Ideas needed to mentally separate AH from the disease
jtpickle said
Jan 16, 2018
Hi Everyone -
Are there any other ideas or suggestions you can give me of how I can mentally separate my AH from this disease? Here's the scenario that plays each night: AH comes home from work, drinks a beer that we can "see" but has already had his vodka or other alcohol of choice by now. He then goes to bed early around 8:30 pm calling me a bi***, sl*t, wh*re, and any other vile words he can come up with at that moment. Fortunately, he's not yelling these words but mumbling them just loud enough that I can hear if I'm in the hallway outside the bedroom. Sometimes it's when he passes me as long as my kiddos aren't around. Of course, I'm also waiting for the day he doesn't know that one of them are nearby and they here him. But that is projecting so I won't go there.
Anyway, I know he's sick. I imagine a the word "sick" stamped across his forehead. Also, this is unacceptable behavior and until he either goes into treatment or I set a specific boundary of "you need to be out by this date....", I"m just dealing with it. I have a few ducks to line up before I can have specific deadlines that I expect him to meet. But the whole sick stamped across his forehead starts to wear off and I just end up mad. I have enough self confidence to know what he says isn't true; he's a very mentally sick man who is self medicating instead of getting help. I've naturally detached at this point for multiple reasons: It's annoying to be treated like this day in and day out and I also know that I don't want my children brought up in this environment plus I'm just annoyed with the whole situation. I love him but I know that I have to take care of myself for my own serenity and because life is too short to be living like this and sacrificing my happiness.
Back to ideas....anyone? What do you tell yourself to get through this? Yes, one day at a time, and all the normal slogans. Those I'm aware of. But I like to hear the catchy, unique ones that will make me smile as I'm thinking of them while the "word vomit" is leaving my AH's mouth.
Thanks for your help!!
SerenityRUS said
Jan 16, 2018
I wish I could remember who said this originally so I could give then direct credit it such with me .. they made the statement when their spouse was in lying mode or verbal vomit mode they pictured blue fog coming out of their spouses mouth and that helped them see the verbal garbage for what it was .. the blue fog was the disease speaking not their spouse. I am truly sorry you are having to deal wth this kind of abuse and I hope you are validating yourself and steeling up your self esteem and self confidence not to believe on any level what he says is true. And far as the kids .. I'm glad you know that's not ok .. they do need to understand that's not how we speak to people we love .. sick or not .. not ok. Hugs s :)
Iamhere said
Jan 17, 2018
When habits were quasi-predictable, I made changes to my schedule in the hopes of not being present for the 'fall-out'. I have a few places I am not followed around here - laundry room, bathroom and I put a lock on my bedroom. As silly as it may sound, I have removed myself from a room, walked to the bedroom and closed/locked the door to skip the insanity. Bubble-bath or shower at the predicted time also removed me from the 'fall-out'.
As far as mental separation, I would chant the serenity prayer over and over and over in my mind/heart. Also, the abbreviated version of Bless Them/Change Me. I needed action always to change my thinking so tons and tons of meetings helped with daily reminders that I was powerless over the disease and others.
I too am sorry you are experiencing this. It's not fun at all and chips away at us. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
Tude said
Jan 17, 2018
I did the same as IAH with my XHAG (gambler) when he was verbally abusive which.........was almost every time he opened his mouth. I stayed busy in meetings, took the kids with me and also was involved in youth in church. It kept them away from the verbal lashing several nights a week. Summer made it much easier due to being able to get out of the house in the evenings. We couldn't have any of their friends over to the house when he was home.
I understand what you mean by getting your ducks in a row. That was a very stressful time for me as well. I went back thinking things would change. Big mistake. Meetings and as much support as I could get while dealing with this "time frame." Be kind to you. I love what Serenity and IAH posted.
(((jtpickle)))
Skorpi said
Jan 17, 2018
I am so sorry you are experiencing this.
I Don't have good visualization for what to do in this situation. When I experienced a similar thing, I set a boundary "Name calling is not ok" and left the room, removing myself from the situation. Of course, in my situation, the name calling was during a conversation and I was expected to hear it and be subdued by it. In your situation, it sounds like the drunken ramblings of someone nearing pass-out stage, so that is different.
I wonder, now that I am typing, maybe picturing him as the sorcerer's apprentice at these times, mumbling things he does not understand or comprehend the meaning of, might help? I don't know, maybe the recent Harry Potter marathon on tv is sticking in my mind, but all I picture when I read your description is someone who thinks they are a sorcerer trying to mumble some spell that isn't working.
hugs
jtpickle said
Jan 18, 2018
Thank you all for your responses - I appreciate it
Hi Everyone -
Are there any other ideas or suggestions you can give me of how I can mentally separate my AH from this disease? Here's the scenario that plays each night: AH comes home from work, drinks a beer that we can "see" but has already had his vodka or other alcohol of choice by now. He then goes to bed early around 8:30 pm calling me a bi***, sl*t, wh*re, and any other vile words he can come up with at that moment. Fortunately, he's not yelling these words but mumbling them just loud enough that I can hear if I'm in the hallway outside the bedroom. Sometimes it's when he passes me as long as my kiddos aren't around. Of course, I'm also waiting for the day he doesn't know that one of them are nearby and they here him. But that is projecting so I won't go there.
Anyway, I know he's sick. I imagine a the word "sick" stamped across his forehead. Also, this is unacceptable behavior and until he either goes into treatment or I set a specific boundary of "you need to be out by this date....", I"m just dealing with it. I have a few ducks to line up before I can have specific deadlines that I expect him to meet. But the whole sick stamped across his forehead starts to wear off and I just end up mad. I have enough self confidence to know what he says isn't true; he's a very mentally sick man who is self medicating instead of getting help. I've naturally detached at this point for multiple reasons: It's annoying to be treated like this day in and day out and I also know that I don't want my children brought up in this environment plus I'm just annoyed with the whole situation. I love him but I know that I have to take care of myself for my own serenity and because life is too short to be living like this and sacrificing my happiness.
Back to ideas....anyone? What do you tell yourself to get through this? Yes, one day at a time, and all the normal slogans. Those I'm aware of. But I like to hear the catchy, unique ones that will make me smile as I'm thinking of them while the "word vomit" is leaving my AH's mouth.
Thanks for your help!!
As far as mental separation, I would chant the serenity prayer over and over and over in my mind/heart. Also, the abbreviated version of Bless Them/Change Me. I needed action always to change my thinking so tons and tons of meetings helped with daily reminders that I was powerless over the disease and others.
I too am sorry you are experiencing this. It's not fun at all and chips away at us. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
I understand what you mean by getting your ducks in a row. That was a very stressful time for me as well. I went back thinking things would change. Big mistake. Meetings and as much support as I could get while dealing with this "time frame." Be kind to you. I love what Serenity and IAH posted.
(((jtpickle)))
I Don't have good visualization for what to do in this situation. When I experienced a similar thing, I set a boundary "Name calling is not ok" and left the room, removing myself from the situation. Of course, in my situation, the name calling was during a conversation and I was expected to hear it and be subdued by it. In your situation, it sounds like the drunken ramblings of someone nearing pass-out stage, so that is different.
I wonder, now that I am typing, maybe picturing him as the sorcerer's apprentice at these times, mumbling things he does not understand or comprehend the meaning of, might help? I don't know, maybe the recent Harry Potter marathon on tv is sticking in my mind, but all I picture when I read your description is someone who thinks they are a sorcerer trying to mumble some spell that isn't working.
hugs
Thank you all for your responses - I appreciate it