AH and I have been up and down the last few days. Part of it was me, part of it was him. Iām new to this way of life too and heās not the only one struggling with his choice to stop drinking. Iām grateful heās come to this point - finally, after years of praying, of hoping, of dreaming - weāve finally taken the first hard step out of it. But thereās still a long way to go and a lot of crap to wade through. One of the issues Iām having a hard time of is control. Iāve done well in some areas - learning to stop worrying about what tomorrow might bring as far as his drinking goes and letting him resolve his emotional conflicts on his own without trying to make things ok for him. But some things Iām having a harder time with. Our finances have always been a hot point for me. AH knows Iām better with them, I know Iām better with them, and so from the beginning Iāve handled it all. Weāve never had any issues and while there are times where things were tighter than I liked, weāve always managed. We have a nice home, we manage to take vacations, and all of our needs and most of our wants are met. But controlling it has often brought a huge amount of stress and conflict because he LOVES to spend money. Iāve often had to tell him no to something which leads to an argument because he REALLY, REALLY wants x,y,z. So I try to get him to sit down to go over finances so heāll understand why itās not a smart financial move. Which he doesnāt want to do which leads to him ranting about how all I ever do is worry about money, and on and on. We never get anywhere, so Iāve stopped trying to explain it to him. And over the last few months, Iāve said very little to him about it. He spends and I figure out how to make it work. As of today, Iāve decided to let it go. Iāve done what I can do. The reason? Heās been looking at getting a classic car for one of our daughters. Through a series of unintended events, we bought one for our other daughter so AH feels like the other one must have one too. Heās going to an auction today in hopes of getting one. He hasnāt even called the bank to see if we can have a loan. Heās just assuming that they will because we have excellent credit and heās a high wage earner. But because he refuses to ever really discuss finances, he has no clue how lean things are right now. So, Iām not confident that they will cover us on it. I tried to tell him in a matter of fact way that he should call and discuss it with our bank first (I told him I wasnāt doing it this time - if he wanted to do this, he would need to handle it all). But he hasnāt. I had a knot in my stomach this morning as he walked out of the door just thinking of what might happen. If the bank covers us, we may very well have a brand spanking new $30k loan on an old classic car. And I have no idea how to make that work with our budget. If they donāt, how will we fix the fact that we have a car that we have no way of paying for? And then I realized - regardless of how it goes, itās not how wil WE fix it. Itās how HE will fix it. It will impact me financially either way but itās not mine to deal with. If he gets us into a mess, heās going to need to figure out how to get us out. And now, miraculously, the knot is gone.
hotrod said
Jan 13, 2018
((Twinkles)) thanks for sharing your process here. Iit does work when we work it.
Good job great slogan :)
SerenityRUS said
Jan 13, 2018
I'm all about letting it go however there is a caveat to that statement .. that is .. I take care of me first. So while someone else is free to do what they want to do .. the bills still get paid first, I can take care of me, and whatever they choose to do is on them. I do not let go knowing the direct impact on me. Meaning .. I don't have to stand in a lightening storm and someone else hands me a kite with a wire attached .. I have learned I'm going to get hurt. That's not letting go that's allowing someone else to make me a victim to basically my own stupidity .. I apologize not meant as an offense .. it is meant as .. hey I made mistakes I was young and dumb and today I am old and dumb from time to time .. I still learn from that.
I truly hope you can let go and let God with all of this in terms of you don't know the outcome your HP does. Worrying never moved a rock or rocked a chair.
The last week for me has been spent fretting and worrying over what will or won't happen with my kids schooling .. guess what .. all of that garbage I did with the worry and so on .. there was zero need for it .. because .. it all worked out. Maybe a little to good as far as I'm concerned however it is what it is.
Allowing someone else to harm me is NOT ok .. that means .. they can be homeless .. I am not. That will not be my issue to bear.
So I truly encourage you to have that plan ABC, have a small fund for you set aside so YOU know you have a place to live and I encourage ALL people who are dependent on a sig other financially to do so .. it is part of self care. You take care of the home, bills and so on with NO income in terms of being let go from your job. As I explained to the judge I fired my X spouse and yet I can't help that he has issues with the fact he doesn't like the severance package. NOT MY PROBLEM. I was left with ZERO .. and I promise you with 2 minor kids at the time it was awful, scary and talk about worrying about money. I never knew if I had a place or not.
BIG hugs .. it does get better .. however it's not an easy path.
S :)
Twinkies said
Jan 13, 2018
SerenityRUS - I appreciate your thoughts on this. I should have made it clear that I do have confidence in my ability to make it out of the mess should he get us into one. But it doesnāt include cleaning UP the mess. I have access to some money and a place to go if it comes to that. I wonāt be penniless or homeless. And Iām at the point where itās really out of my control at this point beyond those two things. Fighting with him about it doesnāt work and so I have to see where the chips on this one fall and move forward from there. Having said that, itās not that I just donāt care or am unconcerned, but rather that Iām not going to let those fears control me. Iām done making myself sick over things like this. Facing uncertainty head on is better than carrying it on my back while trying to ignore it.
Twinkies said
Jan 13, 2018
Update: Weāll, it appears AH did take my advice and contact the bank this morning. Iām glad he took my suggestion and apparently he did it without feeling any frustration toward me or accusing me of being obsessed with our finances. I stated it matter of factly and he was able to hear me, at least on this point - so, thatās good, right? Anyway, they took some information over the phone and he was immediately approved. While I still wish he wouldnāt do this at least I know that the bank thinks we can handle the extra burden. And if it strains us too much, then Iām fully prepared to hand over the financial reigns and let him figure out how to manage everything. I do have access to some money and I can get out before it ruins me if I need to. I do have to say though that as I think about it more clearly, so long as he stays sober and continues not smoking (another thing he gave up when he gave up the alcohol) thereās really no reason that we should have any financial problems because of this. The money he spent on those two things alone will cover the payment on the loan. Itās not how I would choose to use that āextraā money, but peace is more important to me right now and letting it go brings me that.
hotrod said
Jan 13, 2018
Good work and good news
SerenityRUS said
Jan 13, 2018
Good on you .. that's a great start to letting go. Hugs s :)
Iamhere said
Jan 13, 2018
Progress is such a sweet event to witness - keep working it girl....looks great on you!!
The1975jen said
Jan 15, 2018
Good job working your program. Finances are a huge thing with me, i get it!
Tude said
Jan 16, 2018
What a great share Twinkies!
Maresie said
Jan 16, 2018
The ex.A.wzs.a.spender and reckless. He got both of us in a mess. He didn't figure out how to get out of it.
I had to deal with the after.ath of that mess for years.
Nothing could have said to him would have made.any difference. I almost went to the point if.no return with him and his recklessness.
There is a part of alcoholism that involves recklessness. That is why there are.DUI arrests.
The issue for.me.was that when.I.observed all.thst recklnessness.I.had to acknowledge there was no partnership.
The ex.A.continues to rely on others to help.him. I don't think I was fully aware of that when I met him. He always had some long saga about how things had crept up on him. The other thing was he always blamed others. I seriously doubt any of that changed either.
Maresie
MaggieRuth said
Jan 17, 2018
Hi twinkies :) before I came to f2f Alanon groups managing all the financials everything's because he wouldn't was becoming like a huge snowball that I was carrying on my shoulders down a mountain while an avalanche of reality was headed for me. Although I had a lot of money premarital my AH spouse managed to spend it on other things he felt was important because he too refused to discuss the bills or manage any of his financial responsibilities. For me a few things happened over the course of a few months with prayer that helped me to make boundaries that worked for me; he had his income and I had mine so split bills down the middle.
Some of my drawing point in the sand have been not paying for cars he said he would that my name was on. Manipulation of a bank teller for refinancing as I refused to be on his car payment anymore has lead to my name still on the car: signed a gift form with DMV and AH spouse said that's not necessary. So I told that lender whether or not they broke the law which I think they have that is his car so collect it if he doesn't pay. I have since locked my credit down with all four credit bureaus (Experian,Equifax, Transunion, Innovis). , as we ran out of money in the accounts and maxed my credit card he tried to get personal loans in my his name to supply his drinking and all other addictions. I'm new in Alan on and relate to wanting to give up as myAH ought to know he has put us in dire straights and his bad credit going down the tube no one trusts him so he blames me now.
I'm learning this is a disease and I need to know about it and protect myself with boundaries that work for my children and myself as that's just wise ODAT and I can make choices that honor my children and myself :) Also his denial and blame and judgement and inability to even admit that he drinks plus other stuff is not my business. I thought the same you had too I'll be able to get myself out of his crazy choices .... thing is with all the lies and activities my AH has engaged in behind the scenes how scary to think my thinking actually played a part in how we became displaced plus my boundaries of not wanting the children around any of his stinking behavior as I will not lie for him to no one! We were without health insurance while mid pregnancy because we couldn't afford it and with family and friends who just couldn't respect my decision to not return leaned on spiritual help from anyone who understands alcoholics and addictions who supports my boundaries. Even if that means he lashes out and blames me and twists things around at me. Being away from husbands denied hidden alcoholism & his insanity showed me on so many levels how crazy things had become & what I couldn't control.
Alanon had so many tools I'm excited most days to learn what I can to improve me. Can't wait for him anymore for anything as I've heard He showed me who he was and I believe him and Don't shop for a loaf of bread at a hardware store. My AH has to see his own actions and inactions have consequences- I'll stand on the shore and pray and watch as going we will all drown. Keeping my side of the street clean helps to not make more resentments for me as I'm doing my best with each decis and fin I make a mistake that's ok forgive myself and learn from them. I need to have the same compassion for myself as I have for him ...... my husband has a disease which is in full force so he appears to be a functional drinker to outsiders. The reality is behind closed doors and any financial emotional verbal abuse. Not often talked about but there's it is which progressed too. There is hope in the Alanon program. :)
Last year was crazy and even though I spoke up and kept making boundaries he continued on and still is doing whatever and I mean whatever he likes with my name attached or not because we are married he can't borrow anymore so I'm happy about that :) please ask around for ESH for seems when they are in the never ending pit of doom we forget we chose to bethere and we can still love them and stand on the shore of hope for our selfs - feels foreign and uncomfortable but totally live able. All I can say is I was told to Keep going to Alanon as it's helped me and I'm growing slowly. Big hugs :)
-- Edited by MaggieRuth on Wednesday 17th of January 2018 11:57:40 AM
Good job great slogan :)
I truly hope you can let go and let God with all of this in terms of you don't know the outcome your HP does. Worrying never moved a rock or rocked a chair.
The last week for me has been spent fretting and worrying over what will or won't happen with my kids schooling .. guess what .. all of that garbage I did with the worry and so on .. there was zero need for it .. because .. it all worked out. Maybe a little to good as far as I'm concerned however it is what it is.
Allowing someone else to harm me is NOT ok .. that means .. they can be homeless .. I am not. That will not be my issue to bear.
So I truly encourage you to have that plan ABC, have a small fund for you set aside so YOU know you have a place to live and I encourage ALL people who are dependent on a sig other financially to do so .. it is part of self care. You take care of the home, bills and so on with NO income in terms of being let go from your job. As I explained to the judge I fired my X spouse and yet I can't help that he has issues with the fact he doesn't like the severance package. NOT MY PROBLEM. I was left with ZERO .. and I promise you with 2 minor kids at the time it was awful, scary and talk about worrying about money. I never knew if I had a place or not.
BIG hugs .. it does get better .. however it's not an easy path.
S :)
Good work and good news
The ex.A.wzs.a.spender and reckless. He got both of us in a mess. He didn't figure out how to get out of it.
I had to deal with the after.ath of that mess for years.
Nothing could have said to him would have made.any difference. I almost went to the point if.no return with him and his recklessness.
There is a part of alcoholism that involves recklessness. That is why there are.DUI arrests.
The issue for.me.was that when.I.observed all.thst recklnessness.I.had to acknowledge there was no partnership.
The ex.A.continues to rely on others to help.him. I don't think I was fully aware of that when I met him. He always had some long saga about how things had crept up on him. The other thing was he always blamed others. I seriously doubt any of that changed either.
Maresie
Hi twinkies :) before I came to f2f Alanon groups managing all the financials everything's because he wouldn't was becoming like a huge snowball that I was carrying on my shoulders down a mountain while an avalanche of reality was headed for me. Although I had a lot of money premarital my AH spouse managed to spend it on other things he felt was important because he too refused to discuss the bills or manage any of his financial responsibilities. For me a few things happened over the course of a few months with prayer that helped me to make boundaries that worked for me; he had his income and I had mine so split bills down the middle.
Some of my drawing point in the sand have been not paying for cars he said he would that my name was on. Manipulation of a bank teller for refinancing as I refused to be on his car payment anymore has lead to my name still on the car: signed a gift form with DMV and AH spouse said that's not necessary. So I told that lender whether or not they broke the law which I think they have that is his car so collect it if he doesn't pay. I have since locked my credit down with all four credit bureaus (Experian,Equifax, Transunion, Innovis). , as we ran out of money in the accounts and maxed my credit card he tried to get personal loans in my his name to supply his drinking and all other addictions. I'm new in Alan on and relate to wanting to give up as myAH ought to know he has put us in dire straights and his bad credit going down the tube no one trusts him so he blames me now.
I'm learning this is a disease and I need to know about it and protect myself with boundaries that work for my children and myself as that's just wise ODAT and I can make choices that honor my children and myself :) Also his denial and blame and judgement and inability to even admit that he drinks plus other stuff is not my business. I thought the same you had too I'll be able to get myself out of his crazy choices .... thing is with all the lies and activities my AH has engaged in behind the scenes how scary to think my thinking actually played a part in how we became displaced plus my boundaries of not wanting the children around any of his stinking behavior as I will not lie for him to no one! We were without health insurance while mid pregnancy because we couldn't afford it and with family and friends who just couldn't respect my decision to not return leaned on spiritual help from anyone who understands alcoholics and addictions who supports my boundaries. Even if that means he lashes out and blames me and twists things around at me. Being away from husbands denied hidden alcoholism & his insanity showed me on so many levels how crazy things had become & what I couldn't control.
Alanon had so many tools I'm excited most days to learn what I can to improve me. Can't wait for him anymore for anything as I've heard He showed me who he was and I believe him and Don't shop for a loaf of bread at a hardware store. My AH has to see his own actions and inactions have consequences- I'll stand on the shore and pray and watch as going we will all drown. Keeping my side of the street clean helps to not make more resentments for me as I'm doing my best with each decis and fin I make a mistake that's ok forgive myself and learn from them. I need to have the same compassion for myself as I have for him ...... my husband has a disease which is in full force so he appears to be a functional drinker to outsiders. The reality is behind closed doors and any financial emotional verbal abuse. Not often talked about but there's it is which progressed too. There is hope in the Alanon program. :)
Last year was crazy and even though I spoke up and kept making boundaries he continued on and still is doing whatever and I mean whatever he likes with my name attached or not because we are married he can't borrow anymore so I'm happy about that :) please ask around for ESH for seems when they are in the never ending pit of doom we forget we chose to bethere and we can still love them and stand on the shore of hope for our selfs - feels foreign and uncomfortable but totally live able. All I can say is I was told to Keep going to Alanon as it's helped me and I'm growing slowly. Big hugs :)
-- Edited by MaggieRuth on Wednesday 17th of January 2018 11:57:40 AM