I finally told ABF we were over after a bad week last week and then another MIA event last night. And he has found somewhere else to stay for a week and then he's moving out. I am heartbroken that it had to come to this. I did everything I could. I know he's not a bad person, but the decision to drink is done while sober and I blame him for every time he made that decision.
And now I officially am single and I now officially face a life on my own. My heart is broken. And I'm trying to focus on positives but it's always hard to do that at the end of any break up and even harder when the break up was a result of substance abuse. And now I have to build a new life. And it's terrifying me.
SerenityRUS said
Jan 11, 2018
I hope you will find meetings, stick around here and get some good solid healing under your belt. You are not alone and it really does get better. I'm currently watching a girlfriend of mine soar now that she's stopped taking care of everyone else and is focusing on herself. I hope she continues on her path of healing.
It is far better to be terrified and actually living than hiding in an unhealthy place waiting and watching life go by.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Jan 11, 2018
((MizzB)) as Serenity suggest please do search out meetings and attend. The support and tools available will allow you to rebuild a life filled with courage, wisdom and love. Your are not alone
allywoo said
Jan 11, 2018
I know how you feel, I tried for 3 years to save my marriage I thought somehow I could save my AH and fix him and he would be better. Eventually I realised there was nothing else I could do for him, it broke my heart. One day I decided I needed therapy and I also started al- anon and it has given me the strength to carry on. Keep strong
MizzB said
Jan 11, 2018
Thank you all.
CarlyH said
Jan 11, 2018
Sorry to hear your feeling so low. I think when its substance abuse you cant get your head round it - because you feel like its not their fault and you want to keep on loving them and forgiving them. if you can go to al anon meeting go - I know when your so low you might think that nothing will help but just try. coming on here helped me a lot, not being alone as well even though I hardly spoke to my friends and family they have Been patient with me.
You cant cure or love someone enough to get better you will destroy yourself. Take care of yourself and know your worthy.
Whikst your caring for yourself they might get better. 2 months ago I literally did not want to get out bed and cried myself to sleep every night. Im a lot better now, i feel a little bit more positive every day. do something you enjoy if you can- Time is a healer. look after yourself. They have a choice when they take that first drink and they have a choice to try hard at recovery.
al anon is full of people who know how you feel and can help you. People who arent around alcoholism dont understand.
big hugs - your never alone x
Iamhere said
Jan 11, 2018
(((MizzB))) - so very sorry that you are hurting. Feel your feelings and know that whatever they are, it's OK. I do agree - break-ups stink and it does seem to be a bit harder when there is substance abuse involved. There's a part of me that sits and wonders ... if only, did I do enough, why can't he, etc...
I too hope you can just be gentle with you, lean into your program and work on healing. I am reminded of the slogan, "This too shall pass". I know there were moments I really thought I could not get any sadder and my sponsor would suggest asking me in a year when I was saddest, and that I wouldn't be able to recall. She's right - life brings good and bad yet it does seem to propel us to heal/deal/learn/grow.
Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive energy and prayers. We are here for you as best we can be!
Tude said
Jan 11, 2018
(((Mizz))) sending hugs too. I'm sorry for your loss and the fear you are feeling. Prayers sent your way.
Jerry F said
Jan 11, 2018
((((MizzB)))) with the fellowship of Al-Anon and a Power Greater than yourself there is no way that you can be alone in this. I tried...it didn't work and I am elated I was wrong. ((((hugs))))
AnnieFenk321 said
Jan 12, 2018
Sending hugs as well. I can understand the terror of starting on your own again. I think seeking out meetings in your area if they have them could help. When I get to meetings I always feel like I get a burst of new energy that I didn't have before.
MizzB said
Jan 12, 2018
THank you all.
I am currently finding it hard because his mum just called me to say that he's called and asked to go home to theirs. he hates it there so that's an indication of how low he is. Unfortunately they are going away so he can't go there. I have my parents round so he can't come here (and he's too embarrassed). I am tempted to go and see him but I know I have to let him get on with this. I've said I'll talk to him when he's sober. It just breaks my heart that he is so alone right now. So completely alone and in such a bad place. I know I ahve to be strong and let him go through this as propping him up doesn't work. And having my parents over is my self care when I'm heartbroken. I'm so worried and I know I need to let that go. I know even if I went to where he is, he might just start a fight with me. It's such a hard situation to be in.
I appreciate you listening, thank you.
Jerry F said
Jan 12, 2018
Go spend time with a good sponsor and in meetings. If you haven't been able to handle this is the past the chances are real you are not able to do it now. I had to learn that law myself as I continued to do the same things over and over and over again expecting different results. I needed the ESH of others who knew and knew that they knew what was happening and what they learned to do about it. Only one of the suggestions I finally took was doing 90 meetings in 90 days and in my area where there was 439 meetings a month that worked and I got in 102 in 90 days. I am alive today because of it. In support and sending love and care. ((((hugs))))
Aline said
Jan 13, 2018
Sending you hugs of support (((((MizzB))))).
bud said
Jan 15, 2018
((((MizzB)))) Recently went through a breakup too this past August - you're not alone. These types of transitions are so unpleasant. I've been encouraged to sit with the feelings and trust they would pass. I leaned into my program (did 90 in 90) for support and healthier perspectives and prayed.Initially his step-Mom and I were in touch as she urged me to move on and find a great guy who was able to love and cherish me the way I deserve. I had her full love and support. Then, we mutually agreed to not be in touch for a while so that I could move on. My pain and fear gradually faded. Eat well, hydrate, exercise, don't isolate, and get quality sleep. Keep coming back - the program works!
SerenityRUS said
Jan 15, 2018
Big hugs,
Support your way.
Bud, .. I am SOOO glad to see you around again and YES 90 in 90 makes a BIG difference in perspective.
Hugs S :)
Maresie said
Jan 15, 2018
I worried far more about the now ex A than I worried about myself. Putting all tjhe focus on me was so essential.
I know full well the conversations with relatives about how bad they are. Trying to make that safety need. Alcoholics are very resilient very talented at getting others to care for them.
The trouble is they are not worrying about you when you are taking care of them. I don't think I have ever met an alcoholic who cared about how I was managing what I would do next etc etc.
While I would not call them selfish because the disease is all about self neglect. There is not much back and forth there.
For me these days I need at least an illusion of reciprocity.
Th at is one of my.bottom lines. That carries through many relationships.
I finally told ABF we were over after a bad week last week and then another MIA event last night. And he has found somewhere else to stay for a week and then he's moving out. I am heartbroken that it had to come to this. I did everything I could. I know he's not a bad person, but the decision to drink is done while sober and I blame him for every time he made that decision.
And now I officially am single and I now officially face a life on my own. My heart is broken. And I'm trying to focus on positives but it's always hard to do that at the end of any break up and even harder when the break up was a result of substance abuse. And now I have to build a new life. And it's terrifying me.
It is far better to be terrified and actually living than hiding in an unhealthy place waiting and watching life go by.
Hugs S :)
((MizzB)) as Serenity suggest please do search out meetings and attend. The support and tools available will allow you to rebuild a life filled with courage, wisdom and love. Your are not alone
Sorry to hear your feeling so low. I think when its substance abuse you cant get your head round it - because you feel like its not their fault and you want to keep on loving them and forgiving them. if you can go to al anon meeting go - I know when your so low you might think that nothing will help but just try. coming on here helped me a lot, not being alone as well even though I hardly spoke to my friends and family they have Been patient with me.
You cant cure or love someone enough to get better you will destroy yourself. Take care of yourself and know your worthy.
Whikst your caring for yourself they might get better. 2 months ago I literally did not want to get out bed and cried myself to sleep every night. Im a lot better now, i feel a little bit more positive every day. do something you enjoy if you can- Time is a healer. look after yourself. They have a choice when they take that first drink and they have a choice to try hard at recovery.
al anon is full of people who know how you feel and can help you. People who arent around alcoholism dont understand.
big hugs - your never alone x
I too hope you can just be gentle with you, lean into your program and work on healing. I am reminded of the slogan, "This too shall pass". I know there were moments I really thought I could not get any sadder and my sponsor would suggest asking me in a year when I was saddest, and that I wouldn't be able to recall. She's right - life brings good and bad yet it does seem to propel us to heal/deal/learn/grow.
Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive energy and prayers. We are here for you as best we can be!
((((MizzB)))) with the fellowship of Al-Anon and a Power Greater than yourself there is no way that you can be alone in this. I tried...it didn't work and I am elated I was wrong. ((((hugs))))
I am currently finding it hard because his mum just called me to say that he's called and asked to go home to theirs. he hates it there so that's an indication of how low he is. Unfortunately they are going away so he can't go there. I have my parents round so he can't come here (and he's too embarrassed). I am tempted to go and see him but I know I have to let him get on with this. I've said I'll talk to him when he's sober. It just breaks my heart that he is so alone right now. So completely alone and in such a bad place. I know I ahve to be strong and let him go through this as propping him up doesn't work. And having my parents over is my self care when I'm heartbroken. I'm so worried and I know I need to let that go. I know even if I went to where he is, he might just start a fight with me. It's such a hard situation to be in.
I appreciate you listening, thank you.
Go spend time with a good sponsor and in meetings. If you haven't been able to handle this is the past the chances are real you are not able to do it now. I had to learn that law myself as I continued to do the same things over and over and over again expecting different results. I needed the ESH of others who knew and knew that they knew what was happening and what they learned to do about it. Only one of the suggestions I finally took was doing 90 meetings in 90 days and in my area where there was 439 meetings a month that worked and I got in 102 in 90 days. I am alive today because of it. In support and sending love and care. ((((hugs))))
Support your way.
Bud, .. I am SOOO glad to see you around again and YES 90 in 90 makes a BIG difference in perspective.
Hugs S :)
I worried far more about the now ex A than I worried about myself. Putting all tjhe focus on me was so essential.
I know full well the conversations with relatives about how bad they are. Trying to make that safety need. Alcoholics are very resilient very talented at getting others to care for them.
The trouble is they are not worrying about you when you are taking care of them. I don't think I have ever met an alcoholic who cared about how I was managing what I would do next etc etc.
While I would not call them selfish because the disease is all about self neglect. There is not much back and forth there.
For me these days I need at least an illusion of reciprocity.
Th at is one of my.bottom lines. That carries through many relationships.
Maresie