Over the past year I have learned a lot about myself and I am grateful for the experiences I have had, .. they have given me a lot of time to reflect on a few things.
I want to clarify .. my XAH is an ass .. that hasn't gone away .. LOL .. at some point with enough program I may be open to it .. at this time I pray for the willingness not to reach through the computer and strangle him .. which is a good start for me. :)
I'm watching and being a sounding board for a work friend who is getting married and I mutter a lot about couples therapy. True story .. I believe everyone needs good basic couples therapy before getting married .. there are so many things that are not discussed that people do not think about, .. I am a two time looser in relationships and honestly I do not know what makes a good relationship work .. I can sure tell you what makes it not work. LOL. That I have down to a tee. In listening to them and making observations I realized something that I had started to see last year .. I was not nice to my XAH even at the beginning of our relationship. I was in such defensive mode I don't know that I had been open because I was not receptive. It is devastating to a relationship, however I really took every opportunity to castrate him and didn't even know I was doing it. I think it was just the whole I didn't know how to be myself around a man in general. I also think I didn't know how to be nice because I was not treated nicely growing up. I have been making sure over the past few months to point things out that my kids are doing right and not dwelling on the things that are negative.
After observing what my BF has gone through with his XW and seeing how devastating it is for anyone to constantly be put down and spoken to like a dog pretty much .. and listening to my work friend .. it really hit me that I was not nice or kind to my X .. I had moments .. of course .. however those moments should have outweighed the moments of not being kind or nice. Relationships are not easy all of the time. People aren't perfect .. accepting someone where they are flaws and all is key for me. In no way am I excusing my X's behavior because he did really damaging things. I am not going to rationalize his poor behavior with oh he was sick and so on .. yes .. all true .. however as with anyone else .. he's still responsible for his behavior drunk, sober or ignorant. I tend not to be to nice to him now based upon the fact I always feel like I have to be on guard with him because he's such an ass. Again he can be an ass I don't need to participate in that behavior.
It has given me pause to make sure when I am frustrated or talking to my BF or anyone else to hold myself accountable for my words. This is not a bad practice for me since I can be cutting and not be trying to be. It is easy to focus on the negative .. it is hard to see the good, at least for me. So I have really been focused on making a point of pointing things out I like vs what I don't. Everyone needs to hear that from people they value.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Feb 13, 2018
Hey S - the church of my youth does require pre-marriage counseling and they topics are indeed things that many/most don't think about - well beyond religion....It was enlightening, however that marriage still ended in divorce for myself. Great awareness - it's not easy always to see our part and how we contribute to the chaos, drama and insanity. Your post reminds me of the three A's - Awareness, Acceptance and then Action.
What I have always heard in recovery is that anytime I am bothered by another, there is an issue within me as well, and there is more work to do. This premise for me does not ever excuse an ass from being an ass but it does remind me that I have grown and will continue to grow in such a way that at some point in time, their behavior will not consume my thoughts, emotions, etc. The concept of justified anger, resentments and being disturbed by others is covered deeply in Step 10 of the 'other' program.
I have a quick whit and a sharp tongue. Before recovery, I have sliced others to pieces with my self-righteous indignation, ego, pride and words. I don't like that part of me and have worked hard to be a kinder, gentler version of me. What I do feel now is that when I am restless, irritable and discontent over anyone or anything, I have to take a good hard look at me or I am blocking myself from spiritual growth.
My tongue sharpener tends to come out when I am H.A.L.T - often. Grateful for the many tools that help us do/be better!! (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Feb 13, 2018
(((Serenity)) Recovery is a process You are doing great
Freetime said
Feb 13, 2018
Hi Serenity, thank you for your honest share. I really admire how you -- and others in the program -- are looking at ourselves, seeing how we can improve, and actually improving one day at a time. This gives me hope.
Tude said
Feb 14, 2018
Great, honest ESH Serenity!
I brought that tongue into my now marriage. Years of too much fear to speak up as often as needed, in the right way and with consistency was buried.........even WITH my recovery programs during the XAGH. (gambler)
My now marriage....one major incident when he got drunk....at the beginning of our relationship (he's very sweet man) and I was horrified and appalled at how my mouth got in gear. It was like wow, who am I, where is all this anger coming from and how on earth do I stop it! I honestly did not want those feelings or the words that came with it inside me. I did not know how to stop it all. We went to couples counseling and it really helped but the triggers were there and the past abuses were still buried inside me
I will say, it got better over the years but just when I thought it was all gone......even if it was half a year or so.......it all came back. It was in saying subtle remarks that I am sure now looking back hurt him deeply. Alanon has been a depth of healing for me that there are simply no words for. My HP has used this, the steps and everyone in it to teach me how to start healing, how to live and be free of that horrid part of myself. I no longer feel that buried resentment or the anger.
Hugs and thank you all!!!!
bud said
Feb 14, 2018
((SerenityRUS)) Thank you for sharing. There are so many reasons why hindsight makes 20/20 more easy! Now that there's distance, detachment, time, and wisdom... oh boy!
For me is is a process and practice. I'm grateful for the support of my Alanon family and hopeful for continued progress.
Over the past year I have learned a lot about myself and I am grateful for the experiences I have had, .. they have given me a lot of time to reflect on a few things.
I want to clarify .. my XAH is an ass .. that hasn't gone away .. LOL .. at some point with enough program I may be open to it .. at this time I pray for the willingness not to reach through the computer and strangle him .. which is a good start for me. :)
I'm watching and being a sounding board for a work friend who is getting married and I mutter a lot about couples therapy. True story .. I believe everyone needs good basic couples therapy before getting married .. there are so many things that are not discussed that people do not think about, .. I am a two time looser in relationships and honestly I do not know what makes a good relationship work .. I can sure tell you what makes it not work. LOL. That I have down to a tee. In listening to them and making observations I realized something that I had started to see last year .. I was not nice to my XAH even at the beginning of our relationship. I was in such defensive mode I don't know that I had been open because I was not receptive. It is devastating to a relationship, however I really took every opportunity to castrate him and didn't even know I was doing it. I think it was just the whole I didn't know how to be myself around a man in general. I also think I didn't know how to be nice because I was not treated nicely growing up. I have been making sure over the past few months to point things out that my kids are doing right and not dwelling on the things that are negative.
After observing what my BF has gone through with his XW and seeing how devastating it is for anyone to constantly be put down and spoken to like a dog pretty much .. and listening to my work friend .. it really hit me that I was not nice or kind to my X .. I had moments .. of course .. however those moments should have outweighed the moments of not being kind or nice. Relationships are not easy all of the time. People aren't perfect .. accepting someone where they are flaws and all is key for me. In no way am I excusing my X's behavior because he did really damaging things. I am not going to rationalize his poor behavior with oh he was sick and so on .. yes .. all true .. however as with anyone else .. he's still responsible for his behavior drunk, sober or ignorant. I tend not to be to nice to him now based upon the fact I always feel like I have to be on guard with him because he's such an ass. Again he can be an ass I don't need to participate in that behavior.
It has given me pause to make sure when I am frustrated or talking to my BF or anyone else to hold myself accountable for my words. This is not a bad practice for me since I can be cutting and not be trying to be. It is easy to focus on the negative .. it is hard to see the good, at least for me. So I have really been focused on making a point of pointing things out I like vs what I don't. Everyone needs to hear that from people they value.
Hugs S :)
What I have always heard in recovery is that anytime I am bothered by another, there is an issue within me as well, and there is more work to do. This premise for me does not ever excuse an ass from being an ass but it does remind me that I have grown and will continue to grow in such a way that at some point in time, their behavior will not consume my thoughts, emotions, etc. The concept of justified anger, resentments and being disturbed by others is covered deeply in Step 10 of the 'other' program.
I have a quick whit and a sharp tongue. Before recovery, I have sliced others to pieces with my self-righteous indignation, ego, pride and words. I don't like that part of me and have worked hard to be a kinder, gentler version of me. What I do feel now is that when I am restless, irritable and discontent over anyone or anything, I have to take a good hard look at me or I am blocking myself from spiritual growth.
My tongue sharpener tends to come out when I am H.A.L.T - often. Grateful for the many tools that help us do/be better!! (((Hugs)))
I brought that tongue into my now marriage. Years of too much fear to speak up as often as needed, in the right way and with consistency was buried.........even WITH my recovery programs during the XAGH. (gambler)
My now marriage....one major incident when he got drunk....at the beginning of our relationship (he's very sweet man) and I was horrified and appalled at how my mouth got in gear. It was like wow, who am I, where is all this anger coming from and how on earth do I stop it! I honestly did not want those feelings or the words that came with it inside me. I did not know how to stop it all. We went to couples counseling and it really helped but the triggers were there and the past abuses were still buried inside me
I will say, it got better over the years but just when I thought it was all gone......even if it was half a year or so.......it all came back. It was in saying subtle remarks that I am sure now looking back hurt him deeply. Alanon has been a depth of healing for me that there are simply no words for. My HP has used this, the steps and everyone in it to teach me how to start healing, how to live and be free of that horrid part of myself. I no longer feel that buried resentment or the anger.
Hugs and thank you all!!!!
For me is is a process and practice. I'm grateful for the support of my Alanon family and hopeful for continued progress.
Glad you are here!