I fooled myself. Celebrated my 39th year in recovery and got my chip (XXXIX) and must have unconsciously celebrated the false assumption that It was done now...gone away...never to be seen or heard of....LOL .NOT!!
I got fooled after taking an inventory of what it was like then and doing the relaxation they kept me awake during the night and the memories started getting nasty, not blaming me for anything just wanting to feel it like it was then and so it kept me up and imprinted itself again as if it was the first time, long ago in 1979.
I got hung over from not sleeping and re-feeling the negativity just like back then...GOSH...REALLY!! When I got up and out of bed I was stumbling around like it use to be and my head was filled with runny jello and old cup cake frosting. I was under the influence again and know that the only and best way of handling this was like the start of the program...meetings, literature, sponsor, prayer and meditation. I went to a meeting which reminded me to be cautious because of how crazy I use to get in handling it. The getting down on God, calling names and using "French" words with HP. I held on to the miracles that had been and still are put in my path that make me get quiet and know all over again how nasty this disease was with my life and the lives of my families.
I stayed in bed this morning again till 8:30AM faking it till I felt I was making it and knowing the confidence would again become real. "Keep coming back this works when you work it" and "This too will pass". I don't know when and I know it will.
Grateful for the love and support and ESH. (((((MIP)))))
hotrod said
Feb 19, 2018
(((Dear Jerry)) I so appreciate your honesty and ability to take me to places that i visit from time to time. I too am ever grateful for the tools you have noted, and that i have embraced since entering program.
I am especially grateful for fellow members who have the courage to "Tell it like it is" . Glad that you keep coming back. Sending warm hugs an positive thoughts your way
Iamhere said
Feb 19, 2018
(((Jerry))) - sending you tons of hugs, prayers and support. I believe that 'these moments' happen 'for' me instead of 'to' me. I am one (stubborn and structured) who needs to be reminded of what it was like so I can find my humility and gratitude for what it's like now. For me, in the moments of uncertainty, it is still easy enough for my brain to go 'back or out there'. Like you did, I tend to fake it until it passes and lean in. I can't say that anything is 'wrong' here but I've had more chances for program work and fellowship this past week and this current week. I am leaning into it, and looking for the lessons yet I am also just a bit fearful for an unknown reason.
A great friend of mine in recovery asked for a meeting on fear yesterday. As far as the disease goes, all is 'well' in his life. However, he's in sales and he lost a couple of large contracts and then a couple in his pipeline are slow-rolling or falling 'off'. He is absolutely paralyzed by fear as his family is having significant financial issues due to the changes in his income. I believe he's also feeling a bit of a failure as he's supposed to provide for his family and they may loose their home. We rallied around him and discussed all the tools we could surrounding fear and faith. Yet, he's been on my mind as I could just see how devastated he was feeling - we all could. I share only because meetings on fear are very powerful and take me back often to a time when I too was so stuck in fear - fear of the unknown, fear of the future and fear of failure.
What I told him is that he is worthy. He is worthy because he's a child of his Higher Power, not because of what he is or is not doing, but rather because he 'is'. I believe this deep in my soul - we are all worthy and deserving of being happy, joyous and free with peaceful minds/hearts. We are worthy when we doubt it and we are worthy when we are in fear. I believe at my core that HP is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
I can't say why, but I always get sad/crazy around my celebration day(s)...I try to not but yet I do. At times, I honestly believe I have doubts that I deserve the great life I have when I stay focused on my recovery, and unintentionally sabotage myself. I do know that 'this too shall pass' and I am not now nor never will be expected to be more than imperfectly perfect.
(((Hugs))) my brother - my hope is your serenity and peace are already returned. You are worthy!!!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 19th of February 2018 08:09:11 PM
DavidG said
Feb 19, 2018
Lol... I have two or three days like this every month!
it is like taking to old nag out for a ride and finding it turning into a bronco!
I know I am telling my grandmother how to suck eggs- but I will say this one Jerry... This too shall pass...
-D.
Jerry F said
Feb 19, 2018
((((David G)))) your response and that of Hotrod and IAH comfort my mind and spirit. I have familiarity with the subject some from working mental, emotional and behavioral health with those of us affected by the disease of addiction and still it surprises me at how it remembers almost indelibly events from the past. I should not because my indelible memory is one of the tools of recovery that my HP has given me to help grow positively. I am going to remember that my life and past hast been a mixture of both positive and negative and respond accordingly. Going to pass this on with others in Local Al-Anon and AA and see what they think. (((hugs)))
MeTwo2 said
Feb 20, 2018
always heard things surface (even resurface) when we are ready to handle more and deal with them on deeper layers .. the daily 10th step for maintenance comes to mind. I'm not on step 10 right now but i could incorporate it because things come up for me every day. Reminds me of something i read this week about teachers (our thoughts even fear is a teacher) all those things are part of the learning and while unwanted; necessary for learning (the next lesson in the making).
I also appreciate your honesty and telling it like it is .. I have been to meetings where real thoughts feelings learning remains hidden which we know can't bring much truth (freedom) we can only get back what we give.
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 20th of February 2018 03:43:07 AM
Jerry F said
Feb 20, 2018
Mahalo Me too. Reading that post would also suggest you were at or somewhere near to our Step Four group last evening as we shared about the process and consequences of it. There was much understanding and similar experience regarding leftover thoughts, feelings waiting for deeper inventory. I came to the mind of wanting to hear from the old timers and how they did it and what the outcomes were. We had a couple newcomers, an elder father and son who has just recently entered our program to find understanding and healing and both were affected by the discussion with the elder one questioning our recovery process, the why and what for even while he related to the discussion. He received an alcoholism as a disease response and how we have been affected needing a lifetime program of recovery. He came to understand.
I have come to understand that there will always be "pukas" ...holes and emptiness I will have to accept and let go that I will never have other than a "its the disease" response. I was reminded of old answers early program once gave me that I have since laid aside yet are still very valid.
Sun is shining and the air is warming up and the chirpers are outside swarming the feeders chirping, chirping, chirping without problem. Think I'll continuing practice, practice, practice.
((((hugs))))
MeTwo2 said
Feb 20, 2018
love that the newcomers were coming to understand .. i remember being so grateful to those who took the time to talk with me when i first came in .. they shared so much hope .. ((( )))
MeTwo2 said
Feb 20, 2018
sun an chirpers sounds so wonderful .. we were hit once again with the white stuff an cold .. our day is coming soon ..
Jerry F said
Feb 20, 2018
There is neighborhood outside of Hilo that just reported Hail fall...it is the same place I first ever experienced snow in my life in 1965. I first thought that it was "Kapok" falling from the trees and Kapok doesn't melt. Its like misty cotton. I don't like cold and this morning it was 70 degrees to cold for my old body. I know I sound whimpy and then it is what it is. I did enough cold living when I was in and on the West Coast. HP likes me happy...YAY!! (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Feb 20, 2018
Thanks for the visual of the sun shining and the chirps....we had an ice storm today and it's darn cold in my world.....praying for spring - and God's will of course....LOL.
I am so agreeing with you Jerry - My HP wants me happy!!! (((Hugs)))
MeTwo2 said
Feb 21, 2018
weather is so different in so many areas nowadays .. I wish we had Kapok here instead ! you don't sound whiny . As i get older i like the first snowfall and snow for the holidays that is it .. it gets long and it gets old .. the cold is what does me in and the ice as posted above. The driving too .. ((( Here's to warmer days and sunshine in another few months !!! )))
Iamhere said
Feb 21, 2018
Cheers (((MeTwo2))) - I'm with you - here's to warmer days and sunshine soon!!
MeTwo2 said
Feb 21, 2018
for sure Iamhere !! Cheers !!
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 21st of February 2018 08:46:52 AM
Tude said
Feb 23, 2018
Thank you for the great ESH Jerry! It reminds me I am NOT alone and that these things happen. The world of insanity has been hammering hard the past week+ but more so the past few days. I can't imagine what it must feel like that long into recovery and experience that but it makes 100% sense to me. Your definition and wording certainly sums it up. A hangover! Of no sleep and all the rest that goes with it. No Kona coffee in the house or I would have been even more wired for the crabbies. :)
I got too busy for enough time in the program, not enough meetings lately, too overwhelmed, borderline crazy with the weather and the A's. The weather the greatest culprit. SADD. A "bit" easier to deal with mentally/emotionally these days but the joints.... I am now seeing how much I was depending on the meetings to start my day. Wow, I dropped the "f"rench bomb too and I think that is ultimately what got my attention LOL.
I'm so grateful this program allows slips, relapses and a promise of sanity restored! Yesterday turned out to be wonderful in the afternoon on and today will follow suit.
Hugs hugs from iceland!!!! (((Jerry)))
Jerry F said
Feb 23, 2018
Mahalo Tude and thanks also for taking the Iceland watch. I woke up warm and took a walk thru the house to see how we weathered all the winter rain and such and turned around at the Laundry room to the temperature dropping so fast. What the heck!! my home is Hawaii!! I live here and give here and have warm expectations...and then maybe its that word expectations...I am getting a reality check.
I did another mid-night inventory last evening, not about the past; the present. I inventoried where and what side of recovery my spirituality, thoughts and emotions were. It is weird how the disease wants to pull them over into the insanity mode and I have to actively pull them back. I learned that years ago with my sponsorship telling me "I was responsible for my thoughts and feelings" which I had never considered before the fellowship. I was a blamer and didn't place myself in the group of others who I held responsible.
"So what is your part in it"? was a question I hated because of the illusion that somehow, someway, all of the people on my list to blame were not "only" the ones. It became a full time job coming to understand and the job remains, not as intensive as before but still needing attention in the quiet hours of the night. Even my spouse was on the list and that just sucks as I reviewed that I can victimize some one who lives with me habitually at times without honesty.
I am continuing to do the inventory without interruption while laying in the palms of my HP to keep me at ease and honest. It's worked before and will continue to do so now. Glad the cold rain stays on the other side of our roof. ((((Hugs))))
bud said
Feb 23, 2018
(((Jerry))) I can relate to how things bubble up and remind me to look at things from fresh eyes as a beginner in Alanon.
Each morning I have a Buddha wisdom saying delivered to my inbox to ponder and enjoy with my coffee. This week, the message was, " Light comes and goes. Darkness is always it's the basis of existence." To me, light speaks to my continual renewal of faith, principles, boundaries, and serenity.
Jerry F said
Feb 24, 2018
I like that Bub and I am slowly repeating it so that the words and thoughts linger. ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Feb 24, 2018
Hi All i find that when my thoughts drift back to the days prior to program, I find that he pain has been lifted- the anger, resentment has disappeared (thanks to HP ) and the event is still quite present. I can examine the event in a very detached manner and truly see my part I am ever grateful to program for this ability-- No more beating myself up.
Aline said
Feb 24, 2018
Thanks for your share, Jerry. I read it the first time four days ago and didn't understand it. I read it again today and understood. I am a bit over a year in a program, in Step 2 with my sponsor, and in lot of ways, most ways, I only now begin to understand what this program is about and how to use the tools it offers. I feel very much a newbie now. Now and again I feel like I've come back to square one, just as crazy when I came to the program, but it does pass. I think most things just don't get through my skull before I literally can't bear continuing like I have previously and am forced to make changes to stop the pain.
I fooled myself. Celebrated my 39th year in recovery and got my chip (XXXIX) and must have unconsciously celebrated the false assumption that It was done now...gone away...never to be seen or heard of....LOL .NOT!!
I got fooled after taking an inventory of what it was like then and doing the relaxation they kept me awake during the night and the memories started getting nasty, not blaming me for anything just wanting to feel it like it was then and so it kept me up and imprinted itself again as if it was the first time, long ago in 1979.
I got hung over from not sleeping and re-feeling the negativity just like back then...GOSH...REALLY!! When I got up and out of bed I was stumbling around like it use to be and my head was filled with runny jello and old cup cake frosting. I was under the influence again and know that the only and best way of handling this was like the start of the program...meetings, literature, sponsor, prayer and meditation. I went to a meeting which reminded me to be cautious because of how crazy I use to get in handling it. The getting down on God, calling names and using "French" words with HP. I held on to the miracles that had been and still are put in my path that make me get quiet and know all over again how nasty this disease was with my life and the lives of my families.
I stayed in bed this morning again till 8:30AM faking it till I felt I was making it and knowing the confidence would again become real. "Keep coming back this works when you work it" and "This too will pass". I don't know when and I know it will.
Grateful for the love and support and ESH. (((((MIP)))))
I am especially grateful for fellow members who have the courage to "Tell it like it is" . Glad that you keep coming back. Sending warm hugs an positive thoughts your way
(((Jerry))) - sending you tons of hugs, prayers and support. I believe that 'these moments' happen 'for' me instead of 'to' me. I am one (stubborn and structured) who needs to be reminded of what it was like so I can find my humility and gratitude for what it's like now. For me, in the moments of uncertainty, it is still easy enough for my brain to go 'back or out there'. Like you did, I tend to fake it until it passes and lean in. I can't say that anything is 'wrong' here but I've had more chances for program work and fellowship this past week and this current week. I am leaning into it, and looking for the lessons yet I am also just a bit fearful for an unknown reason.
A great friend of mine in recovery asked for a meeting on fear yesterday. As far as the disease goes, all is 'well' in his life. However, he's in sales and he lost a couple of large contracts and then a couple in his pipeline are slow-rolling or falling 'off'. He is absolutely paralyzed by fear as his family is having significant financial issues due to the changes in his income. I believe he's also feeling a bit of a failure as he's supposed to provide for his family and they may loose their home. We rallied around him and discussed all the tools we could surrounding fear and faith. Yet, he's been on my mind as I could just see how devastated he was feeling - we all could. I share only because meetings on fear are very powerful and take me back often to a time when I too was so stuck in fear - fear of the unknown, fear of the future and fear of failure.
What I told him is that he is worthy. He is worthy because he's a child of his Higher Power, not because of what he is or is not doing, but rather because he 'is'. I believe this deep in my soul - we are all worthy and deserving of being happy, joyous and free with peaceful minds/hearts. We are worthy when we doubt it and we are worthy when we are in fear. I believe at my core that HP is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
I can't say why, but I always get sad/crazy around my celebration day(s)...I try to not but yet I do. At times, I honestly believe I have doubts that I deserve the great life I have when I stay focused on my recovery, and unintentionally sabotage myself. I do know that 'this too shall pass' and I am not now nor never will be expected to be more than imperfectly perfect.
(((Hugs))) my brother - my hope is your serenity and peace are already returned. You are worthy!!!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 19th of February 2018 08:09:11 PM
Lol... I have two or three days like this every month!
it is like taking to old nag out for a ride and finding it turning into a bronco!
I know I am telling my grandmother how to suck eggs- but I will say this one Jerry... This too shall pass...
-D.
((((David G)))) your response and that of Hotrod and IAH comfort my mind and spirit. I have familiarity with the subject some from working mental, emotional and behavioral health with those of us affected by the disease of addiction and still it surprises me at how it remembers almost indelibly events from the past. I should not because my indelible memory is one of the tools of recovery that my HP has given me to help grow positively. I am going to remember that my life and past hast been a mixture of both positive and negative and respond accordingly. Going to pass this on with others in Local Al-Anon and AA and see what they think. (((hugs)))
always heard things surface (even resurface) when we are ready to handle more and deal with them on deeper layers .. the daily 10th step for maintenance comes to mind. I'm not on step 10 right now but i could incorporate it because things come up for me every day. Reminds me of something i read this week about teachers (our thoughts even fear is a teacher) all those things are part of the learning and while unwanted; necessary for learning (the next lesson in the making).
I also appreciate your honesty and telling it like it is .. I have been to meetings where real thoughts feelings learning remains hidden which we know can't bring much truth (freedom) we can only get back what we give.
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 20th of February 2018 03:43:07 AM
Mahalo Me too. Reading that post would also suggest you were at or somewhere near to our Step Four group last evening as we shared about the process and consequences of it. There was much understanding and similar experience regarding leftover thoughts, feelings waiting for deeper inventory. I came to the mind of wanting to hear from the old timers and how they did it and what the outcomes were. We had a couple newcomers, an elder father and son who has just recently entered our program to find understanding and healing and both were affected by the discussion with the elder one questioning our recovery process, the why and what for even while he related to the discussion. He received an alcoholism as a disease response and how we have been affected needing a lifetime program of recovery. He came to understand.
I have come to understand that there will always be "pukas" ...holes and emptiness I will have to accept and let go that I will never have other than a "its the disease" response. I was reminded of old answers early program once gave me that I have since laid aside yet are still very valid.
Sun is shining and the air is warming up and the chirpers are outside swarming the feeders chirping, chirping, chirping without problem. Think I'll continuing practice, practice, practice.
((((hugs))))
There is neighborhood outside of Hilo that just reported Hail fall...it is the same place I first ever experienced snow in my life in 1965. I first thought that it was "Kapok" falling from the trees and Kapok doesn't melt. Its like misty cotton. I don't like cold and this morning it was 70 degrees to cold for my old body. I know I sound whimpy and then it is what it is. I did enough cold living when I was in and on the West Coast. HP likes me happy...YAY!! (((hugs)))
I am so agreeing with you Jerry - My HP wants me happy!!! (((Hugs)))
weather is so different in so many areas nowadays .. I wish we had Kapok here instead ! you don't sound whiny . As i get older i like the first snowfall and snow for the holidays that is it .. it gets long and it gets old .. the cold is what does me in and the ice as posted above. The driving too .. ((( Here's to warmer days and sunshine in another few months !!! )))
for sure Iamhere !! Cheers !!
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Wednesday 21st of February 2018 08:46:52 AM
I got too busy for enough time in the program, not enough meetings lately, too overwhelmed, borderline crazy with the weather and the A's. The weather the greatest culprit. SADD. A "bit" easier to deal with mentally/emotionally these days but the joints.... I am now seeing how much I was depending on the meetings to start my day. Wow, I dropped the "f"rench bomb too and I think that is ultimately what got my attention LOL.
I'm so grateful this program allows slips, relapses and a promise of sanity restored! Yesterday turned out to be wonderful in the afternoon on and today will follow suit.
Hugs hugs from iceland!!!! (((Jerry)))
Mahalo Tude and thanks also for taking the Iceland watch. I woke up warm and took a walk thru the house to see how we weathered all the winter rain and such and turned around at the Laundry room to the temperature dropping so fast. What the heck!! my home is Hawaii!! I live here and give here and have warm expectations...and then maybe its that word expectations...I am getting a reality check.
I did another mid-night inventory last evening, not about the past; the present. I inventoried where and what side of recovery my spirituality, thoughts and emotions were. It is weird how the disease wants to pull them over into the insanity mode and I have to actively pull them back. I learned that years ago with my sponsorship telling me "I was responsible for my thoughts and feelings" which I had never considered before the fellowship. I was a blamer and didn't place myself in the group of others who I held responsible.
"So what is your part in it"? was a question I hated because of the illusion that somehow, someway, all of the people on my list to blame were not "only" the ones. It became a full time job coming to understand and the job remains, not as intensive as before but still needing attention in the quiet hours of the night. Even my spouse was on the list and that just sucks as I reviewed that I can victimize some one who lives with me habitually at times without honesty.
I am continuing to do the inventory without interruption while laying in the palms of my HP to keep me at ease and honest. It's worked before and will continue to do so now. Glad the cold rain stays on the other side of our roof. ((((Hugs))))
Each morning I have a Buddha wisdom saying delivered to my inbox to ponder and enjoy with my coffee. This week, the message was, " Light comes and goes. Darkness is always it's the basis of existence." To me, light speaks to my continual renewal of faith, principles, boundaries, and serenity.
I like that Bub and I am slowly repeating it so that the words and thoughts linger. ((((hugs))))
Hi All i find that when my thoughts drift back to the days prior to program, I find that he pain has been lifted- the anger, resentment has disappeared (thanks to HP ) and the event is still quite present. I can examine the event in a very detached manner and truly see my part I am ever grateful to program for this ability-- No more beating myself up.