Honesty....this may be naive or just plain ignorant!
Tude said
Jan 9, 2018
Hi all,
Where is the line that goes from compulsive liar to addiction based lies? I have tried to post this a few times today and have been embarrassed to ask. The AF in my life has a horrific lying issue. It totally blows my mind andnnnn sets me on edge more than when she relapses. No honesty=no relationship is possible......at least from what my experience is up to now.... Seriously there isn't a time I can think of that a lie doesn't just come out for no reason.....even when she's been dry a long time.....
I went on a search to look up different forms of lying. From compulsive to addictions etc. It is definitely compulsive but, what bothered me was one search led me to an AA site on lying...........and they all said all lied......that isn't registering as true to me...you have to be honest to stay sober, live life, have peace and serenity and so on.....
Can someone give some input on this? Am I just naive or did I come across some bad sites.....this is tied in with an amends I am struggling with. Thank you!
hotrod said
Jan 9, 2018
((Tude)) I am not an expert on this subject however I found that my family continues to "Lie" because they do not want to hurt people's feelings My sister has a friend who calls me to find out the truth because she says that sister continually "makes up stories" and is not truthful . I have refused to engage in this insanity but it is ongoing. I need to make sure that I am truthful and am able to"speak my truth and then accept my powerlessness over others
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 9, 2018
I understand your confusion Tude. There is a saying I found to be very true in my life... āHow do you know when an addict is lying?ā A: āTheir lips are moving!ā
Now does this apply to everyone, all the time? No. But active addicts ( no matter what the addiction, lie... itās just what they do.
Keep working on you.
Tude said
Jan 9, 2018
Thank you!
I feel so naive asking this! I stay as far away as possible. I had to because it was costing my sanity..there are still times I have to interract...Its' almost like I can feel the lies and it's very aggravating.
LOL@ when their lips are moving!!
I don't think this lying is the result of her alcoholism. It is such a pattern. She had a year dry and still nothing truthful.....Well, you helped me understand why I am having compassion issues regarding this one. I will continue to pray, ask God to keep softening my heart and have compassion for whatever happened to cause her to be this way. It is getting there. Wow, this dis-ease of codependency can make my head swim. I just know too many people who don't lie. And are in recovery. That one site did not help matters. I thank God for finding all of you here!
Tude>>>>>>running back to work on me!!!
Hugs!!!
Iamhere said
Jan 9, 2018
My oldest son is sober and was sober for almost 5 years. Yet, he still compulsively lied about silly things. It is an ingrained habit that he picked up when he began his 'experimenting' that led to his addictions. He's 25 years old - and still will lie about time spent on homework, money in the bank, etc. I believe it's a habit but he's not good at managing his time and suffers from depression/low self-esteem. Therefore he lies to keep others from asking more questions, disclosing how he really is and/or what he's really been doing.
I can suggest that he learned a bunch as a child from his father.....heck - my AH would drink and drive and tell the kids not to tell me! So - it's a real part of society and I am powerless over all things others do, say, practice, etc.
So much of my amends to him had to do with my reactions to his choices, lies, behaviors, etc. that it was almost easier to just say, "I love you and sincerely apologize for my part in all of our dysfunction." That started the process and as he matures and we have discussions, I continue when necessary to own my stuff and leave his alone....that's off-limits for me (per my sponsor).
mamalioness said
Jan 9, 2018
I donāt know what to make of this. But I do know that brutal honesty is a requirement to getting well or I should say staying sober. Step four requires brutal honesty with self and I just donāt see how a person can progress in their recovery if they canāt be honest. Honesty starts with the self and radiates out to others. I donāt know how she can stay sober behaving this way. And I agree ā if I canāt trust a personās honesty then there is no relationship if there is no trust. I donāt see how I could ever get into a relationship with one I do not trust and that even includes my bookkeeping clients that I have. If I cannot trust them, I usually give my notice and leave. So in my personal relationships trust Is vital. Growing up in such a dishonest family, made truth and honesty requirements for me to stay in a relationship. That is just me, I am sure you will get others to share their experiences with you. Thank you for this very interesting topic. Hugs of support
Tude said
Jan 11, 2018
I'm gaining more insight with your shares too. Also more hope. The first actual conversation with her on the phone yesterday..........was without a lie. This is huge, it is a first! Praying she hangs on and sees the promises in her life yet, also guarding myself.
My son had that habit of lying too IAH. Not the compulsive type but the escape type. I read somewhere ACOA's is pretty ingrained. He finally stopped it when he got in his late 20s. I am grateful for that. Also for his sister because she had no fear of calling him on his junk lol!!! Yes also to the depression and the disorganization. He's mid 30s now and has his own business. I have to shake my head....what happened to the 5+ sets of tools strewn from the garage to his room........how did he ever manage to get them all in one toolbox. My heart still breaks for the kids, they both deal with depression. It would be amazing to see them walk into these rooms some day......
Thank you for listening and helping me get a grip on this lying issue. I think my brain goes into freeze dried mode and only thaws out during the ups and downs of life, of learning these things.......
Iamhere said
Jan 11, 2018
(((Hugs))) Tude - the program gifted me with shades of gray for my thinking which used to be entirely black/white. It also gave me the ability to accept others and love them as they are. I was raised to live my life honestly and with a high level of integrity. My sponsor had to remind me that is not how everyone is raised and what I value may/may not EVER line up with what another values. Doesn't make me or them right/wrong - it just is.
Hi all,
Where is the line that goes from compulsive liar to addiction based lies? I have tried to post this a few times today and have been embarrassed to ask. The AF in my life has a horrific lying issue. It totally blows my mind andnnnn sets me on edge more than when she relapses. No honesty=no relationship is possible......at least from what my experience is up to now.... Seriously there isn't a time I can think of that a lie doesn't just come out for no reason.....even when she's been dry a long time.....
I went on a search to look up different forms of lying. From compulsive to addictions etc. It is definitely compulsive but, what bothered me was one search led me to an AA site on lying...........and they all said all lied......that isn't registering as true to me...you have to be honest to stay sober, live life, have peace and serenity and so on.....
Can someone give some input on this? Am I just naive or did I come across some bad sites.....this is tied in with an amends I am struggling with. Thank you!
((Tude)) I am not an expert on this subject however I found that my family continues to "Lie" because they do not want to hurt people's feelings My sister has a friend who calls me to find out the truth because she says that sister continually "makes up stories" and is not truthful . I have refused to engage in this insanity but it is ongoing.
I need to make sure that I am truthful and am able to"speak my truth and then accept my powerlessness over others
I feel so naive asking this! I stay as far away as possible. I had to because it was costing my sanity..there are still times I have to interract...Its' almost like I can feel the lies and it's very aggravating.
LOL@ when their lips are moving!!
I don't think this lying is the result of her alcoholism. It is such a pattern. She had a year dry and still nothing truthful.....Well, you helped me understand why I am having compassion issues regarding this one. I will continue to pray, ask God to keep softening my heart and have compassion for whatever happened to cause her to be this way. It is getting there. Wow, this dis-ease of codependency can make my head swim. I just know too many people who don't lie. And are in recovery. That one site did not help matters. I thank God for finding all of you here!
Tude>>>>>>running back to work on me!!!
Hugs!!!
I can suggest that he learned a bunch as a child from his father.....heck - my AH would drink and drive and tell the kids not to tell me! So - it's a real part of society and I am powerless over all things others do, say, practice, etc.
So much of my amends to him had to do with my reactions to his choices, lies, behaviors, etc. that it was almost easier to just say, "I love you and sincerely apologize for my part in all of our dysfunction." That started the process and as he matures and we have discussions, I continue when necessary to own my stuff and leave his alone....that's off-limits for me (per my sponsor).
My son had that habit of lying too IAH. Not the compulsive type but the escape type. I read somewhere ACOA's is pretty ingrained. He finally stopped it when he got in his late 20s. I am grateful for that. Also for his sister because she had no fear of calling him on his junk lol!!! Yes also to the depression and the disorganization. He's mid 30s now and has his own business. I have to shake my head....what happened to the 5+ sets of tools strewn from the garage to his room........how did he ever manage to get them all in one toolbox. My heart still breaks for the kids, they both deal with depression. It would be amazing to see them walk into these rooms some day......
Thank you for listening and helping me get a grip on this lying issue. I think my brain goes into freeze dried mode and only thaws out during the ups and downs of life, of learning these things.......
Keep doing you - looks great on you!