Middle ground between enabling and giving an ultimatum
Smp said
Feb 3, 2018
I am new here, and I havent even gone to a live meeting yet, so please bear with me. My AW is current,y going to meetings, but this tends to last between 1 to 2 weeks before she slides into a binge. I dont know how to handle these constant back and forths. As of now I know I enable her because I dont try and stop her and I tell her its okay in the morning because I know its a disease that is tough to beat, and I know she doesnt do it to hurt me. I recognize that Im not really in the equation. i keep hoping she will find her own bottom, but Im running low on hope. Should I be more aggressive and tell her that if she orders a drink or comes home with a bottle of wine that....
I dont even know what my threat would be. I love her, and I dont want to leave her, but I dont know what other leverage I have. Moreover, Im not sure it would change her behavior. Im not ready to follow through on that type of threat.
Any advice would be appreciated.
SerenityRUS said
Feb 3, 2018
Welcome and big hugs .. I really hope you will find a meeting sooner than later it makes a huge different. I qualify my relationship with my ex my control issues were overt his were covert. I thought I could bargain with the disease. The disease wants what it wants and that is to drink. So the disease tells me what I wanted to hear .. my insanity was wanting to believe what the disease said and my ex was watching what I did. And that's where our dance of dysfunction was at the time .. alanon taught me to let go or be dragged .. it has taught me my own self care is so important .. regardless of what my current qualifier was doing or not doing. It has reminded me to mean what I say say what I mean and don't say it mean .. still working on that last part .. I get annoyed easily lol. I found the gift of laughter again. I remembered I matter. It is recommended no major changes for the first 6 months at least because you may find instead of seeing no choices out 8 only 2 choices you may have more. And when I stopped doing the dysfunctional dance .. it was very clear to me I was not perfect however I was able to see the situation much clearer than before. Do keep coming back it really does get better. Hugs. S :)
MeTwo2 said
Feb 3, 2018
I find alanon face to face meets a better place to try to 'reason with others .. I used to literally try to reason with my alcoholic / addict and found myself becoming even 'more irritable & unreasonable without always knowing it .. I find the meeting members and fellowship to be filled with others who are a little more 'reasonable (mentally emotionally spiritually 'sober ?) ..
boundaries are for us .. they can change at any time and are flexible .. (no one needs to even know them) .. any time i tell another if they do this or that i realize today it is another hidden attempt to control change or cure another .. (wrong motive as well as focus) .. would suggest to keep coming back and sharing .. (admitting what's real is step 1) .. i hope you do make those meetings .. no advice merely experience which may or may not bring another strength & hope .. Once attending meetings it is recommended to find a sponsor for one on one time .. this can help ..
lord knows it isn't easy living with an alcoholic .. we read in face to face meetings all the time .. living with (i say now loving too) an alcoholic, without spiritual help and the alanon fellowship, is too much for most of us (alone) ..
we don't usually give advice in alanon but a share of experience ? yes always welcomed by myself as well ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 3rd of February 2018 10:47:11 PM
hotrod said
Feb 3, 2018
WelcoomeSMP Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Here i was given new tools to live by and powerful information that explained the fact that alcoholism was a dreadful disease over which i was powerless
There is hope please do keep coming back
el-cee said
Feb 4, 2018
Welcome. At my first meeting the important thing I got was hope. I remember I had, like you, lost hope which in hindsight I can see allowed me to surrender myself to the suggestions made to me. I was open and could really take in what I heard and what I saw. I got hope from the first meeting and I knew I belonged.
Smp said
Feb 4, 2018
Thank you for response and advice. Ive found a meeting to go to tomorrow. Two other things Im struggling with that I am sure dont help are:
1. I am able to have 2 to 3 beers when watching a game or while at band practice and stop, but should I be abstaining even when I am not around her?
2. How do I handle requests to get a bottle of wine at the store? I could say no, but shell just get it anyway and prompt an argument or do I get it because its inevitable and accept her poor choice?
Iamhere said
Feb 4, 2018
Welcome Smp - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too recommend meetings and program to help you best. As far as your questions - each family/situation is different so there is no right/wrong answer. I learned in Al-Anon how to set boundaries for me/my sanity as well as how to detach. I do not buy alcohol for anyone at any time as I am also a recovering alcoholic. I also have a dry home so no alcohol or other is allowed.
I too found hope in Al-Anon. I discovered that most of my waking moments were spent worrying, wondering, watching, waiting for what the alcoholic was doing or would do. Al-Anon gave me back my own sanity, self-worth and sanity and reminded me that I matter too. Nobody is going to take care of me except my higher power and self, so I really needed to focus on myself.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!
bud said
Feb 4, 2018
Welcome and you're in the right place. Rationalizing, reasoning, and ultimatums rarely work. What does work is establishing healthy boundaries and skills. Keep coming back, go to face to face meetings, and work the steps with a sponsor. There is hope!
I am new here, and I havent even gone to a live meeting yet, so please bear with me. My AW is current,y going to meetings, but this tends to last between 1 to 2 weeks before she slides into a binge. I dont know how to handle these constant back and forths. As of now I know I enable her because I dont try and stop her and I tell her its okay in the morning because I know its a disease that is tough to beat, and I know she doesnt do it to hurt me. I recognize that Im not really in the equation. i keep hoping she will find her own bottom, but Im running low on hope. Should I be more aggressive and tell her that if she orders a drink or comes home with a bottle of wine that....
I dont even know what my threat would be. I love her, and I dont want to leave her, but I dont know what other leverage I have. Moreover, Im not sure it would change her behavior. Im not ready to follow through on that type of threat.
Any advice would be appreciated.
I find alanon face to face meets a better place to try to 'reason with others .. I used to literally try to reason with my alcoholic / addict and found myself becoming even 'more irritable & unreasonable without always knowing it .. I find the meeting members and fellowship to be filled with others who are a little more 'reasonable (mentally emotionally spiritually 'sober ?) ..
boundaries are for us .. they can change at any time and are flexible .. (no one needs to even know them) .. any time i tell another if they do this or that i realize today it is another hidden attempt to control change or cure another .. (wrong motive as well as focus) .. would suggest to keep coming back and sharing .. (admitting what's real is step 1) .. i hope you do make those meetings .. no advice merely experience which may or may not bring another strength & hope .. Once attending meetings it is recommended to find a sponsor for one on one time .. this can help ..
lord knows it isn't easy living with an alcoholic .. we read in face to face meetings all the time .. living with (i say now loving too) an alcoholic, without spiritual help and the alanon fellowship, is too much for most of us (alone) ..
we don't usually give advice in alanon but a share of experience ? yes always welcomed by myself as well ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 3rd of February 2018 10:47:11 PM
There is hope please do keep coming back
1. I am able to have 2 to 3 beers when watching a game or while at band practice and stop, but should I be abstaining even when I am not around her?
2. How do I handle requests to get a bottle of wine at the store? I could say no, but shell just get it anyway and prompt an argument or do I get it because its inevitable and accept her poor choice?
I too found hope in Al-Anon. I discovered that most of my waking moments were spent worrying, wondering, watching, waiting for what the alcoholic was doing or would do. Al-Anon gave me back my own sanity, self-worth and sanity and reminded me that I matter too. Nobody is going to take care of me except my higher power and self, so I really needed to focus on myself.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!