I could really use some ESH.....here's what is happening that I've alluded to but haven't posted on yet. My AH is on day 11 of using naltrexone to not drink but that's it; he's not in any program and has underlying anxiety (and most likely depression??) which has probably contributed to the alcoholism and more. I also have heard it said that alcoholism is disease of attitudes and I know he has a lot of insecurities stemming from childhood. Not only that, his older sisters have basically said that suffered from emotional abuse. My educated guess is that there was alcoholism or "isms" in his family without the alcohol actually flowing.
What experiences do you all have with an alcoholic doing this? I'm just having a hard time because it's lonely (even with 4 kids) since we moved away from family and even though I'm powerless over it, it doesn't make me feel better. I'm sad that our relationship has changed so much and I'm sad that even though we discussed self care and responsibility of taking care of oneself (physical and mental) when we were dating or just married over 18 yrs ago, it's very hard and disheartening to know my AH is not following up on his end. Maybe I just need to vent and I do need a good cry which I'm doing while I write this. Yes, I go to multiple F2F meetings during the week and call into the phone bridge. This all helps. But I guess I don't know how to feel my feelings and move on. Plus, I'm not one to live with another person without interacting with them which is what is happening. AH is super sweet and interactive with the kids but doesn't start any conversation with me. If I ask a question, it's as if I'm interrupting him or imposing on him - while he's sitting watching TV and doing nothing. Yes, it could be manipulation - the dry drunk stuff - but it doesn't make it that much easier.
I think what hurts is that I know he's suffering and still blaming me because I actually dated other people before he and I met. Yes, this is current belief he's holding and what his diseased and mentally ill mind is hanging onto to make him feel horrible about himself and blame me. That at the age of 29 - when I met him - that I had had other romantic, intimate relationships. Yes, one of my fears is that he will continue in life this way - untreated depression - and that doesn't end very well usually. It will just contribute to drinking again (which I'm not as fearful of because I expect it). Aghh!!!
How does this work for others? Am I expecting too much? I just don't know what to expect. I know life wasn't going to go back to what it once was but I don't know how to act. I guess if I didn't know what I know about what he's most likely thinking - I have enough experience with him to know this - I would feel better. Ugh - it just sucks. I've heard and I've read many ESHs that say sobriety can be harder. I guess I want to make sure this is what is meant and that I'm not missing something.
I will continue to work on me because I know I need it. I can easily highlight my many faults and need to face those I haven't been able to identify. I will work on my positive traits also. Of course, some of those good traits I feel have put me in this position of having been in denial and now having moved across the country away from family. This is in addition to the other steps of the program I work daily.
I do give him to God every day. It's not for me to "fix" him. I can try to be a friend to AH but I have been very emotionally hurt that I'm not available that way for him. I'm grateful I'm in program. I guess I just need specific examples of living and moving forward.
Thanks for listening/reading and I appreciate your ESH! (I do know this appears more like rambling or babbling but it's all I can do this morning...)
SerenityRUS said
Feb 5, 2018
Hugs JT,
Good on you for attending meetings as you can. Do you have a sponsor yet? It is important to have that kind of interaction with another person. That will help the loneness because it will break the isolation. It gets you involved and being of service to others is an important factor of recovery.
The other thing I read in your message is that you are not your spouses sponsor .. being a friend, wife, mother are 3 different roles however being his AA sponsor is not one of them. It is not your job or responsibility to stroke him in sobriety. There is a difference between being supportive and being responsible for sobriety. I remember some shares around the tables at sobriety birthdays and one of them that stuck was yup I made it this far, 25 years and I am only focused on one more day of sobriety which is this 24 hours. God willing I will make it another year however today is what I will take.
Whatever he is or isn't doing those ism's will stick around unless they are being addressed through therapy or a program. That's not your responsibility. Yes, sometimes the alcohol is removed and they were a drunk ass .. and now are a sober ass .. lol .. it just is the facts on the matter.
11 days without alcohol is a great start however it's just the beginning of a long journey, and the only thing that is important is this 24 hours for any one person .. whatever is happening is not a guarantee for anyone .. just for today I am doing ok.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Feb 5, 2018
Hey JT - We've had many starts/stops with active disease and recovery in my home. Before recovery, each time, I went through intense emotional chaos and drama. As with you, meetings did help me a bit yet my insanity and obsessing and worry and projecting kept returning during the other hours of each day.
As Serenity mentions, I had to truly work the steps. This is where I was finally able to separate myself from the disease and the diseased. I learned that my emotional state should not be related or based on the actions/attitudes of another. I learned that real love is allowing others around me to live, learn and fail on their own journey. Finally I also learned that life is hard without the disease - it's an absolute unbearable experience with the disease and no program of recovery.
I would recommend that you work on your recovery as best you can. I also agree with Serenity - a sponsor is a better suited confident right now for where you are, what you're feeling, etc. Both you and your guy are trying a different way of living and it's new, confusing, frightening, etc. to both. Yet, the path to real serenity in my experience is I have to let go of what was, and focus on the here and now with a healthy new set of tools and more healthy expectations/attitudes. These are the gifts that working the program gave to me - and are available!! There is always hope and help in recovery.
Letting go of old habits is not easy for anyone. They obsess over the disease and we obsess over them and the disease. I tried everything else under the sun to break my habits and nothing worked until I fully embraced how powerless I was over the disease and all people, places and things. Embracing Al-Anon was the only way I was able to move on and tame my own insanity. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Lyne said
Feb 5, 2018
Welcome JT-I joined Alanon to find a way to fix my A and I learned that I cannot fix her. I also learned that I can only fix myself, which with the help of program I continue to do one day at a time. After about 3 years in program, my spouse stopped drinking. She goes to OA, and really needs AA, but she is making some progress. We also go to an addiction counselor together 2xmonth. I never expected her to stop drinking nor go to counseling with me, but I think the gains I am making caused her to realize that I get stronger everyday. And I do! And if you can just take care of yourself for awhile, you will decide what is best for you. Keep coming back, Lyne
serenity47 said
Feb 5, 2018
For me, I had to remove my expectations of what early recovery was going to look like. Just because the substance was removed, life really didn't improve to quickly. In fact it was pretty rough in the beginning. The alcohol and drug abuse was just a symptom of the problem, and was the solution my daughter used to cope with life. She obsessed about substances and I obsessed about her and her well being. It didn't help either of us. I truly had to learn how to step back from my child and allow her the dignity to figure it out on her own. I have had some surprising discoveries about myself on this journey and I do my best to focus on one day at a time. Looking into the future gets me in trouble every time.
Aline said
Feb 6, 2018
Hey, jt, I want to thank you very much for sharing. Your post has brought back some half-buried feelings and old memories that are very useful to look at - I'd forgotten big parts of it... A part of my past of how my co-dependency developed, I guess it is... I'm gonna make a separate post about it.
AnnieFenk321 said
Feb 11, 2018
I identify with what you wrote. sending hugs (((((jtpickle))))
Hi Everyone -
I could really use some ESH.....here's what is happening that I've alluded to but haven't posted on yet. My AH is on day 11 of using naltrexone to not drink but that's it; he's not in any program and has underlying anxiety (and most likely depression??) which has probably contributed to the alcoholism and more. I also have heard it said that alcoholism is disease of attitudes and I know he has a lot of insecurities stemming from childhood. Not only that, his older sisters have basically said that suffered from emotional abuse. My educated guess is that there was alcoholism or "isms" in his family without the alcohol actually flowing.
What experiences do you all have with an alcoholic doing this? I'm just having a hard time because it's lonely (even with 4 kids) since we moved away from family and even though I'm powerless over it, it doesn't make me feel better. I'm sad that our relationship has changed so much and I'm sad that even though we discussed self care and responsibility of taking care of oneself (physical and mental) when we were dating or just married over 18 yrs ago, it's very hard and disheartening to know my AH is not following up on his end. Maybe I just need to vent and I do need a good cry which I'm doing while I write this. Yes, I go to multiple F2F meetings during the week and call into the phone bridge. This all helps. But I guess I don't know how to feel my feelings and move on. Plus, I'm not one to live with another person without interacting with them which is what is happening. AH is super sweet and interactive with the kids but doesn't start any conversation with me. If I ask a question, it's as if I'm interrupting him or imposing on him - while he's sitting watching TV and doing nothing. Yes, it could be manipulation - the dry drunk stuff - but it doesn't make it that much easier.
I think what hurts is that I know he's suffering and still blaming me because I actually dated other people before he and I met. Yes, this is current belief he's holding and what his diseased and mentally ill mind is hanging onto to make him feel horrible about himself and blame me. That at the age of 29 - when I met him - that I had had other romantic, intimate relationships. Yes, one of my fears is that he will continue in life this way - untreated depression - and that doesn't end very well usually. It will just contribute to drinking again (which I'm not as fearful of because I expect it). Aghh!!!
How does this work for others? Am I expecting too much? I just don't know what to expect. I know life wasn't going to go back to what it once was but I don't know how to act. I guess if I didn't know what I know about what he's most likely thinking - I have enough experience with him to know this - I would feel better. Ugh - it just sucks. I've heard and I've read many ESHs that say sobriety can be harder. I guess I want to make sure this is what is meant and that I'm not missing something.
I will continue to work on me because I know I need it. I can easily highlight my many faults and need to face those I haven't been able to identify. I will work on my positive traits also. Of course, some of those good traits I feel have put me in this position of having been in denial and now having moved across the country away from family. This is in addition to the other steps of the program I work daily.
I do give him to God every day. It's not for me to "fix" him. I can try to be a friend to AH but I have been very emotionally hurt that I'm not available that way for him. I'm grateful I'm in program. I guess I just need specific examples of living and moving forward.
Thanks for listening/reading and I appreciate your ESH! (I do know this appears more like rambling or babbling but it's all I can do this morning...)
Good on you for attending meetings as you can. Do you have a sponsor yet? It is important to have that kind of interaction with another person. That will help the loneness because it will break the isolation. It gets you involved and being of service to others is an important factor of recovery.
The other thing I read in your message is that you are not your spouses sponsor .. being a friend, wife, mother are 3 different roles however being his AA sponsor is not one of them. It is not your job or responsibility to stroke him in sobriety. There is a difference between being supportive and being responsible for sobriety. I remember some shares around the tables at sobriety birthdays and one of them that stuck was yup I made it this far, 25 years and I am only focused on one more day of sobriety which is this 24 hours. God willing I will make it another year however today is what I will take.
Whatever he is or isn't doing those ism's will stick around unless they are being addressed through therapy or a program. That's not your responsibility. Yes, sometimes the alcohol is removed and they were a drunk ass .. and now are a sober ass .. lol .. it just is the facts on the matter.
11 days without alcohol is a great start however it's just the beginning of a long journey, and the only thing that is important is this 24 hours for any one person .. whatever is happening is not a guarantee for anyone .. just for today I am doing ok.
Hugs S :)
As Serenity mentions, I had to truly work the steps. This is where I was finally able to separate myself from the disease and the diseased. I learned that my emotional state should not be related or based on the actions/attitudes of another. I learned that real love is allowing others around me to live, learn and fail on their own journey. Finally I also learned that life is hard without the disease - it's an absolute unbearable experience with the disease and no program of recovery.
I would recommend that you work on your recovery as best you can. I also agree with Serenity - a sponsor is a better suited confident right now for where you are, what you're feeling, etc. Both you and your guy are trying a different way of living and it's new, confusing, frightening, etc. to both. Yet, the path to real serenity in my experience is I have to let go of what was, and focus on the here and now with a healthy new set of tools and more healthy expectations/attitudes. These are the gifts that working the program gave to me - and are available!! There is always hope and help in recovery.
Letting go of old habits is not easy for anyone. They obsess over the disease and we obsess over them and the disease. I tried everything else under the sun to break my habits and nothing worked until I fully embraced how powerless I was over the disease and all people, places and things. Embracing Al-Anon was the only way I was able to move on and tame my own insanity. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!