I was reading the C2C post for today (Feb. 2) and had the wake up call of one of the many things I do in my relationships with the As in my family. In my efforts to always have a cheery, comforting, welcoming home, and to make everybody happy all the time, no matter the cost to myself, Im ALWAYS running around being Happy, Happy, Happy! (I have stuffed my feelings for my entire lifetime so as I wouldnt be a burden to anyone. So, this behavior comes naturally to me from my upbringing and not something new that I do with the As in my life). For the most part, my true self is a bubbly personality as many people who know me have always remarked. When 2 RAs entered my life 3 years ago, and what I thought was my help to help them in sobriety I have been controlling the atmosphere all around them to the best of my ability so there was no additional tension put into their lives at the costs of me or my family. The RAs that Im specifically speaking about are now my husband (nearing 18 years of sobriety) and my step-AD (nearing 1 year of sobriety - in 3 weeks). My absolute purest intention all along was to be of help in their sobriety. But, as I have come into Al-Anon this past month and have begun working this program for myself, Im beginning to see that my trying to control the atmosphere around them in our home, and the people, places, and things that come from my side of the family is probably what has been causing a great deal of my inner turmoil - because Im not allowing ANYONE to just Live, and Let Live, as they say. Ive been too busy spending a TON of time and energy worrying and fussing over making things comfortable for everyone, and always making sure everyone was Happy, Happy, Happy!!
Here I have been silently judging the RAs in my life because they always are going around getting involved in the trauma and drama, and having to fix everyone else when Ive been doing the EXACT thing all along which I have been accusing them of. How crazy is that?!!! WOW!!!
Thank you for that post this morning and for helping me to shed some light on my actions. This has been a HUGE wake-up call this morning and I already feel like I can breathe a bit easier today. Live, and Let Live! I will be taking this lesson to heart and truly start minding my own business!!
Blessings everyone!
hotrod said
Feb 2, 2018
Good Morning PeacefulLove What a powerful awareness Thank you for sharing it us. I do believe that I too had that tendency as (My sin often called me Mary Poppins). Today, thanks to program, I have learned how to "feel my feelings and express them in a healthy manner while still treating everyone with courtesy and respect. Glad that you are sharing he journey.
Lyne said
Feb 2, 2018
Welcome Peaceful-I too tried to help my A for many years with no results except for me losing myself in a plethora of negative emotions. My sponsor has always mentioned trying not to "force solutions" and I have had an Ah-Hah moment as well. By letting go and stepping back, by truly focusing on myself (which I cannot always do), I have seen a very positive result. I love this program! Keep coming back, Lyne
Freetime said
Feb 2, 2018
Thank you, Peaceful, for your wonderful share. So glad to see how the program is working for you!
I love what Betty said, "feel my feelings and express them in a healthy manner while still treating everyone with courtesy and respect." Not so easy to do -- it takes work -- and it includes treating myself with courtesy and respect as well. That's one of the a-ha moments I've had in the program. It's a lifelong tool, whether I have alcoholics in my life or not.
Iamhere said
Feb 2, 2018
Great share Peaceful - great awareness too! I love the title of your post - the a-ha moment....I tend to think these are gifts from HP - when we hear or read something and it resonates and we relate directly. Awesome that you're finding program things that are making sense and registering - that's recovery in action. Keep doing you and keep an open mind! (((Hugs)))
Tude said
Feb 2, 2018
That is a powerful share Peaceful love! I was doing the same thing all my life right up till the period of time my bubble dove down into resentment, anger and fear. Thank God I found this program! I could not even fake a smile! That was awful......uhg! I'm so glad you had your AHA and in this group before you got that far. Just amazing and it makes me smile!! Thank you for the share.
Hugs!
bud said
Feb 2, 2018
Thanks for this post PeacefulLove. It took me long time to understand the many ways I try and control outcomes. I pretty much perfected vision for only silver linings. This is so etched in me that I'm sure I'll forever practice. I do my best to say I'm sorry things are a certain way and send positive thoughts and prayer.
Good Morning!
I was reading the C2C post for today (Feb. 2) and had the wake up call of one of the many things I do in my relationships with the As in my family. In my efforts to always have a cheery, comforting, welcoming home, and to make everybody happy all the time, no matter the cost to myself, Im ALWAYS running around being Happy, Happy, Happy! (I have stuffed my feelings for my entire lifetime so as I wouldnt be a burden to anyone. So, this behavior comes naturally to me from my upbringing and not something new that I do with the As in my life). For the most part, my true self is a bubbly personality as many people who know me have always remarked. When 2 RAs entered my life 3 years ago, and what I thought was my help to help them in sobriety I have been controlling the atmosphere all around them to the best of my ability so there was no additional tension put into their lives at the costs of me or my family. The RAs that Im specifically speaking about are now my husband (nearing 18 years of sobriety) and my step-AD (nearing 1 year of sobriety - in 3 weeks). My absolute purest intention all along was to be of help in their sobriety. But, as I have come into Al-Anon this past month and have begun working this program for myself, Im beginning to see that my trying to control the atmosphere around them in our home, and the people, places, and things that come from my side of the family is probably what has been causing a great deal of my inner turmoil - because Im not allowing ANYONE to just Live, and Let Live, as they say. Ive been too busy spending a TON of time and energy worrying and fussing over making things comfortable for everyone, and always making sure everyone was Happy, Happy, Happy!!
Here I have been silently judging the RAs in my life because they always are going around getting involved in the trauma and drama, and having to fix everyone else when Ive been doing the EXACT thing all along which I have been accusing them of. How crazy is that?!!! WOW!!!
Thank you for that post this morning and for helping me to shed some light on my actions. This has been a HUGE wake-up call this morning and I already feel like I can breathe a bit easier today. Live, and Let Live! I will be taking this lesson to heart and truly start minding my own business!!
Blessings everyone!
Good Morning PeacefulLove What a powerful awareness Thank you for sharing it us. I do believe that I too had that tendency as (My sin often called me Mary Poppins)
. Today, thanks to program, I have learned how to "feel my feelings and express them in a healthy manner while still treating everyone with courtesy and respect. Glad that you are sharing he journey.
Thank you, Peaceful, for your wonderful share. So glad to see how the program is working for you!
I love what Betty said, "feel my feelings and express them in a healthy manner while still treating everyone with courtesy and respect." Not so easy to do -- it takes work -- and it includes treating myself with courtesy and respect as well. That's one of the a-ha moments I've had in the program. It's a lifelong tool, whether I have alcoholics in my life or not.
Hugs!