Hi All, just thought I would pop up here today as it marks 1 yr of recovery- for ME. A year ago, crying and broken, mad and hurt- I would've never thought in a year this is where I would be- today I am very thankful for everyone here that helped me in those early days and overall very thankful and grateful to Alanon. Not much has changed for my A, he still drinks (shocking)- makes bad decisions, etc, but I am happier. I believe that our boys are happier. my A still isn't living in our home (has even managed to get his own apartment which some days I do struggle with), but when he's at our home he is as present as he can be. I just recently found a sponsor and I am starting my step work. The past year I was so consumed with making it thru each day I felt the steps where too overwhelming. I am happy that I can start doing some real work on me.
There are moments, like everyone here, where I fall right back into "pity party" mode- the martyr-etc, on days I am not feeling well or tired or whatever and I engage with the insanity. While I don't "like" those moments, I am finding that I come out of them fairly quickly now. I reach out to a friend instead of texting the mean passive aggressive words I WANT to say in the moment- which just further fuels his agenda. I am MUCH better with my boys. I am determined to not be the irrational screaming mom I used to be- lashing out at them over my anxiety with A. I am saddened when I think of those moments, but my Alanon friends remind me to be kind to myself and that I am human. Much to my chagrin I am not perfect- apparently (haha)- and yes I have found my humor.
Some days I wonder if there will ever be a time where my A and I go our separate ways or will there be day where he can be in the home as an active drinker and the boys and I will be compassionate and strong in program, but what I know is that day is not today.
Today I could've easily spent an entire post catching everyone up on all the ridiculous things that have happened in the last year, the things that make me upset, but instead I chose to celebrate. Tomorrow I will attend my home group meeting and announce 1 year in recovery. I swear I never thought I would feel so differently in a year.
While I can admit that my life has/had become unmanageable I still struggle to accept that I am powerless over alcohol. I still want to know WHY- why is he doing this, why did he lie about that, why is he picking a fight, why why why. My left-brained personality wants answers. So I will continue to work on that. I read a story (from non-approved lit) about addictive thinking. But it was about a therapist that had interest in doing hypnosis with his patients so he went in with a therapist that did it to try it himself (i think this is how the story goes) and under hypnosis the therapist told him when he tapped his pen he would want to stand up and put his chair on his desk, but that he wouldn't remember being told to do that. Once out of the hypnosis they were having a conversation and they therapist tapped his pen... the guy started to fidget in his chair- was obviously uncomfortable- when therapist asked him he said he wanted to put his chair on desk but didn't know why. The therapist told him he had said that during his session. So now he knew the reason... he left his appointment and a few moments go by and he storms in- upset, bc he really wanted and needed to put the chair on the desk. This story I think about a lot when I am worried about WHY. The compulsion has no answer to my Why. Relatable stories of A's and messages like this is what helps me to remember the disease and thus pull myself out of the WHY's. (ok now I am rambling)...
Anyways, a big thank you again to everyone. While I am not on here as much I still read a lot of everyone's shares and it helps me in those moments when I need to refocus my own insanity. (((HUGS)))
SerenityRUS said
Feb 20, 2018
Big hugs :)
Recovery looks very good on you. Funny how with time perceptions change and things that in the past would have been the firecracker getting lit just aren't that important anymore.
You keep doing you .. your HP has a plan for you and the boys .. how that all works out more will be revealed. :)
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Feb 20, 2018
((Pumkin))) thanks for sharing this important anniversary with us It is interesting to note that although not much has changed in your life in this past year your entire outlook and attitudes have changed . What a tribute to your hard work in program and to program itself. Please do continue to share the journey
Iamhere said
Feb 20, 2018
(((Pumpkin))) - happy anniversary! I agree - recovery looks good on you. Lovely that you have found a sponsor and are continuing to work on you and your recovery. Glad you are part of my journey and way to go!!!
Jerry F said
Feb 21, 2018
Mahalo for sharing your anniversary and journey with us Pumkin...Good on you and please keep coming back while you practice, practice, practice. It's how it works. (((((hugs)))))
Bo said
Feb 21, 2018
Happy Anniversary! These types of anniversaries feel amazing. The progress -- the journey of recovery -- is exponential.
I too was broken, very broken. I had already resigned to the fact that it -- I -- was irreparable. In short, I got better. I found happiness. I was able to live -- and enjoy life -- again. Today, my life is wonderful. Incredible. I am still in awe sometimes, as to where I was and who I was, and today where I am and who I am.
When faced with unhealthy people, my reactions can sometimes be "the old ways" -- but it's quick, immediate, and then very ASAP I realize who I am. Most of the time it is innate.
For me, my acceptable vs. unacceptable was I could not live with or have my wife in the house when she was drinking. I do not mean at the moment. I mean at all. When she was not drunk, dry, whatever you want to call it -- she still had all of the 'ism's. I could not live my life that way. I would not live my life that way. If she found recovery, then maybe things would have been different. But she didn't want that. That was her decision. I tried, and I could not and would not live with her simply drinking in hiding, trying not to get drunk, moderating her drinking, drinking less, trying to not have her drinking impact me, and so on. When she was an active drinker -- I could not live with her and live that way. It had nothing to do with me not having compassion, patience, understanding. To each their own. Some people -- with their lives, situation, etc. -- what they can and can't do, will and won't, etc., some can do that. My decision was no. That's just me.
I am grateful, forever grateful, and I thank all of the people I met in the rooms of alanon.
Keep coming back...it works if you work it.
Lyne said
Feb 21, 2018
Congrats on your Anniversary !!!! I love my anniversaries. This June I will have 5 years. With each year I am growing and changing and I appreciate Alanon and all my helpers so very much. Progress not perfection. Keep up the good work! Lyne
Holly73 said
Feb 21, 2018
Congrats to you!!! And thank you for sharing your story. I am at the beginning of my recovery journey and it is so uplifting to read stories of people who are are living with active alcoholism yet are happy, content and thriving in their own lives. Enjoy your day!
pumkin26 said
Mar 10, 2018
Thank you eceryone for your responses!!!! I read them right away and then kept forgetting to actually take a moment to respond. Work has been nuts the last couple weeks and sometimes I just have to make it thru the day.
Hi All, just thought I would pop up here today as it marks 1 yr of recovery- for ME. A year ago, crying and broken, mad and hurt- I would've never thought in a year this is where I would be- today I am very thankful for everyone here that helped me in those early days and overall very thankful and grateful to Alanon. Not much has changed for my A, he still drinks (shocking)- makes bad decisions, etc, but I am happier. I believe that our boys are happier. my A still isn't living in our home (has even managed to get his own apartment which some days I do struggle with), but when he's at our home he is as present as he can be. I just recently found a sponsor and I am starting my step work. The past year I was so consumed with making it thru each day I felt the steps where too overwhelming. I am happy that I can start doing some real work on me.
There are moments, like everyone here, where I fall right back into "pity party" mode- the martyr-etc, on days I am not feeling well or tired or whatever and I engage with the insanity. While I don't "like" those moments, I am finding that I come out of them fairly quickly now. I reach out to a friend instead of texting the mean passive aggressive words I WANT to say in the moment- which just further fuels his agenda. I am MUCH better with my boys. I am determined to not be the irrational screaming mom I used to be- lashing out at them over my anxiety with A. I am saddened when I think of those moments, but my Alanon friends remind me to be kind to myself and that I am human. Much to my chagrin I am not perfect- apparently (haha)- and yes I have found my humor.
Some days I wonder if there will ever be a time where my A and I go our separate ways or will there be day where he can be in the home as an active drinker and the boys and I will be compassionate and strong in program, but what I know is that day is not today.
Today I could've easily spent an entire post catching everyone up on all the ridiculous things that have happened in the last year, the things that make me upset, but instead I chose to celebrate. Tomorrow I will attend my home group meeting and announce 1 year in recovery. I swear I never thought I would feel so differently in a year.
While I can admit that my life has/had become unmanageable I still struggle to accept that I am powerless over alcohol. I still want to know WHY- why is he doing this, why did he lie about that, why is he picking a fight, why why why. My left-brained personality wants answers. So I will continue to work on that. I read a story (from non-approved lit) about addictive thinking. But it was about a therapist that had interest in doing hypnosis with his patients so he went in with a therapist that did it to try it himself (i think this is how the story goes) and under hypnosis the therapist told him when he tapped his pen he would want to stand up and put his chair on his desk, but that he wouldn't remember being told to do that. Once out of the hypnosis they were having a conversation and they therapist tapped his pen... the guy started to fidget in his chair- was obviously uncomfortable- when therapist asked him he said he wanted to put his chair on desk but didn't know why. The therapist told him he had said that during his session. So now he knew the reason... he left his appointment and a few moments go by and he storms in- upset, bc he really wanted and needed to put the chair on the desk. This story I think about a lot when I am worried about WHY. The compulsion has no answer to my Why. Relatable stories of A's and messages like this is what helps me to remember the disease and thus pull myself out of the WHY's. (ok now I am rambling)...
Anyways, a big thank you again to everyone. While I am not on here as much I still read a lot of everyone's shares and it helps me in those moments when I need to refocus my own insanity. (((HUGS)))
Recovery looks very good on you. Funny how with time perceptions change and things that in the past would have been the firecracker getting lit just aren't that important anymore.
You keep doing you .. your HP has a plan for you and the boys .. how that all works out more will be revealed. :)
Hugs S :)
Mahalo for sharing your anniversary and journey with us Pumkin...Good on you and please keep coming back while you practice, practice, practice. It's how it works. (((((hugs)))))
I too was broken, very broken. I had already resigned to the fact that it -- I -- was irreparable. In short, I got better. I found happiness. I was able to live -- and enjoy life -- again. Today, my life is wonderful. Incredible. I am still in awe sometimes, as to where I was and who I was, and today where I am and who I am.
When faced with unhealthy people, my reactions can sometimes be "the old ways" -- but it's quick, immediate, and then very ASAP I realize who I am. Most of the time it is innate.
For me, my acceptable vs. unacceptable was I could not live with or have my wife in the house when she was drinking. I do not mean at the moment. I mean at all. When she was not drunk, dry, whatever you want to call it -- she still had all of the 'ism's. I could not live my life that way. I would not live my life that way. If she found recovery, then maybe things would have been different. But she didn't want that. That was her decision. I tried, and I could not and would not live with her simply drinking in hiding, trying not to get drunk, moderating her drinking, drinking less, trying to not have her drinking impact me, and so on. When she was an active drinker -- I could not live with her and live that way. It had nothing to do with me not having compassion, patience, understanding. To each their own. Some people -- with their lives, situation, etc. -- what they can and can't do, will and won't, etc., some can do that. My decision was no. That's just me.
I am grateful, forever grateful, and I thank all of the people I met in the rooms of alanon.
Keep coming back...it works if you work it.