Evening (or whatever time of the day you happen to be in!), MIP. A recent post by another member opened up memories Id forgotten, but that now seem very important to look at, so heres my thoughts. This is an long post.

In the first several years of my and my ex-abfs relationship (especially then, but also later) he would be pretty much obsessed with the fact I had had many ex "boyfriends" (...the relationships usually lasted for one evening and were sexual in nature). He was obsessed, he hated it, was really jealous, and he really pestered me about that constantly. I was absolutely smitten by him at the time, though, so I also told him everything he wanted to know, including intimate details. I don't remember really how long all this went on, but it was years, I think, and I truly grew to hate myself for having been with a number of guys before, I learned to see myself as an ex-b***h really, and ex-abf cultivated that. And I WAS very, ahem, "outgoing", but in retrospect the insane amount of time and effort I spent self-punishing and figuratively beating myself to a pulp over my teenage sexual adventures was much too much. In retrospect, it was none of my business how ex-abf felt about any of my past relationships. At the time, though, my ex-abf was on such a high pedestal, sitting in god's place in my life, I could not imagine not taking on his views as my own. It did not occur to him to really take into account that when I was with those other people, I didn't even know my then abf, I didn't do any of that to hurt him in any way. I remember I did try to prove my viewpoint somehow, but I gave up at some point, and, well, I allowed my views to be ignored and ignored them myself. I let myself be convinced thoroughly that my past was wrong, wrong, wrong, like burn-in-hell wrong.

I see some things now... First I learned to hate and despise my (past) self, and I don't exaggerate, I really learned to do that very fervently - and around that time, early in our relationship, is when my depression began and which continued for around the next 7 years. Now I wonder if it wasn't directly caused by my enormous self-hate... I think, now, that this was one of the reasons I felt so terribly guilty, my ex-abf could use my "wrongdoings" to manipulate me freely, there was a long period of time where I felt I deserved whatever bad things I got. I had been bad and so I was guily and so I had to MAKE UP for my wrongdoings... After years, after finally getting out of the depression hole I began to forgive myself for my past b***iness, and he also had eased up on that...

Ive looked at the WHYs of that teenage behavior already, and Ive understood that my seeking out new relationships again and again was in large part seeking acceptance and the desire to feel wanted. When I got that, I could feel good about myself. Yeah, I suppose I was degrading myself in the process, but the past is past. I had that unfulfilled need and I sought to fulfil it the best I knew how at the time.

But today I see Im still holding on to the mindset that what I did with other guys when I was 14-15 was wrong, bad, low, b***y. That I was wrong, bad, low, b***y. That Im inherently this wrong kind of person.

Oh, seriously, this is another big awareness for me. All of that was one of the inital reasons how my ex-abf was absolutely free to manipulate and mold me almost from the beginning of our relationship. I was in some ways empty before I met him, but afterwards I allowed him to use my past against me, to punish me, but no worse than I punished myself. He was and is extremely manipulative, and I was, and still am, unable to really feel I am a worthy person without seeking out proofs of that from other people.

These past couple of days have been not exactly pleasant for me, but thats all inside me, because the outside circumstances have been pretty good. Its just me that is not OK. Im sometimes, like today, still very confused about who I even am, sometimes I just feel so empty, somewho, like Im just a shell, and do I even know what I feel, and what is real and what is only my skewed perception that is not based in reality, and how the h**k to tell the difference. Clearly, I do not trust my perception today. I used to feel something like this a lot more often and used to fear what was happening inside me a whole lot more. Im grateful this is not as bad and scary, and that theres MIP to share at, and for my sponsor as well.

I want acceptance, I want to pity myself, I want to feel good and happy, and I want it all preferably now, gift-wrapped. Im learning to accept myself, bit by bit, but today it seems like my past and the tangled, skewed attitudes I learned are so many, so different, how the deuce I can ever come even close to being OK? What comforts me is that despite how it feels now, most of my days are actually pretty good now, I can be sometimes silly, just joyful, more outgoing, more open in communication with other people, less scared, less tense and nervous than a year before when I came to Al-Anon... I cannot deny theres progress in many areas of my life, it shines through my gloom! So it works when I work it, even when I feel like a miserable, hopeless puddle. Im grateful for that, so this too shall pass, sometime.

((Ailine this is indeed a powerful 5th step where you have acknowledged past destructive behavior honestly- are willing to have it lifted because you see it no longer serves you, NOW alanon has the answer to this -- It sounds as if you are entirely ready for your guilt and shame to be lifted(6th step) so all you need to do is ask Hp to do so continue to pray about it and do not beat yourself up or being human

By the way your past sexual life was none his business

((((Aline)))) great post and one I remember going thru also and hearing that my sponsors and sponsees also bent thru.  With the help of our program that loves me entirely I learned to love my self unconditionally.   The definition of love was given to me by another female member after a meeting where she shared to my lack of belief and acceptance.  After the meeting I asked for her definition of Love to which she said, "Love is the complete and total     acceptance     of every other human being for exactly who they are.   (we are included in the every other human being) so I got re-educated again in the program.  

I read your post and am reminded of the lessons that I have accepted in recovery along with the one above.  I remember having the courage to ask HP "How do you see me" and getting the response "I love you" and then letting go of the question "How is that even possible"? to remember, "for God that is easy".  I learned forgiveness, empathy, sympathy and acceptance and more for others including my alcoholics and then learned to see myself in the group.  When I tried to use scathing self judgement on myself my sponsor gave me the question, "Could you be wrong"?  and "Yes" I often was.    Give yourself a month of one day and a time with self acceptance and see what that does for your recovery....Keep coming back.   Thanks for the post.  ((((hugs)))) 

Hi Aline -  As the one who know exactly what you're talking about  (this is suppose to be a winking emoticon....?), I can relate to what you're saying.   But I hope to give you another perspective to help you as you continue to let go of the "self-hate" feelings in hopes you can let them go even easier and fully.  As I mentioned in my other post, I was 29 when I met my AH.   So common sense says "of course these 2 people are going to have had previous relationships", right?   I guess I don't think it matters really at what age...I look at the previous relationships as learning experiences - teens, 20s, 30s and so on.   In my experience, I had decided that I didn't need to date anyone.  At 29, I had a good/stable job, I owned a house, had lots of friends and flight benefits to travel the world as I worked at the airline.   I was set and was just going to enjoy my life with family and friends.   Then I met my AH - he was the first person I actually felt as though "wow, I could have your babies!"  Up until that point, my life was about me and life's experiences.  I 'thought' I had a healthy view of myself and even a solid belief in God (my HP) knowing we are all called to different life experiences.  Now that I've lived with this progressive disease for 18 years, it's taken it's toll on me. 

Fast forward a few years: I'm now married to my AH and all of a sudden the same issues you described are now a problem.  What?  And the same as what you described, I had been very upfront and honest about any past relationships as I wanted it all out on the table.  I had nothing to hide because I had met the person I was willing to give my all to....my heart and my love.  I was willing to move with him for his job (leaving friends and family behind multiple times), we decided I would stay home to raise the kids as we both felt that was important (giving up a job where I was being 'groomed' to progress into leadership roles).  Even though this resentment was growing within my AH, we still (at least I thought) communicated and worked together.  Now, after all these years, I can see that this one experience of mine is what fuels my AH to feel bad about himself and inadequate. It continues to fuel his "stinkin' thinking".  It's the disease and while I look forward to someday processing my part of it (I still don't know what that is....), I'm not going to let it get me down or think less of myself.   Having dated and been romantically/sexually involved with others is what allowed me to be open to dating and marrying my AH.  What hurts me the most is that I'm being punished by AH for something happened BEFORE I had met him.  Something that even today I would do again as it gave me confidence in wanting to be with him.   I have many other faults that I beat myself up over that I'm not going to add to the list.  I have enough going on in my head that I don't want to 'own' other peoples feelings of me, life or anything like that.  I don't mind having empathy for their good and bad times but I don't want it to control me.

I'm happy that you have been able to address these thoughts from the past and move forward.  I hope to have the same success on my journey.  But wow, this whole thing is an experience, isn't it?  And not always pleasant.  Keep focusing on you and knowing you are an awesome person so you can continue to shine bright in both joy and those times of gloom.

Thank you for your share!