Hello all. It's been a while. I sure notice when I slack off and stop reading these boards my life becomes unmanageable again! I still can't attend f2f meetings due to a court-ordered conflict. * Here is my question to you all and your ESH would be appreciated since I am so torn on this subject. * I have been in a relationship with a seemingly decent guy for about 6 months. We have become very close he doesn't drink at all and treats me a LOT better than my XAH. *However, he does keep some secrets from me. He won't tell me what his job is (just says it's part-time on the computer and is legal and clean). He also gets very irritated if I ask any questions about his past, especially about him using another name (he either changed his name at one point or set up a fake name in another state, yet he uses and is known by his real name here in the town where we both live). He has told me that he has no criminal history and has never been to jail etc. He has said he will say more when he feels ready (he used to say he would never tell me anything). He has told me several times if I need to break up with him over this to go ahead (imho that means his secrets are more important than I am). * My question is-- am I out of line asking questions about his past and his job? Is it not my business? Or is it prudent of me since I have been very hurt by men keeping secrets? I'm just torn over whether I should press this issue or whether I should butt out. ESH?
Calm Lady said
Jan 24, 2018
Hey Jayla
My experience has been to trust my gut instinct. If it is sending messages to me that a situation or person isn't quite right, I have learnt working my Al-anon program to listen to it.
Growing up in my A home, I was trained to over ride it. I now discover it is there to help me. To keep me safe.
I have also learnt to ask myself if peoples behaviour is acceptable to ME. I can't change them, they will do what they do.
So it's down to how I feel about it. Whether I step away or get involved.
All the best to you.
Jayla said
Jan 24, 2018
Thank you Calm Lady. I'm exactly the same in that growing up in an abusive home I learned or was forced to override my intuition. AND I ALWAYS pick unavailable men! I didn't realize I had done so this time until I read your message but you are right. A big chunk of him is unavailable due to these past secrets.
Mattie said
Jan 24, 2018
Those things would give me pause too. Seems to me like the options are: 1) he has something really worrying he wants to hide, like a bad past, something criminal (even though he's denying it), being wanted somewhere, something illegal or dangerous, or 2) there is nothing worrying in his past but he is being really secretive and closed-down to the point of paranoia. Neither of these is a good option. "Trust me without further information even though it seems weird" is something I heard often enough from the addicts in my life.
I bet there is someone out there who would be happy to be in a relationship with a good woman, who does not feel the need to keep huge secrets in his life.
Jayla said
Jan 24, 2018
Thank you Mattie. That is very helpful.
Jayla said
Jan 24, 2018
I think I mixed up your response and Iamhere's when replying. I gusss that's what happens when you accidentally post twice! But everything you both said is helpful. I am so new at learning to trust myself and it is hard.
SerenityRUS said
Jan 24, 2018
Jayla,
I'm going to echo what others have shared in terms of secrets don't belong in a transparent relationship. If someone feels the need to hide something then they need to take a look at themselves and figure out why that is .. that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It doesn't matter if it's criminal or mental health issues the point is that in Alanon the saying goes .. I am only as sick as my secrets .. this for me in a dating situation would have red flags all over it and it is not something that I would be comfortable with.
I hope you can spend some time with yourself and figure out what you want and what you deserve and THEN make a decision in whatever time frame you need as to if this is healthy for you.
Hugs S :)
Jayla said
Jan 24, 2018
Thanks for your ESH Serenity. I have seen that on this board before something like "you're only as sick as the secrets you keep." And also "no more secrets and lies." Basically I guess I was giving him some time to get to know me and hopefully confide in me but now it appears that is not going to happen. So that's why I'm evaluating if this is something I want to deal with long term.
Tude said
Jan 25, 2018
Secrets scare me. I "feel" them and they effect my peace of mind. I second what Serenity shared.
Hugs!
Jayla said
Jan 26, 2018
Thanks for the ESH Tude.
bud said
Jan 26, 2018
The longer I have miles in Alanon, the more I realize the extent of damage from secrets. There is a certain level of initial honest exchange that is healthy and more as relationships progress.
I have found that even when I don't recognize or acknowledge that I'm in an unhealthy relationship, it falls apart because I keep the support of Alanon to continue to grow towards healthy. For me, if I am honest with myself, I know if the relationship is an unhealthy one by the 6th month. It's my own lack of strong boundaries that rationalize the situation is ok because that way I don't need to go through the pain of breaking it off. I am learning that what I've been doing is so much more harmful and I need to detach from unhealthy relationships.
Alanon helps me understand my wants and needs and what is good for me. Keep coming back!
Maresie said
Jan 27, 2018
A lot of relationships begin really well Then when we are looking around we find things that look a little strange. Unfortunately for those of us who feel deprived there is a big temptation to say I can let this go.
Coming out of a really difficult relationship with an alcoholic means you are vulnerable. That doesn't mean you have to stay vulnerable
In all my relationships there are boundaries if people are crossing those boundaries there is a consequence I no longer feel that vulnerable that my boundaries get smashed into a pulp.
I am often disappointed that things don't work out better However after being in al anon for a few years I am resolute about my boundaries. I have them. I protect then I maintain them
Approaching any relationship is a risk Risks are worth taking Neverthess the kind of risks I users to take in relationships were too high. The issue is that so anon can help us distance ourselves. When someone is saying things that send up red flags we can pause and acknowledge the flags
In addition when someone is giving out a #this relationship is on my terms# maxim we can acknowledge that isn't the laissez faire give and take you were looking for.
One of my friends said dating is a lot of #No thanks#
They are looking around and making choices
For some of us making choices in our best interest is not something that we have a lot of practice in.
Lately I have got a lot better at saying no thanks to a lot of offers That is very casual friendships as well as different work relationships. Before I was help first think about it later.
So am anon can help you a great deal with slowing down. No relationship has to be a break neck speed You can slow down step aside and re evaluate
I used to consider whenever a relationship didn't work out it was a failure on my part. Now I think it is the norm. I connect with some people and not with others. I had to revise my expectations
All the questions you are asking are very good questions
There is nothing wrong with being wary indeed it is a sign of health.
-- Edited by Maresie on Saturday 27th of January 2018 09:42:30 AM
Jayla said
Jan 27, 2018
Thank you bud and maresie. I have read your responses several times. There's so much truth there. It really helps. All of the responses have captured aspects of different things I've been thinking. When I'm being honest with myself it seems to me that this is a relationship that should end because it is throwing up red flags and we do not agree on the boundaries of disclosure. But then I start thinking of the good aspects and like one of you guys said I start thinking I can let this go. I have most definitely grown up feeling deprived of male attention and love. I never had many choices with men and so I never learned to say no very well.
MeTwo2 said
Jan 28, 2018
it's pretty much been said up there . . so pretty much saying the same only in a few different words .. the expression: there's freedom in Truth .. anytime the truth is 'hidden there will be less freedom and more than likely a hidden wrong motive .. the why becomes more important even than the what .. have experienced this both outside & inside recovery .. it's sorta like choosing to live in the shadows rather than the 'light ,, when i think of recovery i think i can't imagine withholding from each other all the things that help set and keep us free .. just my thoughts in passing ..
My experience has been to trust my gut instinct. If it is sending messages to me that a situation or person isn't quite right, I have learnt working my Al-anon program to listen to it.
Growing up in my A home, I was trained to over ride it. I now discover it is there to help me. To keep me safe.
I have also learnt to ask myself if peoples behaviour is acceptable to ME. I can't change them, they will do what they do.
So it's down to how I feel about it. Whether I step away or get involved.
All the best to you.
Those things would give me pause too. Seems to me like the options are: 1) he has something really worrying he wants to hide, like a bad past, something criminal (even though he's denying it), being wanted somewhere, something illegal or dangerous, or 2) there is nothing worrying in his past but he is being really secretive and closed-down to the point of paranoia. Neither of these is a good option. "Trust me without further information even though it seems weird" is something I heard often enough from the addicts in my life.
I bet there is someone out there who would be happy to be in a relationship with a good woman, who does not feel the need to keep huge secrets in his life.
I'm going to echo what others have shared in terms of secrets don't belong in a transparent relationship. If someone feels the need to hide something then they need to take a look at themselves and figure out why that is .. that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It doesn't matter if it's criminal or mental health issues the point is that in Alanon the saying goes .. I am only as sick as my secrets .. this for me in a dating situation would have red flags all over it and it is not something that I would be comfortable with.
I hope you can spend some time with yourself and figure out what you want and what you deserve and THEN make a decision in whatever time frame you need as to if this is healthy for you.
Hugs S :)
Hugs!
I have found that even when I don't recognize or acknowledge that I'm in an unhealthy relationship, it falls apart because I keep the support of Alanon to continue to grow towards healthy. For me, if I am honest with myself, I know if the relationship is an unhealthy one by the 6th month. It's my own lack of strong boundaries that rationalize the situation is ok because that way I don't need to go through the pain of breaking it off. I am learning that what I've been doing is so much more harmful and I need to detach from unhealthy relationships.
Alanon helps me understand my wants and needs and what is good for me. Keep coming back!
A lot of relationships begin really well Then when we are looking around we find things that look a little strange. Unfortunately for those of us who feel deprived there is a big temptation to say I can let this go.
Coming out of a really difficult relationship with an alcoholic means you are vulnerable. That doesn't mean you have to stay vulnerable
In all my relationships there are boundaries if people are crossing those boundaries there is a consequence I no longer feel that vulnerable that my boundaries get smashed into a pulp.
I am often disappointed that things don't work out better However after being in al anon for a few years I am resolute about my boundaries. I have them. I protect then I maintain them
Approaching any relationship is a risk Risks are worth taking Neverthess the kind of risks I users to take in relationships were too high. The issue is that so anon can help us distance ourselves. When someone is saying things that send up red flags we can pause and acknowledge the flags
In addition when someone is giving out a #this relationship is on my terms# maxim we can acknowledge that isn't the laissez faire give and take you were looking for.
One of my friends said dating is a lot of #No thanks#
They are looking around and making choices
For some of us making choices in our best interest is not something that we have a lot of practice in.
Lately I have got a lot better at saying no thanks to a lot of offers That is very casual friendships as well as different work relationships. Before I was help first think about it later.
So am anon can help you a great deal with slowing down. No relationship has to be a break neck speed You can slow down step aside and re evaluate
I used to consider whenever a relationship didn't work out it was a failure on my part. Now I think it is the norm. I connect with some people and not with others. I had to revise my expectations
All the questions you are asking are very good questions
There is nothing wrong with being wary indeed it is a sign of health.
-- Edited by Maresie on Saturday 27th of January 2018 09:42:30 AM
it's pretty much been said up there . . so pretty much saying the same only in a few different words .. the expression: there's freedom in Truth .. anytime the truth is 'hidden there will be less freedom and more than likely a hidden wrong motive .. the why becomes more important even than the what .. have experienced this both outside & inside recovery .. it's sorta like choosing to live in the shadows rather than the 'light ,, when i think of recovery i think i can't imagine withholding from each other all the things that help set and keep us free .. just my thoughts in passing ..