I have not posted in awhile but need to vent. I am very familiar with the Alanon program and try my best to work it. However, My anger and resentment are taking a major hold on me. My 54 year old alcoholic sister is living with my 80 year old mother. I live next door to my mother and witness so much enabling and dysfunction. I have set boundaries and I do not get confrontational with my alcoholic sister who when drinking is mean and likes to start fights. I stop over to check on mom over my lunch hour and my sister is now throwing up all the time. I'm sure she is very sick in her disease. I'm angry that she will not seek treatment and also at my mother who lets her stay with her. (my mother has rentals and since my dad's passing my sister drinks and helps with the properties). My sisters oldest son has nothing to do with her. I have three other sisters who are worried sick about mom, yet mom say's she is strong etc.
So I sit back and watch my 80 year old mother take care of her alcoholic daughter? My sister will not seek help and I can tell my mother is aging more rapidly due to her being there. My mother is a big time enabler who does not like confrontation or arguing. She took care of my dad, who was also alcoholic, and now this sister. Such anger and resentment and not know what if anything to do!!!
Thanks for letting me share
LJ
Skorpi said
Jan 5, 2018
Hi LJ.
I'm glad you posted, and I am sorry to hear of your situation. It is a challenging one, for sure.
As hard as it is, your sister's drinking is her choice, and your mom's enabling is also your mom's choice. It sounds as though you and your other sisters have expressed your concern about the situation to your mom already. It kind of seems that all there is that you can do in this situation is say "I love you, I care about you, and I am concerned about the toll this is taking on you."
One of the things I learned and am still learning is that one of the most loving things I can do is to practice detachment, and allow the people in my life the dignity of their own choices and the natural consequences of those choices. I struggle with that a lot, because I think I can so clearly see "the thing to do" - but then again, I am sure my loved ones look at me sometimes and feel the same way.
For me, sometimes just talking or posting about things helps. At least that way, I've given voice to my thoughts and feelings, and they aren't just trapped in my mind.
(((hugs))) to you. I hope the anger and resentment will fade for today.
Iamhere said
Jan 5, 2018
Hey there Linda - so very sorry for your anger and resentments and can relate. This disease is powerful and maddening and for most of us, it does bring about emotions and more that we don't want, yet struggle to move beyond.
My best course of action to combat my own anger and resentments really was throwing myself, as best I could, into Al-Anon recovery. Prior to this, I had tried all kinds of 'self-focused' things, yet I needed more - the structure, the steps, the sponsor, the accountability to others to put me first - all of these things and more I got in Al-Anon and it was life-changing.
I am sorry for the impact the disease has had on both your mom and your sister. It's considered a family disease as it does reach out well beyond the A and affect the life of those who live with or love them. I'm sending you and all positive thoughts and prayers - there is hope and help in recovery!
Tude said
Jan 5, 2018
Nice to meet you Lindajean. Similar situations going on here. I am newly back in Alanon and am so grateful for this program and all who are in it.
(((((((((Lindajean)))))))))
2HP said
Jan 5, 2018
welcome Lindajean, I understand your frustration.
I have 80 year-old parents too, and despite all my "suggestions" for them, they are quite determined to live out their lives just as they are, making life much harder than it has to be (martyrdom.)
In an alcoholic dysfunctional family, difficulties are compounded when nobody is willing to honestly see themselves.... my siblings seem most concerned with updating mom and dad's tech capabilities, lol
By working step 4 inventory, I've been able to notice that my parents never asked ME for my input, I just like to offer it when they complain, and they complain a lot. I've also noticed, they are not interested in my solutions, they just want an ear to be heard and understood.
Options for me are to detach and let go.... or be dragged, sometimes until I'm bloody. Sometimes this is what it takes and when I see myself bleeding, my compassion switches over to ME... then I become ready to re-direct my energies.
My expectation that my parents and siblings should act differently sets ME up for resentment (harm to my heart) and puts pressure on them because they do "feel" my disapproval and lack of acceptance. (harm, harm, harm.) What I really want, my ultimate goal, is for my parents to leave this earth feeling nothing but peace and love from me.
I always go back to the first 3 steps... to practicing TRUST in the Higher Power when I see myself struggling... TRUST in the Higher Power taking care of everything... with or without my input.
May we BOTH find the courage to live in a world we don't always agree with
and may we recognize the power we do have.... to take really GOOD care of ourselves today.
(((big hugs)))
Lindajean said
Jan 5, 2018
Thank you all for your wonderful posts! Everyone of you helped me to understand that I must continue to work my program.
I have not been attending the meetings and it has taken its toll on me. After I posted this morning I got out my kindle and started to read my Alanon material. Wow, I had lost myself completely in my sister's disease and trying to change her and my mother. Yes, I am not God and I cannot control or change anyone but myself. How fast one forgets the greatness of this program! For my sanity I need to work the steps and attend meetings.
As a child of an functioning alcoholic I was raised with wanting to control my environment. Or, I would let someone else control it for me..aka men! At 60 I must start to Trust God more and YES, as 2HP states " find the courage to live in a world we don't always agree with". That's a hard one for me because I know it all! LOL
Again, I cannot thank you enough for being here for me. I will continue reading this site and posting more.
hugs to you all!!
Linda
SerenityRUS said
Jan 5, 2018
Hi Linda,
Welcome back. :) I just wanted to say one thing I like about anger is that it is a motivator for change. So good on you for seeing it in a healthy way, expressing what you are feeling and finding a way to cope in a positive healthy way to get things done.
Keep coming back .. I leak when I get to far from program.
Hugs S :)
Tude said
Jan 5, 2018
Thank you to all who shared.
Interesting that so many stories are the same.......my Adad is 80....my trying to control him not getting hurt etc....and the answer is always the same. Al-anon.
LOL! I got so off last night in not knowing what to do.....I called my mom (they are divorced, she's been in alanon before) just to ask for her input. "What is my responsibility and where do I draw the line in protecting my dad........" She told me in a nutshell she wouldn't want me interfering if it was her. It really helped. I had picked the worry back up again. Today the anger at another situation with an A and oh my..........just reading the posts help to know I am not alone and this works if I work it!
I have not posted in awhile but need to vent. I am very familiar with the Alanon program and try my best to work it. However, My anger and resentment are taking a major hold on me. My 54 year old alcoholic sister is living with my 80 year old mother. I live next door to my mother and witness so much enabling and dysfunction. I have set boundaries and I do not get confrontational with my alcoholic sister who when drinking is mean and likes to start fights. I stop over to check on mom over my lunch hour and my sister is now throwing up all the time. I'm sure she is very sick in her disease. I'm angry that she will not seek treatment and also at my mother who lets her stay with her. (my mother has rentals and since my dad's passing my sister drinks and helps with the properties). My sisters oldest son has nothing to do with her. I have three other sisters who are worried sick about mom, yet mom say's she is strong etc.
So I sit back and watch my 80 year old mother take care of her alcoholic daughter? My sister will not seek help and I can tell my mother is aging more rapidly due to her being there. My mother is a big time enabler who does not like confrontation or arguing. She took care of my dad, who was also alcoholic, and now this sister. Such anger and resentment and not know what if anything to do!!!
Thanks for letting me share
LJ
I'm glad you posted, and I am sorry to hear of your situation. It is a challenging one, for sure.
As hard as it is, your sister's drinking is her choice, and your mom's enabling is also your mom's choice. It sounds as though you and your other sisters have expressed your concern about the situation to your mom already. It kind of seems that all there is that you can do in this situation is say "I love you, I care about you, and I am concerned about the toll this is taking on you."
One of the things I learned and am still learning is that one of the most loving things I can do is to practice detachment, and allow the people in my life the dignity of their own choices and the natural consequences of those choices. I struggle with that a lot, because I think I can so clearly see "the thing to do" - but then again, I am sure my loved ones look at me sometimes and feel the same way.
For me, sometimes just talking or posting about things helps. At least that way, I've given voice to my thoughts and feelings, and they aren't just trapped in my mind.
(((hugs))) to you. I hope the anger and resentment will fade for today.
My best course of action to combat my own anger and resentments really was throwing myself, as best I could, into Al-Anon recovery. Prior to this, I had tried all kinds of 'self-focused' things, yet I needed more - the structure, the steps, the sponsor, the accountability to others to put me first - all of these things and more I got in Al-Anon and it was life-changing.
I am sorry for the impact the disease has had on both your mom and your sister. It's considered a family disease as it does reach out well beyond the A and affect the life of those who live with or love them. I'm sending you and all positive thoughts and prayers - there is hope and help in recovery!
(((((((((Lindajean)))))))))
I have 80 year-old parents too, and despite all my "suggestions" for them, they are quite determined to live out their lives just as they are, making life much harder than it has to be (martyrdom.)
In an alcoholic dysfunctional family, difficulties are compounded when nobody is willing to honestly see themselves.... my siblings seem most concerned with updating mom and dad's tech capabilities, lol
By working step 4 inventory, I've been able to notice that my parents never asked ME for my input, I just like to offer it when they complain, and they complain a lot. I've also noticed, they are not interested in my solutions, they just want an ear to be heard and understood.
Options for me are to detach and let go.... or be dragged, sometimes until I'm bloody. Sometimes this is what it takes and when I see myself bleeding, my compassion switches over to ME... then I become ready to re-direct my energies.
My expectation that my parents and siblings should act differently sets ME up for resentment (harm to my heart) and puts pressure on them because they do "feel" my disapproval and lack of acceptance. (harm, harm, harm.) What I really want, my ultimate goal, is for my parents to leave this earth feeling nothing but peace and love from me.
I always go back to the first 3 steps... to practicing TRUST in the Higher Power when I see myself struggling... TRUST in the Higher Power taking care of everything... with or without my input.
May we BOTH find the courage to live in a world we don't always agree with
and may we recognize the power we do have.... to take really GOOD care of ourselves today.
(((big hugs)))
I have not been attending the meetings and it has taken its toll on me. After I posted this morning I got out my kindle and started to read my Alanon material. Wow, I had lost myself completely in my sister's disease and trying to change her and my mother. Yes, I am not God and I cannot control or change anyone but myself. How fast one forgets the greatness of this program! For my sanity I need to work the steps and attend meetings.
As a child of an functioning alcoholic I was raised with wanting to control my environment. Or, I would let someone else control it for me..aka men! At 60 I must start to Trust God more and YES, as 2HP states " find the courage to live in a world we don't always agree with". That's a hard one for me because I know it all! LOL
Again, I cannot thank you enough for being here for me. I will continue reading this site and posting more.
hugs to you all!!
Linda
Welcome back. :) I just wanted to say one thing I like about anger is that it is a motivator for change. So good on you for seeing it in a healthy way, expressing what you are feeling and finding a way to cope in a positive healthy way to get things done.
Keep coming back .. I leak when I get to far from program.
Hugs S :)
Interesting that so many stories are the same.......my Adad is 80....my trying to control him not getting hurt etc....and the answer is always the same. Al-anon.
LOL! I got so off last night in not knowing what to do.....I called my mom (they are divorced, she's been in alanon before) just to ask for her input. "What is my responsibility and where do I draw the line in protecting my dad........" She told me in a nutshell she wouldn't want me interfering if it was her. It really helped. I had picked the worry back up again. Today the anger at another situation with an A and oh my..........just reading the posts help to know I am not alone and this works if I work it!
Hugs to all!