without making this too long- I am scared and worried for my adult son... his dad (my ex husband) was/is alcoholic and my son has been in a downward spiral for months now. I am remarried (since my son was 11- he is now 28) but his Dad has painted my husband as the "bad guy" and my son always craved time and attention from his Dad (even now at 28) and only gets the "negative" stuff- how horrible I am, why he should hate his stepdad, etc etc etc. He is drinking daily- heavily. I am honestly worried it is going to kill him. I did make an appointment with a therapist but can't get in for a few weeks... I tried Al-Anon FTF meetings years ago when I was married to my ex- and it just didn't mesh for me- maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance... I guess I am just looking for advice/moral support? Thank you.
hotrod said
Jan 16, 2018
I too worried about an adult son who was in AA for many years and then slipped. I left my 20 year relationship in hopes that he would rejoin AA but nothing that I did worked. He was in many rehabs and detoxs and thanks to alanon, I relearned that I was powerless and to continue to love him though those difficult times
Please do try to give alanon another go
LuvMySun said
Jan 16, 2018
Thank you. Do you think I should go to another F2F group meeting? There is one in my city on Tuesdays that I could try... I was considering going tonight but I feel lousy (getting sick) and just want to go home after work and crawl into bed.
Tude said
Jan 16, 2018
((((Luvmysun))))
I recently came back to alanon after years away. It is the very best decision I have ever made. This is a very healthy, loving group. The battles with our kids are so difficult. I had trouble with my son too. He got into trouble with drugs, the law and yes, was craving the attention of his dad. His dad was not capable of giving it him the attention he needed to the dis-ease of addiction. This was years ago and I know I could not have made it though the trials of that period in time without the help of this program. F2F meetings are always a good idea.
So glad you are here. Keep coming back!
hotrod said
Jan 16, 2018
((Kari)) Go home rest and then find a meeting that you can attend when you are feeling better.-- It will help.
We also have on line meetings here each day that are held in the chat room
Jerry F said
Jan 16, 2018
Welcome to the board Kari and I see where you got best suggestion from hotrod already...."rest and then..." It was suggestions such as this that put me back on a track to sanity when I was actively dealing with the insanity of alcoholism and drug addiction in my family and close relationships including my wives. Today I am a long time member of the Al-Anon Family Groups having had two starts at it myself. I also have an alcoholic/addict 52 year old son who doesn't seem to understand that the way he has decided to live his life including destroying his family is about how best to live his life even as his girlfriend starts to distance herself from him. Alcoholism and drug addiction is madness which is normal as the chemicals are mind and mood altering often resulting in death. The disease is progressive also always getting worse never better and which includes the family and friends.
Rest up and then take your self back into the face to face rooms of Al-Anon and here and keep coming back on a daily basis. In support. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Jan 16, 2018
I too welcome you to MIP Kari - so sorry for what brings you here yet hopeful for you that you are reaching out. I too recommend meetings - F2F when you feel able and online if desired before then. I was not 'thrilled' with my first Al-Anon F2F meeting and had to try different groups to find a home. I also believe I was so stuck in trying to fix, control, change that my mind/brain were not able to hear the suggestions from healthy Al-Anon members.
My vote would be - Yes, absolutely try again!! And keep trying until you find a meeting where you feel home. My life changed only with recovery and it gave me the grace to deal with the disease in my sons. Please keep coming back - sending you some positive thoughts for fast healing!!
SerenityRUS said
Jan 16, 2018
Big hugs and yes online meetings are terrific it's the face to face I get things done in. It helps hold me better accountable.
Keep coming back .. it took a while for me to gel. I was really of the mind set I was different than these people and the reality was it was my arrogance that kept me from realizing that yes .. this is the same .. stories my differ however the core issues were still all there.
Hugs S :)
Maresie said
Jan 16, 2018
I know we talk a great deal here about the consequences of addiction. The other side is that some people.do get sober. This past week.I learned of a woman I know.getting sober. I would not have bet on her getting sober at all. Now she is like a different person and is making very different choices.
For some people they have a low bottom. The woman I know experienced homelessness and jail quite a few times. Her life was incredibly difficult. Out of the blue she.decidex to get sober. It is hard to pinpoint the turning point but one.of them was.her family were willing to keep.their hands off.
I am glad you are reaching out for.support. You dezerve.it.
Maresie
texas yankee said
Jan 16, 2018
Hi - right off, I'm probably a good example of how NOT to do this stuff - I know what I should do, but as of 15 years ago when my son's problem's first manifest themselves (he's 32 now), for the first time in my life, I find myself too weak to do what I know I should do.
I worry about my adult son, too - and my ADHD contributes by giving me plenty of capacity to fill up a lot of my head with my son's "stuff". My HP has shown me over and over and over that my worrying doesn't do anything to make my son's situation any better - in fact, when my worrying ends up providing the justification for me to enable him with a rent payment or a meal card or a car payment or a utilities payment or a lawyer, I just keep interrupting the process of my son hopefully finding his bottom and turning things around - or not - either way, it's not mine to direct someone else's life path - heck, I've screwed up my own life path enough.
Of course there are things that I have learned through trial and error - LOTS of errors - but now knowing these things that I should and shouldn't do doesn't make it any easier for me to follow through and do it, or not do it - for me, this is by far the hardest test I've ever been put to, and honestly, I'm not doing that well at it - it drags my son down, and failing at this effort over and over drags me down as well - but I'm making changes - I pray for God to show me His will for me and give me the power to carry it through (I say the same prayer for my son), and I say the Serenity prayer A LOT - most always focusing just the first part, because I have no problem changing a lot of other things around me ("change the things I can"), and at this point, I have a pretty good sense of what's mine to change and what I need to stay away from - I have a lot of hula hoops hanging on door knobs around my house to give me constant reminders.
Remember, I told ya that I'm a good example of what NOT to do - but there are lots of good folks here that are doing the right stuff - and this stuff works - I've seen countless success stories - so, you're at the right place - take to heart what some of the regulars here suggest, and when you feel that you just can't get through another minute, ask your HP for help.
bud said
Jan 16, 2018
Initially, many years ago, I had a similar experience and thought Alanon was not for me... even after trying a few different meetings.Several years later I returned looking for support as I couldn't find it anywhere else. This time, I heard things differently, I found a sponsor and started working the steps.
Now, I cherish face to face meetings and my online MIP Alanon Family as I continue to grow in this supportive and compassionate environment.
Keep coming back - this program works!
LuvMySun said
Jan 17, 2018
Thank you! I am going to try a meeting.
LuvMySun said
Jan 17, 2018
I would like to try the on line meetings in the chat room. How do I go about that? I am not the most tech savvy girl... :)
hotrod said
Jan 17, 2018
Just click on the Chat room box : www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html when the screen opens move down type in a name you will use in the chat room then press enter
Enjoy
without making this too long- I am scared and worried for my adult son... his dad (my ex husband) was/is alcoholic and my son has been in a downward spiral for months now. I am remarried (since my son was 11- he is now 28) but his Dad has painted my husband as the "bad guy" and my son always craved time and attention from his Dad (even now at 28) and only gets the "negative" stuff- how horrible I am, why he should hate his stepdad, etc etc etc. He is drinking daily- heavily. I am honestly worried it is going to kill him. I did make an appointment with a therapist but can't get in for a few weeks... I tried Al-Anon FTF meetings years ago when I was married to my ex- and it just didn't mesh for me- maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance... I guess I am just looking for advice/moral support? Thank you.
I too worried about an adult son who was in AA for many years and then slipped. I left my 20 year relationship in hopes that he would rejoin AA but nothing that I did worked. He was in many rehabs and detoxs and thanks to alanon, I relearned that I was powerless and to continue to love him though those difficult times
Please do try to give alanon another go
I recently came back to alanon after years away. It is the very best decision I have ever made. This is a very healthy, loving group. The battles with our kids are so difficult. I had trouble with my son too. He got into trouble with drugs, the law and yes, was craving the attention of his dad. His dad was not capable of giving it him the attention he needed to the dis-ease of addiction. This was years ago and I know I could not have made it though the trials of that period in time without the help of this program. F2F meetings are always a good idea.
So glad you are here. Keep coming back!
We also have on line meetings here each day that are held in the chat room
Welcome to the board Kari and I see where you got best suggestion from hotrod already...."rest and then..." It was suggestions such as this that put me back on a track to sanity when I was actively dealing with the insanity of alcoholism and drug addiction in my family and close relationships including my wives. Today I am a long time member of the Al-Anon Family Groups having had two starts at it myself. I also have an alcoholic/addict 52 year old son who doesn't seem to understand that the way he has decided to live his life including destroying his family is about how best to live his life even as his girlfriend starts to distance herself from him. Alcoholism and drug addiction is madness which is normal as the chemicals are mind and mood altering often resulting in death. The disease is progressive also always getting worse never better and which includes the family and friends.
Rest up and then take your self back into the face to face rooms of Al-Anon and here and keep coming back on a daily basis. In support. ((((hugs))))
My vote would be - Yes, absolutely try again!! And keep trying until you find a meeting where you feel home. My life changed only with recovery and it gave me the grace to deal with the disease in my sons. Please keep coming back - sending you some positive thoughts for fast healing!!
Keep coming back .. it took a while for me to gel. I was really of the mind set I was different than these people and the reality was it was my arrogance that kept me from realizing that yes .. this is the same .. stories my differ however the core issues were still all there.
Hugs S :)
I know we talk a great deal here about the consequences of addiction. The other side is that some people.do get sober. This past week.I learned of a woman I know.getting sober. I would not have bet on her getting sober at all. Now she is like a different person and is making very different choices.
For some people they have a low bottom. The woman I know experienced homelessness and jail quite a few times. Her life was incredibly difficult. Out of the blue she.decidex to get sober. It is hard to pinpoint the turning point but one.of them was.her family were willing to keep.their hands off.
I am glad you are reaching out for.support. You dezerve.it.
Maresie
Hi - right off, I'm probably a good example of how NOT to do this stuff - I know what I should do, but as of 15 years ago when my son's problem's first manifest themselves (he's 32 now), for the first time in my life, I find myself too weak to do what I know I should do.
I worry about my adult son, too - and my ADHD contributes by giving me plenty of capacity to fill up a lot of my head with my son's "stuff". My HP has shown me over and over and over that my worrying doesn't do anything to make my son's situation any better - in fact, when my worrying ends up providing the justification for me to enable him with a rent payment or a meal card or a car payment or a utilities payment or a lawyer, I just keep interrupting the process of my son hopefully finding his bottom and turning things around - or not - either way, it's not mine to direct someone else's life path - heck, I've screwed up my own life path enough.
Of course there are things that I have learned through trial and error - LOTS of errors - but now knowing these things that I should and shouldn't do doesn't make it any easier for me to follow through and do it, or not do it - for me, this is by far the hardest test I've ever been put to, and honestly, I'm not doing that well at it - it drags my son down, and failing at this effort over and over drags me down as well - but I'm making changes - I pray for God to show me His will for me and give me the power to carry it through (I say the same prayer for my son), and I say the Serenity prayer A LOT - most always focusing just the first part, because I have no problem changing a lot of other things around me ("change the things I can"), and at this point, I have a pretty good sense of what's mine to change and what I need to stay away from - I have a lot of hula hoops hanging on door knobs around my house to give me constant reminders.
Remember, I told ya that I'm a good example of what NOT to do - but there are lots of good folks here that are doing the right stuff - and this stuff works - I've seen countless success stories - so, you're at the right place - take to heart what some of the regulars here suggest, and when you feel that you just can't get through another minute, ask your HP for help.
Now, I cherish face to face meetings and my online MIP Alanon Family as I continue to grow in this supportive and compassionate environment.
Keep coming back - this program works!
Thank you! I am going to try a meeting.
I would like to try the on line meetings in the chat room. How do I go about that? I am not the most tech savvy girl... :)
Enjoy