Right to worry, or over-reacting due to experiences?
SuziS said
Jan 25, 2018
Hello everyone. This is my first post - and I'm looking for some perspective. My father was an alcoholic, then moved onto prescription drugs. He's been sober now, save a small relapse, for about 16 years. Most of my childhood memories are of my dad being drunk/passed out and the associated dramas. I'm very lucky though, and we now have an ok relationship after a few years of not speaking.
I drink occasionally now, (one or two, once or twice a month) having been tee total for most of my life as a result of the childhood experiences.
The thing is, I worry about how much my boyfriend drinks, and I'm not sure whether I'm being oversensitive/worrying because I grew up with an alcoholic, or whether my concern is justified - I feel like I don't have a real benchmark for "normal drinking" if that makes sense? This is the situation:
He drinks when he is alone, which I think is ok in some circumstances, but in others such as when he is working from home is not. Each time he has worked from home since we lived together he has made himself a couple of cocktails in the afternoon because he said he's been bored. We're talking Tuesday afternoons in January.
He has told me he can't stop drinking once he starts - we recently hosted a dinner party and while other guests put their glasses down after the main course, he carried on drinking (alone) for a couple more hours
His tolerance is very high - he can drink four or five double whiskeys and still appear relatively sober
Fifty percent of weekends he will drink all day - and when we were on holiday he did the same
He doesn't drink every night, but maybe four or five out of seven in the average week - sometimes more
He binge drinks at least once a week - we're talking half to three quarters of a bottle of spirits
There have been occasions when I have noticed a "desperation" to get a drink. Like it's the only objective in that moment.
Activities that I would not consider to be "drinking ocassions" such as going to the cinema, become drinking sessions. He always takes a bottle of whiskey with him to the cinema.
He has no qualms about necking a couple of whiskeys on a morning flight (he is scared of flying)
I should note that he is never violent/aggressive when drunk, one or twice I have felt a little uncomfortable or got upset, but I put that down to a projection of childhood experiences. His friends are also big drinkers, but it's that he drinks so much on his own that worries me the most.
I haven't spoken to him about it, on a number of ocassions he has told me (without me even saying anything) that he's not an alcoholic, he just loves drinking.
Having grown up with one, I'm not sure I am equipped to tell the difference. Am I over reacting?
hotrod said
Jan 25, 2018
Hello Suzi Welcome I can understand your concerns . The drinking does seem excessive and might indicate a problem drinker . AA empathizes the fact that the alcohlolic must diagnosis himself because only they know the hidden drives. There is a test developed by the National Council on Alcoholism that can help
Regardless of the outcome of the test , if someone's drinking is disturbing to you and if you grew up with the disease, alanon can offer you support and help. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number in the white pages Please check it out and keep coming back here as well There is hope and help
Mattie said
Jan 25, 2018
My experience in having seen many, many people who've grown up with alcoholism is that I've never seen anyone in that group who was too quick to identify someone as an alcoholic. It seems to be a common trait that people who've grown up with alcoholism are much slower to think there's a problem than others.
My own assessment is that anyone who drinks all day long, whether occasionally or often, has a worrying attitude towards alcohol, and I would not be at all surprised if they were an alcoholic.
Anyone who takes whiskey to the movies, same.
Anyone who drinks in the morning, same.
Anyone who ever binge drinks, past the age of about 25 (and even then I would worry) - same.
If I met a guy with the habits you describe, the alarm bells would be deafening for me. And here is the thing I worry about. Those of us who have grown up with alcoholism or otherwise have codependent tendencies are no safer around alcoholics than alcoholics are around a bar. We don't have the best self-protective instincts - as the saying, is, our "pickers" are broken. We tend to fall into wanting to "help" them, or making excuses for them, or thinking we shouldn't be too hard on them, or thinking that they're really great people "except for this one little thing" (which is actually a huge deal-breaking thing), or that no one's perfect so we shouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater, or that we'll never find someone else who has X, Y, or Z things in common, or that they say they love us and that's so rare and special that we should overlook the drinking, or that it's scary out there and we'll stick with the devil we know, or that it just feels so familiar and "right" somehow that we'll overlook stuff, or that "it's really not that bad" (except that it will get much, much worse), or that they've had a bad deal in life and we're the only one who can understand them... Basically we can come up with a million and one reasons why we should stick with someone who's already deeply involved with someone else - the bottle - and who will cause us pain. We don't attract alcoholics, but unlike regular people, we don't protect ourselves and move on when their drinking appears. So we end up with alcoholics. Until we go into our own recovery.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
bud said
Jan 25, 2018
Hi Suzie,
You've received great support - and I also feel that if it were my boyfriend with these behaviors towards alcohol, I would be concerned. Alanon face to face meetings, online meetings, and this message board are great for support and to learn what the next right thing is for you.
Please keep yourself safe and take care of yourself.
serenity47 said
Jan 26, 2018
That frequency and amount of drinking would be worrisome to me. Whether he identifies himself as an alcoholic or not is irrelevant. The people who are equipped to tell him that he is or isn't an alcoholic are the ones he will meet at an AA meeting or at treatment center should he decide to go. What is important is what support do you need? I would encourage you simply based on your upbringing by an alcoholic to check out Alanon meeting to see what others have done . There you will find people who have been through every imaginable situation with a loved one and addiction yet are able to live a happy life in spite of it.
Takotsubo said
Jan 26, 2018
Hi Suzie
when I read your post it was like I was writing my own one but about 3 years ago. My now ex ABF did all of these things - initially I wasnt too worried (although had lots of red flags flapping around inside my head) as he wasnt living with me. Then he moved in and I realised that the drinking was having a huge impact on my own happiness - drinking several days during the week on his own while working - which meant he didnt get much done - sometimes nothing - this habit crept in to every day and then no work and no money. Drinking before events, during events, after events - but drinking on his own every day was the worst. I would come home from work and he was often tipsy - sometimes smashed. Always pleasant, funny (initially I thought so) but in the end so destructive for both him and me and our family. And as i have learnt from Alanon, alcoholism is progressive and only gets worse - this is so true - he just got more and more sick (drunk) as the years went by. Sadly I didn't want to see the huge red flags flying in my face for the first year and then after it was so hard to sort out as I loved him for all the great things about him but I had became so anxious, worried and resentful.
I think we always know in our heart when things aren't right but sometimes it takes time to acknowledge the problem as then once acknowledged we know we have to act..... - i am new on this site but have found it so amazingly helpful, insightful and powerful as a tool to deal with the bumps life throws at us sometimes. I think if I had found this site earlier maybe my partner and I would still be together as I would have had more tools to work with.......But maybe not but I think both of us would have left each other in a better place.
SuziS said
Jan 26, 2018
Thank you all for your replies, much appreciated. I feel like the drinking is a problem, but as I said originally, I didn't know if I was overreacting/this is somewhere on the spectrum of normal but because of my history I was blowing it up. I have been looking at AlAnon meetings - I will definitely go to one, face to face.
bud said
Jan 26, 2018
Super that you're open to going to meetings- what meetings have done for me is to give me confidence to strengthen self-doubts so I understand when I overreact and when my reaction is appropriate. There are times when people can tell me that I'm not overreacting and still I have self-doubt and it is in the support of others in the Alanon program that brings me to a better understanding. Keep us posted and keep coming back!
Iamhere said
Jan 26, 2018
Hi Suzi and welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I believe we are each individual, and the sum-total of our past experiences. Within each of us, we form values, opinions, experiences, strength, etc. What I've learned in Al-Anon is that it's not my job to assess if another person's drinking is too much or dangerous or .... My job is to take a look at me and protect me from any situation, person, place or thing that affects my well-being and serenity.
Your past is yours, and it may be shaping your present. That's OK - I believe all our life experiences happen for a reason to help us have a better today. If your intuition is raising up, take heed and listen to your inner self. Before Al-Anon, I often questioned my gut and felt that I was hyper-sensitive towards this disease and potentially diseased people. With a bit of recovery, I now listen to my gut and do what is necessary for me to avoid toxic situations, people, etc. I have adopted a 'drama-free life' and do all that I can to protect that. Today, I am able to be selective who I allow into my life and am perfectly content with quality friends vs. quantity.
I do believe you would benefit from Al-Anon. It has given me so many tools to live my best life and to avoid letting the actions/attitudes of others affect me. Please keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery! Let us know how your meeting goes!
Tude said
Jan 26, 2018
Hi Suzi. Welcome to group. This is a great program and you'll get so much love and support from it. The warnings that jumped out at me was being unable to stop drinking and the morning drinking. What everyone above shared doesn't need me adding anything to it.
Hugs
Maresie said
Jan 26, 2018
Most alcoholics l9ve drinking .
That is one of the classic signs of an alcoholic they take to drinking fast
The other key issue is they can't stop
The most pertinent one is they don't stop when there are big consequences
I have a sister who is an alcoholic. She started as a teenager always drinking to excess.
She damaged her health but kept on drinking. She had employment problems. She kept on drinking
Her best friends were alcoholics. Her biggest past time was drinking.
There are many different features of an alcoholic.
In.al anon we put the focus on ourselves rather than the alcoholic
This program can help. The program isn't necessarily goingb to help your boyfriend. He has to walk t help. For a long time sometimes for ever the alcohol works in people's lives.
It is only when it stops working some of them will consider stopping
Hello everyone. This is my first post - and I'm looking for some perspective. My father was an alcoholic, then moved onto prescription drugs. He's been sober now, save a small relapse, for about 16 years. Most of my childhood memories are of my dad being drunk/passed out and the associated dramas. I'm very lucky though, and we now have an ok relationship after a few years of not speaking.
I drink occasionally now, (one or two, once or twice a month) having been tee total for most of my life as a result of the childhood experiences.
The thing is, I worry about how much my boyfriend drinks, and I'm not sure whether I'm being oversensitive/worrying because I grew up with an alcoholic, or whether my concern is justified - I feel like I don't have a real benchmark for "normal drinking" if that makes sense? This is the situation:
I should note that he is never violent/aggressive when drunk, one or twice I have felt a little uncomfortable or got upset, but I put that down to a projection of childhood experiences. His friends are also big drinkers, but it's that he drinks so much on his own that worries me the most.
I haven't spoken to him about it, on a number of ocassions he has told me (without me even saying anything) that he's not an alcoholic, he just loves drinking.
Having grown up with one, I'm not sure I am equipped to tell the difference. Am I over reacting?
Hello Suzi Welcome I can understand your concerns . The drinking does seem excessive and might indicate a problem drinker . AA empathizes the fact that the alcohlolic must diagnosis himself because only they know the hidden drives.
There is a test developed by the National Council on Alcoholism that can help
Here is the link
www.ncadd.org/get-help/take-the-test/am-i-alcoholic-self-test
Regardless of the outcome of the test , if someone's drinking is disturbing to you and if you grew up with the disease, alanon can offer you support and help. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number in the white pages Please check it out and keep coming back here as well There is hope and help
My experience in having seen many, many people who've grown up with alcoholism is that I've never seen anyone in that group who was too quick to identify someone as an alcoholic. It seems to be a common trait that people who've grown up with alcoholism are much slower to think there's a problem than others.
My own assessment is that anyone who drinks all day long, whether occasionally or often, has a worrying attitude towards alcohol, and I would not be at all surprised if they were an alcoholic.
Anyone who takes whiskey to the movies, same.
Anyone who drinks in the morning, same.
Anyone who ever binge drinks, past the age of about 25 (and even then I would worry) - same.
If I met a guy with the habits you describe, the alarm bells would be deafening for me. And here is the thing I worry about. Those of us who have grown up with alcoholism or otherwise have codependent tendencies are no safer around alcoholics than alcoholics are around a bar. We don't have the best self-protective instincts - as the saying, is, our "pickers" are broken. We tend to fall into wanting to "help" them, or making excuses for them, or thinking we shouldn't be too hard on them, or thinking that they're really great people "except for this one little thing" (which is actually a huge deal-breaking thing), or that no one's perfect so we shouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater, or that we'll never find someone else who has X, Y, or Z things in common, or that they say they love us and that's so rare and special that we should overlook the drinking, or that it's scary out there and we'll stick with the devil we know, or that it just feels so familiar and "right" somehow that we'll overlook stuff, or that "it's really not that bad" (except that it will get much, much worse), or that they've had a bad deal in life and we're the only one who can understand them... Basically we can come up with a million and one reasons why we should stick with someone who's already deeply involved with someone else - the bottle - and who will cause us pain. We don't attract alcoholics, but unlike regular people, we don't protect ourselves and move on when their drinking appears. So we end up with alcoholics. Until we go into our own recovery.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
You've received great support - and I also feel that if it were my boyfriend with these behaviors towards alcohol, I would be concerned. Alanon face to face meetings, online meetings, and this message board are great for support and to learn what the next right thing is for you.
Please keep yourself safe and take care of yourself.
when I read your post it was like I was writing my own one but about 3 years ago. My now ex ABF did all of these things - initially I wasnt too worried (although had lots of red flags flapping around inside my head) as he wasnt living with me. Then he moved in and I realised that the drinking was having a huge impact on my own happiness - drinking several days during the week on his own while working - which meant he didnt get much done - sometimes nothing - this habit crept in to every day and then no work and no money. Drinking before events, during events, after events - but drinking on his own every day was the worst. I would come home from work and he was often tipsy - sometimes smashed. Always pleasant, funny (initially I thought so) but in the end so destructive for both him and me and our family. And as i have learnt from Alanon, alcoholism is progressive and only gets worse - this is so true - he just got more and more sick (drunk) as the years went by. Sadly I didn't want to see the huge red flags flying in my face for the first year and then after it was so hard to sort out as I loved him for all the great things about him but I had became so anxious, worried and resentful.
I think we always know in our heart when things aren't right but sometimes it takes time to acknowledge the problem as then once acknowledged we know we have to act..... - i am new on this site but have found it so amazingly helpful, insightful and powerful as a tool to deal with the bumps life throws at us sometimes. I think if I had found this site earlier maybe my partner and I would still be together as I would have had more tools to work with.......But maybe not but I think both of us would have left each other in a better place.
Your past is yours, and it may be shaping your present. That's OK - I believe all our life experiences happen for a reason to help us have a better today. If your intuition is raising up, take heed and listen to your inner self. Before Al-Anon, I often questioned my gut and felt that I was hyper-sensitive towards this disease and potentially diseased people. With a bit of recovery, I now listen to my gut and do what is necessary for me to avoid toxic situations, people, etc. I have adopted a 'drama-free life' and do all that I can to protect that. Today, I am able to be selective who I allow into my life and am perfectly content with quality friends vs. quantity.
I do believe you would benefit from Al-Anon. It has given me so many tools to live my best life and to avoid letting the actions/attitudes of others affect me. Please keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery! Let us know how your meeting goes!
Hugs
Most alcoholics l9ve drinking .
That is one of the classic signs of an alcoholic they take to drinking fast
The other key issue is they can't stop
The most pertinent one is they don't stop when there are big consequences
I have a sister who is an alcoholic. She started as a teenager always drinking to excess.
She damaged her health but kept on drinking. She had employment problems. She kept on drinking
Her best friends were alcoholics. Her biggest past time was drinking.
There are many different features of an alcoholic.
In.al anon we put the focus on ourselves rather than the alcoholic
This program can help. The program isn't necessarily goingb to help your boyfriend. He has to walk t help. For a long time sometimes for ever the alcohol works in people's lives.
It is only when it stops working some of them will consider stopping