update - husband in rehab - decided to stay with my mum
AnnieFenk321 said
Feb 11, 2018
Hello all, I just wanted to quickly update on my situation.
I am still here in my home country, living with my mother and my son, while my husband is in rehab in the country where we all lived until recently. I heard from the rehab today and they say that he is doing well. I am not really sure what that means in the context of rehab, but I am happy for any good news and no more dramas.
Living with my mother is very difficult. I have a lot of resentments, anger and pain surrounding her that I am working through. I have come to the realisation that she is a very sick al anon/adult child of alcoholics who has never had the opportunities of program or therapy. The fact that I am also an adult child and al anon means that lots of the things she does that drive me nuts are the very things that I do in relationships with others. In many ways it has been an important lesson in what my tendencies are and how my attempts to control and manipulate other people - even nicely, and even with the best of intentions are percieved by others. One things that I think is really interesting is that we both request things by saying "do you want to..." like, "do you want to pass me that book?" - it's bizarre, why not just make a request - "please pass me the book" and have them say yes or no. It used to drive my husband nuts when I would say "do you want to change the baby" or whatever and I never got it until now. I have come to realise I have a much greater share of blame for our marriage issues than I wanted to let on before I came here, and I have also realised that without program and serious changes within myself - and - you know the help of a higher power, I am not going to be any better in a future relationship. So I need to really get on this.
I have not been so successful getting to meetings. They are at very inconvenient times and until now I haven't had a car.
In very good news, I go a job here. It is based on some of my previous professional experience and pays really well for a few hours of work. I am very grateful for it and happy to feel like I have something positive in my life that I am looking forward too again. So I have decided to stay for a half a year here - where I am now. But I will be able to save money and plan to use it to move to a city I really want to be in back in the country where my PhD program and husband still are.
Another thing that happened is that my mum "surprised me" by buying me a car.... but now she wants to be paid back for what she spent. In a certain way it was a very kind thing - she wanted me to have the car as soon as possible and thought it was a great deal. But it was more than I wanted to spend. And I also don't borrow money, even from family, even for a short time - and this "having to pay her back" thing is like borrowing to me. And also I just wanted the independence of choosing the car. I have never done it before, all my previous cars have been hand me downs and now for the past five years I haven't had one. I just wanted to choose it myself and buy it with my own money. It makes me sad. But I suppose this is how my higher power got me a car.
I did express to her that i was upset, and explained that it was about my independence and I just wanted to choose it myself. I feel like I did say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean because I also acknowlegde that I see her intentions were very good and I appreciate them.
Anyway this is getting rambly. Thank you for listening.
hotrod said
Feb 11, 2018
((Annie))) thanks for the impressive update . I sounds as if you are staying in the moment, looking inward and practicing program with grace and dignity. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
Iamhere said
Feb 11, 2018
Great awareness Annie - keep working it and more will be revealed. Congrats. on your job and wheels - I too am sending positive thoughts your way. I too see progress and that's what Al-Anon is all about!! (((Hugs)))
Tude said
Feb 11, 2018
Hi Annie. Good to hear from you and also how well you are doing. Congratulations on the successes you are experiencing! Hugs sent from over here:)
Lyne said
Feb 11, 2018
Hi Annie-You sound aware of all the reality going on, the good and the bad. It also sounds like you are very aware of what you want to improve about yourself. I have found that my awareness leads to change and improvement. This is a temporary change for you. Keep on keeping on. Great work! Lyne
Freetime said
Feb 11, 2018
Hi Annie, I love how you said that your higher power got you a car! That's a great way to look at it. I'm sure that someday you will buy your own car, exactly the one you want. And even though it's uncomfortable now to owe money to your mother, when the day comes that you pay it back, it will feel really good.
AnnieFenk321 said
Feb 12, 2018
Hi all, thank you so much for all the warm words. I really appreciate it. It feels so nice to have some positive feedback.
Just now I got some messages from a friend who is all disappointed that I have decided to stay. Some of my friends, I can think of two people in particular, are close enough to us that I felt like I should tell them what is going on with me as I needed their help with some practical things. Unfortunately they don't have experience with addiction and both forcefully gave me unhelpful advice. It's hard for me to detach from their words and their opinions. I swing between extremes, where I want to write them off and cut them out of my life, or listen to everything they say and nothing in between. It's hard for me to acknowlegde that even good friends can be flawed and selfish and unable to see what I am going through.
Thanks again for listening.
Maresie said
Feb 14, 2018
Living with a parent is very stressful As an adult after three decades of therapy I once tried to visit my mother I ended up physically ill. I would onkjy see family members now in a neutral setting
Nevertheless given your choices you are doing really well.
Congratulations on getting a job That is an incredible achievement.
I have to say I always gave with huge strings attached. Anything I have th e ex A had huge strings atrached to it
I had totally unreal expectations. I don't know too many people who give without expectation. I try to these days but I have to say it is somewhat difficult I can still find myself caught up in problems . I have to keep it small. .
I am also guilty of giving unreasonable advice . I once foisted my advice on a very dear friend of mine I was absolutely not #there# for her. I have to say the situation she found herself in was very difficult. I didn't know what to say so I pushed her away with this unreasonable advice. I have fel t bad that I was not #there# for her at such a critical time
I tend to move away from friendships where I am not being heard. Sometimes I have resentment. These days I don't present as being overwhelmed with pain and difficulty
I was overwhelmed for a long long time I am not overwhelmed in my life these days but I certainly have problems
I have to work on detaching daily .
.Being around when someone is in rehab is like beinbg out on hold. One of my friends currently has a daughter in rehab and it ius really difficult for him.
You have a number of very difficult challenging situations right now Any one of them would be difficult. I hope you will g8ve al anon a chance. There are meetings here and a chat room that can be helpful. Being in transition is very difficult Before I had this apartment I was in transition for two years
Now I have an apartment I have new challenges. We are always going to have challenges Al anon in particular is very very helpful to me Most of all having an attitude if self compassion and forgiveness to my self is helpful
-- Edited by Maresie on Wednesday 14th of February 2018 10:08:47 PM
Hello all, I just wanted to quickly update on my situation.
I am still here in my home country, living with my mother and my son, while my husband is in rehab in the country where we all lived until recently. I heard from the rehab today and they say that he is doing well. I am not really sure what that means in the context of rehab, but I am happy for any good news and no more dramas.
Living with my mother is very difficult. I have a lot of resentments, anger and pain surrounding her that I am working through. I have come to the realisation that she is a very sick al anon/adult child of alcoholics who has never had the opportunities of program or therapy. The fact that I am also an adult child and al anon means that lots of the things she does that drive me nuts are the very things that I do in relationships with others. In many ways it has been an important lesson in what my tendencies are and how my attempts to control and manipulate other people - even nicely, and even with the best of intentions are percieved by others. One things that I think is really interesting is that we both request things by saying "do you want to..." like, "do you want to pass me that book?" - it's bizarre, why not just make a request - "please pass me the book" and have them say yes or no. It used to drive my husband nuts when I would say "do you want to change the baby" or whatever and I never got it until now. I have come to realise I have a much greater share of blame for our marriage issues than I wanted to let on before I came here, and I have also realised that without program and serious changes within myself - and - you know the help of a higher power, I am not going to be any better in a future relationship. So I need to really get on this.
I have not been so successful getting to meetings. They are at very inconvenient times and until now I haven't had a car.
In very good news, I go a job here. It is based on some of my previous professional experience and pays really well for a few hours of work. I am very grateful for it and happy to feel like I have something positive in my life that I am looking forward too again. So I have decided to stay for a half a year here - where I am now. But I will be able to save money and plan to use it to move to a city I really want to be in back in the country where my PhD program and husband still are.
Another thing that happened is that my mum "surprised me" by buying me a car.... but now she wants to be paid back for what she spent. In a certain way it was a very kind thing - she wanted me to have the car as soon as possible and thought it was a great deal. But it was more than I wanted to spend. And I also don't borrow money, even from family, even for a short time - and this "having to pay her back" thing is like borrowing to me. And also I just wanted the independence of choosing the car. I have never done it before, all my previous cars have been hand me downs and now for the past five years I haven't had one. I just wanted to choose it myself and buy it with my own money. It makes me sad. But I suppose this is how my higher power got me a car.
I did express to her that i was upset, and explained that it was about my independence and I just wanted to choose it myself. I feel like I did say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean because I also acknowlegde that I see her intentions were very good and I appreciate them.
Anyway this is getting rambly. Thank you for listening.
Just now I got some messages from a friend who is all disappointed that I have decided to stay. Some of my friends, I can think of two people in particular, are close enough to us that I felt like I should tell them what is going on with me as I needed their help with some practical things. Unfortunately they don't have experience with addiction and both forcefully gave me unhelpful advice. It's hard for me to detach from their words and their opinions. I swing between extremes, where I want to write them off and cut them out of my life, or listen to everything they say and nothing in between. It's hard for me to acknowlegde that even good friends can be flawed and selfish and unable to see what I am going through.
Thanks again for listening.
Living with a parent is very stressful As an adult after three decades of therapy I once tried to visit my mother I ended up physically ill. I would onkjy see family members now in a neutral setting
Nevertheless given your choices you are doing really well.
Congratulations on getting a job That is an incredible achievement.
I have to say I always gave with huge strings attached. Anything I have th e ex A had huge strings atrached to it
I had totally unreal expectations. I don't know too many people who give without expectation. I try to these days but I have to say it is somewhat difficult I can still find myself caught up in problems . I have to keep it small. .
I am also guilty of giving unreasonable advice . I once foisted my advice on a very dear friend of mine I was absolutely not #there# for her. I have to say the situation she found herself in was very difficult. I didn't know what to say so I pushed her away with this unreasonable advice. I have fel t bad that I was not #there# for her at such a critical time
I tend to move away from friendships where I am not being heard. Sometimes I have resentment. These days I don't present as being overwhelmed with pain and difficulty
I was overwhelmed for a long long time I am not overwhelmed in my life these days but I certainly have problems
I have to work on detaching daily .
.Being around when someone is in rehab is like beinbg out on hold. One of my friends currently has a daughter in rehab and it ius really difficult for him.
You have a number of very difficult challenging situations right now Any one of them would be difficult. I hope you will g8ve al anon a chance. There are meetings here and a chat room that can be helpful. Being in transition is very difficult Before I had this apartment I was in transition for two years
Now I have an apartment I have new challenges. We are always going to have challenges Al anon in particular is very very helpful to me Most of all having an attitude if self compassion and forgiveness to my self is helpful
-- Edited by Maresie on Wednesday 14th of February 2018 10:08:47 PM