So went to meeting today--but need more. Today I know is hard for many of us. It is so sad to think that a playoff game can be such a trigger for so many. Unfortunately trigger to me as I can just feel myself getting anxious waiting for game to start. So we are supposed to do what we want regardless of the alcoholic right. So since my husband is not going to a party and is watching the game at home with the kids and my brother--I want to be here to see the game. And I know to not be unrealistic--my husband will drink. He has been so good lately with one drinking on weekends and cutting back a lot. I just am so anxious right now. Thought I would be ok--but I can feel my chest so tight right now and almost hard to breathe. I actually just took a little anxiety med. So why don't I just leave--I kind of want to be in my own homebody and watch game with family. My plan is that if the drinking bothers me then I'll leave. So trying to be ok with moderation? Will I ever be ok with less vs none? I don't know.
Someone else in meeting today said kind of same thing about moderation. Her person asked how much would be the limit she would tolerate. For me its the same. Ands its hard. For me the hard thing is the behavior.One the behavior is mean/teasing--I'm done need to leave room/situation. But like the last couple nights I have had evening events and have come home and can tell he has been drinking--eyes red, rate of speech, then goes to bed right away. And in trying to make sure I am not mistaken I go around looking for evidence. He is hiding things by now rinsing out the glasses he uses--but it still has smell in glass. Now grant it I should be happy that he is being more considerate because he knows I hate the smell--but to me its the issue of he's still drinking and hiding it. So I am having a hard time with what is the main issue and what a will take. I know that the main is the behavior--so why am I so anxious if he drinks any. Am I not being fair to him. If he drinks 2 drinks and is not mean I should be OK right??? How do I get rid of this anxiety and waiting for the other shoe to drop? It;s not fair to him right?
So I had a talk with a good older friend today. She was suggesting that I have not been treating my AH like an adult--that "checking" to see if he is drinking is treating him like a child/parenting and has not real purpose. I do get that. She suggested that I praise him for what he is doing well--say thanks for helping out more around house, thanks for being quieter, acknowledge how he has cut back. And while I want to do this--I feel like if I say thanks for cutting back--to him it will be received as I am ok with him still drinking or drinking 2 beers. So I tend not to say anything. Is that wrong? I still don't always say when I go to a meeting and lie about where I am going --fear of him being upset and thinking I'm being "two faced" if I say he's doing good and still go to meetings or feel like it is throwing it in his face by saying I'm going to a meeting. People have said that I should just be simple and honest "going to a meeting" just like saying going to the store and not really care about how he takes it. If he gets upset or feels uneasy that is his issue. That is easier said than done.
Tips, suggestions, thoughts?
Freetime said
Feb 4, 2018
I like what your friend advised. I think the acknowledging, praising what he is doing well, is helpful. In my experience, though, I would leave out any comments about the drinking. My AH was able to change certain behaviors -- loud music, acting belligerent -- when those were pointed out to him. He wanted to be a good guy, and not alienate people. But the drinking was a different story, I believe. Because it is a disease, it was harder for him to change that, even if he wanted to, and of course the disease told him he didn't want to. He didn't listen to doctors, so why would he listen to me?
When I first started Al-Anon, I honestly was doing it "at him" and "because of him." My underlying thought was, "See what you made me have to do? You made me have to go to this support group ... and meet all these nice people ... it's all your fault!" Of course I didn't say that, just said I was going to an Alanon meeting. In my case, he had no reaction. It took me a while to realize that I really was doing Al-Anon for me. So my suggestion would be to be gentle with yourself. In time, with practice, "going to a meeting" can become like "going to the store" or -- even better -- like "going to get a massage and a pedicure." Just something I'm doing for me.
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 4th of February 2018 05:54:43 PM
Iamhere said
Feb 4, 2018
Al-Anon gives us so many tools to detach and to live our true life. Using all the tools has given me a different outlook and attitude. As we never know what tomorrow will bring, I am one to make sure I point out what's right, working well and/or what I am grateful for. What another does with my words is not within my control.
I admit I am one who was very consistent about pointing out all 'they' did wrong before recovery. I was always negative, always worried and always anxious and did voice this as if it was the fault of another. It's just not my reality. The reality is the disease is what causes me to distort reality, project negatively and assume worst case scenario.
We are powerless over other people, places and things. If his better behavior is for the wrong reasons, it most likely won't last. So - I speak my truth, just for today and let tomorrow unfold when it arrives.
I will say that I always have a plan B when I have plans with my qualifiers. This helps me shift gears and not be disappointed if things change. Breathe and be gentle with you.....
Jill said
Feb 4, 2018
My experience is similar to Iamhere's. I am powerless over everything but me.
The alcoholics around me drank regardless of my behavior, my words, my attitude. I did not enter into whether they drank.
It was not that I failed to pick the right words to tell them why they shouldn't do that, what their behavior was, what people's reactions to their drinking, etc.
They drank because they have a disease that is not (yet) in recovery. It is not my doing.
Once that finally sank in, I have re-directed my attention to me. I cannot change them. They can.
I can change me.
Knowing I can't do for them has made me less anxious. I can enjoy more. I have work to do. Work on me.
el-cee said
Feb 5, 2018
Before i joined alanon i also tgpughy moderation was the answer. If only he could control his drinking and drink only what i judged reasonable abd when i thought he should. Then i would get anxious around sports events, xmas, birthdays every weekend. All triggers.
Then i got alanon and i learned about the nature of thr disease. The compulsion in him to drink and the compulsion in me to control. The family disease. Moderation was never going to work for the alcoholics in my life and aa us abouy abstinence. Moderation is denial in him in you. Look in your books. Reqd as much alanon you can on whar the disease is abd the effects on the family.
SerenityRUS said
Feb 5, 2018
I'm going to echo what others have shared ..
I remember hearing in an open AA meeting .. one is to many and 100 is not enough. I think for me at least that summarizes the disease .. it tells someone that they can have just one more .. they can cut back .. they can do it without help from a power greater than themselves. The word moderation doesn't apply to addicts .. at it's truest sense of the meaning. There is no such animal. A moderate alcoholic is like saying alcoholics are functional .. they may have moments of lucidity the reality is at any moment and time if they walk down the road to drink .. they take a drink and then the drink takes them. Honestly it's neither here nor there in terms of me.
My ego tells me all kinds of lies to give me a sense of self importance the reality is I can do a lot on my own .. it is far better to share a journey and remain teachable. So that's why I have to keep coming back to the program to remind myself I am powerless over other people, places, things and even the weather .. unless you are talking to my mother .. she will have you convinced that I control the weather .. lol.
The other thing is me outwitting or pleasing the A will never be enough .. there will never be enough sex, a clean enough house, the kids acting "right" enough, enough "fill in the blank". It comes down to someone else's alcoholism/addiction is not about me. It is squarely there stuff to deal with .. the only power I have is what these other folks have echoed .. if you take your finger and place it on your head .. that's what you have power over .. that's it .. how do I choose to behave and live my life.
Keep coming back .. I know it's not what you want to hear .. however that is the reality of life. You aren't going to make the tides change or people be who you think they should be.
Hugs S :)
Tude said
Feb 5, 2018
For myself, when I recognized I was the one with the problem, that is the one area I could do something about. It is oh so worth it. It doesn't mean everything is perfect, but it sure beats the way I was when I got in Alanon! My "thinking" can relapse very easily. It takes some time to learn to keep doing my part and working on me.
I did great, thanks to this program when my H came home wasted last night......then got thrown for a loop when the other A in my life popped by today.......I now know to run to these rooms, forums, meetings and do the next right thing. This program and all in it are life savers! I found the answer to my response to the AF pretty quickly. Progress not perfection......
I want to be the wife, friend, daughter and so forth of the A's in my life.......but not their mom. I like what your friend shared with you. Being in the position of "mom" with an alcoholic has pretty much the same results as with a teen........sooner or later they usually rebel......
Keep coming back. Hugs!
DavidG said
Feb 5, 2018
Dancer66 wrote:
Tips, suggestions, thoughts?
Keep it simple...???
I am an old timer now... and how time has flown... ...
Look... reading your header here... reaching out... first aid for me- is a few deep breaths. Pause. ...
So went to meeting today--but need more. Today I know is hard for many of us. It is so sad to think that a playoff game can be such a trigger for so many. Unfortunately trigger to me as I can just feel myself getting anxious waiting for game to start. So we are supposed to do what we want regardless of the alcoholic right. So since my husband is not going to a party and is watching the game at home with the kids and my brother--I want to be here to see the game. And I know to not be unrealistic--my husband will drink. He has been so good lately with one drinking on weekends and cutting back a lot. I just am so anxious right now. Thought I would be ok--but I can feel my chest so tight right now and almost hard to breathe. I actually just took a little anxiety med. So why don't I just leave--I kind of want to be in my own homebody and watch game with family. My plan is that if the drinking bothers me then I'll leave. So trying to be ok with moderation? Will I ever be ok with less vs none? I don't know.
Someone else in meeting today said kind of same thing about moderation. Her person asked how much would be the limit she would tolerate. For me its the same. Ands its hard. For me the hard thing is the behavior.One the behavior is mean/teasing--I'm done need to leave room/situation. But like the last couple nights I have had evening events and have come home and can tell he has been drinking--eyes red, rate of speech, then goes to bed right away. And in trying to make sure I am not mistaken I go around looking for evidence. He is hiding things by now rinsing out the glasses he uses--but it still has smell in glass. Now grant it I should be happy that he is being more considerate because he knows I hate the smell--but to me its the issue of he's still drinking and hiding it. So I am having a hard time with what is the main issue and what a will take. I know that the main is the behavior--so why am I so anxious if he drinks any. Am I not being fair to him. If he drinks 2 drinks and is not mean I should be OK right??? How do I get rid of this anxiety and waiting for the other shoe to drop? It;s not fair to him right?
So I had a talk with a good older friend today. She was suggesting that I have not been treating my AH like an adult--that "checking" to see if he is drinking is treating him like a child/parenting and has not real purpose. I do get that. She suggested that I praise him for what he is doing well--say thanks for helping out more around house, thanks for being quieter, acknowledge how he has cut back. And while I want to do this--I feel like if I say thanks for cutting back--to him it will be received as I am ok with him still drinking or drinking 2 beers. So I tend not to say anything. Is that wrong? I still don't always say when I go to a meeting and lie about where I am going --fear of him being upset and thinking I'm being "two faced" if I say he's doing good and still go to meetings or feel like it is throwing it in his face by saying I'm going to a meeting. People have said that I should just be simple and honest "going to a meeting" just like saying going to the store and not really care about how he takes it. If he gets upset or feels uneasy that is his issue. That is easier said than done.
Tips, suggestions, thoughts?
I like what your friend advised. I think the acknowledging, praising what he is doing well, is helpful. In my experience, though, I would leave out any comments about the drinking. My AH was able to change certain behaviors -- loud music, acting belligerent -- when those were pointed out to him. He wanted to be a good guy, and not alienate people. But the drinking was a different story, I believe. Because it is a disease, it was harder for him to change that, even if he wanted to, and of course the disease told him he didn't want to. He didn't listen to doctors, so why would he listen to me?
When I first started Al-Anon, I honestly was doing it "at him" and "because of him." My underlying thought was, "See what you made me have to do? You made me have to go to this support group ... and meet all these nice people ... it's all your fault!" Of course I didn't say that, just said I was going to an Alanon meeting. In my case, he had no reaction. It took me a while to realize that I really was doing Al-Anon for me. So my suggestion would be to be gentle with yourself. In time, with practice, "going to a meeting" can become like "going to the store" or -- even better -- like "going to get a massage and a pedicure." Just something I'm doing for me.
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 4th of February 2018 05:54:43 PM
I admit I am one who was very consistent about pointing out all 'they' did wrong before recovery. I was always negative, always worried and always anxious and did voice this as if it was the fault of another. It's just not my reality. The reality is the disease is what causes me to distort reality, project negatively and assume worst case scenario.
We are powerless over other people, places and things. If his better behavior is for the wrong reasons, it most likely won't last. So - I speak my truth, just for today and let tomorrow unfold when it arrives.
I will say that I always have a plan B when I have plans with my qualifiers. This helps me shift gears and not be disappointed if things change. Breathe and be gentle with you.....
The alcoholics around me drank regardless of my behavior, my words, my attitude. I did not enter into whether they drank.
It was not that I failed to pick the right words to tell them why they shouldn't do that, what their behavior was, what people's reactions to their drinking, etc.
They drank because they have a disease that is not (yet) in recovery. It is not my doing.
Once that finally sank in, I have re-directed my attention to me. I cannot change them. They can.
I can change me.
Knowing I can't do for them has made me less anxious. I can enjoy more. I have work to do. Work on me.
I remember hearing in an open AA meeting .. one is to many and 100 is not enough. I think for me at least that summarizes the disease .. it tells someone that they can have just one more .. they can cut back .. they can do it without help from a power greater than themselves. The word moderation doesn't apply to addicts .. at it's truest sense of the meaning. There is no such animal. A moderate alcoholic is like saying alcoholics are functional .. they may have moments of lucidity the reality is at any moment and time if they walk down the road to drink .. they take a drink and then the drink takes them. Honestly it's neither here nor there in terms of me.
My ego tells me all kinds of lies to give me a sense of self importance the reality is I can do a lot on my own .. it is far better to share a journey and remain teachable. So that's why I have to keep coming back to the program to remind myself I am powerless over other people, places, things and even the weather .. unless you are talking to my mother .. she will have you convinced that I control the weather .. lol.
The other thing is me outwitting or pleasing the A will never be enough .. there will never be enough sex, a clean enough house, the kids acting "right" enough, enough "fill in the blank". It comes down to someone else's alcoholism/addiction is not about me. It is squarely there stuff to deal with .. the only power I have is what these other folks have echoed .. if you take your finger and place it on your head .. that's what you have power over .. that's it .. how do I choose to behave and live my life.
Keep coming back .. I know it's not what you want to hear .. however that is the reality of life. You aren't going to make the tides change or people be who you think they should be.
Hugs S :)
I did great, thanks to this program when my H came home wasted last night......then got thrown for a loop when the other A in my life popped by today.......I now know to run to these rooms, forums, meetings and do the next right thing. This program and all in it are life savers! I found the answer to my response to the AF pretty quickly. Progress not perfection......
I want to be the wife, friend, daughter and so forth of the A's in my life.......but not their mom. I like what your friend shared with you. Being in the position of "mom" with an alcoholic has pretty much the same results as with a teen........sooner or later they usually rebel......
Keep coming back. Hugs!
Keep it simple...???
I am an old timer now... and how time has flown...
...
Look... reading your header here... reaching out... first aid for me- is a few deep breaths. Pause.
...