Can anyone answer this_ how do you work out if you want to stay with your alcoholic whose wobbling on their ice skates and keeps falling over. They may never get up again -and were standing up for 12 years? A bit cryptic and hope you know what I mean. He hasn't wobbled or fallen off for 12 yrs. A non alcoholic would of found the last year that he has has tough I know it's no excuse and he's devistated. He's had a few falls over the last 5 months. When will I know that he wants to stop although he doesn't want to be like it?
hotrod said
Jan 11, 2018
I found attending meetigngs using the slogans, working with a sponser and using the Steps, I gained the wisdom to Live my life ODAT
Tude said
Jan 11, 2018
Hi Ling. This program and all the wonderful people in it.......is the only way I could let go of the worry and.....as Betty shared, learn to live one day at a time. Today I work on me. It really does get easier. There will be bad days, but those are the ones I am finding........when I pick back up the worry again. Other than that, the steps bring great insight, a sponsor gives wisdom and clarity on what the steps uncover about our own attitudes that have grown out of balance. We can only change ourselves. And it is ohhhhhhhhhhh sooooooooooooo worth it.
Hugs
Jerry F said
Jan 11, 2018
I also finally adhered to the "Betty" suggestion years ago. I went back to the meeting I first visited over several days...left for a month...and then went back and made it my home group for the next 3+ months...It is still saving my sanity and life. ((((hugs))))
AnnieFenk321 said
Jan 12, 2018
I think I understand what you are saying.
My husband had 10 years + sober in NA and then went back to another set of addictive behaviours. I identify with the thoughts of worry. Sometimes I am so angry at myself for allowing someone I knew had addiciton in their past into my life - I should have "protected myself." The fact is that even though their were warning signs that as an adult child of alcoholics that I just flagantly ignored, my husband was in a different place then than he is now. I sometimes think to myself - "I can't continue with this relationship because who knows when he will relapse again!" In other ways, I feel comforted. As I get further into my own recovery, I know what recovery looks like and would not be as unprepared and shocked as I was this time round. I might even have better warning of what was coming and it wouldn't be a betrayal that I took personally, just cause and effect of not being in his recovery.
That still doesn't mean I resolved to returning to the marriage, I still don't know. This is one of the most frightening aspects of the disease for me - it's incurable and it can only go into remission through recovery but recovery is a lot of work and I didn't realise until now that it has to be the most central thing in both of our lives (him as an addict, me as an adult child of alcoholics) without which nothing else can function.
I will say this, I am grateful for my husband being an addict - without him I would never have come looking for Al Anon and it has been so helpful to me.
-- Edited by AnnieFenk321 on Friday 12th of January 2018 12:41:32 AM
ling said
Jan 12, 2018
Thank you all for your support. He's on day 3 of cutting down. If he doesn't control it I need him to leave and I don't know how. I should not have to leave him. He should but he says he cant help it it's a disease. How long do I leave it.
Maresie said
Jan 17, 2018
Detaching is a good way to come to a decision.
The good news is your husband has been sober in the past.
It must be exhausting for you to keep count
Am anon will help you a lot with tools. One of them is to paradoxically take the focus off him. The focus for us has to be ourselves. One good way to make a decision is to put a lot into self care. It is pretty hard to relax when you are focused on others. I spend a lot of time relaxing these days. My body was rigid with tension when I lived with the now ex alcoholic. One way I turned it around was to take the focus off him and put the energy into me
Beating ourselves up is pretty normal. I could beat myself up about everything. I have had to work hard to put down thge stick. Shoulda woulda coulda is a tough burden.
We all have #mistakes#, For me it was a long journey to al anon. It was even harder for me to be willing to take suggestions. The thing for me was I saw other people's lives getting better. I wanted what they had.
ling said
Jan 20, 2018
Oh thank you! your support is just unbelievable! He admitted he's obsessed with drinking. He's going to meetings now which is good and has numbers to ring etc but needs to cut down. He finds it really hard. Don't want to think about it!
Tude said
Jan 20, 2018
Hi ling,
An alcoholic cannot cut down, nor control the amount of alcohol they drink. It always leads to more. Alcoholism is a disease. It's not a matter of his will power and wanting to quit. He has to quit but...........he has to do so when he is ready. There are times it takes a lot to wake up an alcoholic to get serious and get help. The best thing you can do for him, is actually what you can do for yourself.......Alanon. Get a sponsor, work hard on the steps and keep coming back! This program works and you'll find you can have peace and enjoy life in the midst of waiting until he's ready......and if he doesn't get ready...
Hugs
I also finally adhered to the "Betty" suggestion years ago. I went back to the meeting I first visited over several days...left for a month...and then went back and made it my home group for the next 3+ months...It is still saving my sanity and life. ((((hugs))))
I think I understand what you are saying.
My husband had 10 years + sober in NA and then went back to another set of addictive behaviours. I identify with the thoughts of worry. Sometimes I am so angry at myself for allowing someone I knew had addiciton in their past into my life - I should have "protected myself." The fact is that even though their were warning signs that as an adult child of alcoholics that I just flagantly ignored, my husband was in a different place then than he is now. I sometimes think to myself - "I can't continue with this relationship because who knows when he will relapse again!"
In other ways, I feel comforted. As I get further into my own recovery, I know what recovery looks like and would not be as unprepared and shocked as I was this time round. I might even have better warning of what was coming and it wouldn't be a betrayal that I took personally, just cause and effect of not being in his recovery.
That still doesn't mean I resolved to returning to the marriage, I still don't know. This is one of the most frightening aspects of the disease for me - it's incurable and it can only go into remission through recovery but recovery is a lot of work and I didn't realise until now that it has to be the most central thing in both of our lives (him as an addict, me as an adult child of alcoholics) without which nothing else can function.
I will say this, I am grateful for my husband being an addict - without him I would never have come looking for Al Anon and it has been so helpful to me.
-- Edited by AnnieFenk321 on Friday 12th of January 2018 12:41:32 AM
Detaching is a good way to come to a decision.
The good news is your husband has been sober in the past.
It must be exhausting for you to keep count
Am anon will help you a lot with tools. One of them is to paradoxically take the focus off him. The focus for us has to be ourselves. One good way to make a decision is to put a lot into self care. It is pretty hard to relax when you are focused on others. I spend a lot of time relaxing these days. My body was rigid with tension when I lived with the now ex alcoholic. One way I turned it around was to take the focus off him and put the energy into me
Beating ourselves up is pretty normal. I could beat myself up about everything. I have had to work hard to put down thge stick. Shoulda woulda coulda is a tough burden.
We all have #mistakes#, For me it was a long journey to al anon. It was even harder for me to be willing to take suggestions. The thing for me was I saw other people's lives getting better. I wanted what they had.
An alcoholic cannot cut down, nor control the amount of alcohol they drink. It always leads to more. Alcoholism is a disease. It's not a matter of his will power and wanting to quit. He has to quit but...........he has to do so when he is ready. There are times it takes a lot to wake up an alcoholic to get serious and get help. The best thing you can do for him, is actually what you can do for yourself.......Alanon. Get a sponsor, work hard on the steps and keep coming back! This program works and you'll find you can have peace and enjoy life in the midst of waiting until he's ready......and if he doesn't get ready...
Hugs