Hello,

I am new to this forum and to Alanon.  Today will be my first face-to-face meeting.

I have been around the local AA Community for the past 3 years due to my relationship with my AH.  My AH and I are newly married (this past April) and he told me up front on our first date that he was a very proud member of AA.  My AH has been recovering now for 17 years and I am SO PROUD to learn all about his journey and this disease.  It just amazes me every time I hear his story and when I speak to his family members to see how much he has changed and learned to live a life of peace and serenity.  He is truly an AMAZING man and just as AA says, he is always there to lend a helping hand no matter what the issue is, AA related or not.  Extremely kind, considerate, and caring.  One of the many reasons I fell in love with him.  Its actually hard to reconcile the man that I know with the man that people tell me he was during his drinking career.  But after everything that Ive learned about this disease, and about my AHs past, Ive no doubt this man has had the courage to change in a BIG way.

My issue today is that this amazing man has a AD.  She has now been out of recovery and just celebrated 10 months of sobriety.  However, she has stopped working her program at 6 months, and never got rid of her stickin thinkin ways, as my AH says.  Nor has she gotten rid of her anger or vindictiveness.  Especially against me for no other reason than Im her fathers wife.  (I should also mention that her mother passed away from this disease in July 2017, whom was the ADs drinking partner. When AD went into recovery, AM drank herself to her demise).

My AH is under EXTREME stress from this situation.  It truly amazes me to watch him under this pressure.  He is resolute to attend meetings and to stay in contact with his own program and sponsor, which is such a relief and inspiration for me to watch.  And, even though he has his own sponsees, where his daughter is concerned, he turns a blind eye.  Her behavior and disrespect level, even with him, is off the charts.  And my AH keeps making excuses for her.  He says nothing to her when she disrespects me, does downright vindicative things towards me that put my own health in question.  Ive drawn my boundary and when I told him that I would no longer accept this behavior, he told me he had no choice because he has an investment 3000 miles away that hes trying to protect, and that I shouldnt be so selfish.  Really??  Am I being selfish??

In total, this situation with his AD has been going on for 2 years straight in our relationship.  I have been at his side and her side this entire time.  She has slayed me with raw comments both in my AHs presence and behind his back.  She has boasted about her vindictive activites towards me to family members with the explanation that she does it because it drives her nuts and laughs about it.  My AH has now been informed by these other family members and he still turns a blind eye, reminding me that stinkin thinkin and bad attitudes take time to change in sobriety, that its not an overnight thing.

I feel raw at this point.  I feel betrayed by my AH.  AM I justified in feeling this way?  Or, am I really being over-sensitive about this situation, which Ive also been accused of being?  

My AH asks for my opinion about things regarding his AD, and I gave it.  Now those opinions are being thrown back at me in a negative manner by my AH, and I am really hurting.  There is more to this story - a LOT more - and I dont doubt that my AH is raw with hurt too by both his AD and the rest of the family who has now vehemently turned on him simply for saving his AD.  I was personally witness to an extraordinary hate-filled conversation between my AH and his son last Friday night that have left us all raw with emotion, and personally, Im still shaking on the inside.  AH thought I was going to have a heart-attack that night I was so taken aback by the things said by the son.  My family is screaming at me to RUN because this situation is crazy vindictive with AHs kids and no one wants to see me get caught up in the middle.  The family, in general, cant understand why my AH doesnt walk away from it all, and he still goes back for more abuse.  I know I cant control him, and I cant be responsible for his feelings or comments.  My heart does break for him simply because I am a caring person and I love him dearly.

He calls me Ms. Sunshine because of my bubbly personality.  (Something his daughter detests about me.  Says Im not normal).  Hes now upset that my sunshine is gone for the past few weeks.  He just got upset with me last night and suggested I needed an attitude change and I had best get happy, that he was doing his best to make me happy and to take care of his AD.

I feel absolutely shaken, spun in all directions, dont know which way is up at this point.  Am I to blame?  How do I even begin to help?  He keeps asking me for my opinion and yelled at me last night to tell him what to do, but I dont dare say anything more.  My words will be perceived in the wrong way, churned up, and spit back at me.  Im really shocked at 9 months into my marriage that I might be faced with a divorce if I dont get happy very quickly.  I feel like such a failure.

Where do I even begin?  All I could think was to post here, and to somehow find my way to a face-to-face meeting today, which Im scared to ask him for the car to go.  I hate confrontation and never in my wildest imagination did I think I would ever be back in a space of dealing with heated and violent confrontations like this.  (I was in a 29 year abusive marriage that ended several years before I met my AH.  We NEVER had this kind of issue in the early stages of our relationship until his kids became involved).

I am simply confused, sad, and frustrated at this point.  I want to take back my life and to understand what I have done wrong to let this disease affect me this way.  What am I missing?

Thank you.

Welcome Peaceful  Love, I am pleased that your partner has found sobriety and continues to be dedicated to his own recovery despite the challenges with his daughter.

Alcoholism is  a progressive , chronic fatal disease over which we are powerless  AlAnon is a recovery program established for family and friends of alcoholics, who need such a program because of the many   destructive behaviors they have adjusted to, by so  doing s we develop many negative coping tools that hurt us as e continue to live our lives.  

Alanon helps us to break the isolation of living with the diseases and offers support and understanding as we attempt to acquire new constructive tools to live by. 

I   had a son who was an alcoholic and made many excuses for his behavior as i attempted to"save" him.  He was aggressive to my partner as well   so i understand your   predicament.

I suggest you both can benefit from  attending alanon face to face meetings so that each of you can develop new tools to help live through this dreadful time   .

I believe that you each would be better served gong to different face to face  meetings so that you could feel comfortable sharing 

There is hope  please do keep coming back

Thank you for your comments.  They are very comforting to this extremely sad soul at the moment.  I do not disagree, and have thought the same thing, that we both would benefit from going to f2f meetings.  I know he has attended in the past (before me).  I went to 3 meetings early on in our relationship and before the AD came on the scene.  We relocated and I didnt go back.  Now I will.

Thank You SO MUCH!!  Just getting it out there has helped relieve some of the pressure that Im feeling today.

AA is pretty well known for people who have l9ng term sobriety but with huge issues.  Boundaries in an alcoholic home are pretty enmeshed and difficult. For them that is normal 

Many alcoholics don't date delve into their history and their family associations because they fear for their sobriety. In fact many people interpret the program in that way. The first issue is to stay sober 

In any marriage There is a myriad if family issues that come up.  The a.c. A who I was involved ed with fi r years had mother issues. His mother wanted his attention.  Ajhe claimned famil y issues all the time and demanded to be a priority. Then out if the blue she married her firnner high school sweetheart and moved two states away. 

What Ibdidnt grasp for a lo g time was this:

1l) All these family dynamics were in play lo g before I came along 

2) certain situations are triggers. 

3l) People do not have to like me 

4l) It is not selfish to say #no# but in an enmeshed family it is.  My eljder sister inferred I was selfish Grady and thoughtless 

On extreme levels. Thanks to al anon her opinion of me doesn't count 

5) There are certain members of my family I will have no contact with.  That isn't because they are particularly objectionable.  They live in such unmitigated chaos it is difficult not to be pulled in.  I don't advertise that. I don't even acknowledge it openly.  I just don't accept any manner of communication with them. 

6) There are plenty of people who do not like me.  Their opinion no longer affects me. I don't invest in those relationships. 

7) I know full well the ex A and his mother malign me.  They can do it till the cows come home. I am not invested in their opinion anymore. That wasn't the case before al anon. 

Detachment is a skill that requires a lot of muscle. Newcomers to the program always feel they are not doing it right.  The fact is it takes practice and lots if it.  Patience is hardbwonbwhen you are in a lot of pain. 

There are certain people including my ne8ghbors who I dislikje 9ntenseky.  I go out of my way to avoid them. I avoid talkingbtk them.  I avoid engaging with them. I don't invest much in their opinion of me.  There have been times in my life when I was obsessed with feeling victimized by other people's malicious vicious actions.  Detachment is a great tool for  deescalating. 

I hoppe you will stick around in al anon.  Getting busy was one way I.endured the issues with the ex A's mother.  I was called all kinds of selfish names by her.  These days I d9nt believe we ever shared the same reality.  Sometimes there is no happy families.  There can be however a co existence. I no longer believe that I known what might have helped the ex A.  He never wanted to accept a shred of responsibility for anything b

He was happy just to  dump it all on me.   I didnt know how not to take it on.   Now with al anon's help I do know ho w to protect but most if all champion myself.   

One day at a time is a great slogan to interrupt the shoulda coulda woulda maxims 

Maresie 

 I like what pinkchip says about NOT getting sucked in to the drama that AD causes and to a degree AH who is enabling her with his blind eye...it this were me??? I would set boundaries in MY home, re: her and her behavior,  distance msyelf from her, work my program..SEPARATE alanon meets for you and AH so you can share w/out his hearing what you think/feel,  I just would distance myself from her..what she says or thinks about you is not your business or problem..she sounds like a very ugly, nasty little turd...I say this because my niece's daughter is like that to me...I mentored/sponsored niece for a long time and I refused to take crap from her ugly, vile daughter whose boyfriend won't marry her because HE sees what she is..some people, sober or drinking are just UGLY and that is just them...I stay away from it....Hubs is obligated to him and his program an to you and your marriage....but you can't "make him" step on his daughter and say "hey, behave and act with respect or your gonna be waaay out there on a distant circle from us"   so its up to you to take care of you...................IN SUPPORT