A year ago, I saw Valentines Day fast approaching at a time my son was about to graduate.   Now in his early 30s, I thought the time had FINALLY come for him to commit to his long-time, live-in girlfriend, who had followed him and his long academic career while making a happy home for them both.   To me, it looked like "the next right thing" for them...

... and knowing my son so very well, how he kinda "comes up short" on making any future plans... unable to make decisions...  been like this since childhood.... and as his mother, I felt responsible for this shortcoming.... poor kid grew up in an alcoholic home...

So I made plans for him!!! 

When I shared my thoughts with him, he fell into immediate agreement and rushed off to the jewelry store that very day.   I was thrilled to be getting photo texts of various rings, and helping him decide... it was so much FUN!   Later, I provided a perfect idea for proposing!

The next morning, I got a text.  He couldn't sleep that night.  He felt confused.  Long story short, he took the ring back.

I'm not really a slow learner, friends, I'm a real fast forgetter....

Forgetting all the times I had gotten involved in his adult life... like when he wanted to be a vegetarian, I began creating menus for him, having shipments sent...  another time, he wanted to follow my spiritual path...  sending him books...  putting more effort into his plan than he was.

Unable to see myself...  how I can actually cripple him... all done in the name of "love"... wanting to protect him from the pain of being a full-fledged adult... doing for him what he should (and could!) be doing for himself ... allowing him to make decisions and mistakes... or permitting him to change his mind if he so chooses...  which is what he often did.

Leaving ME with resentment over all the "wasted" time and money. 

We went through a period when he stopped confiding in me at all.  Suddenly all he had to tell me was, "Everything is good... it's all good... yep, yep...  nothing but good, good, good here...."   

which REALLY pissed me off.

I was driving to the airport to pick him up once and suddenly became very anxious.  I called my sponsor, telling her I feared that my son would fall into his old ways, telling me about all his problems... and I would fall into mine, giving him solutions he's not asking for... which promptly ends all communication between us... harm, harm, harm!

I told my sponsor, "I feel like I need to make a quick stop for duct tape!!!"   I'll never forget what she said,

"You don't need duct tape.  You just need to remember what it was like to be in your 20s...  how confusing it is... how much pressure and responsibility is on your shoulders...  remember all the stupid stuff you did... could your parents convince you it was stupid???  No, you had to make your own mistakes because it's the only way most of us can learn...."   

She suggested, "When he tells you his problems, just think to yourself,  "my poor baby...   my poor, poor baby..."  

I have noticed that when I practice "reflective listening" with him, my son feels loved and empowered and respected... I am no longer enabling him to be dependent upon ME!  We talk now more than ever, which is affirmation to me that I'm on the right path now.... despite my feelings about how he's living his life. 

Another Valentine's Day is approaching.... my son and his girlfriend are still together.... jewelry ads are popping up everywhere... old ideas are popping into my head again....

I am so grateful for The Steps that show me the street I've gone down over and over...  and all the potholes I kept falling into again and again...   

This year, I will be walking down a different street, wooHOoo      

Thank you for listening!

 Oh what a great share 2hp...

                                            building castles in the air- for other people!!!

Our son is 30 now... and in a partner situation... doing well and helping to raise a step-daughter...

the turning point for me- I stepped up when my SO first balked at this relationship. I had a soft voice-

not angry at all and said- "you had a six-year old when I met you!" Away laughing after that she was.

But firm commitment, even to a 40 year career job eludes him... and yes times have changed- it always does.

My forgetter never used to work at all. I was brim full of old stuff. Slowly, but slowly the soils in my mind became workable and friable- instead of being hard and not retentive of moisture...

...what Alanon give me is a change to "adult". it took me me while to learn this... ...simply to talk about stuff...

something some people take for granted... thanks ma'am for the chance to do this... practise... ...

GOOD to know Im not alone

Quick update, my son texted this morning to invite me to come visit them in a month.

One of my very first thoughts was about which relationship books to pack up for them to borrow..!!!

Yep. my mind still goes there....

...my mind keeps re-minding me of stuff.

I'm grateful Al-Anon taught me I am powerless over my brain, simply cannot stop my brain from doing it's job of thinking.

However, I don't have to BELIEVE everything my brain thinks (or otherwise let my brain run my life.) I was taught... that because I have been affected by insanity, I should always question my first thought (and sometimes my second, lol)

my thoughts of "helping" don't actually stem from my great "love" for my son, although I've always enjoyed explaining it as such which only justified and enabled me to continue "loving" in my smothering way. My daughter once said to me, "Please don't love me so hard."

Tears spray from my eyes when I dwell too long on my sorrow for not staying with Al-Anon 20 years earlier. instead, my kids got the relationship conditioning they did by the example set by an alcoholic dad and crazy codependent mom...

So FEAR popped up again today, the desire to get in there and prevent suffering, to take care of and protect everyone because.... I don't always trust God for the really BIG jobs.

Thank you for letting me share again. Once again, I will practice a life of Recovery... back up, back up.... Let to, Let go.... practice getting stronger in detachment, rather than delusions getting stronger.

I too have a 30 yr old son, and I look forward to the day of that invitation to visit! Lucky you....enjoy Linsc

I had a deep resentment of my parents setting me up.for so much difficulty. Like a lot of people I did the comparison trip.  I compared my neglected abusive childhood to others and always cane up as the worst. There was something very rewarding about having a scale for a long long time. 

Whatever our childhood has been we all have challenges. I look.at some of the college athletes I know whose parents travel to their games.  I know they certainly have issues too. 

 I don't believe anyone survives childhood Scott free.  Everyone is going to have issues.  I had huge issues about what I was supposed to be by a certain age.  I don't have them anymore and I had to g8ve up the comparisons because I don't really know what it was for anyone else. 

My conditioning to feel I needed to take care of others began as a child.  I no longer refer to it as #sick#  The codependent nehavior didn't start with an alcoholic partner.  The roots were far deeper than that.  When I can trace it back to a small child who was trying to survive I can no longer beat myself up for it. 

 I know it was there long before I even encountered a romantoc thought. 

My own self care is one if my biggest issues.  Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist. I have to put in a fail safe plan so I make sure I go.   It is a massive undertaking for  bs to really put in place a way of living that is comfortable for myself.  I could organize other people's lives so passionately finding that same #juice# for myself was difficult. 

While your son's issues are certainly really relevant. I would like to hear more about hiuw you take care of yourself day to day. . I would have many many issues about visiting anyone for even a few days. I would have to create a lot of plan b's for myself.  I have done my share of hoping for the best visits.  For me anything remotely to do with family is very triggering.   I manage those interactions pretty well but I have a great deal of limits. 

I hope you choose to stick around in al anon.  The program is a hard one with a lot of commitment.  I really disagreed with everything about it for a long time.  Now I see a great deal if wisdom in so much if it.