I have been working hard on my recovery. I have been doing a lot of processing and its been so hard. I had a break down yesterday. I had not had been grocery shopping for awhile as it reminds me of the alcoholic. Well, yesterday I finally faced my fear and got groceries. Well, that was a trigger big time. I got in my car and cried and cried. I got triggered as I always loved to get groceries to make meals for the alcoholic and my daughter. Now that the alcoholic is out of the home, my heart just breaks. I have had to remind myself what he did to me, assaulted me and court is still pending. I have has the neighbor come and get his computer and a jacket he had requested. Yesterday, he sent a text to my daughter cell phone, asking for his computer. He has lost his mind completely. I feel stronger yet still very fearful of him. I have been in domestic violence group and it has been helping me a lot. Being around other woman with similar issues makes a huge difference. I am still trying to heal and I do not not know what the future holds. Court is this upcoming week again and I spoke with a social worker at the group that deals with the police on DV cases and she said I do not have to attend court unless its for trial and he has to deal with the charge himself. I have some relief as I do not want to see or hear from him. I however, think I wonder what he is doing. I know, still using alcohol. That is what he is doing and its out of my hands. There is nothing I can do or say. He knows what he has to do. He was in AA before and knows and if he refuse to get help, there is nothing I can do. There still remains the house issue to be addressed. I have title on the house with him and my daughter and I are still here. We are paying for the mortgage and the house bills and managing. We are doing Ok. Its great having a peaceful home. Just love it.
Friday night, I cleaned out all his stuff, clothes, jackets, and pictures in the house, that I did not like of his and got rid of them. I put them all in the garage and put all his clothes in the master bedroom closet, so I do not have to see them. I screamed and yelled as I threw these things in the garage and journaled all the pain I felt. I so wanted to throw all his stuff in the garbage, where he too belongs. I wanted so bad to just throw all his personal belongings in the garbage and just be done, completely done with him. I feel like I am just on edge, waiting, waiting and there is no closure and its so hard. I just want closure, to move forward, to get on with my life and be done with him, and never have to see or hear from him again. I am trying to live my life, focus on me and doing the next right thing. I keep thinking, one step at a time, one step at a time. Your moving forward. Just be patient and see what happens with court. I just do not want him back in my life. No more. I am so done, for good.
I have been praying a lot and trying hard to stay strong. I find I am lonely and that is ok. It just reminds me I have to get busy and focus on my recovery. I am a keep busy person and need to keep focused on something and right now I know I am going through transition and I have to be patient with myself and be ok with it. I am sick and waiting on surgery too. I am just grateful beyond words for the quite and sanity in the home. I am so grateful to come home and not be afraid to see him drunk and talking to himself and going insane on me. I am so grateful. I just need closure now and move on.
Thanks for letting me share.
Iamhere said
Jan 14, 2018
Joker - continued positive thoughts and prayers your way....sounds like you are moving forward and that's what recovery is about!
hotrod said
Jan 14, 2018
((Joker)) thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You are not alone.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
AnnieFenk321 said
Jan 14, 2018
((Joker)) you are not alone.
I am also packing up my husband's things now, for different reasons. I too wish I could just dump it sometimes. Like, why do I have to look after all this crap he left behind. I feel a lot of self pity - like why do I have to deal with this crap, he's the one who...blah blah blah.
I also identify with what you wrote about having hard feelings about your AH at the grocery store. The other day I also noticed how strange it is to be shopping just for me, and how I feel nostalgic for those shared daily rituals.
Hope things continue to go well for you and your daughter. Sending hugs.
Aline said
Jan 14, 2018
You are doing great, joker! Like you wrote, recovery takes time, something I remind myself too... (((((Hugs)))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 14, 2018
Hang on, Joker... it does get better. Sounds like you working through the hard stuff. Keep sharing. We are here for you!
2HP said
Jan 14, 2018
You are doing great (((joker))) just KNOWING that you deserve only good things, makes me feel grateful to your Higher Power!
Once I knew there was no turning back (if I wanted to go forward)... what helped me (one day at a time) was whenever thoughts of him just popped into my head, I'd STOP those thoughts and begin repeating,
"I release you to the Spirit," is what I would say but use whatever works for YOU
For me, there had to be a boundary on my own thinking because otherwise my mind would run my life and make me feel miserable all the time. Allowing myself to ruminate on old stories again and again...... the emotions follow and soon... I was being swallowed up by sorrow.
Over and over, I would repeat,
"I release you..."
"I release you...."
(((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 14th of January 2018 08:29:29 PM
Jerry F said
Jan 14, 2018
Sister might you want to do all that with a sponsor who understands what it is like and what you are going thru. I know for me having company on my journey was gold. Keep coming back...In support ((((hugs))))
bud said
Jan 14, 2018
Thank you for sharing. I remember going through this too and the bitter-sweet relief when my A was finally out of the house. It's normal for new routines to feel unsettling - I tend to get so attached to everything to a ridiculous degree - please know you're not alone.
Tude said
Jan 16, 2018
(((Joker))) I just want to say how glad I am you are here. What you shared sounds so health compared to the way I handled it almost 10 years ago. The feelings do get better, we get better with the help of this program. I could not look back and think of one good time/good memory at all. It was clouded by anger and resentment. I can now think of one good memory......in the midst of the abuse, before I left....I only saw me as the bad person for leaving and hated him with a passion for having a disease he never got help for.
That would not have been so had I stayed in and worked the program in alanon as you are doing. Today it's all good. I have peace about it all. I know that he has a disease and I am not the one that ever could have changed it. I did try off and on between my own programs for 23 years. It went ok as long as I worked on me........but when it became more abusive......is when I stopped my support, and left. Big mistake. I got angry and thought I didn't need the support. I allowed so much guilt, shame and all the negative junk to come in. I'm so grateful for this program and everyone in it today!
I have been working hard on my recovery. I have been doing a lot of processing and its been so hard. I had a break down yesterday. I had not had been grocery shopping for awhile as it reminds me of the alcoholic. Well, yesterday I finally faced my fear and got groceries. Well, that was a trigger big time. I got in my car and cried and cried. I got triggered as I always loved to get groceries to make meals for the alcoholic and my daughter. Now that the alcoholic is out of the home, my heart just breaks. I have had to remind myself what he did to me, assaulted me and court is still pending. I have has the neighbor come and get his computer and a jacket he had requested. Yesterday, he sent a text to my daughter cell phone, asking for his computer. He has lost his mind completely. I feel stronger yet still very fearful of him. I have been in domestic violence group and it has been helping me a lot. Being around other woman with similar issues makes a huge difference. I am still trying to heal and I do not not know what the future holds. Court is this upcoming week again and I spoke with a social worker at the group that deals with the police on DV cases and she said I do not have to attend court unless its for trial and he has to deal with the charge himself. I have some relief as I do not want to see or hear from him. I however, think I wonder what he is doing. I know, still using alcohol. That is what he is doing and its out of my hands. There is nothing I can do or say. He knows what he has to do. He was in AA before and knows and if he refuse to get help, there is nothing I can do. There still remains the house issue to be addressed. I have title on the house with him and my daughter and I are still here. We are paying for the mortgage and the house bills and managing. We are doing Ok. Its great having a peaceful home. Just love it.
Friday night, I cleaned out all his stuff, clothes, jackets, and pictures in the house, that I did not like of his and got rid of them. I put them all in the garage and put all his clothes in the master bedroom closet, so I do not have to see them. I screamed and yelled as I threw these things in the garage and journaled all the pain I felt. I so wanted to throw all his stuff in the garbage, where he too belongs. I wanted so bad to just throw all his personal belongings in the garbage and just be done, completely done with him. I feel like I am just on edge, waiting, waiting and there is no closure and its so hard. I just want closure, to move forward, to get on with my life and be done with him, and never have to see or hear from him again. I am trying to live my life, focus on me and doing the next right thing. I keep thinking, one step at a time, one step at a time. Your moving forward. Just be patient and see what happens with court. I just do not want him back in my life. No more. I am so done, for good.
I have been praying a lot and trying hard to stay strong. I find I am lonely and that is ok. It just reminds me I have to get busy and focus on my recovery. I am a keep busy person and need to keep focused on something and right now I know I am going through transition and I have to be patient with myself and be ok with it. I am sick and waiting on surgery too. I am just grateful beyond words for the quite and sanity in the home. I am so grateful to come home and not be afraid to see him drunk and talking to himself and going insane on me. I am so grateful. I just need closure now and move on.
Thanks for letting me share.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
I am also packing up my husband's things now, for different reasons. I too wish I could just dump it sometimes. Like, why do I have to look after all this crap he left behind. I feel a lot of self pity - like why do I have to deal with this crap, he's the one who...blah blah blah.
I also identify with what you wrote about having hard feelings about your AH at the grocery store. The other day I also noticed how strange it is to be shopping just for me, and how I feel nostalgic for those shared daily rituals.
Hope things continue to go well for you and your daughter. Sending hugs.
You are doing great (((joker))) just KNOWING that you deserve only good things, makes me feel grateful to your Higher Power!
Once I knew there was no turning back (if I wanted to go forward)... what helped me (one day at a time) was whenever thoughts of him just popped into my head, I'd STOP those thoughts and begin repeating,
"I release you to the Spirit," is what I would say but use whatever works for YOU
For me, there had to be a boundary on my own thinking because otherwise my mind would run my life and make me feel miserable all the time. Allowing myself to ruminate on old stories again and again...... the emotions follow and soon... I was being swallowed up by sorrow.
Over and over, I would repeat,
"I release you..."
"I release you...."
(((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 14th of January 2018 08:29:29 PM
Sister might you want to do all that with a sponsor who understands what it is like and what you are going thru. I know for me having company on my journey was gold. Keep coming back...In support ((((hugs))))
That would not have been so had I stayed in and worked the program in alanon as you are doing. Today it's all good. I have peace about it all. I know that he has a disease and I am not the one that ever could have changed it. I did try off and on between my own programs for 23 years. It went ok as long as I worked on me........but when it became more abusive......is when I stopped my support, and left. Big mistake. I got angry and thought I didn't need the support. I allowed so much guilt, shame and all the negative junk to come in. I'm so grateful for this program and everyone in it today!