My addicted fiance is working on his recovery. I have been going to AlAnon meetings for my own sanity. But I still feel like his mother when we are home. I make sure the bills get paid (with little or no contribution from him, building resentment), I clean the house daily, wash dishes, do laundry, and put all laundry away. I work full-time and would love to have some financial AND household contribution. He does pay for the groceries but I always come back to not feeling like its enough, like Im a mother to him and not a partner.
am I enabling his poor behavior? I want to support him, but not financially! I want to be there for him, but also allow him to face his consequences. He does have a part time job, is taking a few classes at school, going to meetings and counseling. i am constantly justifying these things to myself and wonder if I am enabling him. I am at a loss of what to do.
SerenityRUS said
Feb 17, 2018
Do you have a sponsor?? The reason I ask is these are great opportunities for you to work this out by working the steps because my answers are what works for me. I classify enabling as doing for others what they can do for themselves. I have turned over my son's college to him. He's figuring out what he needs to do to get through school. He's finding out how good he's had it. He's also finding out that financial life isn't easy. What do you want? I am hearing you say .. you want help with the house work .. bills .. and participation with life stuff whatever that means to you. Before approaching someone I like to know clearly what I am asking. Then I have to listen .. after asking they legitimately may not be able to give me what I'm asking for. That's the beauty of sponsorship because I practice those tools with a trusted person in my life. Big hugs. S:)
hotrod said
Feb 17, 2018
Hi Engaged It is a good idea to talk this all over with your partner . Resentments are so very destructive and they only hurt the person who holds them, Sharing household chores is not an unreasonable request
Iamhere said
Feb 17, 2018
For me, anytime I am restless, irritable or discontent, I have to use the program tools to get me back to my center. I agree with Betty that sharing chores is not unreasonable and I also know that resentments for me have always exploded in the wrong way at the wrong time. It is through Al-Anon that I learned how to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean....
I also agree that my sponsor helped me frame up my approach to 'difficult' conversations. I've learned to always say I vs. You and to set about with the intent of asking for help. I had to be taught that what I value doesn't always match with what others value and compromise was always necessary.
My addicted fiance is working on his recovery. I have been going to AlAnon meetings for my own sanity. But I still feel like his mother when we are home. I make sure the bills get paid (with little or no contribution from him, building resentment), I clean the house daily, wash dishes, do laundry, and put all laundry away. I work full-time and would love to have some financial AND household contribution. He does pay for the groceries but I always come back to not feeling like its enough, like Im a mother to him and not a partner.
am I enabling his poor behavior? I want to support him, but not financially! I want to be there for him, but also allow him to face his consequences. He does have a part time job, is taking a few classes at school, going to meetings and counseling. i am constantly justifying these things to myself and wonder if I am enabling him. I am at a loss of what to do.
I also agree that my sponsor helped me frame up my approach to 'difficult' conversations. I've learned to always say I vs. You and to set about with the intent of asking for help. I had to be taught that what I value doesn't always match with what others value and compromise was always necessary.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!