2017 was a year of bad alcohol for my family and I. There were too many drunken tirades which finally culminated in a near tragic incident that forced my ExAW out of the home and into rehab. I caught the brunt of the fallout and it left me reeling. I'm still dealing with it in some ways.
One thing that's come up is some anxiety around certain friends and their drinking habits. One of my best friends is a self admitted alcoholic and I would agree with him. He's a super good guy and I used to be ok to have a beer around him. He'd usually drink 6-8 to my two but I never noticed any change in behavior. As far as I know he drinks that much or more every day. To be in the friendship I accept this about him but I have boundaries in place. It has worked for years.
But since everything blew up I've been more uncomfortable having a beer and hanging out with him. I can have a drink with other friends and it doesn't bother me. I think it comes down to the quantity and now that I've experienced what happens when someone truly gets out of control with their drinking I am wary of finding myself toe-to-toe with the beast again.
I'm also feeling some trepidation regarding the woman I'm now in a relationship with. I've known her for years, never once seen her drink to excess. But since we've been together she's made a couple minor comments about alcohol helping her in social situations. Possibly depending on it. We have plans this weekend and she made a comment about how she just wants to get drunk. This hit me hard. She said it by text so I can't gauge the tone, might have been joking or just exasperated. She has a lot going on.
It really upset me at the time. I'm obviously sensitized to other's drinking habits and even comments about excessive drinking. Would like to hear your ESH on this .
-- Edited by WestMan on Tuesday 20th of February 2018 01:20:10 PM
SerenityRUS said
Feb 20, 2018
Hi WM,
I went through something similar in terms of trying to figure out my stance on alcohol. I know a LOT of people in Alanon who choose not to drink at all. It has to do with the fact they have decided that's just not for them based upon what their family has already been through and I totally get that. I do drink and I know people who drink a lot more than I am comfortable with, I tend to back away from them in terms of social situations. These are good people .. it's me. These people I find ways to hang out with in non-drinking environments.
It seems like you have a good opportunity to do a step 4 on this and kind of figure out where you stand and your what's of it. This might be a deal breaker for you down the road and it certainly is a conversation to have. One thing my BF and I talked about was drinking and where I stood on it. It is a big deal breaker for me because I am not interested in doing that again. Ironically my BF actually works part-time at a bar and he doesn't drink. Honestly he's to cheap .. LOL .. which I am way ok with. Plus he sees the devastating issues with drinking to much on the weekends.
As far as the joking .. I have to say .. people I work with probably believe I have issues with drinking .. lol .. I talk a lot .. however my actual consumption is probably 1 - 2x monthly and it's not about getting drunk. I totally check my motives before drinking. That's me and maybe I'm being hypersensitive .. sometimes though I decide I just want something non alcoholic at the end of the day because I don't want a crutch.
Knowing where I stand on that issue is something that going into dating I was upfront and clear. I have also lost some good friends over my standpoint. It is what it is.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Feb 20, 2018
(((Westman)) I stopped drinking completely because of my interactions with my partner over 35 years ago . My FOO drink excessively always and I attempt to stay detached and as non judgmental as possible around them.
Thy respect my not drinking and that is fine . i choose partner who knows my story and who also does no drink. He was in alanon when we connected I think it is up to each of us to decide if e want to include alcohol in our lives or not As for your lady friend i would , enjoy the weekend, keep an open mind, pray on the issue and then make a decision. Positive thoughta going out your way
Freetime said
Feb 20, 2018
I was highly sensitive to anything related to alcohol for a while. Maybe a couple of years. As time has passed, I take it in stride. I no longer freak out about the displays of wine in the grocery store, or how they have the liquor aisle right next to the bread aisle. I think it just takes some time and self-care -- perhaps including therapy -- for the wounds to heal.
Earlier, I would have reacted to the text about drinking the same way you did. Anxiety and anger. But now I realize that someone else's drinking doesn't have to hurt me, and that I have choices.
I personally wouldn't want to be around drunk people, because I don't enjoy how they act ... but now with what I've learned in program, I would be comfortable and feel no guilt about excusing myself from the situation.
Iamhere said
Feb 20, 2018
I stopped drinking through AA before I came to Al-Anon so my experience is a bit different yet there are also similarities. When I stopped, I realized a couple things - normal people do not drink like I did at all and I do not understand how anyone walks away from half of a drink....I also seemed to spot potential problem drinkers and a part of me did want to judge or help - neither of which was my job.
Over time, I have come to accept that I am only responsible for me - if I am uncomfortable in any situation, I have the self-awareness now to depart or detach. It was an adjustment so most likely, you are where you are supposed to be. I also think you should just enjoy the weekend and continue to explore what life is like in other relationships. (((Hugs))) - great topic Westman....
Jerry F said
Feb 21, 2018
My story is my story and I keep it honest. I stopped drinking in Al-Anon and then got into AA after taking the alcoholism assessment. It was my Al-Anon Sponsor, Don't, who suggested that I separate myself from all things alcohol and on faith I accepted that and keep it as a best case suggestion even now. I've got no judgements except how they would apply to me and keep me separate from all thing alcohol. "...in Other Relationships". I have only sober, sane relationships going on today. Thanks for letting me share that. (((hugs)))
Bo said
Feb 21, 2018
In my own experience, I have found this to be fairly common. Having been "in the business" so to speak, from a young age, professionally, I had to always be aware of alcohol, people consuming it, their behavior, my business, etc. So, I had that orientation. That said, once alcoholism -- my wife being an alcoholic -- entered my home and my life personally and directly, I developed a new mindset and way of thinking, living, etc. That new way -- was the alanon way so to speak.
That being the case, there were certain friends I was uncomfortable being around either when they drank at all, or when they drank too much. My call. My decision. At first I dealt with it on a case by case basis. I then made a decision as it related to one specific friend, that I didn't want to be around her when she was intoxicated -- so I had my boundaries and behaved according to them. I either stayed away from them if the event/party/etc., was large enough, or if not, I left. While I didn't "want" to, it was the decision that was best and healthiest for me. Personally, no matter who it is, I don't want to be around someone who is truly drunk to a certain point. I decide that point, LOL, and then I can leave.
I recently had a situation -- a woman I have been in a relationship with for 2 years commented on drinking. She said when we first met, she had said she wanted to be with someone who didn't drink. Fact -- she did not say that. Fact -- she drinks. So, now after 2 years, she seems to not like the fact that I drink. However, so does she. I was confused. I asked to her elaborate and explain. I never pointed out that she did NOT say she wanted to be with someone who didn't drink. She ended up saying she guesses she was mistaken and she didn't really know what she was trying to say. Does my drinking bother her? I asked. Fact -- we drink the same amount, frequency, etc. She said no, she likes that I drink "too" and all is fine. Is it? I don't know, LOL. However, I've also noticed she is now drinking more often, and in larger quantities. She has a lot of new things going on her life -- an ex that is not paying her, financial problems, work problems, friends problems, kids problems, parent problems, etc. This is for me to handle. I will see what happens, how or if it develops.
To me, it's a major red flag when she/or someone says, I want to get drunk. But that's just me. If that's their motivation, so be it. It is not for me to judge. However, I have to decide whether or not that is a person I want to be with. I don't want to be with a person who relies or depends on alcohol, for whatever reason. That's a decision I have made, for me. I have tremendous focus and clarity -- around people. That's who I am. I have always been a people person and can connect with who they are, what they are, etc. When it comes to someone I am in a relationship with -- I know what I am looking for, what I bring to the table, and what I am looking for them to bring to the table. I know what and who I am looking for, and what and who I am. For that and many other reasons, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is anything more than a social or casual drinker. Now, that's just me. Forget about someone who relies or depends on alcohol. That's a deal-breaker for me. Again, just me.
I think it's hard. I think it can be case by case. I think if someone focuses on themselves, gets clarity and focus around who they are and what they are, their program, their boundaries, and much more -- then they can live how they want to live. I don't know if that answers the question(s) at hand, but it's my initial thinking.
Aline said
Feb 21, 2018
Hi, Westman. I used to be a pretty heavy drinker for years, drinking lots together with my ex-abf. I didn't become an alcoholic, he did. I could have been, I think, but I'm grateful very much I didn't. I don't know the exact reasons. I too used to drink to loosen up at some point. Now I haven't been drinking for close to a year except to take a sip of a homemade wine or something to see how it tastes. Now If I see a person drinking and see some bigger personality change or something I want to get away asap, cuz I figure that is likely an A. I can tolerate moderate drinking from non As fairly well now, though I don't really like alcohol at all anymore. I don't know if any of this helps, just my take on things. Keep coming back :)
WestMan said
Feb 21, 2018
Thank you for the replies. I'm not stressing over this too greatly. It was just a change I had noticed. I never used to react this way before. I planned to meet with my lady friend all along and would just enjoy the time we can have together. If she, or any other friend of mine, were to drink themselves into a personality change this would be a red flag for me and I would restrict my time with them. My reaction to her comment is mine, I don't know what she meant by it and I'm not going to press her on it. If there's a problem it will become apparent in time and the relationship is such that either of us could call it off fairly easily with not much ado. My other buddy I'm just continuing my same approach as I have in years past, limiting the time I spend hanging out with him. If his drinking changes for the worse or I start seeing problem behavior then I'll probably stop hanging out all together or only meet for lunch where there won't be alcohol, etc.
2017 was a year of bad alcohol for my family and I. There were too many drunken tirades which finally culminated in a near tragic incident that forced my ExAW out of the home and into rehab. I caught the brunt of the fallout and it left me reeling. I'm still dealing with it in some ways.
One thing that's come up is some anxiety around certain friends and their drinking habits. One of my best friends is a self admitted alcoholic and I would agree with him. He's a super good guy and I used to be ok to have a beer around him. He'd usually drink 6-8 to my two but I never noticed any change in behavior. As far as I know he drinks that much or more every day. To be in the friendship I accept this about him but I have boundaries in place. It has worked for years.
But since everything blew up I've been more uncomfortable having a beer and hanging out with him. I can have a drink with other friends and it doesn't bother me. I think it comes down to the quantity and now that I've experienced what happens when someone truly gets out of control with their drinking I am wary of finding myself toe-to-toe with the beast again.
I'm also feeling some trepidation regarding the woman I'm now in a relationship with. I've known her for years, never once seen her drink to excess. But since we've been together she's made a couple minor comments about alcohol helping her in social situations. Possibly depending on it. We have plans this weekend and she made a comment about how she just wants to get drunk. This hit me hard. She said it by text so I can't gauge the tone, might have been joking or just exasperated. She has a lot going on.
It really upset me at the time. I'm obviously sensitized to other's drinking habits and even comments about excessive drinking. Would like to hear your ESH on this .
-- Edited by WestMan on Tuesday 20th of February 2018 01:20:10 PM
I went through something similar in terms of trying to figure out my stance on alcohol. I know a LOT of people in Alanon who choose not to drink at all. It has to do with the fact they have decided that's just not for them based upon what their family has already been through and I totally get that. I do drink and I know people who drink a lot more than I am comfortable with, I tend to back away from them in terms of social situations. These are good people .. it's me. These people I find ways to hang out with in non-drinking environments.
It seems like you have a good opportunity to do a step 4 on this and kind of figure out where you stand and your what's of it. This might be a deal breaker for you down the road and it certainly is a conversation to have. One thing my BF and I talked about was drinking and where I stood on it. It is a big deal breaker for me because I am not interested in doing that again. Ironically my BF actually works part-time at a bar and he doesn't drink. Honestly he's to cheap .. LOL .. which I am way ok with. Plus he sees the devastating issues with drinking to much on the weekends.
As far as the joking .. I have to say .. people I work with probably believe I have issues with drinking .. lol .. I talk a lot .. however my actual consumption is probably 1 - 2x monthly and it's not about getting drunk. I totally check my motives before drinking. That's me and maybe I'm being hypersensitive .. sometimes though I decide I just want something non alcoholic at the end of the day because I don't want a crutch.
Knowing where I stand on that issue is something that going into dating I was upfront and clear. I have also lost some good friends over my standpoint. It is what it is.
Hugs S :)
Thy respect my not drinking and that is fine . i choose partner who knows my story and who also does no drink. He was in alanon when we connected I think it is up to each of us to decide if e want to include alcohol in our lives or not As for your lady friend i would , enjoy the weekend, keep an open mind, pray on the issue and then make a decision. Positive thoughta going out your way
Earlier, I would have reacted to the text about drinking the same way you did. Anxiety and anger. But now I realize that someone else's drinking doesn't have to hurt me, and that I have choices.
I personally wouldn't want to be around drunk people, because I don't enjoy how they act ... but now with what I've learned in program, I would be comfortable and feel no guilt about excusing myself from the situation.
Over time, I have come to accept that I am only responsible for me - if I am uncomfortable in any situation, I have the self-awareness now to depart or detach. It was an adjustment so most likely, you are where you are supposed to be. I also think you should just enjoy the weekend and continue to explore what life is like in other relationships. (((Hugs))) - great topic Westman....
My story is my story and I keep it honest. I stopped drinking in Al-Anon and then got into AA after taking the alcoholism assessment. It was my Al-Anon Sponsor, Don't, who suggested that I separate myself from all things alcohol and on faith I accepted that and keep it as a best case suggestion even now. I've got no judgements except how they would apply to me and keep me separate from all thing alcohol. "...in Other Relationships". I have only sober, sane relationships going on today. Thanks for letting me share that. (((hugs)))
In my own experience, I have found this to be fairly common. Having been "in the business" so to speak, from a young age, professionally, I had to always be aware of alcohol, people consuming it, their behavior, my business, etc. So, I had that orientation. That said, once alcoholism -- my wife being an alcoholic -- entered my home and my life personally and directly, I developed a new mindset and way of thinking, living, etc. That new way -- was the alanon way so to speak.
That being the case, there were certain friends I was uncomfortable being around either when they drank at all, or when they drank too much. My call. My decision. At first I dealt with it on a case by case basis. I then made a decision as it related to one specific friend, that I didn't want to be around her when she was intoxicated -- so I had my boundaries and behaved according to them. I either stayed away from them if the event/party/etc., was large enough, or if not, I left. While I didn't "want" to, it was the decision that was best and healthiest for me. Personally, no matter who it is, I don't want to be around someone who is truly drunk to a certain point. I decide that point, LOL, and then I can leave.
I recently had a situation -- a woman I have been in a relationship with for 2 years commented on drinking. She said when we first met, she had said she wanted to be with someone who didn't drink. Fact -- she did not say that. Fact -- she drinks. So, now after 2 years, she seems to not like the fact that I drink. However, so does she. I was confused. I asked to her elaborate and explain. I never pointed out that she did NOT say she wanted to be with someone who didn't drink. She ended up saying she guesses she was mistaken and she didn't really know what she was trying to say. Does my drinking bother her? I asked. Fact -- we drink the same amount, frequency, etc. She said no, she likes that I drink "too" and all is fine. Is it? I don't know, LOL. However, I've also noticed she is now drinking more often, and in larger quantities. She has a lot of new things going on her life -- an ex that is not paying her, financial problems, work problems, friends problems, kids problems, parent problems, etc. This is for me to handle. I will see what happens, how or if it develops.
To me, it's a major red flag when she/or someone says, I want to get drunk. But that's just me. If that's their motivation, so be it. It is not for me to judge. However, I have to decide whether or not that is a person I want to be with. I don't want to be with a person who relies or depends on alcohol, for whatever reason. That's a decision I have made, for me. I have tremendous focus and clarity -- around people. That's who I am. I have always been a people person and can connect with who they are, what they are, etc. When it comes to someone I am in a relationship with -- I know what I am looking for, what I bring to the table, and what I am looking for them to bring to the table. I know what and who I am looking for, and what and who I am. For that and many other reasons, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is anything more than a social or casual drinker. Now, that's just me. Forget about someone who relies or depends on alcohol. That's a deal-breaker for me. Again, just me.
I think it's hard. I think it can be case by case. I think if someone focuses on themselves, gets clarity and focus around who they are and what they are, their program, their boundaries, and much more -- then they can live how they want to live. I don't know if that answers the question(s) at hand, but it's my initial thinking.