My AF who lives on our property has been going to AA a few weeks now. She has a court date over DUI coming up the 24th. When she stopped over to get her mail I asked her what the court date was (i had forgotten it) and if her sponsor was going with her to court.......no. I guess my concerns are if she is making friends in AA and are they are seeing her be "real" or not...could this be why no one has offered to go with her? Her sponsor is sending a letter with her...she's been living here over 2 years now. (I had to search for the date she arrived)
She's now missed 2 days of meetings in a row. I am trying hard not to pay attention to this but she's parked out our front door. Hard to miss when someone comes or goes....still working on self here still also. I do not ask these days lol.
This disease is so freaky. 2 days missed and in her texts I see the old behavior! She's also in danger of losing her job for good. They just put her back on the schedule after she was off app 3 1/2 months from a broken wrist. Yesterday morning she sounded sick like respiratory, sounded better last night.......may be just me but I smell a rat....she did not want to go to the doc to cover her rear if she misses work tomorrow....I did a load of wash for her to limit our time together and to keep from catching what she has, if she has anything......
The court date may mean her losing her license. In this case, she has to move sooner. We are rural. I am not a taxi. Still, I feel bad for her. I am concerned over her going to court alone. My boundaries have been to stay out of her biz and keep her out of mine. The latter being the hardest one to set and keep. We are on friendly terms, very limited contact, no real relationship due to the inability for her to be honest and real... there could be a good relationship if she ever did get real about recovery but..... in protecting myself and marriage, I am just not sure this is going to happen. I am praying for her to not give up before the miracle happens. My way of protecting my peace of mind.
Any suggestions?
SerenityRUS said
Jan 17, 2018
Hugs Tude,
I think something to really understand is just because someone goes to meetings doesn't mean they are "cured", ditto for rehab. I remember my XMIL XAH's mom making the statement to me after the 3rd DUI .. well he went to rehab he should be "cured" this was coming from her and she had issues as well with drinking.
I think there is a slogan in AA that says missing a meeting a week makes me weak, or something to that effect it means the same thing. I think the bigger issue is this is none of your business. Not trying to be harsh however pointing out this is their journey, and they are going to have to figure it all out.
YES .. just like me I can be as sick as the day I walked into a meeting of alanon .. this behavior is a challenge and has to be worked on. I find different situations brings out the sickest in me really fast .. however I am aware enough to catch myself when I start to spin .. I would think that anyone who is newly sober it would be harder to know without that support system. It's also really hard work to get honest. It means no more excuses and no more pointing the finger. I do not have the tools to be someone's AA sponsor .. I do not have the same issues they do in terms of being physically addicted to drinking .. that is someone else's path. Again .. not mine.
Her choices are her consequences and I think in my opinion leaving them with her based upon the boundaries you have stated is a better way to go. I am sorry that this is hard as well as painful however sometimes it just is what it is and that's all you can deal with in terms of someone else's stuff .. I find my life easier when I don't take on what isn't mine.
As hard as things are with my kiddo at the moment .. he's got lessons to learn that he needs to deal with and the healthiest thing I can do is be as supportive as I can without doing more enabling as well as allowing him time and space to figure out his own life. Trust me .. it's not easy to allow someone else that kind of grace and dignity without wanting to shout .. you are screwing up what the hell is wrong with you!?
Hugs S :)
Tude said
Jan 17, 2018
(((( Serenity!!))))
You nailed it! I hit the send button and thought..........why am I worrying about the 24th!? I see that fear is in the way in this situation. Fear of the pain and hurt it will bring to her and myself when we have to ask her to leave......
You are not being harsh sister, you are stating the obvious! Thank you!
hotrod said
Jan 17, 2018
Hi Tude you sound like a supportive friend I discovered that if I took care of myself, listened to my small voice within , allowed others the dignity to face the results of their own actions without my interference or advice then I could still have compassion and understanding for them without controlling the outcome. I would allow her to live her life set a boundary for when she needs o move and then let it go
Iamhere said
Jan 17, 2018
It's lovely to care about your friend. There is something in me, if I am not aligned spiritually that still wants to 'take care' instead of 'care' for others...It's so hard at times to pause long enough to see the difference and then find a loving response. I am always so grateful for the suggestions of our slogans from others as they do pop up/in/are heard exactly when I need them.
One Day at a Time and Keep it Simple are good 'go-to' ones for me. I really have to remind myself to not worry about 'what ifs' as they may/may not happen and even if they do, what's my part/role is a good tool for the program.
I got a call from my oldest yesterday who is trying to finish his degree and is living in an Oxford House. House meetings are on Wednesday eve and he's got a class. He did not realize the conflict until yesterday in spite of the enrollment process, provided class schedules, Christmas break, etc. He wanted to know if he could move in here. No as a complete answer was very, very difficult yet necessary. He moved back last year in January, and one of the conditions was this was the last time....he left in April to experiment with the disease and holding my boundary while detaching is a challenge today but I do know it's the right thing to do for him.
So - looking at my motives - I don't want the insanity that comes when he lives here. We are very opposite (I'm a neat freak, he's not) and I find myself with double the work to keep my house as desired. He falls quickly into the pattern of 'letting mom do it' and it's really not good for either of us. Even with the logical examination of motives and what not, it's still not easy to say No to a child.
If I did not have boundaries and a good sponsor, it would be easier to 'waffle'. Grateful for the program and the tools as that's what carries me when I doubt what I am doing is 'right'....
You got this girl - you got this!
Tude said
Jan 17, 2018
Wow, thank you all.
My head was getting in my way big time. And, the thought of "no as a complete sentence" I have never practiced in the area of my A's. I have thought about it. I know it is coming.......there are too many addicted in my family etc..and would be useful to practice in many other areas. There have been times I have used it but........the less intimidating ones... (((IAH))) that had to have been very hard!!
I thank God for all of you, the wisdom and the sharing!
I got so off balance I missed the meeting between worrying about something that hasnt happened yet....getting ready for the dentist and the whole nine yards.
Hugs!!!
Maresie said
Jan 17, 2018
I think it is a good idea to try to avoid a respiratory infection.
Generally people get a certain window innwhichbthey van drive their car. It is pretty rare for people to lose their license entirely.
I think it is good to keep a distance. I have not seen my friend who is an alcoholic for months. First because it requires some effort on my part to track her down. Secondly I have been pretty busy taking care of myself.
I know where my friend is go8ng downhill. I hear about it from other people. For once in my life I no longer feel responsible for others. I am putting me first. I think it is incredibly generous if you to give her somewhere to stay in the middle of so many problems.
These days I actively avoid alcoholics. I do celebrate those in recovery. I am thrilled to hear that someone I knew on the periphery has moved away from people who were likely to get her to relapse. There us ak ways a chance for recovery.
The 90 meetings in 90 days maxim is a really good one.
Hi everyone.
My AF who lives on our property has been going to AA a few weeks now. She has a court date over DUI coming up the 24th. When she stopped over to get her mail I asked her what the court date was (i had forgotten it) and if her sponsor was going with her to court.......no. I guess my concerns are if she is making friends in AA and are they are seeing her be "real" or not...could this be why no one has offered to go with her? Her sponsor is sending a letter with her...she's been living here over 2 years now. (I had to search for the date she arrived)
She's now missed 2 days of meetings in a row. I am trying hard not to pay attention to this but she's parked out our front door. Hard to miss when someone comes or goes....still working on self here still also. I do not ask these days lol.
This disease is so freaky. 2 days missed and in her texts I see the old behavior! She's also in danger of losing her job for good. They just put her back on the schedule after she was off app 3 1/2 months from a broken wrist. Yesterday morning she sounded sick like respiratory, sounded better last night.......may be just me but I smell a rat....she did not want to go to the doc to cover her rear if she misses work tomorrow....I did a load of wash for her to limit our time together and to keep from catching what she has, if she has anything......
The court date may mean her losing her license. In this case, she has to move sooner. We are rural. I am not a taxi. Still, I feel bad for her. I am concerned over her going to court alone. My boundaries have been to stay out of her biz and keep her out of mine. The latter being the hardest one to set and keep. We are on friendly terms, very limited contact, no real relationship due to the inability for her to be honest and real... there could be a good relationship if she ever did get real about recovery but..... in protecting myself and marriage, I am just not sure this is going to happen. I am praying for her to not give up before the miracle happens. My way of protecting my peace of mind.
Any suggestions?
I think something to really understand is just because someone goes to meetings doesn't mean they are "cured", ditto for rehab. I remember my XMIL XAH's mom making the statement to me after the 3rd DUI .. well he went to rehab he should be "cured" this was coming from her and she had issues as well with drinking.
I think there is a slogan in AA that says missing a meeting a week makes me weak, or something to that effect it means the same thing. I think the bigger issue is this is none of your business. Not trying to be harsh however pointing out this is their journey, and they are going to have to figure it all out.
YES .. just like me I can be as sick as the day I walked into a meeting of alanon .. this behavior is a challenge and has to be worked on. I find different situations brings out the sickest in me really fast .. however I am aware enough to catch myself when I start to spin .. I would think that anyone who is newly sober it would be harder to know without that support system. It's also really hard work to get honest. It means no more excuses and no more pointing the finger. I do not have the tools to be someone's AA sponsor .. I do not have the same issues they do in terms of being physically addicted to drinking .. that is someone else's path. Again .. not mine.
Her choices are her consequences and I think in my opinion leaving them with her based upon the boundaries you have stated is a better way to go. I am sorry that this is hard as well as painful however sometimes it just is what it is and that's all you can deal with in terms of someone else's stuff .. I find my life easier when I don't take on what isn't mine.
As hard as things are with my kiddo at the moment .. he's got lessons to learn that he needs to deal with and the healthiest thing I can do is be as supportive as I can without doing more enabling as well as allowing him time and space to figure out his own life. Trust me .. it's not easy to allow someone else that kind of grace and dignity without wanting to shout .. you are screwing up what the hell is wrong with you!?
Hugs S :)
You nailed it! I hit the send button and thought..........why am I worrying about the 24th!? I see that fear is in the way in this situation. Fear of the pain and hurt it will bring to her and myself when we have to ask her to leave......
You are not being harsh sister, you are stating the obvious! Thank you!
One Day at a Time and Keep it Simple are good 'go-to' ones for me. I really have to remind myself to not worry about 'what ifs' as they may/may not happen and even if they do, what's my part/role is a good tool for the program.
I got a call from my oldest yesterday who is trying to finish his degree and is living in an Oxford House. House meetings are on Wednesday eve and he's got a class. He did not realize the conflict until yesterday in spite of the enrollment process, provided class schedules, Christmas break, etc. He wanted to know if he could move in here. No as a complete answer was very, very difficult yet necessary. He moved back last year in January, and one of the conditions was this was the last time....he left in April to experiment with the disease and holding my boundary while detaching is a challenge today but I do know it's the right thing to do for him.
So - looking at my motives - I don't want the insanity that comes when he lives here. We are very opposite (I'm a neat freak, he's not) and I find myself with double the work to keep my house as desired. He falls quickly into the pattern of 'letting mom do it' and it's really not good for either of us. Even with the logical examination of motives and what not, it's still not easy to say No to a child.
If I did not have boundaries and a good sponsor, it would be easier to 'waffle'. Grateful for the program and the tools as that's what carries me when I doubt what I am doing is 'right'....
You got this girl - you got this!
My head was getting in my way big time. And, the thought of "no as a complete sentence" I have never practiced in the area of my A's. I have thought about it. I know it is coming.......there are too many addicted in my family etc..and would be useful to practice in many other areas. There have been times I have used it but........the less intimidating ones... (((IAH))) that had to have been very hard!!
I thank God for all of you, the wisdom and the sharing!
I got so off balance I missed the meeting between worrying about something that hasnt happened yet....getting ready for the dentist and the whole nine yards.
Hugs!!!
I think it is a good idea to try to avoid a respiratory infection.
Generally people get a certain window innwhichbthey van drive their car. It is pretty rare for people to lose their license entirely.
I think it is good to keep a distance. I have not seen my friend who is an alcoholic for months. First because it requires some effort on my part to track her down. Secondly I have been pretty busy taking care of myself.
I know where my friend is go8ng downhill. I hear about it from other people. For once in my life I no longer feel responsible for others. I am putting me first. I think it is incredibly generous if you to give her somewhere to stay in the middle of so many problems.
These days I actively avoid alcoholics. I do celebrate those in recovery. I am thrilled to hear that someone I knew on the periphery has moved away from people who were likely to get her to relapse. There us ak ways a chance for recovery.
The 90 meetings in 90 days maxim is a really good one.
Maresie