Hi MIP family!

I have been kind of quiet on here, but reading everyday. The reason is pretty much I have been NC with my STBX. He had stopped calling from rehab after my letter was sent. Until tonight.

Firstly, I was kind of pissed that he called after 10:00 pm. I was actually just settling into sleep for the night. I picked it up b/c my kid is out with a friend and I didn't recognize the number, so I thought it might be him. 

My STBX wanted to let me know that he was getting a 24 hours pass this weekend, and he wanted to set up some time to see Kid and our pets. I told him I am in school all day on Saturday, and Kid has a band car wash that day. He then asked if he could call Saturday afternoon or evening and touch bases about this again. I said OK.

I don't mind, however I do have one problem. OK, maybe two. One, I don't want him at my house. Two, my house is behind my parent's house, and I have been told by my mother that  she can't see my dad ever letting him on the property. I can take the dog to a park or something, but the cats would be miserable if I took them out of the house.

Then there is the issue that he still needs to be served the divorce papers. 

I feel conflicted on what I want to do. I think I am still in the mind-set of how can I make everyone happy. Thoughts?

Thanks!

this reads familiar for me because i have been there .. when i think of them today it's easy for me to see the insanity .. i think at one time i would have been willing to go to any level for my ex .. yep i too would have probably been one to load up the pets and the kids to go to 'him rather than allow 'him to feel the 'natural effect of 'his own choices, thinking and behaviors .. after all that, i used to wonder why he never learned or changed when the truth was and is why would he have had to .. after all i was doing for him all the things he could have done for himself .. in a sense .. i was trying to be his higher power .. realizing too i was possibly removing some much needed lessons he was given to learn .. not saying this is what you are doing and clarifying there is no advice giving in alanon .. i just remember all too well how much i tried to change for him to be more 'comfortable .. realized one day comfort is supposed to be a good thing for all involved .. if i were constantly doing for him even when i told myself i was making loving choices .. i realize today i was not making loving choices for myself and maybe not then for the others involved either if my choices were making 'other uncomfortable instead . (this includes the cat )

in regard to my own daughter though i realize today his contacting her was more about him wanting to remove his own feelings of guilt shame etc .. but there were a lot of events leading up to this belief .. today when i either don't answer or when i do .. i make those choices with at least a little more clarity (right motive) .. it's hard because i used to think I was very codependent on him and vice versa .. which with codependency the main ingredient is making each other 'feel better .. but if i am honest .. he was dependent on his substance and i was dependent on him .. (he had his addiction; he was mine) co = 2 .. so we weren't exactly 'co dependent (not that, that would have been a good thing either) but i had to learn to depend on something that really was dependable beginning with higher power and the fellowship .. always heard in recovery if we're supposed to know something we will (this includes knowing what to do next) .. the steps are a guide .. would suggest meetings, literature, sponsor, and fellowship .. possibly these online meetings as well with 'consistency ..

will mention .. boundaries are for me and i don't have to rob myself of my wants .. if i want to see him i can .. just as an example but at this point in time i am beginning to want recovery more than disease .. when it comes to any life changing decisions period i may want to follow the suggestion of the group only .. to make no life changing decisions until working further with sponsor in steps .. my esh only .. wishing you the best in this .. it is very hard when it comes to the kids .. asking the kids what they want though seems to be a pretty good place to start too .. if they want to see them .. perhaps i would just take them to the park instead and hold off on the pets .. again No advice judgments criticisms or anything else in this ..

(just read from andromeda right after writing this .. believe too her post is spot on) .. alcoholism is baffling cunning confusing powerful 'manipulating (dominating) .. manipulation = using words to get us to 'feel a certain way (sorry ? for them) .. yep tug on our heart strings for sure ..

Thank you, everyone for you ESH on this topic.

I went to bed last night and gave this up to my HP. I woke up and felt, "Why are you worrying about this?" I was worrying because I was sliding into old habits... me trying to please everyone. Once I identified that, it was easy to discuss this rationally in my head. Even before I came on here and read all of your shares, I was telling myself, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO JUMP WHEN HE SAYS SO! That is one of the reasons why you petitioned for divorce... so if you don't want to deal with him, you just don't have to! I can just let him know that his 24 fr. time-line doesn't work with mine. I don't have to JADE!! Imagine that!! LOL!

As for kiddo, he is 17. I gets to decide if he wants to meet up with his dad. Their last visit was a good one, so it may happen.

I realize the cats don't care if RAH is ever around again. They have copious amounts of love and food. It is NOT MY JOB to keep this reality from my RAH. And I am certainly within my rights to not want him in my home... again, divorce... hello? LOL!

The dog can actually go to a park with Kid. However, her hips are now so bad, that she cannot walk far... so I would have to drive them to the park. I am being patient with this and have decided not to worry about deciding that until Saturday night. One option is letting him know this weekend doesn't work, period. 2nd option is dropping off Kid and dog at park. 3rd option is staying at park - but after the first 5 minutes I feel it would be awkward. Can you imagine? 

I do need STBXRAH to get his stuff in order b/c we have a tax appointment at the end of Feb. So I may go just so I can give him a piece of paper that let's him know what to bring, time, date, etc. Also to get that "first meet" out of the way before the tax appt.

Or I may write it down and have Kid give it to him.  I will decide Saturday night. 

The one thing that is beginning to stand out here is the inability of my spouse to truly understand the level of betrayal/hurt he has caused me. Because, yea, I kind of think that perhaps one day we could be "friends," but that day is not 4 months after I had to flee the house/marriage! So even with all the work he is doing in rehab (and he is getting a lot of resources), it's still all about him... just sugar-coated. I have a F2F on Thursday night... I think I will share this.

Again, thank you all for your support!

I apologize for not remembering your backstory, but I hope he has never shown signs of violence?  If he has, I would not meet him or let your kid or your dog meet him.  It sounds pretty worrying if your dad wouldn't ever let him on the property.  Remember that the main time of danger for partners of violent men is just when they've separated and the divorce is looming.  That is when the most women get killed.  And they do it because their partner says they want to meet up with them.  All of those women went to that meeting thinking they would be safe.  I may not be understanding your situation accurately, but I had to mention it.

The fact is that people's actions have consequences, and the consequences of his is that he no longer has free access to his former partner, his child, and his former pets.  That's okay - those are the logical consequences.  It's not your job to smooth over those consequences.  There is plenty of future time for his sobriety (or not) to become clear and for you all to figure out what kind of contact is appropriate.  Stay safe.

Mattie - No apologies needed here! I have never experienced physical violence with him. His abuse was all with words.

The thing with my dad is really about HIS anger over hurting his "little girl." Also there is a backstory to that as well... when my spouse was using meth ( 7 yrs ago), several guns in my dad's collection (some very valuable) went missing. On his amends, my spouse said that it was one of his "drug-pals" who took advantage of him watching the house while my parents were out of town. But they have always thought it was really him.

As for the visit, he is still on a pass - so he cannot be out in the world alone... there must be a chaperone present. Family member, sponsor... somebody.

I so like this: The fact is that people's actions have consequences, and the consequences of his is that he no longer has free access to his former partner, his child, and his former pets. That's okay - those are the logical consequences. It's not your job to smooth over those consequences. There is plenty of future time for his sobriety (or not) to become clear and for you all to figure out what kind of contact is appropriate

Thank you for sharing this with me!

So a little update on this subject:

Last night got a call from STBXAH sister. She just wanted to share with me some of the things she had heard from her brother, and share with me that she thought that he was trying to use the animals as some kind of guilt trip so that he could see me. She told me that his mouth is saying all the right things, (like what he'd be hearing in his rehab) but every once in a while there is a slip in behavior... like the "old" AB is coming out. So she felt that he was just not understanding the status of he and I. She felt that he just wasn't "getting it." She thinks that he shouldn't even be thinking of contacting me in that way for at least a year.  I told her that I kind of felt the same way, despite my sending him a "Dear John" type letter. I kept the focus on me, and tried to say everything in a nice way, but I was clear that I needed my space. So I thought it "pushy" for him to call me after 10:00 pm (found out from SIL that he called me even before he called them - she found that extremely weird!) and crossing boundaries by asking to come over and seeimg the pets.

She basically made me feel really good about myself and my position. She validated me, and my need for my space. Being divorced herself, she really understands how I feel, and most of the situation. She then shared that she didn't even think she wanted to drive him by to pick up my son for breakfast tomorrow... she didn't want to get into it, should he push the issue of coming to the door and seeing the pets. I felt that she could be right about that, so we agreed that my son would walk to a close-by restaurant and a designated time to meet them. We also discussed that STBXAH should NOT be trying to convey messages to me through our kid - she's been through that, and said, "That just isn't right or fair to kid." I agreed. She said she would try and broach that subject with him. She also told me that it looks like he might begin to move into sober-living and become a resident advisor there. She said she would see if she could get more information for me about that, as the facility didn't allow his divorce papers to be served.

Spoke to STBXAH today. I let him know that Kid was going to meet them at the restaurant, not sure of time. He seemed miffed that he didn't know about the breakfast plans. I told him that was his sister's suggestion, but I didn't know the details, and I thought Kid could walk down. He asked about the pets, and I just told him that I didn't want to take the cats out... but before I could say anything else, he interrupted with "OK, I understand, I guess your parents don't want me there, and all you have to do is tell me." So I just said," OK, that's the way it is... I am waiting on SIL to text me a time for tomorrow, & then I'll tell KId. Bye."

I felt strong with myself, and good about what I conveyed, even though the conversation was quick and kind of weird. It was nice to not feel so unstable around him. No contact is really the best thing early in my recovery - since we have a kid, it won't really be true NC, but it's good this way. The less I interact with him, the stronger I feel and the less those pesky "people-pleasing"  and guilt-driven thoughts get in the way of my recovery.

Thank you all for your shares... I read each one every day this week.