Last night A EX-BF came round without announcement and wanted to dry out here. I asked my parents to come over because I dind't want my first weekend alone to be alone, so there was nowhere for him to sleep. He was lost and scared and breaking and I had to turn him round to send him back to his hotel. I know that he will have to try to withdraw on his own which he'll probably find too hard - in an environment where there is alcohol readily available. His mum was going to delay her holiday to stay with him but I don't know if she did. I think she was trying to encourage me to stay with him. But as I said to him (he was reasonably coherent, even though drunk) that I have no mental reserves left to support him with. And that I would be angry and that's not a good environment to be withdrawing in. I know that if he continued with the withdrawal he will probably end up in hospital again. And that he would be all alone. BUt I still had to turn him round and send him away.
So I'm struggling with a lot of guilt today (logic is fighting back saying that this might be the best thing for him, that he needs to learn that he can't always rely on me and drain my energy and take everything from me, and that I've been lost and alone while he's been out drinking and that was never a consideration for him) and sadness (I still love him, I don't want to break up with him because when he's sober, we get on so well and have fun but the fun left a long time ago and hasn't come back, and sad that he's wasting his life like this) and fear - I haven't heard from him all day or his mum so I don't know what's going on and logic says I need to protect myself and let him be an adult and responsible for himself, I am not responsible for him. I"m scared he'll do something stupid. I'm scared of what will become of him.
So yeah, lots of big emotions today and lots of emotion verses logic battles inside me. Just trying to get through today hour by hour. Accepting what I can't change. Changing what I can. And distracting from the rest.
Thanks for listening.
SerenityRUS said
Jan 13, 2018
Big hugs .. these are horrible situations to be in and I'm so sorry for all parties involved because of the unknowns. I encourage you to pray .. give him .. you .. the situation over to your higher power. What I learned about me is I can love someone to death .. it will be at a slower rate than the disease will take them however I mange to kill two people and honestly it's selfish on my part to interfere with the other persons life lesson/s because they make me emotionally uncomfortable. That is not to say sometimes tragedy doesn't happen .. those are not my choices for my loved ones. With the situation with my oldest at the moment .. He's fully aware of what he needs to do to be successful in school .. if he chooses to continue the path of last semester he's not going to be successful. I did my part. I will not step in again. Sometimes the only place to start is a total reboot. It sounds like if your x reaches out he will find it .. you aren't qualified ... He needs people who have been there done that .. it's your turn to treasure yourself and get well. Big hugs .. this too shall pass. S :)
hotrod said
Jan 13, 2018
((Mizz)) this is indeed a dreadful disease . Hospitals do provide safe detoxs so if you hear from him again, I would suggest he call AA inter group ( who helped my husband obtain admission to an area hospital.) Prayers on the way
Iamhere said
Jan 13, 2018
Sending positive thought and prayers your way MizzB. Our area actually has an ADC (Adult Detox Center) funded and staffed by the county....what Betty suggests is spot on - when he's truly ready for help, he will reach out to those best equipped to help him. Be gentle with you and enjoy your parents visit!
Maresie said
Jan 17, 2018
I know someone who worked at a detox center. They are pretty strict about show up times. The program was pretty rigid. Nevertheless many people from there went on to programs.
Personally I think it is fruitless to try to impress on an alcohol8c that you have needs. They understand No but not much else. Obsession is a pretty hard wall to break through
I no longer feel guilty about not being there for any alcoholic. That is because for once I am prepared to put me first.
In addition I know it is not reciprocal. I want a relationship with someone who is capable of being reciprocal. I dont want to ve the one who has to #give# There should be giving on both parts.
I deserve it .
I think it is great you have someone at your house so you can back up the # no#.
There is a lot if support in AA for people. First of all generally there are a lot if meetings. In general they have a hot line. .
Then there is a whole group of people in AA who are happy to welcome a newcomer. There is a suggestion in AA to try to make 90 meetings in 90 days. That is a good idea.
Letting go of the alcoholic and letting then cultivate a recovery circle is very hard. I know I had a big thing about being central in someone's life. There days I no longer want that but There was something very fulfilling for me in needing to be needed. .
In some ways I had to experience a withdrawal from being central to someone's life. I had to get very busy in order not to have a chance to think too much about the alcoholic (the now ex alcoholic). I know it is not necessary to feel guilty any more
Last night A EX-BF came round without announcement and wanted to dry out here. I asked my parents to come over because I dind't want my first weekend alone to be alone, so there was nowhere for him to sleep. He was lost and scared and breaking and I had to turn him round to send him back to his hotel. I know that he will have to try to withdraw on his own which he'll probably find too hard - in an environment where there is alcohol readily available. His mum was going to delay her holiday to stay with him but I don't know if she did. I think she was trying to encourage me to stay with him. But as I said to him (he was reasonably coherent, even though drunk) that I have no mental reserves left to support him with. And that I would be angry and that's not a good environment to be withdrawing in. I know that if he continued with the withdrawal he will probably end up in hospital again. And that he would be all alone. BUt I still had to turn him round and send him away.
So I'm struggling with a lot of guilt today (logic is fighting back saying that this might be the best thing for him, that he needs to learn that he can't always rely on me and drain my energy and take everything from me, and that I've been lost and alone while he's been out drinking and that was never a consideration for him) and sadness (I still love him, I don't want to break up with him because when he's sober, we get on so well and have fun but the fun left a long time ago and hasn't come back, and sad that he's wasting his life like this) and fear - I haven't heard from him all day or his mum so I don't know what's going on and logic says I need to protect myself and let him be an adult and responsible for himself, I am not responsible for him. I"m scared he'll do something stupid. I'm scared of what will become of him.
So yeah, lots of big emotions today and lots of emotion verses logic battles inside me. Just trying to get through today hour by hour. Accepting what I can't change. Changing what I can. And distracting from the rest.
Thanks for listening.
I know someone who worked at a detox center. They are pretty strict about show up times. The program was pretty rigid. Nevertheless many people from there went on to programs.
Personally I think it is fruitless to try to impress on an alcohol8c that you have needs. They understand No but not much else. Obsession is a pretty hard wall to break through
I no longer feel guilty about not being there for any alcoholic. That is because for once I am prepared to put me first.
In addition I know it is not reciprocal. I want a relationship with someone who is capable of being reciprocal. I dont want to ve the one who has to #give# There should be giving on both parts.
I deserve it .
I think it is great you have someone at your house so you can back up the # no#.
There is a lot if support in AA for people. First of all generally there are a lot if meetings. In general they have a hot line. .
Then there is a whole group of people in AA who are happy to welcome a newcomer. There is a suggestion in AA to try to make 90 meetings in 90 days. That is a good idea.
Letting go of the alcoholic and letting then cultivate a recovery circle is very hard. I know I had a big thing about being central in someone's life. There days I no longer want that but There was something very fulfilling for me in needing to be needed. .
In some ways I had to experience a withdrawal from being central to someone's life. I had to get very busy in order not to have a chance to think too much about the alcoholic (the now ex alcoholic). I know it is not necessary to feel guilty any more