I have been married 18 years to the most beautiful, genuine, compassionate girl I have ever met. She is my best friend, my true soul mate. I was convinced the loss of my father was in order to bring her and I together. Together we have three beautiful kids who are all going to go on to do great things in theirs lives. Anyways, my wife has a tough back story, grew up the child of an alcoholic father, sexually molested by her babysitter when she was 7 (several occassions), and had a real pot habit. All and all though we have had a pretty good life together. One many have been jealous of. She has been attending AA for almost a year now (2/18). She has been making great strides in becoming a better person. Recently I noticed she seemed to be distant from me. I would call her out on it and her response was the typical hollow sounding, no sincerity "I'm sorry you feel this way". Well this past Monday evening, she out of no where told me she is no longer in love with me, and doesn't see how our marriage could work with me and that she wanted a divorce. She has even already removed her rings. Needless to say I was devastated and heart broken. This was from someone who used to tell me she didn't believe in divorce. And what about the kids... How could she possibly want to tear this family apart. She tells me that she needs her space and that she needs to work on herself for a while. That I am an emotional roller coaster that she needs to get off of. After talking what little we have been able to she did tell me that she needs to get through her steps and then she will see if she still feels the same way. Her sponsors sponsor went through the same thing divorcing early then regretting it. Currently she is on step 4. Something she has been on for a while. What I am wondering is this behavior somewhat normal? Do people in the program tend to shed the ones closest to them before coming back around later? Also how come I cant find anything out there that talks about the 12 steps and what they are? I was trying to get a better understanding of what this step 4 is
Aline said
Feb 2, 2018
Hi, Ohana, welcome to MIP. I'm sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in... You are in the right place. Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics, whether active or recovering, it doesn't matter. People around alcoholics get impacted by the disease of alcoholism in very many ways, that's why we have this program, so we ourselves can get healthy again. Al-Anon is a 12 step program, just as AA and a number of others. I'm not sure why you can't find anything on this... Here is a link to the 12 steps of Al-Anon: al-anon.org/the-legacies/the-twelve-steps/ They're almost identical to the AA 12 steps, because Al-Anon program adapted them from AA.
I don't have any experience to share regarding recovering alcoholics, as the main ones in my life are all active in their disease. I send you positive thoughts... Keep coming back here to read and share, there's lots and lots of good stuff to learn. I also encourage you to try face to face Al-Anon meetings if there are any in your area... I was reluctant to attend at first, but it turned out to be a blessing for me in many, many ways.
Jerry F said
Feb 2, 2018
Bill I came to a screeching halt when I saw your sign in "Ohana" and had to investigate. I am glad you are with us and in the program Ohana, Miracles in progress. This is truly an Ohana, Family.
The thoughts, feelings and behaviors you just experienced from a sick alcoholic do throw us all off. I went thru it on both sides, as the giver and the receiver. Ours is a horrendous disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and can and will drive us and others insane. If you get to reading the steps of our program you will see that the last statement of the second step is "restore us to sanity"...a continuous and orderly process of thought.
Are you in the program? Do you know the steps? Have you worked the steps? How much do you know about this disease and how much do you know that it puts the responsibility for the insanity upon the backs and shoulders of others mostly those most closest to the alcoholic/addict.
If you have little experience with the program I suggest you find and attend an Al-Anon family groups meeting in your area and start to attend as early as possible. To some it is suggested that they attend 6 meetings before making any life changing decisions and to others like myself it was suggested that I attend 90 meetings before doing that same thing...I got in 102 and eventually got my life and sanity back.
I know what you are going thru and it is sad and sickening yet having said that I have the experience of over half of my life in this program...I wish I had been born in it.
Ohana in my culture means "Family" and you still have one hang with it as you start to hang with this new one. I will speak with my Akua (Creater Father/Higher Power) to remain at your side as it does with us. Keep coming back...Prayers for your Ohana and your wahine (wife). (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 2nd of February 2018 02:24:08 PM
Iamhere said
Feb 2, 2018
Welcome to MIP Ohana - so glad you found us and so glad you joined right in. I am also a double winner, which means recovery in AA and Al-Anon both. I got sober first a long time ago, and then found Al-Anon as a result of the disease affecting me through my husband and my sons.
I am so sorry that she's pulling away. It may be difficult to understand this but it most likely has nothing to do with you or anything you are doing. It may have everything to do with her, where she's at, where she's been and what needs to come next for her own recovery. Recovery is a framework for a better, more healthy way of dealing with life and all that comes with it. It is an individual journey that each must do in their chosen time-frame and using the tools available. There is no perfection in life, recovery - just progress.
It must be terribly confusing for you and I am sorry for your pain. I too recommend you seek out and attend local Al-Anon meetings for you. It is hard to understand how the disease affects us, the friends and family, but it does. We end up with distorted thinking, unrealistic expectations, resentments, anger, anxiety and much more by living with the disease or loving another who has it. Denial is a huge component of this disease - the A doesn't believe they have an issue and we can see it plain as day. In the eyes of the A, we are nitpicking, hovering, controlling and insane and we don't see it. Denial is huge.
All I know is that for all that I've gone through - the pain, worry, anger, anxiety, resentments, sadness, etc. the only path to a peaceful existence for me has been 12 Step recovery. It got me sober and has kept me sober from the direct disease and it got me saner and stronger from the disease in others.
If you look to the top right, you can see the 12 Step Board that we have here. You can click through and read the steps as well as what members have shared. If you want to participate and post, you'll need to join that board as it's separate from this one. You can use the same name as here or you can pick a new name. We try to work this program putting ourselves first - kind of like on an airplane, they suggest you place the oxygen mask on you first then attend to those around you.
You are not alone - keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Tude said
Feb 2, 2018
(((Ohana))) I am also a double winner. Alcoholism effects every single person involved with the alcoholic......it is sneaky. It doesn't matter if the alcoholic is drinking or not. I haven't been back in Alanon very long at all. What got me here was horrific fear, anger, pain, pain of rejection, and basically every other emotion that is negative. The alcoholic in my life wasn't drinking, relapsed and yet I thought I was doing everything right in "my way of helping......" I was only making matters worse without even knowing it!
When she had a relapse I hit my alanon bottom so to speak. I came in here so full of fear and anger it was all consuming.....I worked the steps, got a sponsor and LOVE this fellowship. All is not perfect, I am still learning but I can honestly say life is good regardless of what the alcoholics in my life my are doing. I could not say that several weeks ago.
I hope you keep coming back!
bud said
Feb 2, 2018
Welcome - you've received great support and I'll echo that I'm so sorry you have this horribly confusing and painful situation. You're in the right place.
It was my continuing to come to Alanon meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, and learning as much as I could about the disease that gave me better perspectives, skills, and slowly, slowly improve my relationship with others.
From my experience, people do tend to push away/ take their anger out on the one's they love the most because they know it's safe. However, each situation is unique - working the steps will help give a framework to keep doing the next right thing.
I have been married 18 years to the most beautiful, genuine, compassionate girl I have ever met. She is my best friend, my true soul mate. I was convinced the loss of my father was in order to bring her and I together. Together we have three beautiful kids who are all going to go on to do great things in theirs lives. Anyways, my wife has a tough back story, grew up the child of an alcoholic father, sexually molested by her babysitter when she was 7 (several occassions), and had a real pot habit. All and all though we have had a pretty good life together. One many have been jealous of. She has been attending AA for almost a year now (2/18). She has been making great strides in becoming a better person. Recently I noticed she seemed to be distant from me. I would call her out on it and her response was the typical hollow sounding, no sincerity "I'm sorry you feel this way". Well this past Monday evening, she out of no where told me she is no longer in love with me, and doesn't see how our marriage could work with me and that she wanted a divorce. She has even already removed her rings. Needless to say I was devastated and heart broken. This was from someone who used to tell me she didn't believe in divorce. And what about the kids... How could she possibly want to tear this family apart. She tells me that she needs her space and that she needs to work on herself for a while. That I am an emotional roller coaster that she needs to get off of. After talking what little we have been able to she did tell me that she needs to get through her steps and then she will see if she still feels the same way. Her sponsors sponsor went through the same thing divorcing early then regretting it. Currently she is on step 4. Something she has been on for a while. What I am wondering is this behavior somewhat normal? Do people in the program tend to shed the ones closest to them before coming back around later? Also how come I cant find anything out there that talks about the 12 steps and what they are? I was trying to get a better understanding of what this step 4 is
I don't have any experience to share regarding recovering alcoholics, as the main ones in my life are all active in their disease. I send you positive thoughts... Keep coming back here to read and share, there's lots and lots of good stuff to learn. I also encourage you to try face to face Al-Anon meetings if there are any in your area... I was reluctant to attend at first, but it turned out to be a blessing for me in many, many ways.
Bill I came to a screeching halt when I saw your sign in "Ohana" and had to investigate. I am glad you are with us and in the program Ohana, Miracles in progress. This is truly an Ohana, Family.
The thoughts, feelings and behaviors you just experienced from a sick alcoholic do throw us all off. I went thru it on both sides, as the giver and the receiver. Ours is a horrendous disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and can and will drive us and others insane. If you get to reading the steps of our program you will see that the last statement of the second step is "restore us to sanity"...a continuous and orderly process of thought.
Are you in the program? Do you know the steps? Have you worked the steps? How much do you know about this disease and how much do you know that it puts the responsibility for the insanity upon the backs and shoulders of others mostly those most closest to the alcoholic/addict.
If you have little experience with the program I suggest you find and attend an Al-Anon family groups meeting in your area and start to attend as early as possible. To some it is suggested that they attend 6 meetings before making any life changing decisions and to others like myself it was suggested that I attend 90 meetings before doing that same thing...I got in 102 and eventually got my life and sanity back.
I know what you are going thru and it is sad and sickening yet having said that I have the experience of over half of my life in this program...I wish I had been born in it.
Ohana in my culture means "Family" and you still have one hang with it as you start to hang with this new one. I will speak with my Akua (Creater Father/Higher Power) to remain at your side as it does with us. Keep coming back...Prayers for your Ohana and your wahine (wife). (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 2nd of February 2018 02:24:08 PM
I am so sorry that she's pulling away. It may be difficult to understand this but it most likely has nothing to do with you or anything you are doing. It may have everything to do with her, where she's at, where she's been and what needs to come next for her own recovery. Recovery is a framework for a better, more healthy way of dealing with life and all that comes with it. It is an individual journey that each must do in their chosen time-frame and using the tools available. There is no perfection in life, recovery - just progress.
It must be terribly confusing for you and I am sorry for your pain. I too recommend you seek out and attend local Al-Anon meetings for you. It is hard to understand how the disease affects us, the friends and family, but it does. We end up with distorted thinking, unrealistic expectations, resentments, anger, anxiety and much more by living with the disease or loving another who has it. Denial is a huge component of this disease - the A doesn't believe they have an issue and we can see it plain as day. In the eyes of the A, we are nitpicking, hovering, controlling and insane and we don't see it. Denial is huge.
All I know is that for all that I've gone through - the pain, worry, anger, anxiety, resentments, sadness, etc. the only path to a peaceful existence for me has been 12 Step recovery. It got me sober and has kept me sober from the direct disease and it got me saner and stronger from the disease in others.
If you look to the top right, you can see the 12 Step Board that we have here. You can click through and read the steps as well as what members have shared. If you want to participate and post, you'll need to join that board as it's separate from this one. You can use the same name as here or you can pick a new name. We try to work this program putting ourselves first - kind of like on an airplane, they suggest you place the oxygen mask on you first then attend to those around you.
You are not alone - keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
When she had a relapse I hit my alanon bottom so to speak. I came in here so full of fear and anger it was all consuming.....I worked the steps, got a sponsor and LOVE this fellowship. All is not perfect, I am still learning but I can honestly say life is good regardless of what the alcoholics in my life my are doing. I could not say that several weeks ago.
I hope you keep coming back!
It was my continuing to come to Alanon meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, and learning as much as I could about the disease that gave me better perspectives, skills, and slowly, slowly improve my relationship with others.
From my experience, people do tend to push away/ take their anger out on the one's they love the most because they know it's safe. However, each situation is unique - working the steps will help give a framework to keep doing the next right thing.
Keep coming back - Alanon works!