I have been working for four years with a group of people on publishing a book. The book launch is next month. I would very much love to be there. Last month my AH said I should go. Today, just out of the blue, he says I have no business going to that event, no one needs me there. I said nothing. Did not ask for an explanation because there is no logic behind that reasoning. I do not want to beg. Getting mad would only make things worse. This is just plain crazy. How does one use the 12 steps in such a situation?
hotrod said
Jan 9, 2018
Hello Carmine, welcome AlAnon suggests that we are powerless over people, places and things (step 1) accepting that principle, we see that we are powerless over others, as they are equally powerless over us as well.
Learning to validate our own needs and say what we mean and mean what we say develops as a result of working all the steps.
Meetings, sharing with like minded others is important. Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. You are not alone
Iamhere said
Jan 9, 2018
Welcome to MIP Carmine - glad you found us and glad that you joined in. It took me a while in recovery to realize that I spent a ton of time seeking approval and permission from others to be me and live my life. After some time and some restored sanity, I began to make plans and then discuss. I share what my plans are and what I need (watch the dog, get the mail, etc.). Surprisingly enough, putting me first, and taking care of me really didn't cause my situation any harm, it only improved things over time.
The steps for me are a recipe for living and not always super effective with an immediate issue. A sponsor has been very good for me in these types of situations where I am baffled. Keep coming back - you're not alone!
Mattie said
Jan 9, 2018
I am unclear whether you mean that unless he approves of it, he physically won't let you go to the book launch, or threatens violence if you go. If that is the situation, I hope you will get advice from your local domestic violence shelter. Al-Anon doesn't give advice except when there is a threat of violence. In that case you must be careful and protect yourself, and work out an escape plan (with the help of the shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline or other good sources of advice) for if/when things become dangerous.
If the situation is just that he ridicules your desire to go to the book launch - detachment (ideally with love, but it's hard to get the love part when starting out) will help prevent his bad emotions from affecting yours, or him from keeping you from going. A big reward of using the tools is that we no longer have to let their bad mood ruin our day. Especially a great day like your book launch! Congratulations!
Carmine said
Jan 10, 2018
Mattie, he will not hit me but will surely do what he did two months ago when I wanted to go out of town for a meeting : bang doors, swear, blame, and pretend to be too sick to be left alone. I cancelled at the last minute. He was so sweet afterwards!
Skorpi said
Jan 10, 2018
Hi Carmine,
I'm glad that you are not facing physical violence. As to the behavior you say you are facing, I experienced something similar with my wife. I made a lot of choices that were not in my best interest because of that behavior. When I started to name the behavior for what it was (in my case, a temper tantrum) and respond appropriately (not changing my plans or acknowledging the behavior) it stopped. Every situation is different, and you know your situation best. For me, I had to name the behavior and respond as one would to a three year old. (screaming because you do not want to put your jacket on in January does not mean that the jacket does not go on. Slamming doors because I need to go to a work-related event does not mean that I do not go.) I found that when I gave in, my wife would engage in the behavior more frequently, because it got her what she wanted. The sweetness after the temper tantrum was just to ensure I wouldn't change my mind. It was important for me to take care of myself and my needs first, and to set boundaries. When I did so, the temper tantrums magically disappeared and I didn't need to live in fear of them anymore.
Congratulations on the book launch! That takes a lot of hard work, and should be celebrated.
SerenityRUS said
Jan 10, 2018
What Skorpi said x100. I gave away soooo much power to my partners in the past and then I played victim of "he won't let me" then stayed home it was great however it was no different than physical abuse the difference was there were no physical marks. It ate away silently at me and I was a willing participant in the dance.
Big hugs and CONGRATS this is a BIG deal and you deserve to have some fun. This is true for me in relationships as a partner in a healthy relationship successes are celebrated not diminished on any level. I don't need to JADE a situation to someone who wants what is best for me and if I am then I need to look at what is best for me.
I have been working for four years with a group of people on publishing a book. The book launch is next month. I would very much love to be there. Last month my AH said I should go. Today, just out of the blue, he says I have no business going to that event, no one needs me there. I said nothing. Did not ask for an explanation because there is no logic behind that reasoning. I do not want to beg. Getting mad would only make things worse. This is just plain crazy. How does one use the 12 steps in such a situation?
Learning to validate our own needs and say what we mean and mean what we say develops as a result of working all the steps.
Meetings, sharing with like minded others is important. Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. You are not alone
The steps for me are a recipe for living and not always super effective with an immediate issue. A sponsor has been very good for me in these types of situations where I am baffled. Keep coming back - you're not alone!
I am unclear whether you mean that unless he approves of it, he physically won't let you go to the book launch, or threatens violence if you go. If that is the situation, I hope you will get advice from your local domestic violence shelter. Al-Anon doesn't give advice except when there is a threat of violence. In that case you must be careful and protect yourself, and work out an escape plan (with the help of the shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline or other good sources of advice) for if/when things become dangerous.
If the situation is just that he ridicules your desire to go to the book launch - detachment (ideally with love, but it's hard to get the love part when starting out) will help prevent his bad emotions from affecting yours, or him from keeping you from going. A big reward of using the tools is that we no longer have to let their bad mood ruin our day. Especially a great day like your book launch! Congratulations!
Mattie, he will not hit me but will surely do what he did two months ago when I wanted to go out of town for a meeting : bang doors, swear, blame, and pretend to be too sick to be left alone. I cancelled at the last minute. He was so sweet afterwards!
I'm glad that you are not facing physical violence. As to the behavior you say you are facing, I experienced something similar with my wife. I made a lot of choices that were not in my best interest because of that behavior. When I started to name the behavior for what it was (in my case, a temper tantrum) and respond appropriately (not changing my plans or acknowledging the behavior) it stopped. Every situation is different, and you know your situation best. For me, I had to name the behavior and respond as one would to a three year old. (screaming because you do not want to put your jacket on in January does not mean that the jacket does not go on. Slamming doors because I need to go to a work-related event does not mean that I do not go.) I found that when I gave in, my wife would engage in the behavior more frequently, because it got her what she wanted. The sweetness after the temper tantrum was just to ensure I wouldn't change my mind. It was important for me to take care of myself and my needs first, and to set boundaries. When I did so, the temper tantrums magically disappeared and I didn't need to live in fear of them anymore.
Congratulations on the book launch! That takes a lot of hard work, and should be celebrated.
Big hugs and CONGRATS this is a BIG deal and you deserve to have some fun. This is true for me in relationships as a partner in a healthy relationship successes are celebrated not diminished on any level. I don't need to JADE a situation to someone who wants what is best for me and if I am then I need to look at what is best for me.
Hugs S :)