Hi there I wonder if all you wonderful people can help me. My husbands sick with alcoholism at the moment and is slowly trying to sort himself out visiting people, phonecalls etc. Some time ago he befriended a female alcoholic during his long recovery period. My AH is very kind and generous and she took the biscuit as it were (taxis, drink, money) so i had to make a stand as he won't say no. I had to take the blame of course. I've just found out she's in contact with him again. The lies make me angry. Anyway Im sure nothing is going on but I am worried she will bring him down as she has never stopped drinking and wants a drinking partner as that is all she does - drinks. I want to ring her up - how do I say it nicely that he's trying to get his life on track etc
serenity47 said
Feb 5, 2018
Hi Ling
You do not need to do a thing. There is a saying never do for the alcoholic what they are capable of doing for themselves. By cleaning up the messes another person has created robs them of the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes. I did this with my loved one and it only prolonged the time period she required to grow up. I falsely believed that if I could somehow extinguish all the "bad" influences in my daughters life then she would somehow miraculously recover. FALSE belief, she didn't recover until she was willing to do the work required herself. I was more invested in her recovery in the beginning then she was. My life became much more manageable when I took the focus off of her life and put it on my own where it belonged. Meetings and 12 steps helped me. I encourage you to give it a try for yourself.
hotrod said
Feb 5, 2018
((ing)) remembering that we are powerless over this disease and having expectations that this call will have her change her behavior is a stretch. I would examine my motives for calling and if it is simply to vent then that is your decision. I wouldl call this LADY and strongly suggest that she find another drinking companion as he is married and attempting to regain his lifei.
SerenityRUS said
Feb 5, 2018
I know it's hard ling however it doesn't sound like this is any of your business. If your spouse can't say no or refuses to do so, this is part of the control I had to let go of.
You aren't his mother. When I started having to monitor my XAH in this way it told me how bad things really were, .. it goes with the whole issue of getting involved in your AH's relationship with his son.
I want to point out that when my XAH and I were coming to the end of the road and I had asked him/told him to leave .. he had another woman probably more than one. I had her phone number, address, I obviously knew where she worked as that's where they were having the affair .. my sponsor and his s/mother called me and wanted to confront her spouse at the time to tell him what was going on. You know .. my response surprised even me .. who I am to cause someone else's pain .. PLUS I did not know the situation between her and her spouse at the time (they have sense divorced and she has remarried, not my XAH .. lol). I had heard rumors that he was abusive to her .. what would have happened if I told her spouse that and something horrific had happened like he hurt her or their kids .. soooo NOT my place. I never want to carry that kind of karma.
My point is these things have a way to work themselves out .. however you are not the drink police, his mother, or his caretaker. You are his wife and what that means to you. I would have felt pathetic calling this other woman or her husband to tell her to stay away from my husband. I will tell you she got a big dose of karma when we ran into each other at a restaurant and she was with her parents. I was calm, I was clear and I got to speak my peace in a very calm elegant manner. I didn't seek her out .. she came into my world. I took my own power back at that point.
You aren't going to stop him from drinking, he's got to want to do that on his own. You talk about alcoholism as if it's the flu and will go away .. the reality is it's more like cancer .. it will go into remission however it is always present. One trip to a rehab is not going to "fix" him or make it go away. It is a life long issue that for some comes back and for others does not.
I encourage you to keep coming back and to find a meeting or two. Get yourself healthy and figure out how to take care of yourself instead of making yourself sick with worry, and trying to control something that is not going to happen. I sense the frantic pace that you are trying to cut off the train wreck and it's exhausting to be that person who is trying to beat alcoholism and not even be the drinker.
Big hugs,
S :)
Tude said
Feb 5, 2018
((ling)) Getting involved in that area, the phone calls etc are crazy making things for me. I no longer get involved in that area. Please keep coming back, work the steps as hard as you can, get a sponsor and take care of you. If you can find f2f meetings it would really help. The only thing that will stop his drinking is when he is ready to stop. In the meantime all that goes with alcoholism etc.........the woman drinker......in his world is unfortunately normal.......this is all about you taking care of you and in doing so, it may help him. Its the best way we have to help.
You do not need to do a thing. There is a saying never do for the alcoholic what they are capable of doing for themselves. By cleaning up the messes another person has created robs them of the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes. I did this with my loved one and it only prolonged the time period she required to grow up. I falsely believed that if I could somehow extinguish all the "bad" influences in my daughters life then she would somehow miraculously recover. FALSE belief, she didn't recover until she was willing to do the work required herself. I was more invested in her recovery in the beginning then she was. My life became much more manageable when I took the focus off of her life and put it on my own where it belonged. Meetings and 12 steps helped me. I encourage you to give it a try for yourself.
((ing)) remembering that we are powerless over this disease and having expectations that this call will have her change her behavior is a stretch. I would examine my motives for calling and if it is simply to vent then that is your decision. I wouldl call this LADY and strongly suggest that she find another drinking companion as he is married and attempting to regain his lifei.
You aren't his mother. When I started having to monitor my XAH in this way it told me how bad things really were, .. it goes with the whole issue of getting involved in your AH's relationship with his son.
I want to point out that when my XAH and I were coming to the end of the road and I had asked him/told him to leave .. he had another woman probably more than one. I had her phone number, address, I obviously knew where she worked as that's where they were having the affair .. my sponsor and his s/mother called me and wanted to confront her spouse at the time to tell him what was going on. You know .. my response surprised even me .. who I am to cause someone else's pain .. PLUS I did not know the situation between her and her spouse at the time (they have sense divorced and she has remarried, not my XAH .. lol). I had heard rumors that he was abusive to her .. what would have happened if I told her spouse that and something horrific had happened like he hurt her or their kids .. soooo NOT my place. I never want to carry that kind of karma.
My point is these things have a way to work themselves out .. however you are not the drink police, his mother, or his caretaker. You are his wife and what that means to you. I would have felt pathetic calling this other woman or her husband to tell her to stay away from my husband. I will tell you she got a big dose of karma when we ran into each other at a restaurant and she was with her parents. I was calm, I was clear and I got to speak my peace in a very calm elegant manner. I didn't seek her out .. she came into my world. I took my own power back at that point.
You aren't going to stop him from drinking, he's got to want to do that on his own. You talk about alcoholism as if it's the flu and will go away .. the reality is it's more like cancer .. it will go into remission however it is always present. One trip to a rehab is not going to "fix" him or make it go away. It is a life long issue that for some comes back and for others does not.
I encourage you to keep coming back and to find a meeting or two. Get yourself healthy and figure out how to take care of yourself instead of making yourself sick with worry, and trying to control something that is not going to happen. I sense the frantic pace that you are trying to cut off the train wreck and it's exhausting to be that person who is trying to beat alcoholism and not even be the drinker.
Big hugs,
S :)