It's been so long since I worked the 12 Steps, I had forgotten the hidden things they can bring up. I was of course, focusing on all the things that were driving me crazy when I came back into Al-anon. Those things that are buried, bring up pain, embarrassment,anxiety and all sorts of just yuk surfaced! What a roller coaster and yet........I know those are the very things that I need to be aware of, and need to spend some time looking honestly at them. They are the very things that are adding to the anxiety, the shame, the fears I have hung onto for much too long.
Last night I almost ran from taking action on the step. (9) I woke up this morning in a mess of emotions and did not like how I felt, my thoughts were racing and just overall not in a good place. I wanted to blame the AH in my life for causing so much pain by something he did years ago. (this is an area I didn't expect to show up in my recovery, I thought it was all just "FINE.") More so, I wanted him to take responsibility for his part and take action on it. LOL.
As I spent a few minutes in meditation and read my 24 books.......sanity and peace returned. I realized that even expecting him to take responsibility is my problem, not his. Today I am responsible only for how I choose to handle each situation as it arises. I am to "trust the process," knowing it is all going to be ok. Let God have the areas I cannot handle and leave them there.
Thanks for listening!
Tude
hotrod said
Jan 8, 2018
Hi Tude The Steps do uncover hidden issues thatI had buried and pretended all was well. Becoming willing to make amends, I found I had to become willing to let go of the buried anger and , resentment that I felt toward others in order to set myself free. I needed to include my unrealistic expectations in that list HP helped in this process
Iamhere said
Jan 8, 2018
Hey Tude - powerful share and great awareness. Each time I approach the steps, there is (my crazy brain) a bit of anxiety as it does bring forward yuck stuff at times. As we often hear in recovery, we need to think it all the way through....there is a freedom that comes with getting to the other side and more growth which results in even more peace, serenity and joy.
I believe I am hard-wired to want what I want when I want it (my addictive tendencies). Patience for me is still somewhat foreign and practiced. Yet, when I can pause and think through what I am willing to do and why, it does help with the digging/unveiling. Sorry you had some 'yuck' come up and that it triggered the crazy-train brain. How very cool that you were able to use your tools and come back to center!!
Trusting the process is certainly harder at times that others. For me, each time I take my brain back to that concept though, more is revealed and more clarity surfaces. I can honestly say that most of my growth has come when I've felt pain or distress so I do try to just walk through it as best I can.
You got this - keep doing you - looks really great on ya!! (((Hugs)))
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 8, 2018
Great share for me today, Tude! Thank you.
I too, bury my feelings/problems. I am working through Step 4, and I am just beginning to see "sweeping things under the rug" was how I was raised. It is a "natural" go-to for me. Not good when living with someone with this disease. So I am beginning to understand why I did/do some of the things I did/do. That is helping me to get rid of the anger at MYSELF.
Most times I find it hard to 'trust the process.' But all of those who came before me... that have what I want... I am trusting them.
Great awareness on your part!
SerenityRUS said
Jan 8, 2018
Tude,
you made me lol to myself with the FINE statement .. there are so many things that can mean however my favorite and it usually fits is F'd up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Usually I go oh boy .. as soon as I start saying FINE .. things are not FINE within me.
I think that it sounds like you are right where you need to be at the moment .. working on your steps, finding a sponsor, finding meetings and so on all of this helps and it is shocking how fast I can get derailed when I forget myself so to speak.
Big hugs,
S :)
Aline said
Jan 8, 2018
Thank you for sharing, Tude, and I appreciate all the ESH in this thread as well. Trusting the process is definitely something I also need to keep in mind, grateful for the reminder :)
Tude said
Jan 8, 2018
Thank you all for your responses! Also, I never thought of an unrealistic expectation list too? That sounds powerful! It has been an up and down day but all in all a good one!
Hugs everyone!!
tiredtonite said
Jan 8, 2018
Hi Tude,
Congratulations to you for taking the leap to work the Alanon steps after time away from the program. Working the steps really can kick up a lot of surprising stuff. You said Today I am responsible only for how I choose to handle each situation as it arises. I like that because it reminds me that I'm a lifelong learner and shouldn't expect myself to intuitively know what to do concerning every person, place or thing. I can be gentle with myself and ask my hp's guidance. Yes, trust the process. I learn from my imperfect methods of trying, risking and even by achieving something bass ackwards. If my higher power gives me thumbs up, it's all good. My hp doesn't expect perfection just willingness. We can be very hard on ourselves and it's often suggested in Alanon to put ourselves at the top of our 9th step list and forgive ourselves. Thanks for sharing about your process with working the steps. You're not alone concerning the unearthing of all these feelings and attaching them here and there like to your exah. I am guilty! But it's human. Who wants to be responsible for their part? Nobody excitedly lining up to sign up for that LOL But we end up doing it to let it all go and feel relief and have a clean slate, a new beginning. It's hard work but the payoff in serenity can be worth it. You can feel proud of your progress. It's courageous to leave the 1,2,3, dance and move to the mirror for a look at yourself. Harder still let go of our fears and make amend but you are doing it. (((hugs)) TT
Jerry F said
Jan 9, 2018
I so appreciate you bringing it here as directed by your HP. Marvelous that the fellowship followed you in also. Another share I just love and appreciate so much. ((((hugs))))
Tude said
Jan 9, 2018
Hi all,
Serenity, yesterday, the FINE was the perfect word all day. LOL!
Up, down and all around then finally landed somewhere in "normal" land late yesterday. The steps, the meetings, the friends I have made on here........all the ESH shares on the forum. God did for me again, what I could not do for myself. How amazing that a new day is so good after such a rough one.
I do fully trust the process. It may not feel good at the time. All those defects can become a bit too glaring. I'm grateful for my sponsor reminding me to write a gratitude and asset list. I forgot in the midst of my "crazy brain" as IAH says lol!
I'm so grateful today for all of you and for this program! The "crazy brain" has fully gone. For today. I do question if I can ever start a new day in the middle of a day? This is something to strive for. A personal goal to rephrase a bad day. I don't care to be stuck on the "tomorrow is a new day" when there may be, "today is a new day and I can choose to start it over at any moment!" A new goal!! :)
Hugs everyone!!!
SerenityRUS said
Jan 9, 2018
Tude,
Something that came to mind today was I did not get here by myself is the first thought I learned a LOT of coping mechs that no longer apply and I still try to use them. They no longer are applicable to my current situation .. I am no longer unaware, I am no longer dormant, I am awake and in being awake it helps me be more aware of a lot of things. I am not required to change all of these things immediately because even my coping mechs are not "bad" or even "unhealthy", I just need to redirect them appropriately. Some that do me actual harm I need to let go of, these are things like negative thinking, focusing on things I can't control and so on.
The other thing I did not get here overnight. It is going to take time to heal. Sometimes quickly and sometimes like quick sand. LOL .. not so quick at all. So however far I am in the program it's far more important for me to continue moving forward regardless of pace.
The present is far better to live in than straddling tomorrow and yesterday .. the past cannot be changed however there is a lesson in it. The future can't be predicted however I have control over me .. my thoughts and behaviors.
Apparently I have been lazy and the God of my understanding having the sense of humor He does decided to give me a quick kick in my pants because that's what I need to continue to move forward from time to time. I am grateful for that because it does keep me moving and I don't get as stuck for as long.
Big hugs S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 9, 2018
Glad to hear that today is a better day for you Tude!
Someone once told me that I can choose to start my day over AT ANY TIME! All I need to do is change MY ATTITUDE!
Of course I thought, "Why didn't I think of that!" LOL!
You already are!! Keep on keeping on... recovery is looking good on you!
Iamhere said
Jan 9, 2018
I am a visual person so when I consider a restart to my day, I try to really 'start over' - re-do my prayers, get a cup of coffee or tea and read a daily. These tools help me to adjust my attitude! Carry on fellow recovery folks...
It's been so long since I worked the 12 Steps, I had forgotten the hidden things they can bring up. I was of course, focusing on all the things that were driving me crazy when I came back into Al-anon. Those things that are buried, bring up pain, embarrassment,anxiety and all sorts of just yuk surfaced! What a roller coaster and yet........I know those are the very things that I need to be aware of, and need to spend some time looking honestly at them. They are the very things that are adding to the anxiety, the shame, the fears I have hung onto for much too long.
Last night I almost ran from taking action on the step. (9) I woke up this morning in a mess of emotions and did not like how I felt, my thoughts were racing and just overall not in a good place. I wanted to blame the AH in my life for causing so much pain by something he did years ago. (this is an area I didn't expect to show up in my recovery, I thought it was all just "FINE.") More so, I wanted him to take responsibility for his part and take action on it. LOL.
As I spent a few minutes in meditation and read my 24 books.......sanity and peace returned. I realized that even expecting him to take responsibility is my problem, not his. Today I am responsible only for how I choose to handle each situation as it arises. I am to "trust the process," knowing it is all going to be ok. Let God have the areas I cannot handle and leave them there.
Thanks for listening!
Tude
I believe I am hard-wired to want what I want when I want it (my addictive tendencies). Patience for me is still somewhat foreign and practiced. Yet, when I can pause and think through what I am willing to do and why, it does help with the digging/unveiling. Sorry you had some 'yuck' come up and that it triggered the crazy-train brain. How very cool that you were able to use your tools and come back to center!!
Trusting the process is certainly harder at times that others. For me, each time I take my brain back to that concept though, more is revealed and more clarity surfaces. I can honestly say that most of my growth has come when I've felt pain or distress so I do try to just walk through it as best I can.
You got this - keep doing you - looks really great on ya!! (((Hugs)))
I too, bury my feelings/problems. I am working through Step 4, and I am just beginning to see "sweeping things under the rug" was how I was raised. It is a "natural" go-to for me. Not good when living with someone with this disease. So I am beginning to understand why I did/do some of the things I did/do. That is helping me to get rid of the anger at MYSELF.
Most times I find it hard to 'trust the process.' But all of those who came before me... that have what I want... I am trusting them.
Great awareness on your part!
you made me lol to myself with the FINE statement .. there are so many things that can mean however my favorite and it usually fits is F'd up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Usually I go oh boy .. as soon as I start saying FINE .. things are not FINE within me.
I think that it sounds like you are right where you need to be at the moment .. working on your steps, finding a sponsor, finding meetings and so on all of this helps and it is shocking how fast I can get derailed when I forget myself so to speak.
Big hugs,
S :)
Hugs everyone!!
Hi Tude,
Congratulations to you for taking the leap to work the Alanon steps after time away from the program. Working the steps really can kick up a lot of surprising stuff. You said Today I am responsible only for how I choose to handle each situation as it arises. I like that because it reminds me that I'm a lifelong learner and shouldn't expect myself to intuitively know what to do concerning every person, place or thing. I can be gentle with myself and ask my hp's guidance. Yes, trust the process. I learn from my imperfect methods of trying, risking and even by achieving something bass ackwards. If my higher power gives me thumbs up, it's all good. My hp doesn't expect perfection just willingness. We can be very hard on ourselves and it's often suggested in Alanon to put ourselves at the top of our 9th step list and forgive ourselves. Thanks for sharing about your process with working the steps. You're not alone concerning the unearthing of all these feelings and attaching them here and there like to your exah. I am guilty! But it's human. Who wants to be responsible for their part? Nobody excitedly lining up to sign up for that LOL But we end up doing it to let it all go and feel relief and have a clean slate, a new beginning. It's hard work but the payoff in serenity can be worth it. You can feel proud of your progress. It's courageous to leave the 1,2,3, dance and move to the mirror for a look at yourself. Harder still let go of our fears and make amend but you are doing it. (((hugs)) TT
I so appreciate you bringing it here as directed by your HP. Marvelous that the fellowship followed you in also. Another share I just love and appreciate so much. ((((hugs))))
Serenity, yesterday, the FINE was the perfect word all day. LOL!
Up, down and all around then finally landed somewhere in "normal" land late yesterday. The steps, the meetings, the friends I have made on here........all the ESH shares on the forum. God did for me again, what I could not do for myself. How amazing that a new day is so good after such a rough one.
I do fully trust the process. It may not feel good at the time. All those defects can become a bit too glaring. I'm grateful for my sponsor reminding me to write a gratitude and asset list. I forgot in the midst of my "crazy brain" as IAH says lol!
I'm so grateful today for all of you and for this program! The "crazy brain" has fully gone. For today. I do question if I can ever start a new day in the middle of a day? This is something to strive for. A personal goal to rephrase a bad day. I don't care to be stuck on the "tomorrow is a new day" when there may be, "today is a new day and I can choose to start it over at any moment!" A new goal!! :)
Hugs everyone!!!
Something that came to mind today was I did not get here by myself is the first thought I learned a LOT of coping mechs that no longer apply and I still try to use them. They no longer are applicable to my current situation .. I am no longer unaware, I am no longer dormant, I am awake and in being awake it helps me be more aware of a lot of things. I am not required to change all of these things immediately because even my coping mechs are not "bad" or even "unhealthy", I just need to redirect them appropriately. Some that do me actual harm I need to let go of, these are things like negative thinking, focusing on things I can't control and so on.
The other thing I did not get here overnight. It is going to take time to heal. Sometimes quickly and sometimes like quick sand. LOL .. not so quick at all. So however far I am in the program it's far more important for me to continue moving forward regardless of pace.
The present is far better to live in than straddling tomorrow and yesterday .. the past cannot be changed however there is a lesson in it. The future can't be predicted however I have control over me .. my thoughts and behaviors.
Apparently I have been lazy and the God of my understanding having the sense of humor He does decided to give me a quick kick in my pants because that's what I need to continue to move forward from time to time. I am grateful for that because it does keep me moving and I don't get as stuck for as long.
Big hugs S :)
Someone once told me that I can choose to start my day over AT ANY TIME! All I need to do is change MY ATTITUDE!
Of course I thought, "Why didn't I think of that!" LOL!
You already are!! Keep on keeping on... recovery is looking good on you!