I'm 42 and in love with a functional alcoholic that I have been living with for 2 years. Since he has made changes to the frequency of the drinking he thinks he is fixed,but he's still hiding, lying, and drinking..I need help with making sure that this don't effect me anymore. I want to stop counting, questioning, being argumentative, and be my own person. I just need to learn to let it go. I told him of me going to meetings and he seemed to be upset about it. I really thought he was going to be ok with it and really not care much...but I was wrong. Earlier that morning before argument he suggested that maybe I had a problem not him, so that is what made me look into Al-Anon. And now he's mad that I did, once again it was his original idea. I am so confused.
Tude said
Feb 23, 2018
Hi Gemini. Welcome to MIP. He may be feeling threatened but that's just part of his disease and its his own problem. I am taking care of me these days. The more meetings I attend, the more I work the steps with my sponsor, the less all the A's disease issues effect me. Alcoholism is a chronic disease that effects all in the lives of the alcoholic. It's wonderful that you're going to meetings! Give it time. Give the meetings time and get a sponsor, work the steps and you'll find the confusion will leave. Its not a fast fix, but working the program the best we can restores our own sanity regardless of what the A is doing or saying.
Hugs and keep coming back. It does get better.
Gemini31 said
Feb 23, 2018
Thank you for your encouraging words I'm going to try to attend meetings as often as I can most of the meeting places that are around me tend to happen during my working hours I work a lot of 12 shift hours but I am reaching out online and listening to podcasts and reading a lot. But I will try to adjust my schedule as much as I can to be involved in meetings because I am sure that it will be beneficial to me
hotrod said
Feb 23, 2018
Welcome Christina your decision to attend an alanon meeting was a really positive one. Living with this dreadful disease, our thinking become distorted, we stop focusing on our own lives, abandon our true selves so that in alanon we need to develop new tools to live by. We can accomplish this huge task by attending Meetings,and picking up the simple tools such as slogans, the steps and a sponsor. Each of these will help you to develop a change in attitude as well as a new way to see the world. Keep coming back.
Gemini31 said
Feb 23, 2018
Thank u so much. Well today is another day. It's not just one day at a time for the alcoholic it's one day at a time for me to I am quickly realizing that. Thank you for your words in support
Iamhere said
Feb 23, 2018
Welcome to MIP Gemini - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that is beyond powerful. It's also considered a family disease, and many find a need for support. You are so not alone!
I've heard in recovery that the A obsesses over the alcohol and the next drink, and we obsess over the A. This is a simple way to consider how the disease reaches out to affect 'us' yet it does make sense. As we watch the disease change the person we know/love, we find that we too change and not always in a healthy way.
Al-Anon, for me, provided me a safe place to share with others who truly understood. In time, I learned new tools that help keep me safe/separate from the disease. I am better equipped to have peaceful, sane days no matter what others are/are not doing. There is hope and help in recovery.
I too encourage you to find meetings and attend. I was asked to go with an open mind, and to listen for similarities instead of differences. I did not 'connect' much at my first meeting, but the second group/meeting I attended felt like 'my tribe'. Folks suggested I be gentle with me and just focus on One Day at a Time. These were new concepts for me - and it's been worth it...
Keep coming back here too - as Betty points out, there are many tools and we (MIP) are just one! (((Hugs))) - glad you are here!
SerenityRUS said
Feb 23, 2018
Hugs,
Regardless of what he is or isn't doing I hope you will continue to come back. This is about you and his drinking is about him .. he's going to drink or not .. what are you going to do.
It is important to make sure you are taking care of you in any relationship it doesn't have to just be about alcoholism.
Big hugs,
S :)
Jen61 said
Feb 24, 2018
My husband did not want me to get help either. I look back at it now and can see how controlling he was. He liked me how I was and I did not. I also went to open AA Meetings and ACOA Meetings. All of them helped me. You have got to come first. Serenity RUS says he is going to drink or not - what are you going to do. Take care and keep coming back.
JBerd said
Feb 25, 2018
Hi
this could so be me, my AH does not like me being in AlAnon, including saying, people might recognize me, and then his career would be at risk. (I have been in local newspapers a time or two and have a fairly public job) I think he is honestly concerned, but mind you, not concerned enough to stay sober...
my IP meetings have been some help, no one recognizes me (or if they do, they don't share). I hid attending for over a year, to avoid conflict. Now I'm seeing that as perhaps a part of my issue, I'd rather avoid than address... To be sure my AH had a nice safe cocoon.
Take care of yourself, including going to meetings when you need to or want to.
Jerry F said
Feb 25, 2018
There are twice daily meetings on line here just check out the face page for info. It was amazing to me how my alcoholic/addict was concerned about others "finding out" even when I never brought her name out. I learned that came from their own fear and concern about their disease.
The whole process worked its self out when my spouse finally got herself into recovery and my HP used it also to teach me several great lessons. Cunning powerful and baffling and I have made up my mind to stick with it. This works when we work it. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
Feb 25, 2018
A bit off point...I always chuckle when I hear the alcoholic is bothered, upset, or angry about us going to alanon meetings. Of course they are!!! Why do you think that is? LOL. They are supposed to be angry, upset, etc. They know what's coming. LOL.
Excellent thread -- thanks for all those who posted.
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 26, 2018
Welcome Gemini!
I got some push-back as well too. But like many here have already said, it's because the alcoholics don't want their little bubble to burst! Egads! They may have to face reality!
All joking aside, do you want to know what I would say next time the spouse tells you that you have a problem? I would say, "You may be right, good thing I am going to my meeting so that I can address it!" And then leave so that the toxic fumes from his opened mouth can't affect you!
He doesn't have a problem with his drinking... you do. You are now on your way to a saner way of dealing with this dreadful disease. Good for you!
jtpickle said
Feb 26, 2018
Welcome Gemini!
Although I don't have anything to add that hasn't been shared already, I will also tell you that attending the AlAnon F2F meetings are fantastic and very supportive! I too am married to a 'functional' alcoholic but I can tell you, that because it is a progressive disease, he has let everything else in his life slip other then work. I believe and know that someday (sooner or later) his job will be affected too. (I'm sure it already is affected but I imagine he has coworkers covering for him, etc.) The most painful part for me is that we have 4 kids and he is slowly cutting us all off from him; that is the progression of the disease. Because I've been attending AlAnon, I'm changing and becoming the person I was before I was so affected by the disease of alcoholism. Of course, this is making it uncomfortable for him. He doesn't want to stop drinking or let anyone get in the way of that next drink. Remember, the AH wants his/her life to be as it is so they can keep drinking. Once you do something to 'change' that, they become uncomfortable and will fight the change however small it may be.
Finally, as a testimony of how much AlAnon has helped, I can tell you that when I went to my first meeting in Nov., I was a wreck. I had physical anxiety symptoms and I was scared and hopeless. I'm now much more calm and focusing on what I need to do to be sane and serene. In addition, I'm focusing on keeping my children and myself safe from the mental and emotional abuse. I'm praying that it doesn't turn physical either....but I know how to care for us if it does. The interesting and successful thing is this: my AH is in a far worse position with the alcohol then he was when I started going to meetings in Nov. There have been other things I have come to learn - thank you to my HP/God - which is showing me that many more of my boundaries have been crossed and the behavior completely unacceptable. But even though the AH is worse in his behavior and how I imagine he feels, I'm much more clam and serene. I've been able to detach. I now know in my heart what I need to do.
In summary, definitely get to meetings. Focus on you, learn the slogans, and the AlAnon program. Slowly, day by day, you will be have serenity be able to accept things as they are so you too can either be comfortable where life is or figure out what you need to do for you.
Keep coming back - it works!!
Bo said
Feb 26, 2018
jtpickle wrote:
Because I've been attending AlAnon, I'm changing and becoming the person I was before I was so affected by the disease of alcoholism. Of course, this is making it uncomfortable for him. He doesn't want to stop drinking or let anyone get in the way of that next drink. Remember, the AH wants his/her life to be as it is so they can keep drinking. Once you do something to 'change' that, they become uncomfortable and will fight the change however small it may be.
Finally, as a testimony of how much AlAnon has helped, I can tell you that when I went to my first meeting in Nov., I was a wreck. I had physical anxiety symptoms and I was scared and hopeless. I'm now much more calm and focusing on what I need to do to be sane and serene.
The interesting and successful thing is this: my AH is in a far worse position with the alcohol then he was when I started going to meetings in Nov. There have been other things I have come to learn - thank you to my HP/God - which is showing me that many more of my boundaries have been crossed and the behavior completely unacceptable. But even though the AH is worse in his behavior and how I imagine he feels, I'm much more clam and serene. I've been able to detach. I now know in my heart what I need to do.
Keep coming back - it works!!
If I am guilty of cross-talk, then so be it, however, I wanted to point out the above post. I've taken the liberty of bolding/underlining what leaped out at me. Everyone, 33 posts and this is what I read from jtpickle. This is absolutely amazing. This is a miracle. This post should be a made a sticky note for newcomers to read. This is the hope that every newcomer should read, see, and feel. In just 33 post. Simply amazing, a miracle.
Thank you...thank you so very much...for being here, for showing everyone and especially the newcomers...they can get better, they can get healthy...and it works...if they work it.
Thank you.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 26th of February 2018 09:58:57 AM
jtpickle said
Feb 26, 2018
Thank you Bo - you made me smile!
Maresie said
Mar 2, 2018
In general an alcoholic dies not like things to change Their lives are pretty chaotic. They rely on others to #hold them up# So if you are not available what would that mean
I have to go to continually evaluate my expectations around an alcoholic. They have to be #real# My expectations in general are way off.
When I.get then to reasonable it us much easier omne. I have to say sometimes when I have been willing to really #lool# at my expectations that is the end if that relationship.
I know not being bothered by an addiction personally is too hard a goal for me I can reduce the stress of it but I have to say that I will probably always be #bothered# by the kind if boundary invasions that go on around an addict are at best trying
Hugs and keep coming back. It does get better.
Welcome Christina your decision to attend an alanon meeting was a really positive one. Living with this dreadful disease, our thinking become distorted, we stop focusing on our own lives, abandon our true selves so that in alanon we need to develop new tools to live by. We can accomplish this huge task by attending Meetings,and picking up the simple tools such as slogans, the steps and a sponsor. Each of these will help you to develop a change in attitude as well as a new way to see the world. Keep coming back.
I've heard in recovery that the A obsesses over the alcohol and the next drink, and we obsess over the A. This is a simple way to consider how the disease reaches out to affect 'us' yet it does make sense. As we watch the disease change the person we know/love, we find that we too change and not always in a healthy way.
Al-Anon, for me, provided me a safe place to share with others who truly understood. In time, I learned new tools that help keep me safe/separate from the disease. I am better equipped to have peaceful, sane days no matter what others are/are not doing. There is hope and help in recovery.
I too encourage you to find meetings and attend. I was asked to go with an open mind, and to listen for similarities instead of differences. I did not 'connect' much at my first meeting, but the second group/meeting I attended felt like 'my tribe'. Folks suggested I be gentle with me and just focus on One Day at a Time. These were new concepts for me - and it's been worth it...
Keep coming back here too - as Betty points out, there are many tools and we (MIP) are just one! (((Hugs))) - glad you are here!
Regardless of what he is or isn't doing I hope you will continue to come back. This is about you and his drinking is about him .. he's going to drink or not .. what are you going to do.
It is important to make sure you are taking care of you in any relationship it doesn't have to just be about alcoholism.
Big hugs,
S :)
Hi
this could so be me, my AH does not like me being in AlAnon, including saying, people might recognize me, and then his career would be at risk. (I have been in local newspapers a time or two and have a fairly public job) I think he is honestly concerned, but mind you, not concerned enough to stay sober...
my IP meetings have been some help, no one recognizes me (or if they do, they don't share). I hid attending for over a year, to avoid conflict. Now I'm seeing that as perhaps a part of my issue, I'd rather avoid than address... To be sure my AH had a nice safe cocoon.
Take care of yourself, including going to meetings when you need to or want to.
There are twice daily meetings on line here just check out the face page for info. It was amazing to me how my alcoholic/addict was concerned about others "finding out" even when I never brought her name out. I learned that came from their own fear and concern about their disease.
The whole process worked its self out when my spouse finally got herself into recovery and my HP used it also to teach me several great lessons. Cunning powerful and baffling and I have made up my mind to stick with it. This works when we work it. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Excellent thread -- thanks for all those who posted.
Welcome Gemini!
I got some push-back as well too. But like many here have already said, it's because the alcoholics don't want their little bubble to burst! Egads! They may have to face reality!
All joking aside, do you want to know what I would say next time the spouse tells you that you have a problem? I would say, "You may be right, good thing I am going to my meeting so that I can address it!" And then leave so that the toxic fumes from his opened mouth can't affect you!
He doesn't have a problem with his drinking... you do. You are now on your way to a saner way of dealing with this dreadful disease. Good for you!
Welcome Gemini!
Although I don't have anything to add that hasn't been shared already, I will also tell you that attending the AlAnon F2F meetings are fantastic and very supportive! I too am married to a 'functional' alcoholic but I can tell you, that because it is a progressive disease, he has let everything else in his life slip other then work. I believe and know that someday (sooner or later) his job will be affected too. (I'm sure it already is affected but I imagine he has coworkers covering for him, etc.) The most painful part for me is that we have 4 kids and he is slowly cutting us all off from him; that is the progression of the disease. Because I've been attending AlAnon, I'm changing and becoming the person I was before I was so affected by the disease of alcoholism. Of course, this is making it uncomfortable for him. He doesn't want to stop drinking or let anyone get in the way of that next drink. Remember, the AH wants his/her life to be as it is so they can keep drinking. Once you do something to 'change' that, they become uncomfortable and will fight the change however small it may be.
Finally, as a testimony of how much AlAnon has helped, I can tell you that when I went to my first meeting in Nov., I was a wreck. I had physical anxiety symptoms and I was scared and hopeless. I'm now much more calm and focusing on what I need to do to be sane and serene. In addition, I'm focusing on keeping my children and myself safe from the mental and emotional abuse. I'm praying that it doesn't turn physical either....but I know how to care for us if it does. The interesting and successful thing is this: my AH is in a far worse position with the alcohol then he was when I started going to meetings in Nov. There have been other things I have come to learn - thank you to my HP/God - which is showing me that many more of my boundaries have been crossed and the behavior completely unacceptable. But even though the AH is worse in his behavior and how I imagine he feels, I'm much more clam and serene. I've been able to detach. I now know in my heart what I need to do.
In summary, definitely get to meetings. Focus on you, learn the slogans, and the AlAnon program. Slowly, day by day, you will be have serenity be able to accept things as they are so you too can either be comfortable where life is or figure out what you need to do for you.
Keep coming back - it works!!
If I am guilty of cross-talk, then so be it, however, I wanted to point out the above post. I've taken the liberty of bolding/underlining what leaped out at me. Everyone, 33 posts and this is what I read from jtpickle. This is absolutely amazing. This is a miracle. This post should be a made a sticky note for newcomers to read. This is the hope that every newcomer should read, see, and feel. In just 33 post. Simply amazing, a miracle.
Thank you...thank you so very much...for being here, for showing everyone and especially the newcomers...they can get better, they can get healthy...and it works...if they work it.
Thank you.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 26th of February 2018 09:58:57 AM
Thank you Bo - you made me smile!
In general an alcoholic dies not like things to change Their lives are pretty chaotic. They rely on others to #hold them up# So if you are not available what would that mean
I have to go to continually evaluate my expectations around an alcoholic. They have to be #real# My expectations in general are way off.
When I.get then to reasonable it us much easier omne. I have to say sometimes when I have been willing to really #lool# at my expectations that is the end if that relationship.
I know not being bothered by an addiction personally is too hard a goal for me I can reduce the stress of it but I have to say that I will probably always be #bothered# by the kind if boundary invasions that go on around an addict are at best trying