show up admit search then I'm not working the program or keeping the principles above personalities (mine) in every area .. so much easier to blame (but then again realizing it's not easier at all (anymore) there's so many areas i have yet to heal in but this is a new layer beginning ..
) which i am more than sure you are already aware .. cheers
thanks for sharing .. agree the disease is hard .. when we finally become entirely ready to honestly admit the gentle can come (Remove
I am beside myself, however, with sponsor who never has much time (for me) (for alanon anymore) .. hard because there is a true difference between oldtimers and oldtimers in a chair .. :-/ an i know i can't work this program without a consistent or at least 'available sponsor being it's a 'we program ..
Thanks for the leadership. I need the leadership of those who have done "more" searching, more fearless and more Moral inventories. I have to admit more on a daily basis that I am not as courageous or fearless as my ego needs me to be. Recently I have been experiencing the real condition not hidden by pride and false courage. It stuns me at this time to face up to "my part in it" without the urge to practice blame and false justification. "We are not saints" as suggested is a real mind set for me now and I am going forward with that awareness. I am not a saint or am I a Marvel Comics super hero. I am today just a servant of my Higher Power here to do HP's will when HP wills it.
More to come as this step unfolds. ((((MIP))))
relate to the not being saints Jerry .. if i were a saint i would be talking 'much less and acting 'much more .. putting God 'always first trusting an doing his will more than mine .. i am a messy work in progress .. and much i am still 'disabled in, in many ways .. I grew up in so much spiritual sickness though, at one point, i thought 'we were supposed to be .. maybe even still moving through some of that past 'confusion .. the way i see it in recovery, it's why we have tradition 2 .. only one authority (leader) a loving god .. however we each tend to view god for us ..
i have so much fear this morning as i text back an forth with my own sponsor and realizing there was a time our talks were a little more 'reasonable and today it's hard .. I have a hard time accepting my situation because I believe it was gods will i work with this sponsor, but lately i realize my sponsor has a different will or at least a changing one of her own in the process (an program) .. maybe time for me to move on but to where .. I admit i have a hard time trusting the outcome of this .. it is hard to change sponsors when i too am in a critical place on the 4th step .. i have to 'wait and hope .. trust i will get it in .. and then ? not sure .. not there yet .. but worry kicks my bottom ..
Check out the "hurt myself habits" you may have and when you find yourself practicing one change the practice to a "support yourself one". I learned how to do that in my program. I know when I am doing the "hurt me" habit...the inner and outer language and body language and thoughts and such and I get off of the habit fast other wise to not do it reinforces that illness. I get on to anything else that is positive and self supportive even gently saying to myself, "Jerry you are such a liar...such a dupe" and I will laugh at my failure to work for my serenity. It is a real practice and it still works.
Keep coming back reminds me to return to the practice of sanity and serenity which ever way it is suggested to be worked. I speak openly to my HP and then keep myself open to HP's responses either verbally or other wise. My HP spoils me and wants me healthy and happy and supportive of others.
((((hugs))))