I was talking to someone and just heard this and it made me laugh however that about sums everything up in my life at the moment.
It has some positives however I am struggling in some areas. I have no A however I am obsessing about my oldest of course. I have really had to step back, I am removing myself from the issues of school, the shooter bf and so on. He's gone from brillo boy to school shooter because he fits every point statistically right now and that scares the hell out of me to say the least for the safety of my kid. Mental health, dysfunctional family, suicide attempts (apparently more than one especially since the parents felt no need to involve themselves what do they know that my kid doesn't), and I don't know about guns at this point, hopefully not however I live in TX.
Right now I am angry that he's making me his collateral damage by not following through on things that directly impact me. One of them is my own doing however .. I have taken care of that .. I am cancelling my debit card. And to give you an idea of my kids response, it was well it's all good .. no .. it's not .. I get paid on Friday and because I bank out of state there are no banks here in town. I like my small bank and am not interested in changing at this point. Maybe down the line however I'm just irritated by the inconvenience of it all. Again my kid is selfish and clueless I am hoping that it's an age thing.
The other positive for me is it's forcing me to get some things in order such as my will .. no one likes to think about this however based upon the fact at the moment I have a large life insurance policy and I do not trust the current ss bf .. I decided some things need to be in place that will not create instant payout if something happens to me. I do think like this based upon my XAH and things I dealt with him on. So when that is in place which should be in the next two weeks I will feel better. One thing I am relieved about is the fact that I will name a guardian for my son. I think that's important being the issue of what I have dealt with from his bio dad.
As far as I go, I am looking at what is controlling and what are the things I can change legitimately and what needs to change within me. I am angry at the moment and lashing out so I think a break for us both is a good thing .. I like saying school shooter at this point since it's a duck let's call it a duck. That's not a good thing for my relationship to say the least.
Anyway, I do feel better on a lot of levels and I say anger however maybe it's I reached a resolve in dealing with this by dropping the rope. I love my kid. This is not ok and I am not doing this for the next 10,20,30 years. I am looking at doing my own self care and my own thing vs continuing to worry about the train wreck I see coming. And believe me it's coming .. same gut feelings have returned at the moment and based upon my own intuitive state none of this is good. It has also sent a bigger resolve that I do not need to be directly involved because I just don't want to know. This is like when my XAH was suppose to take the kids and I said .. I'm not feeling it and he wound up totaling his car that weekend and in the hospital with a whole lot of mess going on.
So now I breath .. LOL .. and I just keep doing one day at a time and what I can control is the SS BF won't be coming to my home.
Hugs S :)
Lyne said
Jan 30, 2018
Serenity, it sounds like you have a good tool box and great awareness of what you can control and what you cannot. You are a great role model for how program works. Thanks for you share and prayers are on the way, Lyne
Iamhere said
Jan 30, 2018
Just keep processing, one day at a time....(((Serenity))) - you have this even if/when you wonder. It's so very hard to let them leave the nest, take their wings, and ram into the side of a building - BTDT (Been There Done That). Yet, through recovery, I have learned that often my best service to my children is to stay on my side of the street and pray for them. It's been a slow, slow process but I am finally seeing just small amounts of maturity. They're not really owning too much (yet), but I know, as with me and all, it will come in time. Hold onto hope for a healthy, happy outcome - that's what I did.
We've had major train-wrecks and made it through each one, one day at a time. Try to not project - just do what you're doing - look at what you can do/change for your sanity and re-affirm your boundaries as best you can.
You are doing great - keep doing you!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 30, 2018
(((Serenity)))
Hang in there, GF! This sounds incredibly hard to me, but you are also posting a lot of good program. Based on how you feel about eldest's BF, it sounds good that your boundary is that he cannot be at your house! I am assuming you made that clear to your eldest kid as well? I completely "get" your thinking process on this. People say that I have lost all basic trust in human beings... that may be true... but it is from years of conditioning baby! I look at it as, at least I won't be caught unaware!
But it is hard to drop your children's teather - especially when you can "see" the crash & burn coming. But when it does happen, that is when you open your arms, accept them & their mistakes without saying "I told you so," and instead say, "How do you want me to help you?"
Sending you peace, Serenity!
SerenityRUS said
Jan 30, 2018
Hugs everyone and thank you .. ,
PNP,
You have hit what I struggle with the most and what I didn't learn as a child/young person/adult and so on that is sooo hard to change my thinking .. what I know to do and is my go to is to just stop. That's not the healthy response .. just don't talk, don't interact, don't ask .. oh I talk .. however it's very blanket statements. When I saw my oldest this weekend that was a massive train wreck .. they behaved like a 5 year old wanting attention and that doesn't fly with me .. I really do get to caught up in what did you learn. The I told you so is a response to the given how many times do I need to smack you upside the head to say helllooo .. LOL .. can you hear me now?
YES .. EVERYONE is perfectly aware of how I feel and I'm sure his family has been notified they are not to come anywhere near my property at this point. I am hoping that this dies a quick death in terms of relationships. I do not have anything nice to say and trust me it is far better for me not to speak. I am quick and cut quick when irritated and I am fully on point. My understanding is that the school has notified him when I'm on campus he's not to approach my direction at ALL. I was very clear with housing I have HUGE issues at this point.
How much is to much and that's what I struggle with the issue of the books has been an ongoing issue since I got hit at Christmas and couldn't do anything until kid went back to school. This is not a new unexpected issue for my child .. so I am not happy in the least that I continue to have to have the conversation. The level of denial is that if it just gets to be the due date I'm screwed .. umm .. no .. I'm not and I have choices just like he does in dealing with the issues. I'm not getting caught like that again, it really hurt me financially and that's the part I don't understand. The utter selfishness of well it's all fine you will figure it out. OMGOSH .. the exact attitude my XAH has with me.
Oh we had a similar conversation regarding the birth control and it being transferred again .. tried to make it my issue and it's like I'm not on it .. YOU are .. LOL! This is so not my problem. You want it .. come get it. OR do as I have been asking you to do .. transfer the script to a pharmacy closer to you and when I come up I don't mind picking it up however I'm not gearing my visits around YOUR scripts .. that didn't go well in Nov and again .. NOT GETTING CAUGHT AGAIN. So someone was very shocked when I said sounds like you better get that transferred because I'm not running around town.
There is a lot more and it's no wonder I can't sleep. I will tell you last night is the first night in 3 weeks I have slept until almost 5am ... that's so much better than 240am which no matter what time I go to bed my eyes are open wide and I will finally go back to sleep in the living room at about 4am. Thankfully I'm not feeling drugged which I do when I wake and go back to sleep normally. I'm hoping it's not because I was just utterly exhausted and I will have the same sleep again.
I am just beside myself at the moment and trying to figure the best possible way to address the issues at hand for my own sanity. Again I know if I take care of me everyone benefits from it. OHHH by the way .. the jackass .. my XAH .. is refusing to help with the books .. I did give my kiddo 100$ towards the books and said you are on your own for the rest .. this absolutely galls me to no end. At least I was not in the middle of it .. LOL .. it came from the dead beat directly.
Anyway, .. I blather on .. LOL .. I told my mom once it's ok for you to endanger yourself however you do not have the right to endanger me as well .. this was after she gave her life story to a crackhead and we left a parking lot at 10pm .. I was so mad however zero street sense. So my kid has the right to put themselves in harms way as an adult .. they do not have the right to put the rest of us in harms way. I'm afraid this is going to get abusive at some point based upon the markers that are there.
Hugs S :)
andromeda said
Jan 31, 2018
I honestly have no words to say with this situation, except that I know how I would feel in your shoes and my 'momma bear' would be in a tizzy!!!
You have had so much going on with your oldest the past few months and I see you handling it with grace, even if you don't see that yourself because you're in the midst of it all.
As for your ex: Yeah, mine doesn't pay a dime for our son's expenses at school. Here's my solution, which is totally NOT PROGRAM and I share it only to throw some humor out there. In other words, I really wouldn't tell my kid this, but I was tempted. My XAH is known to keep a lot of cash around the house and he sometimes had given our son $100 to buy a pizza for them when my XAH was drunk. I have been temped to tell my son to just start keeping the change! Hey, who gives a 19 year old $100 to buy pizza anyway? DUH.....of course, he should keep the change. But, my upstanding kid just gives it back. I DID tell my boy to do some grocery shopping for himself the next time dad forks over a big bill. Might as well. I know it's not right, but dang, it would be nice if the ex would at least help me support the kid other than keeping our son on his health insurance.
I will be praying for your oldest. It does sound like a scary situation and yes, you're right in that 18 does not mean they truly are adults. Sending lots of hugs and support your way!
I was talking to someone and just heard this and it made me laugh however that about sums everything up in my life at the moment.
It has some positives however I am struggling in some areas. I have no A however I am obsessing about my oldest of course. I have really had to step back, I am removing myself from the issues of school, the shooter bf and so on. He's gone from brillo boy to school shooter because he fits every point statistically right now and that scares the hell out of me to say the least for the safety of my kid. Mental health, dysfunctional family, suicide attempts (apparently more than one especially since the parents felt no need to involve themselves what do they know that my kid doesn't), and I don't know about guns at this point, hopefully not however I live in TX.
Right now I am angry that he's making me his collateral damage by not following through on things that directly impact me. One of them is my own doing however .. I have taken care of that .. I am cancelling my debit card. And to give you an idea of my kids response, it was well it's all good .. no .. it's not .. I get paid on Friday and because I bank out of state there are no banks here in town. I like my small bank and am not interested in changing at this point. Maybe down the line however I'm just irritated by the inconvenience of it all. Again my kid is selfish and clueless I am hoping that it's an age thing.
The other positive for me is it's forcing me to get some things in order such as my will .. no one likes to think about this however based upon the fact at the moment I have a large life insurance policy and I do not trust the current ss bf .. I decided some things need to be in place that will not create instant payout if something happens to me. I do think like this based upon my XAH and things I dealt with him on. So when that is in place which should be in the next two weeks I will feel better. One thing I am relieved about is the fact that I will name a guardian for my son. I think that's important being the issue of what I have dealt with from his bio dad.
As far as I go, I am looking at what is controlling and what are the things I can change legitimately and what needs to change within me. I am angry at the moment and lashing out so I think a break for us both is a good thing .. I like saying school shooter at this point since it's a duck let's call it a duck. That's not a good thing for my relationship to say the least.
Anyway, I do feel better on a lot of levels and I say anger however maybe it's I reached a resolve in dealing with this by dropping the rope. I love my kid. This is not ok and I am not doing this for the next 10,20,30 years. I am looking at doing my own self care and my own thing vs continuing to worry about the train wreck I see coming. And believe me it's coming .. same gut feelings have returned at the moment and based upon my own intuitive state none of this is good. It has also sent a bigger resolve that I do not need to be directly involved because I just don't want to know. This is like when my XAH was suppose to take the kids and I said .. I'm not feeling it and he wound up totaling his car that weekend and in the hospital with a whole lot of mess going on.
So now I breath .. LOL .. and I just keep doing one day at a time and what I can control is the SS BF won't be coming to my home.
Hugs S :)
We've had major train-wrecks and made it through each one, one day at a time. Try to not project - just do what you're doing - look at what you can do/change for your sanity and re-affirm your boundaries as best you can.
You are doing great - keep doing you!
Hang in there, GF! This sounds incredibly hard to me, but you are also posting a lot of good program. Based on how you feel about eldest's BF, it sounds good that your boundary is that he cannot be at your house! I am assuming you made that clear to your eldest kid as well? I completely "get" your thinking process on this. People say that I have lost all basic trust in human beings... that may be true... but it is from years of conditioning baby! I look at it as, at least I won't be caught unaware!
But it is hard to drop your children's teather - especially when you can "see" the crash & burn coming. But when it does happen, that is when you open your arms, accept them & their mistakes without saying "I told you so," and instead say, "How do you want me to help you?"
Sending you peace, Serenity!
PNP,
You have hit what I struggle with the most and what I didn't learn as a child/young person/adult and so on that is sooo hard to change my thinking .. what I know to do and is my go to is to just stop. That's not the healthy response .. just don't talk, don't interact, don't ask .. oh I talk .. however it's very blanket statements. When I saw my oldest this weekend that was a massive train wreck .. they behaved like a 5 year old wanting attention and that doesn't fly with me .. I really do get to caught up in what did you learn. The I told you so is a response to the given how many times do I need to smack you upside the head to say helllooo .. LOL .. can you hear me now?
YES .. EVERYONE is perfectly aware of how I feel and I'm sure his family has been notified they are not to come anywhere near my property at this point. I am hoping that this dies a quick death in terms of relationships. I do not have anything nice to say and trust me it is far better for me not to speak. I am quick and cut quick when irritated and I am fully on point. My understanding is that the school has notified him when I'm on campus he's not to approach my direction at ALL. I was very clear with housing I have HUGE issues at this point.
How much is to much and that's what I struggle with the issue of the books has been an ongoing issue since I got hit at Christmas and couldn't do anything until kid went back to school. This is not a new unexpected issue for my child .. so I am not happy in the least that I continue to have to have the conversation. The level of denial is that if it just gets to be the due date I'm screwed .. umm .. no .. I'm not and I have choices just like he does in dealing with the issues. I'm not getting caught like that again, it really hurt me financially and that's the part I don't understand. The utter selfishness of well it's all fine you will figure it out. OMGOSH .. the exact attitude my XAH has with me.
Oh we had a similar conversation regarding the birth control and it being transferred again .. tried to make it my issue and it's like I'm not on it .. YOU are .. LOL! This is so not my problem. You want it .. come get it. OR do as I have been asking you to do .. transfer the script to a pharmacy closer to you and when I come up I don't mind picking it up however I'm not gearing my visits around YOUR scripts .. that didn't go well in Nov and again .. NOT GETTING CAUGHT AGAIN. So someone was very shocked when I said sounds like you better get that transferred because I'm not running around town.
There is a lot more and it's no wonder I can't sleep. I will tell you last night is the first night in 3 weeks I have slept until almost 5am ... that's so much better than 240am which no matter what time I go to bed my eyes are open wide and I will finally go back to sleep in the living room at about 4am. Thankfully I'm not feeling drugged which I do when I wake and go back to sleep normally. I'm hoping it's not because I was just utterly exhausted and I will have the same sleep again.
I am just beside myself at the moment and trying to figure the best possible way to address the issues at hand for my own sanity. Again I know if I take care of me everyone benefits from it. OHHH by the way .. the jackass .. my XAH .. is refusing to help with the books .. I did give my kiddo 100$ towards the books and said you are on your own for the rest .. this absolutely galls me to no end. At least I was not in the middle of it .. LOL .. it came from the dead beat directly.
Anyway, .. I blather on .. LOL .. I told my mom once it's ok for you to endanger yourself however you do not have the right to endanger me as well .. this was after she gave her life story to a crackhead and we left a parking lot at 10pm .. I was so mad however zero street sense. So my kid has the right to put themselves in harms way as an adult .. they do not have the right to put the rest of us in harms way. I'm afraid this is going to get abusive at some point based upon the markers that are there.
Hugs S :)
You have had so much going on with your oldest the past few months and I see you handling it with grace, even if you don't see that yourself because you're in the midst of it all.
As for your ex: Yeah, mine doesn't pay a dime for our son's expenses at school. Here's my solution, which is totally NOT PROGRAM and I share it only to throw some humor out there. In other words, I really wouldn't tell my kid this, but I was tempted. My XAH is known to keep a lot of cash around the house and he sometimes had given our son $100 to buy a pizza for them when my XAH was drunk. I have been temped to tell my son to just start keeping the change! Hey, who gives a 19 year old $100 to buy pizza anyway? DUH.....of course, he should keep the change. But, my upstanding kid just gives it back. I DID tell my boy to do some grocery shopping for himself the next time dad forks over a big bill. Might as well. I know it's not right, but dang, it would be nice if the ex would at least help me support the kid other than keeping our son on his health insurance.
I will be praying for your oldest. It does sound like a scary situation and yes, you're right in that 18 does not mean they truly are adults. Sending lots of hugs and support your way!