My AD is 30 years old and is now in deep financial trouble and homeless. Her boyfriend kicked her out this week and she texted me last month that she is over $10k in debt. The good thing is that she is alive and has a job, even though her wages are now being garnished. I made a couple of suggestions to her via text on how she could try to sort out her financial issues and then never heard another word back from her. Two days ago, she texted my sister and asked if she, and her dog, could stay with her and her husband. My brother in law is a classic enabler and thinks he can save her. He is also the adult child of an alcoholic father. At first, I tried to talk them out of taking her in and to let her finally reach her bottom, but the really think they should help her. I have decided to step back and "let go and let God" on this. I've been through this "rodeo" before. She starts out making promises and saying she will abide by the rules that are laid out, but then she starts to spin out of control and the rodeo starts all over again. I've tried, her two sisters have tried, and now my sister thinks she can fix her. I will pray for all of them and try to guard my serenity as best that I can. I've worked to hard to get to this point, I don't want to slip in my recovery. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. It is greatly needed!
GE
Iamhere said
Jan 18, 2018
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers Green Eyes - your plan sounds as solid as possible using the program. I have a large family and had many wanting to 'save', 'help', 'fix', etc. my kids and also give me continuous unsolicited advice....it was exhausting so take good care of you! (((Hugs)))
Jerry F said
Jan 18, 2018
Aloha Green Eyes and that is description of the progress of the disease of alcoholism as it touches everyone it comes into contact with. You have tools to offer them with the program and the literature and meeting places and time and more. What worked for me is what I give away. Bless you for your love of family. ((((hugs))))
SerenityRUS said
Jan 18, 2018
Big hugs sis,
Positive thoughts and prayers your direction.
Hugs S :)
Freetime said
Jan 18, 2018
Hi Green Eyes, it sounds like you have made the best possible decision. My thoughts are with you.
This work of "detaching with love" ... it's hard work, isn't it? Thankfully we don't have to do it alone.
hotrod said
Jan 18, 2018
((Green Eyes)) sending prayers your way Love your new avatar
MaggieRuth said
Jan 18, 2018
Hi Green Eyes, woah totally needed to find your share. Thank you so much for writing :) I'm taking this ODAT as I'm fairly consciously new inAlanon. Thank you for your share and with your decision and experience of "stepping back" with your AD. My AH and I are separated due to my decision last year for the children and I to not live with him or near him for my / our safety boundaries being violated. Many people around him will not hear the truth or believe his behaviors actions involve anything that I've witnessed including the alcohol. So want to scream the truth of his issues and know now have to work only on my own. Excited for the Alanon promises someday yet know when in this, is overwhelming ... so glad for the board when no F2F available now. Been aware need to work on myself. Have heard don't ever have to feel this way again, thank goodness! Everyone is helping my AH and his brother is one of the worst. He and I truly know but he is the biggest enabler because it's their pattern over the years. I'm just the new "crazy" wife which I am completely in my right to speak my truth make my boundaries and not accept unacceptable behavior. (Had an Aunt in Alanon slogans would Alanon me for years lol), My AH told people things that are not the truth about me including because I stressed him out he deserves to go out and unwind etc etc....and also why I haven't returned is because I want money which is such a lie, know it's himto deflecting the exacts of what he has been doing etc etc. He has horrendous financial issues trying to blame his circumstances feelings plight all on me. Only a few people know about his drinking. He hadn't drank in years said he quit and started up again which binge drinking which I saw as spiraling out of control. All of this was pulling the children and I under fast and couldn't have them or me around it live with him anymore. People have to do what works for them yet I'm tired of being pulled into this chaos being blamed and being judged and getting made to JADE by phone and email by him or anyone who doesn't respect my decisions.
Seriously would love to know what things have you done to be able to "step back" from trying to get them to not enable her and well stepping back in general for yourself?
Need to hear your and anyone's ESH on this stepping back and not letting their behavior bother you :) Anything you want to share will be fine I'm sorry I'm struggling. I'm sorry this is so long - please any ideas you all have gone through would help :)Thank you in advance!
Green Eyes said
Jan 18, 2018
Hi MaggieRuth!
Welcome to our community. Please visit my posts on this board by clicking on my screen name and read about my journey via my past posts over several year of being a grateful member of this community. I have decided to love my AD from afar and put her in the arms of my HP, just like I did with my AH. The Al-Anon program is what saved me from the nightmare that my children and I were living. "It works when you work it!"
Hugs and ESH!
GE
MaggieRuth said
Jan 18, 2018
((((Green Eyes)))) thank you very much for suggesting to read your writings. Some days are better for me as you've read lol Yes will read for sure when kids sleeping lol :) very similar decisions we share which AH and his enablers don't understand I love him not what he has become or perhaps who he is and hid from me. Learning a lot in prayer with HP. Yes this community is amazing and has saved my children and my life most definitely:) saying prayers for your daughter and hoping she gets tired of what is happening to her to turn got her own help and program for recovery. Have a great night and thank you kindly again :)
LinSC said
Jan 18, 2018
Prayers for your daughters awareness to reality. And prayers for strength for you to keep on the right Al-anon path. Linsc
Jerry F said
Jan 18, 2018
Aloha Maggie Ruth. I also welcome you to this MIP family. You are not alone as there a many with experience, strength and hope who use to be where you are at now and now stand with you. One of the greatest tools of Al-Anon recovery which was given and then taught to me was detachment where I learned to have my alcoholic/addict wife in my life and not get and stay attached to her trauma and drama including her bringing new boyfriends into her life when I was not yet gone. It was like loving from afar when afar could at times mean only feet and inches. I learned how not to "own her" and just allow her presence to be important for my learning unconditional love. I never did "save" her and on the other hand my Higher Power used her to teach me humility for which I will be forever grateful.
Good to have you in the family...Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
MaggieRuth said
Jan 18, 2018
Thank you everyone yes being here has helped me tremendously. Came because of the insanity know more about the bigger picture and not being alone. Thank you everyone and GreenEyes too again for your programs are working! Heard keep coming back and thank goodness forMIP that we can :)
Maresie said
Jan 19, 2018
I have a friend who is a very self destructive low bottom alcoholic. Her first thought in the morning is how she can manipulate others. I am certain ts the ladt conscious one before she blacks out.
Before I even knew of her I heard about her from various people who were frustrated and afraid for her. I still thought that knowing me would help her because she is really good at manipulating. Of coyrse sge is also;like your daughter; absolutely desperate 24/7. Needless to say pretty much nothing I did made much difference. So much for being influential. Maybe my friend (who is a very distant friend) is not going to make it to sobriety. That won't be because no one cares. I know people who care deeply about her situation much as you do about your daughter's.
I have had to let go of what I would feel is useful for thius friend . She has certainly been at some very low bottoms. Every new bottom would be #it# for most people. For her it's just another place in her circus of obsession.
I think her only power is in her ability to manipulate others and if course in her non stop obsession with drinking. That is also her first thought in the morning.
There are many things she could do with her life and many ways she coulkd survive far better. Right now none of those seem very likely. I have asked her #why not you# and I have to say she was absolutely furious at me.
What I have had to acknowledge is I have had to grieve all my hopes for our #friendship# I am on the train right now to a city I visited with her a year ago. The visit was a complete disaster and one I realise I had unusual expectations of. I wanted her to be a reasonable person. What I got was a tantruming toddler. . Needless to say she didn't live up to those unreal expectations. I know she is capable of more but She was a real pain in.the area to be around. U would never invite her again
When I see people being manipulated by others (As I did just today I know many manipulaters I an aware I.was not such a fool to fall for their #set up# I also have to remember how desperate they are to continue their charade of being someone who isn't desperately drowning in pain.
I know from plenty of AA meetings there are many people who get sober. There doesn't seem to be a clear formula about #when how and what clicked# As one Uber driver told me recently about his own sobriety. Some of them just get sick and tired of it. He did and from what he said being an addict alcoholic had considerable allure for him for a long time. One of his children was a catalyst for him.
I know one woman who got a dog about a year ago. That dog suffered along with her addiction for quite a while I won't go into specifics but for whatever reason the taking care of the dog was a catalyst for her. Now she's been sober for a year and is hardly recognisable. I would never have bet on that this young woman would be free of the kind of total mess her addiction was.
I pray your daughter gets #sick and tired if being sick and tired# I don't have the formula about hitting bottom any more. I know a lot of alcoholics who hit bottom every week. They float in obsessive crisis. The ex A I was with does. He had a crisis of some kind every day. His bottom has continued on the same level since I left him. He survives serious illness to go onto other catastrophes but oh yeah someone else is always instrumental in his problems. He has no responsibility for any of it. He may never get sober and indeed his older brother died of the disease.
I really have to take a #hands off# approach to knowing what anyone alcoholic needs to do. For me that is where detachment comes into play. I know what I need to do and that is pretty hard for me to work on. For me it was personally ak ways much much easier to focus obsessively on others (As painful as that was) than to take every next step I needed to for me. Now I just pray for them because I know I don't have the formula any more
Tude said
Jan 19, 2018
(((Greeneyes))) You are doing well in your decisions. It sure adds to the stress when all the rescuers surface. I was the enemy and bad person when dealing with my brothers and son. Prayers and hugs!
My AD is 30 years old and is now in deep financial trouble and homeless. Her boyfriend kicked her out this week and she texted me last month that she is over $10k in debt. The good thing is that she is alive and has a job, even though her wages are now being garnished. I made a couple of suggestions to her via text on how she could try to sort out her financial issues and then never heard another word back from her. Two days ago, she texted my sister and asked if she, and her dog, could stay with her and her husband. My brother in law is a classic enabler and thinks he can save her. He is also the adult child of an alcoholic father. At first, I tried to talk them out of taking her in and to let her finally reach her bottom, but the really think they should help her. I have decided to step back and "let go and let God" on this. I've been through this "rodeo" before. She starts out making promises and saying she will abide by the rules that are laid out, but then she starts to spin out of control and the rodeo starts all over again. I've tried, her two sisters have tried, and now my sister thinks she can fix her. I will pray for all of them and try to guard my serenity as best that I can. I've worked to hard to get to this point, I don't want to slip in my recovery. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. It is greatly needed!
GE
Aloha Green Eyes and that is description of the progress of the disease of alcoholism as it touches everyone it comes into contact with. You have tools to offer them with the program and the literature and meeting places and time and more. What worked for me is what I give away. Bless you for your love of family. ((((hugs))))
Positive thoughts and prayers your direction.
Hugs S :)
This work of "detaching with love" ... it's hard work, isn't it? Thankfully we don't have to do it alone.
Seriously would love to know what things have you done to be able to "step back" from trying to get them to not enable her and well stepping back in general for yourself?
Need to hear your and anyone's ESH on this stepping back and not letting their behavior bother you :) Anything you want to share will be fine I'm sorry I'm struggling. I'm sorry this is so long - please any ideas you all have gone through would help :)Thank you in advance!
Welcome to our community. Please visit my posts on this board by clicking on my screen name and read about my journey via my past posts over several year of being a grateful member of this community. I have decided to love my AD from afar and put her in the arms of my HP, just like I did with my AH. The Al-Anon program is what saved me from the nightmare that my children and I were living. "It works when you work it!"
Hugs and ESH!
GE
Prayers for your daughters awareness to reality. And prayers for strength for you to keep on the right Al-anon path. Linsc
Aloha Maggie Ruth. I also welcome you to this MIP family. You are not alone as there a many with experience, strength and hope who use to be where you are at now and now stand with you. One of the greatest tools of Al-Anon recovery which was given and then taught to me was detachment where I learned to have my alcoholic/addict wife in my life and not get and stay attached to her trauma and drama including her bringing new boyfriends into her life when I was not yet gone. It was like loving from afar when afar could at times mean only feet and inches. I learned how not to "own her" and just allow her presence to be important for my learning unconditional love. I never did "save" her and on the other hand my Higher Power used her to teach me humility for which I will be forever grateful.
Good to have you in the family...Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I have a friend who is a very self destructive low bottom alcoholic. Her first thought in the morning is how she can manipulate others. I am certain ts the ladt conscious one before she blacks out.
Before I even knew of her I heard about her from various people who were frustrated and afraid for her. I still thought that knowing me would help her because she is really good at manipulating. Of coyrse sge is also;like your daughter; absolutely desperate 24/7. Needless to say pretty much nothing I did made much difference. So much for being influential. Maybe my friend (who is a very distant friend) is not going to make it to sobriety. That won't be because no one cares. I know people who care deeply about her situation much as you do about your daughter's.
I have had to let go of what I would feel is useful for thius friend . She has certainly been at some very low bottoms. Every new bottom would be #it# for most people. For her it's just another place in her circus of obsession.
I think her only power is in her ability to manipulate others and if course in her non stop obsession with drinking. That is also her first thought in the morning.
There are many things she could do with her life and many ways she coulkd survive far better. Right now none of those seem very likely. I have asked her #why not you# and I have to say she was absolutely furious at me.
What I have had to acknowledge is I have had to grieve all my hopes for our #friendship# I am on the train right now to a city I visited with her a year ago. The visit was a complete disaster and one I realise I had unusual expectations of. I wanted her to be a reasonable person. What I got was a tantruming toddler. . Needless to say she didn't live up to those unreal expectations. I know she is capable of more but She was a real pain in.the area to be around. U would never invite her again
When I see people being manipulated by others (As I did just today I know many manipulaters I an aware I.was not such a fool to fall for their #set up# I also have to remember how desperate they are to continue their charade of being someone who isn't desperately drowning in pain.
I know from plenty of AA meetings there are many people who get sober. There doesn't seem to be a clear formula about #when how and what clicked# As one Uber driver told me recently about his own sobriety. Some of them just get sick and tired of it. He did and from what he said being an addict alcoholic had considerable allure for him for a long time. One of his children was a catalyst for him.
I know one woman who got a dog about a year ago. That dog suffered along with her addiction for quite a while I won't go into specifics but for whatever reason the taking care of the dog was a catalyst for her. Now she's been sober for a year and is hardly recognisable. I would never have bet on that this young woman would be free of the kind of total mess her addiction was.
I pray your daughter gets #sick and tired if being sick and tired# I don't have the formula about hitting bottom any more. I know a lot of alcoholics who hit bottom every week. They float in obsessive crisis. The ex A I was with does. He had a crisis of some kind every day. His bottom has continued on the same level since I left him. He survives serious illness to go onto other catastrophes but oh yeah someone else is always instrumental in his problems. He has no responsibility for any of it. He may never get sober and indeed his older brother died of the disease.
I really have to take a #hands off# approach to knowing what anyone alcoholic needs to do. For me that is where detachment comes into play. I know what I need to do and that is pretty hard for me to work on. For me it was personally ak ways much much easier to focus obsessively on others (As painful as that was) than to take every next step I needed to for me. Now I just pray for them because I know I don't have the formula any more