I worked my program hard since my break-up about 4 months ago and I'm finally in a good space. I thought it unnecessary but I was not reactive even when I discovered he recently unlinked me from linked-in. I was still ok when he contacted my girlfriend, a realtor, to sell his home. (found out because I frequent her website) There are thousands of realtors, why my friend?
My serenity was poked at 8 am this morning when he called me. I didn't recognize the number and didn't pick up. He left a message asking why I'd contact his fiancee through linked in.
I returned his call, and left a message stating I thought this message was left in error - I didn't know he was engaged, but if I sent a message to whomever, they can just ignore it. I wished him the best on his engagement. I thought this was the end of it and was ok.
He called back and said he wanted to discuss my reason why I contacted her. He sounded angry. He said she asked him why his ex-girlfriend was trying to be in touch with her. I told him I didn't know who she was - I hadn't been on Linked-in for a while and signed in and responded to people who left me messages. (really not much more info than I left in his message... it's really simple)
He replied that she must have forgotten she initiated contact.
I told him that I'm not stalking him and I had moved on. (I did not tell him that his fiancee sent me the message shortly before our breakup and that this past weekend, she sent me a message inviting me to lunch.l
He replied that we both moved on and he is now engaged. (he kept repeating this - gloating? looking for a reaction?) He then said he knew for a fact that I had moved on. He actually repeated this twice.
Creepy, yes? what does this even mean??? Has he been stalking me?? (and has she been stalking g me I didn't ask, rather I said that I wished him well and he hung up on me!
I feel even worse that this was basically him calling to dump his anger on me. It's almost like he called to inform me of his engagement. Fortunately, he didn't get a rise out of me and I did not accept his provocation for argument. It is clear to me that he doesn't fit the description of a man that has emotionally moved on, despite his repeated statements.This isn't how I imagine a happily engaged man would act.
It makes me wonder about the fond memories I have and if they're even true. I don't like feeling off-balance. I don't know many people that would suddenly break off a relationship and become engaged shortly after to someone new.
My bad for speculating, but as all this goes down with his house sale, a house we were looking at previously in now under contract. Did they buy it?
I will not reply if he contacts me again.
Directions on slogans and step work is much appreciated.
SerenityRUS said
Jan 23, 2018
Oh goodness that's a shock and an unpleasant one at that it was also rude as well as cruel of him to do so in this manner. I am sorry you are dealing with this at the moment.
I think the statement what other people think of me is none of my business applies here because he's making assumptions regardless if they are true or not are none of his business any more than his current fiancé (I say current because this doesn't have disaster written all over it .. LOL).
He totally reminds me of my X .. LOL .. YES .. people do this ALL the time because they need to do what I call bag and tag and move on down the road kind of thing. My XAH married his current wife technically a day after our divorce was legally final. Let me tell you how that all worked out .. so far year number 3 with the truth according to my XAH continuing to snap her in her behind about every 3 months it seems to be. It's not minor stuff .. it's BIG stuff. It's all in an effort NOT to be alone and deal with themselves.
I'm sooo glad you kept your cool and didn't allow him the satisfaction of knowing it did throw you. I would soooo stay away from the fiancé and whatever drama mama this one is .. get your popcorn out because I doubt this is the end of the story. Good to know you don't need to participate in whatever walking disaster he's got going on.
As far as your relationship .. my 2 cents .. accept the good times as what they were .. good times for you .. that was your perception .. his need to destroy that is about him ... not you .. it's ok to have fond memories of your time together .. my friend .. do NOT get stuck there .. you don't need to visit even .. it's a memory of a time pass and those are great .. no need to dwell. Look in the rearview mirror .. do not stare.
I truly encourage a step 4,5,6 .. I think taking a look at that need for approval is a big one, .. self esteem and an asset list. This is not about you and your short comings .. this is about finding the woman your HP intends you to be .. you are obviously not picking the right fish at the right water level .. this guy was a bottom feeder (sorry .. however sometimes an ass is just an ass and again .. look at you .. dodging that bullet!!). That's all his ego he's feeding and his need to be superior .. again .. not you .. HIM.
Let go and let HP .. like I said 4,5,6 this stuff and take a good look at what you want and what you feel you deserve and step it on up to what you DO deserve.
Big hugs, .. feel your feelings and don't get stuck on the pity pot that's no way to have a party. :) S :)
Iamhere said
Jan 23, 2018
(((Bud))) - so very sorry that you did the 'next right adult thing' and then 'more was revealed'. I've had similar scenarios and after, I am left sitting wondering what just happened and what in the world did I do wrong.....the processing usually comes down to - I really did nothing wrong other than possibly expect adult responses from one incapable of doing so.
I have been very guarded with my As and communication. After all, communication was and still remains the hardest part of healing with this disease for me. Verbal and non-verbal - baffles me often. My sponsor suggested that I do have the choice to respond or not. I also have the choice of how to respond. I am better at sending an email than a phone call often as I can better control my content and emotions. I get to edit, see and consider before sending.
I no longer even try to figure out why others act as they do. I really just stop that thinking as soon as I can as it just sends me spiraling to no-place-good. I was taught early on to pray daily for those I have resentments for and it does work. I have been known to say over and over - "Bless Them, Change Me"...I have never had good results with taking other's inventory or ASSuming what they are doing, thinking, etc.
I am hopeful you can use your tools and just let it/him/her go. I do know that I am very selective about who I allow into my circle today and that's served me well. I'm opposed to drama, chaos, gossip and negativity so my circle includes like-minded, positive, genuine, authentic people. The slogan of 'Stick with the Winners' has also served me very well.
Just keep doing you. Remember that one's rejection is God's protection. Sometimes life and people just happen to keep me aware of my recovery, tools and a higher power who does really want what's best for me. (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Jan 23, 2018
Hi Bud I think you did well You are not a" mind reader" and you did not RE ACT badly. As I read your post I thought that JADE would apply here . You do not have to justify, argue, defend or engage in the insanity.
Sending positive thoughts your way
2HP said
Jan 23, 2018
If I understand correctly, you seem confused, is that right?
I get confused too when someone's WORDS AND ACTIONS DONT MATCH UP. makes me crazy actually, begins with me asking a load of questions that can't even be answered.
Confusion defines "unmanageability" for me.
so I applaud you!!!! for setting the limit you need to set now, no longer taking or returning his calls... Firming up your boundary is taking GOOD responsibility for you and your serenity, I love it.
I do know a couple that divorced after 20 years of marriage. Before the divorce was finalized, he introduced his kids to the new girlfriend. In four short months, he popped the question in front of the entire family, surprising even the girlfriend. she said yes and you'd think all was rainbows and butterflies....
Two months later, he killed himself. the note he left behind was full of anger directed at his former wife.
Some people are not well, and we are powerless. powerless. powerless.
but NOT powerless over following through with the decision you made long ago to move on and LIVE the life you want. i see this as an "opportunity" to do just that, perhaps with more volition
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 23rd of January 2018 08:25:05 PM
Jerry F said
Jan 23, 2018
Bud I think you are doing very well with this and understand also our caveat that we are not about perfection, just progress and you have been doing that well. Yes you are right he is affected and confused and attempting to validate what he is thinking, feeling and doing while the person he most needs to convince of his success is you. He is stuck and you are less so. Right on!! Keep on keeping on (((((hugs)))))
bud said
Jan 23, 2018
(((SRU)))) I LOVE your perspectives and thank you so much!
Yes, I feel bagged and tagged and I'm not liking it.
I agree he could not look at his stuff and could not be alone. Also, I suspect I didn't have enough money for him and this woman is a lawyer and does. (and no, I don't want to be with someone who's shallow)
OMG, I can not believe this show! I really don't know what happened, suspect the woman filled his head with who knows what to have him convinced to contact me like this. or he did it on his own? does it even matter! How does she even know I'm his ex-girlfriend??? Did he tell her? and why would my name even come up!?
Thank you for permission to cherish my memories untainted.
I'm on the mend from a back injury and the pain magnifies my emotions.
Thanks for picking me up, dusting me off, and throwing me back in the ring (much stronger).
Thank you - will revisit 4,5, and 6 and look forward to something better
bud said
Jan 23, 2018
Thank you for the wisdom Iamhere. I felt foolish in hindsight that picked up the phone after I already left a message. I expected sane. I kept my emotions in check, but I don't do well in the aftermath from having been exposed... to the same end, I'll remember that my response isn't necessary right away.
Ironically, anything I had been holding onto, I just let go of like it was riddled with plague.
Love the stick with the winner philosophy - that's a keeper!!! many thanks!
bud said
Jan 23, 2018
Thanks Betty - appreciate the validation! Thank you for the reminder of JADE - and I'm glad my response reflects it. I'd like to get to the point where I would have instinctively not picked up his call after I left a message... maybe this is something I can take with me so I don't have self-doubt when confronted with a decision to act or let go in the future.
bud said
Jan 23, 2018
2HP - Yes, I get confused when words and actions do not match and it feels like instant unmanageability.
WOW- just WOW .... I don't know where my ex's anger came from but he has a lot to be emotional about - ex-wife terminally ill and a special needs child, and struggling with a bad boss... none of this will likely compare to a quick marriage to a manipulative stranger. (if it happens)
I'm grateful for your comments and I could not imagine his marriage proposal being rainbows and butterflies. We were house hunting and I thought he was going to propose to me. Then he breaks up with me and now rubs my face with his instant fiancee while stuck on how knows for a fact I had moved on. (emmm.... yes, I moved on because he broke up with me... and this is none of his business)
I am not powerless to live the life I want... will be my new focus and thank you
bud said
Jan 23, 2018
Many thanks Jerry! So appreciated. In his confusion, I do suspect that somewhere deep down he knows what he's doing won't work, but he's already invested and will pretend until such a time when he can no longer.
"Yes you are right he is affected and confused and attempting to validate what he is thinking, feeling and doing while the person he most needs to convince of his success is you." Thank you so much for that.
"He is stuck and you are less so." and thank you so much for that too! I am not stuck and that feels amazing!
I am feeling much more at peace.
Blessings
mamalioness said
Jan 23, 2018
what a MESSED up thing to do to you..Shows how "healthy" he is...out of one relationship and "engaged" to another poor victim and she WILL regret it if this is true
You're good to be gone from this drama and sicko behavior...and I think you did GREAT!!!! you wished him well, didn't get all bent out of shape at him, seems to me that his "plan" to upset and poke you backfired...
I think for a while, anyway, you might want to up your meets and work more with a trusted recovery mate, just to settle back down and then you will see, working the meets, steps, slogans how LUCKY you are to be done with this very toxic and undesirable male who really needs help, but NOT your problem......
HUGS of support
Aline said
Jan 24, 2018
Hugs, (((bud))). You've had some great shares already, and I got a lot out them as well... I've gone no contact with my ex-abf now, so who knows, I might be in a similar spot at some point as you have now been... Reminds me of the utter confusion, blame games and the unpinpointable but profound feeling of guilt I felt when contacting my ex-abf for the past month or so... You managed to stay on your side of the street, despite the inner turmoil, so congrats on that! Take care.
bud said
Jan 24, 2018
Hi Rose!!! Thanks for the feedback and will up my program.
Thank you for validation of how MESSED UP he is - not sure why I need validation, but even after all this time it's so unsettling to be exposed to crazy.
Jerry nailed it that he was seeking my validation... and instead he made an idiot of himself (not sure if he actually knows this) The funny thing is that he believed me and tried to rationalize his fiancee's behavior. When he tried to have me help him "figure it out", I was detached not my job!
I was also shocked when he said "We've both moved on." Who says that after they've dumped someone? There no longer is a "we" or an "us". Freudian slip... most men would have simply left it alone or, if anything, said, "I've moved on too."
Call me paranoid and that I might be but I do not believe his fiancé is innocent in this. Her timing of initial contact is weirdly suspect as is her invitation to lunch that she sent me this past weekend. What, she was going to invite me to lunch and spring it on me that she is engaged to him... show me her ring, etc??? (during our relationship he told me how much he wanted a life with me and to build a future together and we started planning and 4 months after breaking it off, now engaged to another...)
When I had initially received contact from her, I thought she was contacting me to lose weight and was interested in nutrition. I had no way of knowing why else she would want to know me... how does she know that I was his ex-girlfriend and what does this matter to her? Is she trying to contact everyone he's been with or am I just that lucky lol
It would appear the pot found a proper lid. They're both crazy. SerenityRUS is right... their drama has just started.
I count my many blessings including my MIP Alanon family and HP for supporting a path of serenity. Will reinforce this with daily asset lists.
bud said
Jan 24, 2018
(((Aline))) I'm so sorry for your hurt and take comfort in your post in that I'm not alone. This was utter confusion for me.
There was no blame in the actual break up- he stood me up for dinner, sent me horrible text messages because he misread my text message, stopped communicating with me, then stated he was confused now that he realized he misread the text message but wanted time to sort things out...
I gave him a weekend and that was enough time. I did not want to stay in limbo longer and was too confused. I realized this was outside the realm of normal. I had already been too tolerant with his extreme abuse in handling this.
It would seem a normal response would have been, "I'm sorry I misread your text message." and things could bounce back, we could grow as a couple and become stronger.
Something valuable that I learned is what is meant by a person's temper. I used to think it was a person who was quick to anger. Now I realize that anger is normal but it is how someone handles the anger that shows their temper. So, now I think of it as temperament - when a person is angry and over reacts, this means to me that they have a temper. I now realize that an over reaction to anger in a relationship is a very bad indication and that there is little possibility of it being healthy.
I worked my program hard since my break-up about 4 months ago and I'm finally in a good space. I thought it unnecessary but I was not reactive even when I discovered he recently unlinked me from linked-in. I was still ok when he contacted my girlfriend, a realtor, to sell his home. (found out because I frequent her website) There are thousands of realtors, why my friend?
My serenity was poked at 8 am this morning when he called me. I didn't recognize the number and didn't pick up. He left a message asking why I'd contact his fiancee through linked in.
I returned his call, and left a message stating I thought this message was left in error - I didn't know he was engaged, but if I sent a message to whomever, they can just ignore it. I wished him the best on his engagement. I thought this was the end of it and was ok.
He called back and said he wanted to discuss my reason why I contacted her. He sounded angry. He said she asked him why his ex-girlfriend was trying to be in touch with her. I told him I didn't know who she was - I hadn't been on Linked-in for a while and signed in and responded to people who left me messages. (really not much more info than I left in his message... it's really simple)
He replied that she must have forgotten she initiated contact.
I told him that I'm not stalking him and I had moved on. (I did not tell him that his fiancee sent me the message shortly before our breakup and that this past weekend, she sent me a message inviting me to lunch.l
He replied that we both moved on and he is now engaged. (he kept repeating this - gloating? looking for a reaction?) He then said he knew for a fact that I had moved on. He actually repeated this twice.
Creepy, yes? what does this even mean??? Has he been stalking me?? (and has she been stalking g me I didn't ask, rather I said that I wished him well and he hung up on me!
I feel even worse that this was basically him calling to dump his anger on me. It's almost like he called to inform me of his engagement. Fortunately, he didn't get a rise out of me and I did not accept his provocation for argument. It is clear to me that he doesn't fit the description of a man that has emotionally moved on, despite his repeated statements.This isn't how I imagine a happily engaged man would act.
It makes me wonder about the fond memories I have and if they're even true. I don't like feeling off-balance. I don't know many people that would suddenly break off a relationship and become engaged shortly after to someone new.
My bad for speculating, but as all this goes down with his house sale, a house we were looking at previously in now under contract. Did they buy it?
I will not reply if he contacts me again.
Directions on slogans and step work is much appreciated.
I think the statement what other people think of me is none of my business applies here because he's making assumptions regardless if they are true or not are none of his business any more than his current fiancé (I say current because this doesn't have disaster written all over it .. LOL).
He totally reminds me of my X .. LOL .. YES .. people do this ALL the time because they need to do what I call bag and tag and move on down the road kind of thing. My XAH married his current wife technically a day after our divorce was legally final. Let me tell you how that all worked out .. so far year number 3 with the truth according to my XAH continuing to snap her in her behind about every 3 months it seems to be. It's not minor stuff .. it's BIG stuff. It's all in an effort NOT to be alone and deal with themselves.
I'm sooo glad you kept your cool and didn't allow him the satisfaction of knowing it did throw you. I would soooo stay away from the fiancé and whatever drama mama this one is .. get your popcorn out because I doubt this is the end of the story. Good to know you don't need to participate in whatever walking disaster he's got going on.
As far as your relationship .. my 2 cents .. accept the good times as what they were .. good times for you .. that was your perception .. his need to destroy that is about him ... not you .. it's ok to have fond memories of your time together .. my friend .. do NOT get stuck there .. you don't need to visit even .. it's a memory of a time pass and those are great .. no need to dwell. Look in the rearview mirror .. do not stare.
I truly encourage a step 4,5,6 .. I think taking a look at that need for approval is a big one, .. self esteem and an asset list. This is not about you and your short comings .. this is about finding the woman your HP intends you to be .. you are obviously not picking the right fish at the right water level .. this guy was a bottom feeder (sorry .. however sometimes an ass is just an ass and again .. look at you .. dodging that bullet!!). That's all his ego he's feeding and his need to be superior .. again .. not you .. HIM.
Let go and let HP .. like I said 4,5,6 this stuff and take a good look at what you want and what you feel you deserve and step it on up to what you DO deserve.
Big hugs, .. feel your feelings and don't get stuck on the pity pot that's no way to have a party. :) S :)
I have been very guarded with my As and communication. After all, communication was and still remains the hardest part of healing with this disease for me. Verbal and non-verbal - baffles me often. My sponsor suggested that I do have the choice to respond or not. I also have the choice of how to respond. I am better at sending an email than a phone call often as I can better control my content and emotions. I get to edit, see and consider before sending.
I no longer even try to figure out why others act as they do. I really just stop that thinking as soon as I can as it just sends me spiraling to no-place-good. I was taught early on to pray daily for those I have resentments for and it does work. I have been known to say over and over - "Bless Them, Change Me"...I have never had good results with taking other's inventory or ASSuming what they are doing, thinking, etc.
I am hopeful you can use your tools and just let it/him/her go. I do know that I am very selective about who I allow into my circle today and that's served me well. I'm opposed to drama, chaos, gossip and negativity so my circle includes like-minded, positive, genuine, authentic people. The slogan of 'Stick with the Winners' has also served me very well.
Just keep doing you. Remember that one's rejection is God's protection. Sometimes life and people just happen to keep me aware of my recovery, tools and a higher power who does really want what's best for me. (((Hugs)))
Hi Bud I think you did well You are not a" mind reader" and you did not RE ACT badly. As I read your post I thought that JADE would apply here . You do not have to justify, argue, defend or engage in the insanity.
Sending positive thoughts your way
If I understand correctly, you seem confused, is that right?
I get confused too when someone's WORDS AND ACTIONS DONT MATCH UP. makes me crazy actually, begins with me asking a load of questions that can't even be answered.
Confusion defines "unmanageability" for me.
so I applaud you!!!! for setting the limit you need to set now, no longer taking or returning his calls... Firming up your boundary is taking GOOD responsibility for you and your serenity, I love it.
I do know a couple that divorced after 20 years of marriage. Before the divorce was finalized, he introduced his kids to the new girlfriend. In four short months, he popped the question in front of the entire family, surprising even the girlfriend. she said yes and you'd think all was rainbows and butterflies....
Two months later, he killed himself. the note he left behind was full of anger directed at his former wife.
Some people are not well, and we are powerless. powerless. powerless.
but NOT powerless over following through with the decision you made long ago to move on and LIVE the life you want. i see this as an "opportunity" to do just that, perhaps with more volition
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 23rd of January 2018 08:25:05 PM
Bud I think you are doing very well with this and understand also our caveat that we are not about perfection, just progress and you have been doing that well. Yes you are right he is affected and confused and attempting to validate what he is thinking, feeling and doing while the person he most needs to convince of his success is you. He is stuck and you are less so. Right on!! Keep on keeping on (((((hugs)))))
Yes, I feel bagged and tagged and I'm not liking it.
I agree he could not look at his stuff and could not be alone. Also, I suspect I didn't have enough money for him and this woman is a lawyer and does. (and no, I don't want to be with someone who's shallow)
OMG, I can not believe this show! I really don't know what happened, suspect the woman filled his head with who knows what to have him convinced to contact me like this. or he did it on his own? does it even matter! How does she even know I'm his ex-girlfriend??? Did he tell her? and why would my name even come up!?
Thank you for permission to cherish my memories untainted.
I'm on the mend from a back injury and the pain magnifies my emotions.
Thanks for picking me up, dusting me off, and throwing me back in the ring (much stronger).
Thank you - will revisit 4,5, and 6 and look forward to something better
Ironically, anything I had been holding onto, I just let go of like it was riddled with plague.
Love the stick with the winner philosophy - that's a keeper!!! many thanks!
WOW- just WOW .... I don't know where my ex's anger came from but he has a lot to be emotional about - ex-wife terminally ill and a special needs child, and struggling with a bad boss... none of this will likely compare to a quick marriage to a manipulative stranger. (if it happens)
I'm grateful for your comments and I could not imagine his marriage proposal being rainbows and butterflies. We were house hunting and I thought he was going to propose to me. Then he breaks up with me and now rubs my face with his instant fiancee while stuck on how knows for a fact I had moved on. (emmm.... yes, I moved on because he broke up with me... and this is none of his business)
I am not powerless to live the life I want... will be my new focus and thank you
"Yes you are right he is affected and confused and attempting to validate what he is thinking, feeling and doing while the person he most needs to convince of his success is you." Thank you so much for that.
"He is stuck and you are less so." and thank you so much for that too! I am not stuck and that feels amazing!
I am feeling much more at peace.
Blessings
what a MESSED up thing to do to you..Shows how "healthy" he is...out of one relationship and "engaged" to another poor victim and she WILL regret it if this is true
You're good to be gone from this drama and sicko behavior...and I think you did GREAT!!!! you wished him well, didn't get all bent out of shape at him, seems to me that his "plan" to upset and poke you backfired...
I think for a while, anyway, you might want to up your meets and work more with a trusted recovery mate, just to settle back down and then you will see, working the meets, steps, slogans how LUCKY you are to be done with this very toxic and undesirable male who really needs help, but NOT your problem......
HUGS of support
Thank you for validation of how MESSED UP he is - not sure why I need validation, but even after all this time it's so unsettling to be exposed to crazy.
Jerry nailed it that he was seeking my validation... and instead he made an idiot of himself (not sure if he actually knows this) The funny thing is that he believed me and tried to rationalize his fiancee's behavior. When he tried to have me help him "figure it out", I was detached not my job!
I was also shocked when he said "We've both moved on." Who says that after they've dumped someone? There no longer is a "we" or an "us". Freudian slip... most men would have simply left it alone or, if anything, said, "I've moved on too."
Call me paranoid and that I might be but I do not believe his fiancé is innocent in this. Her timing of initial contact is weirdly suspect as is her invitation to lunch that she sent me this past weekend. What, she was going to invite me to lunch and spring it on me that she is engaged to him... show me her ring, etc??? (during our relationship he told me how much he wanted a life with me and to build a future together and we started planning and 4 months after breaking it off, now engaged to another...)
When I had initially received contact from her, I thought she was contacting me to lose weight and was interested in nutrition. I had no way of knowing why else she would want to know me... how does she know that I was his ex-girlfriend and what does this matter to her? Is she trying to contact everyone he's been with or am I just that lucky lol
It would appear the pot found a proper lid. They're both crazy. SerenityRUS is right... their drama has just started.
I count my many blessings including my MIP Alanon family and HP for supporting a path of serenity. Will reinforce this with daily asset lists.
There was no blame in the actual break up- he stood me up for dinner, sent me horrible text messages because he misread my text message, stopped communicating with me, then stated he was confused now that he realized he misread the text message but wanted time to sort things out...
I gave him a weekend and that was enough time. I did not want to stay in limbo longer and was too confused. I realized this was outside the realm of normal. I had already been too tolerant with his extreme abuse in handling this.
It would seem a normal response would have been, "I'm sorry I misread your text message." and things could bounce back, we could grow as a couple and become stronger.
Something valuable that I learned is what is meant by a person's temper. I used to think it was a person who was quick to anger. Now I realize that anger is normal but it is how someone handles the anger that shows their temper. So, now I think of it as temperament - when a person is angry and over reacts, this means to me that they have a temper. I now realize that an over reaction to anger in a relationship is a very bad indication and that there is little possibility of it being healthy.