Happy Valentineās Day! Today I am thankful for my three little loves and that the sun is shining and it is warmer today. But today I am also sad. I am sad that this disease has affected my life and my husbandās life and our marriage. Iām sad that I feel completely disconnected from my husband and that I feel lonely. Iām sad that I may spend it alone with my three littles without my husband and their dad home with us. But I guess I shouldnāt project what might happen tonight.
How do others handle these feelings of sadness? Do you pray them away and tell yourself to feel grateful for what you have? Iām struggling with these feelings that sometimes seem to take over my days.
I read in one of the slogan sheets that someone posted yesterday...HOPE (Hold On...Pain Ends). Iām reminding myself of that as I sit with my sadness.
Thank you for letting me share!
hotrod said
Feb 14, 2018
Hello Holly It sounds as if projection and fear are over whelming your thoughts. I found that making gratitude lists and asset lists helped me to let go of the sadness as it changed my focus ., The serenity prayer also helps.
Iamhere said
Feb 14, 2018
Hey Holly - sorry for your sadness....I too can 'get there' when I compare what I feel on my insides to what I see on the outside. I was reminded early in recovery that all these 'special days' are just another day - a start, a middle and an end. I also was told that I can choose to celebrate these any way I want - so have taken to do things different for those which stress me out for any reason.
I am also one to make gratitude lists as well as the Serenity Prayer and anything else I can get my hands on (literature) to try and stay present in the moment. It's easier said than done yet it's possible with continued practice. Be gentle with you and know that we do understand and you're not alone!
(((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Feb 14, 2018
Hi Holly,
I call it mourning for what I don't have and it's hard when what I want is right there however I am denied access to that person because of the diseased thinking or behavior.
For me the gratitude lists are big as well as when I get busy I get better. Reaching out to available people within program as well as reading lit, doing something for someone else is another way I find I feel better about whatever situation I am dealing with .. how can I be of service, it gets me out of stuck and it also makes me see the little miracles around me.
Yes, it is sad and no one should ever just dismiss their feelings, .. however where I get stuck is I stay there and mourn the would have, could have, should have been's.
Keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 14, 2018
Hi Holly! Welcome!
I too am feeling some sadness today, so I empathize with your sadness and hope you find some tools to utilize. I have always hated this day. Now that I am working through Step 4, I see that it wasn't always this way. However, probably ever since I have been married. I have been married 29 years. So that in itself is sad. But like Serenity mentioned, I am finding out that it is more about the "would've, could've and should haves." My husband was a good man. Probably still can be... it's there in his heart. But in accordance with Step 4 (fearless moral inventory), I have always felt that he never gave enough to me in this marriage. I always figured we would meet half-way, you know, 50/50. But the reality was I was giving 90% and he only 10%... even with all the years of marriage counseling etc. Addiction will do that. Addiction was his first love... I was just late in realizing that.
When I am (or was ) stuck in the sadness of the loss of what could've been a wonderful life-partner, I looked to my sponsor and what the veterans on this board would do. One of the things that I didn't initially give that much merit to were gratitude lists. When slogans and meetings failed to pull me out of my funk, I finally sat down and told myself, "You WILL do this!" At first, my list of woes was long, and the gratitude list was short. But I made a commitment to write on it everyday. Firstly, I didn't even realize I had many things to be grateful for... but "Things could always be worse," is very true! I was shocked how something so simple could help me out of the depression I felt. But it did!
Secondly, I learned a few years ago to do something special for me on this day. Something that makes me smile. In past years it was a massage, a pair of earrings, going out with friends (the night before). This year, I am struggling financially... in a big way. So I am picking flowers and arranging them in a pretty vase... just for me! How about making V-Day cards with your kids for your neighbors? That was also something that I loved to do when my Kid-let was young.
The point is, do something for you that helps you stay in the HERE AND NOW. Remember my friend, One Day at a Time!
Wishing you peace & love & sending you support over the interwebs!
_bunny_ said
Feb 14, 2018
Happy Valentines Day ((Holly73)). Thank you for sharing and I love what you said, hold on, pain ends, thats so true for me. You got tons of great responses above. For me when Im feeling sad, it is part of my grieving process. I felt deep sadness when I began to come out of my denial of what a normal marriage is supposed to be like. When I allowed myself to feel my feelings, and accepted the process, I began to heal. Today I take great care of myself. My need for love and support comes from my Alanon family because Ive come to the realization that my AH can not give what he doesnt have to give. Be gentle with yourself and know youre a loving human being that deserves it in return.
bud said
Feb 14, 2018
Happy Valentine's Day Holly73 and welcome! You've received great support and I also wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I relate to that feeling of not being connected when part of a couple. ("uncoupled?) Try not to project or develop expectations, rather shift your focus on something that would make you feel good you can do for yourself.
I haven't heard that: HOPE (Hold On Pain Ends) This is awesome! Thanks for sharing!
Holly73 said
Feb 15, 2018
Love the gratitude list suggestion! Such a great tool when the mind goes to the dark side. Iāve also been trying to do mental gratitude lists when I find myself growing impatient while waiting for things...like the long line at the bank today. Thank you to all for their shares.
Maresie said
Feb 15, 2018
I think it is pretty normal to feel sad. One of my friends committed suicide over a year ago. There isn't one.day I don't think how sad I.a. about that. It is really sad when a relationship is in trouble. For me my r3lationships were my entire world. I bad to change that. I had to have other things persons who were important to me..
I am also one to make gratitude lists as well as the Serenity Prayer and anything else I can get my hands on (literature) to try and stay present in the moment. It's easier said than done yet it's possible with continued practice. Be gentle with you and know that we do understand and you're not alone!
(((Hugs)))
I call it mourning for what I don't have and it's hard when what I want is right there however I am denied access to that person because of the diseased thinking or behavior.
For me the gratitude lists are big as well as when I get busy I get better. Reaching out to available people within program as well as reading lit, doing something for someone else is another way I find I feel better about whatever situation I am dealing with .. how can I be of service, it gets me out of stuck and it also makes me see the little miracles around me.
Yes, it is sad and no one should ever just dismiss their feelings, .. however where I get stuck is I stay there and mourn the would have, could have, should have been's.
Keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
Hi Holly! Welcome!
I too am feeling some sadness today, so I empathize with your sadness and hope you find some tools to utilize. I have always hated this day. Now that I am working through Step 4, I see that it wasn't always this way. However, probably ever since I have been married. I have been married 29 years. So that in itself is sad. But like Serenity mentioned, I am finding out that it is more about the "would've, could've and should haves." My husband was a good man. Probably still can be... it's there in his heart. But in accordance with Step 4 (fearless moral inventory), I have always felt that he never gave enough to me in this marriage. I always figured we would meet half-way, you know, 50/50. But the reality was I was giving 90% and he only 10%... even with all the years of marriage counseling etc. Addiction will do that. Addiction was his first love... I was just late in realizing that.
When I am (or was ) stuck in the sadness of the loss of what could've been a wonderful life-partner, I looked to my sponsor and what the veterans on this board would do. One of the things that I didn't initially give that much merit to were gratitude lists. When slogans and meetings failed to pull me out of my funk, I finally sat down and told myself, "You WILL do this!" At first, my list of woes was long, and the gratitude list was short. But I made a commitment to write on it everyday. Firstly, I didn't even realize I had many things to be grateful for... but "Things could always be worse," is very true! I was shocked how something so simple could help me out of the depression I felt. But it did!
Secondly, I learned a few years ago to do something special for me on this day. Something that makes me smile. In past years it was a massage, a pair of earrings, going out with friends (the night before). This year, I am struggling financially... in a big way. So I am picking flowers and arranging them in a pretty vase... just for me! How about making V-Day cards with your kids for your neighbors? That was also something that I loved to do when my Kid-let was young.
The point is, do something for you that helps you stay in the HERE AND NOW. Remember my friend, One Day at a Time!
Wishing you peace & love & sending you support over the interwebs!
I haven't heard that: HOPE (Hold On Pain Ends) This is awesome! Thanks for sharing!
I think it is pretty normal to feel sad. One of my friends committed suicide over a year ago. There isn't one.day I don't think how sad I.a. about that. It is really sad when a relationship is in trouble. For me my r3lationships were my entire world. I bad to change that. I had to have other things persons who were important to me..