I have been going through this in my head for months now and finally did it last night...I told my husband that he was going to have to move out if the drinking did not stop. I have never actually said those words before and it was the hardest thing I have had to do. The only problem is that he told me I am being a little extreme and that he will not move out of his house. He said that he agrees that some things need to change, but that he does not feel like we are to the point where he needs to move out. I am a now at a loss because he moved an extra bed downstairs and proceeded to grab a couple of beers and go down to his "new room" for t So, where does that leave me? I am now stuck in this awkward position where I have to continue on with the kids like nothing happened and he's staying in the basement. AND STILL DRINKING! So what are these things that are going to "change"? I just don't know what to do when all I am trying to do is keep my kids from having to see their dad drunk. Ever.
hotrod said
Feb 14, 2018
((Liikbkk)) we are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic Congrats on summoning up the courage to express your needs. Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here that I was given powerful tools to live by and a support network to share with. Meeting schedule can be obtained from alanon Intergroup who are listed in the white pages.
If your children are pre- teens or teens alateen meetings may also help.
You are not alone
Jerry F said
Feb 14, 2018
You make your own choices irrespective of what others think and do. You are responsible for your happiness or sadness. Of course he gets to do the same thing. My early sponsor taught me to decide how I wanted things to come about and then do what was necessary to get that. It took a while and I learned how. Am still doing it today. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
bud said
Feb 14, 2018
Such courage isn't easy and feel good that you spoke your truth. I can relate - it's confusing and awkward and painful and it's ok that you don't have the whole thing mapped out... just keep doing the next right thing for you and your children. It would appear that the change is already happening keep the focus on you and keep coming back
Maresie said
Feb 14, 2018
Everytime I.gave the now ex A an ultimatum he ignored it. The a.c. A had a friend there at our home 24/7 This guy was a total predator. I moved out with.an ultimatum that this guy would go. At that time it was a big deal in our relationship
He promised this guy would go. I moved back. Of.courde the guy was still there Eventually I got rid of that guy. I realise now his total predator stance was very triggering to me.
When we are dealing with an alcoholic we have to look at our expectations They are obsessed with alcohol. Their entire life revolves around it. Nevertheless an alcoholuc.is always looking to appear okay to others Moving into.another Room is a big deal for them. Anything that impinges on his alcohol use is a big deal.
When I have reasonable expectations around an alcoholic I.do better Expecting someone who is an addict to be reasonable 8snt really logical. Of course I do still have that exoectation.from time to time.
I have had to revise my expectations and goals on a daily basis
There is a kind of a myth about detachment. I wouldn't say it is ignoring anything Detachment us very very active When I stopped permitting the now ex A's choices to #eat me alive# it was a very active choice. Of course as I was leaving him alo be he liked it at first. After a while he wasn't so thrilled. I was though because I was not surviving the way I was
Detachment is really difficult. When you are with a alcoholic it is like trying to lift a 300 lb weight right off. You have to lift the 30 lb weight for a while Be patient be good to yourself
AnnieFenk321 said
Feb 14, 2018
Hi (((hugs)))What you describe is a very difficult situation. I identify with many aspects of it. I hope you are able to get to meetings.
All the best and keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Feb 15, 2018
I also suggest attending meetings and lining up with the program as best and as often as you can. It is with others who have experience that I truly learned about powerlessness and change. I'm sorry for the disease and it's effects on your life - be gentle with you and know that you are not alone.
Takotsubo said
Feb 15, 2018
I had exactly the same issue - my ABF moved into the sunroom after I asked him to move out but refused to actually move out of the house. He continued to get very drunk on a daily basis even though I tried to put boundaries into place to state no drunken behaviour at the house. He could get drunk elsewhere but I didnt want my son seeing him drunk. Eventually I had to call the police and they moved him out (in a very drunken state) so I know how frozen and stuck you feel. This was not ideal so not saying this is the solution but my son and I felt instant relief once he had gone and then I made sure he was unable to move back in. It seems that As have a very strong self preservation trait - when things get tough they get tougher......All the best with this very difficult situation. I am sure things will sort out one way or another - keep with your own self care (((hugs)))
WestMan said
Feb 16, 2018
That is challenging. You can feel good that you had the courage to say what you did. Disappointing though with his response. The whole "yeah, something has to change around here" then taking a bed and beer downstairs...it would be funny if it weren't having such a negative impact on you. You've come to the right place. I hope you can find a face to face meeting.
SerenityRUS said
Feb 16, 2018
It's great that you have chosen to take these steps I think for me ultimatums did not work .. I had to work on changing me and then knowing what was or wasn't ok for me (and my kids). That's why meetings are so important because making the ultimatums and then he goes to the down stairs bedroom to drink .. it's kind of now what .. what happens now?
The biggest mistake I made was believing that my XAH didn't have other choices and options .. ironically he was very aware he did .. I was the one who didn't believe I had other choices or options. That's what the face to face meetings gave me the opportunity to explore those without having to put anything out to my XAH until I was ready.
Big hugs and keep coming back .. it really does work and the changes happen .. the ultimate goal is to change ME .. it's just not about the drinker .. MY thinking had become ridged and MY life had become unmanageable and Alanon gave back to me a sense of calm, as well as the reminder that I had choices that I was responsible for it was not all my XAH's fault.
S :)
Tude said
Feb 16, 2018
The first time I gave my XAG an ultimatum, he said I was the crazy one. Hats off to you for taking that huge step! I can totally see my ex doing the same thing as yours, moving into another room.
The law told me given the situation he had the right to remain in the house...(small town, old friends AT that time, it changed later)..... for me it was a matter of my own sanity and what my children were exposed to. It was much easier for him to conceal gambling than the drinking. The games were easy for him to play out in front of the officers I had called. I had to leave to feel safe and regain some sense of sanity. I stayed close to my support group and even then, I let him back in my life again too soon after only 6 months.
Being in good support helped me emotionally detach enough to get through the years until my kids graduated and so forth. I only had to call the officers one time during the last 17 years. The relationship went on for 23 years before I got into recovery the last 17, he never did. This time, the officers sided with me. He finally added alcohol back into the gambling addiction he had switched to. They saw what he was, and had been doing. BUT in saying all this.......I had a calm and peace during that time that only came from being in recovery myself. I had a higher paying job and eventually left. I never looked back except to work thru my steps and see where I wish I had come in sooner.
Alanon is wonderful! You're not alone. I hope you find a good face to face meeting and also keep coming back:)
Bo said
Feb 16, 2018
Welcome...by going to face-to-face al-anon meetings, you are in the right place, a safe place. Al-anon is a wonderful program...that can help YOU. Many people you will meet in those rooms -- and they are not strangers, they are just friends you haven't met yet -- have been through exactly what you are going through. They have felt exactly what you are feeling. They had the same pains, fears, and everything else. And today, some of the people you will meet in those rooms -- their lives are better. And your life can be better as well.
So, go to face-to-face al-anon meetings. Find a sponsor, start talking to him/her, calling him/her, learning from his/her experience(s), and from the other people in the rooms. They have been there. Start to learn what this program is all about -- the tools, how to use them -- and focus on you. Not him. You. You've already experienced one element of this program...You gave him an ultimatum...how did that work out for you? Rhetorical question. In al-anon we learn about boundaries and how we can establish them and implement them FOR THE BENEFIT AND WELL BEING OF OURSELVES. An ultimatum is to try and get someone else to stop doing something, to get them to do what you want, and so on. A boundary is for you, so that when the other person does what they do -- and they will because you can't stop it and you are powerless over it and them -- you have a called upon action step or process that will help you and protect you. Nothing to do with him. All to do with you.
The alcoholic will not stop drinking unless and until they want to. You are powerless over their drinking, alcohol, alcoholism, and the alcoholic. Many of us have tried to threaten to get them to stop, we tried to love it away, yell it away, scream, plead, beg, buy it away, tried to explain to the person, used logic, rationalized, and so much more. Many people tried everything they could. It is sad, but the alcoholic will not stop...unless and until they want to.
Try the 90 in 90...90 meetings in 90 days...it's amazing. When you focus on you, you give yourself the best chance to get better. Keep coming back.
JBerd said
Feb 25, 2018
Good for you for saying your truth. I agree with those who say in person meetings would be a help at this time. Ultimatums are a hard choice, once you make the ultimatum, what then? You might also want to assess your next steps. Do you need/want to go ahead with separation? Have you looked into the reality of starting the legal process? Take your time, take one day at a time.
Wolfie55 said
Feb 25, 2018
Welcome. I, too, encourage you to attend face-to-face meetings. And to keep the focus on you, not on the alcoholic. Again, welcome to MIP.
I have been going through this in my head for months now and finally did it last night...I told my husband that he was going to have to move out if the drinking did not stop. I have never actually said those words before and it was the hardest thing I have had to do. The only problem is that he told me I am being a little extreme and that he will not move out of his house. He said that he agrees that some things need to change, but that he does not feel like we are to the point where he needs to move out. I am a now at a loss because he moved an extra bed downstairs and proceeded to grab a couple of beers and go down to his "new room" for t So, where does that leave me? I am now stuck in this awkward position where I have to continue on with the kids like nothing happened and he's staying in the basement. AND STILL DRINKING! So what are these things that are going to "change"? I just don't know what to do when all I am trying to do is keep my kids from having to see their dad drunk. Ever.
If your children are pre- teens or teens alateen meetings may also help.
You are not alone
You make your own choices irrespective of what others think and do. You are responsible for your happiness or sadness. Of course he gets to do the same thing. My early sponsor taught me to decide how I wanted things to come about and then do what was necessary to get that. It took a while and I learned how. Am still doing it today. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Everytime I.gave the now ex A an ultimatum he ignored it. The a.c. A had a friend there at our home 24/7 This guy was a total predator. I moved out with.an ultimatum that this guy would go. At that time it was a big deal in our relationship
He promised this guy would go. I moved back. Of.courde the guy was still there Eventually I got rid of that guy. I realise now his total predator stance was very triggering to me.
When we are dealing with an alcoholic we have to look at our expectations They are obsessed with alcohol. Their entire life revolves around it. Nevertheless an alcoholuc.is always looking to appear okay to others Moving into.another Room is a big deal for them. Anything that impinges on his alcohol use is a big deal.
When I have reasonable expectations around an alcoholic I.do better Expecting someone who is an addict to be reasonable 8snt really logical. Of course I do still have that exoectation.from time to time.
I have had to revise my expectations and goals on a daily basis
There is a kind of a myth about detachment. I wouldn't say it is ignoring anything Detachment us very very active When I stopped permitting the now ex A's choices to #eat me alive# it was a very active choice. Of course as I was leaving him alo be he liked it at first. After a while he wasn't so thrilled. I was though because I was not surviving the way I was
Detachment is really difficult. When you are with a alcoholic it is like trying to lift a 300 lb weight right off. You have to lift the 30 lb weight for a while Be patient be good to yourself
All the best and keep coming back.
That is challenging. You can feel good that you had the courage to say what you did. Disappointing though with his response. The whole "yeah, something has to change around here" then taking a bed and beer downstairs...it would be funny if it weren't having such a negative impact on you. You've come to the right place. I hope you can find a face to face meeting.
The biggest mistake I made was believing that my XAH didn't have other choices and options .. ironically he was very aware he did .. I was the one who didn't believe I had other choices or options. That's what the face to face meetings gave me the opportunity to explore those without having to put anything out to my XAH until I was ready.
Big hugs and keep coming back .. it really does work and the changes happen .. the ultimate goal is to change ME .. it's just not about the drinker .. MY thinking had become ridged and MY life had become unmanageable and Alanon gave back to me a sense of calm, as well as the reminder that I had choices that I was responsible for it was not all my XAH's fault.
S :)
The law told me given the situation he had the right to remain in the house...(small town, old friends AT that time, it changed later)..... for me it was a matter of my own sanity and what my children were exposed to. It was much easier for him to conceal gambling than the drinking. The games were easy for him to play out in front of the officers I had called. I had to leave to feel safe and regain some sense of sanity. I stayed close to my support group and even then, I let him back in my life again too soon after only 6 months.
Being in good support helped me emotionally detach enough to get through the years until my kids graduated and so forth. I only had to call the officers one time during the last 17 years. The relationship went on for 23 years before I got into recovery the last 17, he never did. This time, the officers sided with me. He finally added alcohol back into the gambling addiction he had switched to. They saw what he was, and had been doing. BUT in saying all this.......I had a calm and peace during that time that only came from being in recovery myself. I had a higher paying job and eventually left. I never looked back except to work thru my steps and see where I wish I had come in sooner.
Alanon is wonderful! You're not alone. I hope you find a good face to face meeting and also keep coming back:)
Welcome...by going to face-to-face al-anon meetings, you are in the right place, a safe place. Al-anon is a wonderful program...that can help YOU. Many people you will meet in those rooms -- and they are not strangers, they are just friends you haven't met yet -- have been through exactly what you are going through. They have felt exactly what you are feeling. They had the same pains, fears, and everything else. And today, some of the people you will meet in those rooms -- their lives are better. And your life can be better as well.
So, go to face-to-face al-anon meetings. Find a sponsor, start talking to him/her, calling him/her, learning from his/her experience(s), and from the other people in the rooms. They have been there. Start to learn what this program is all about -- the tools, how to use them -- and focus on you. Not him. You. You've already experienced one element of this program...You gave him an ultimatum...how did that work out for you? Rhetorical question. In al-anon we learn about boundaries and how we can establish them and implement them FOR THE BENEFIT AND WELL BEING OF OURSELVES. An ultimatum is to try and get someone else to stop doing something, to get them to do what you want, and so on. A boundary is for you, so that when the other person does what they do -- and they will because you can't stop it and you are powerless over it and them -- you have a called upon action step or process that will help you and protect you. Nothing to do with him. All to do with you.
The alcoholic will not stop drinking unless and until they want to. You are powerless over their drinking, alcohol, alcoholism, and the alcoholic. Many of us have tried to threaten to get them to stop, we tried to love it away, yell it away, scream, plead, beg, buy it away, tried to explain to the person, used logic, rationalized, and so much more. Many people tried everything they could. It is sad, but the alcoholic will not stop...unless and until they want to.
Try the 90 in 90...90 meetings in 90 days...it's amazing. When you focus on you, you give yourself the best chance to get better. Keep coming back.
Good for you for saying your truth. I agree with those who say in person meetings would be a help at this time. Ultimatums are a hard choice, once you make the ultimatum, what then? You might also want to assess your next steps. Do you need/want to go ahead with separation? Have you looked into the reality of starting the legal process? Take your time, take one day at a time.