I wanted to ask your ESH about making decisions early on in recovery.
I know that it is advised not to make major decisions during the first 6 months of recovery.
Unfortunately, I don't think I am going to get that choice. I am going to have to make some decisions, because my husband has been admitted to a rehab/sober living facility. The program is 3 months initial rehab phases, 3 months second phase (looking for work, continuing meeting attendance) etc, and then they can stay in the sober living facility for as long as they want, paying rent and staying on top of their responsibilities around the house.
So I am planning to be on my own for the next minimum six months.
I am open to the prospect of a reconciliation, but I would want that to be after he had demonstrated some kind of ability to support himself and look after himself and stay clean. And I think that can only be proven over time and I foresee some dangers in this, because I imagine he might lie or try really hard to "impress me" to get back into the home to early. So I think that establishing my independent life is the next step for me. If he comes back into the picture later (stable and earning income and clean) then great! And if not, I will have set myself up on a good footing for whatever the future brings.
The issue is that there are a few moving parts.
One is that I am a grad student and we are currently living in a third country, where neither of us are locals but we have both been for the past few years. My scholarships are our main income, but without him bringing anything in, I am not sure I will make enough each month. The other issue is we recently moved away from an area where we have friends and support to be in a more affordable neigbourhood. Second, my husband was my main childcare solution. I will need something else, but that takes us back to the first issue of income...
I have the opportunity to go back to my home country and stay with my mum... my husband thinks this is what I should do. But my family is a bit dysfunctional and I am worried about that... my dad is still a heavy drinker (he and my mum are my qualifiers for Al Anon).
It's all a bit hard to think through. I am wondering what principles should be guiding me? How can I turn to a higher power for help in this situation?
Thank you all for listening.
Iamhere said
Jan 5, 2018
(((Annie))) - first off ... glad to hear that your AH is seeking recovery. No matter what the future brings, I am always so glad to hear of one getting help from this disease. As you've written, the program does suggest no big decisions for the first 6 months. This is a suggestion only, and you and all certainly have the right/ability to make any decision that keeps you safe and healthy. I tend to view healthy to include heart, mind, emotions, soul....more than physical!
I just wrote in another thread that I am a write about it, talk about it and pray about it processor. I am better able to look at the facts in this way. As far as guiding principles, One Day at a Time and To Thine Own Self be True popped to the front of my brain. I wish you well as you process what is best for you for your recovery. Easy Does It also comes to mind as I tend to think I have to make big decisions in a fast time-frame and that's not always the case.
(((Hugs)))
Skorpi said
Jan 5, 2018
(((Annie)))
I am glad that your AH is seeking recovery.
When I am faced with big decisions, I make myself a sheet of paper with each option open to me and then do a pro/con list on each option. Then, I will talk about my options with a trusted friend or mentor. Sometimes there are additional options or advantages or disadvantages that I didn't see. Then, I go through the advantages and cross out the things that are more wishful thinking than reality. Finally, I go through the con lists and circle any items that would cross my boundaries or are so negative, that they would end up hurting more than helping. I'm a hands-on type person, so thinking through my options with this sort of physical activity and manipulation really helps me. The process also slows me down. I'm likely to jump from the frying pan into the fire if I do not slow myself and my thinking down.
(((hugs)))
Lyne said
Jan 5, 2018
Greetings. It's good to delay major decisions when newly in program but some circumstances just don't allow for that. Your survival, which includes kids, must be a priority. Nothing is perfect, but being a mom, the well-being of children is always paramount. If you could find a sponsor, even through the message board, it might be a great help to you at this point in time. I wish you all the best, Lyne
SerenityRUS said
Jan 5, 2018
All of the above .. sometimes circumstances does mitigate some decisions however it's good to be in a calm place in making those choices. I do agree that not jumping into the frying pan making sure for your own sanity you are ready. More meetings and sponsorship are a must. â¤â¤ i look at things if it's good for me it's going to be good for the family unit. I am the sole provider my needs in this case come first. Hugs.
Maresie said
Jan 5, 2018
What a hardship for you. I am so sorry to hear that.
In al anon we have a suggestion to make a plan b. That is look.at all you need to solve this predicament. I made a plan b and for me it made it a lot less daunting to take them one by one.
In al anon.we learn how to be independent.and in charge of out own life. At one time in my life I wanted to be dependent to feel taken care of. Like You I had a partner who completely collapsed in terms of functioning. I had to work very.hard to recover from that. In fact I would say it took me years. There was certainly an interim phase where I had to look at temporary situations.
While al anon has suggestions they are suggestions not maxims. The overriding principle if So anon is to make life easier and less stressful.
Maresie
AnnieFenk321 said
Jan 7, 2018
Thank you for all of your help. It looks like I am going to try to get approval from my grad school to return to my country of origin for a nine month period while my husband is in this program
, hopefully I will get approval to continue my work remotely and will continue to receive my scholarships and stipends.
I am also planning on working when I get there.
It is going to be really hard to be in such close proximity to my parents again. I am going to be living with my mum but thankfully we'll all be working and she will have her social life, so I don't imagine it will be too much one on one time. Her visits (we are in the middle of one now actually) can be really difficult because she isn't a very positive person and it wears me down after a while. I was apprehensive about signing up to be part of her world again but I think it will be manageable because there won't be so much time where either of us have nothing to do.
Iamhere said
Jan 7, 2018
Annie - best to you as you move forward with your plan. My positive thoughts and prayers continue. I can share that Al-Anon has really helped me be a better daughter with my parents - and that sometimes does include making plans to avoid contact. (((Hugs)))
Hi friends,
I wanted to ask your ESH about making decisions early on in recovery.
I know that it is advised not to make major decisions during the first 6 months of recovery.
Unfortunately, I don't think I am going to get that choice. I am going to have to make some decisions, because my husband has been admitted to a rehab/sober living facility. The program is 3 months initial rehab phases, 3 months second phase (looking for work, continuing meeting attendance) etc, and then they can stay in the sober living facility for as long as they want, paying rent and staying on top of their responsibilities around the house.
So I am planning to be on my own for the next minimum six months.
I am open to the prospect of a reconciliation, but I would want that to be after he had demonstrated some kind of ability to support himself and look after himself and stay clean. And I think that can only be proven over time and I foresee some dangers in this, because I imagine he might lie or try really hard to "impress me" to get back into the home to early. So I think that establishing my independent life is the next step for me. If he comes back into the picture later (stable and earning income and clean) then great! And if not, I will have set myself up on a good footing for whatever the future brings.
The issue is that there are a few moving parts.
One is that I am a grad student and we are currently living in a third country, where neither of us are locals but we have both been for the past few years. My scholarships are our main income, but without him bringing anything in, I am not sure I will make enough each month. The other issue is we recently moved away from an area where we have friends and support to be in a more affordable neigbourhood. Second, my husband was my main childcare solution. I will need something else, but that takes us back to the first issue of income...
I have the opportunity to go back to my home country and stay with my mum... my husband thinks this is what I should do. But my family is a bit dysfunctional and I am worried about that... my dad is still a heavy drinker (he and my mum are my qualifiers for Al Anon).
It's all a bit hard to think through. I am wondering what principles should be guiding me? How can I turn to a higher power for help in this situation?
Thank you all for listening.
I just wrote in another thread that I am a write about it, talk about it and pray about it processor. I am better able to look at the facts in this way. As far as guiding principles, One Day at a Time and To Thine Own Self be True popped to the front of my brain. I wish you well as you process what is best for you for your recovery. Easy Does It also comes to mind as I tend to think I have to make big decisions in a fast time-frame and that's not always the case.
(((Hugs)))
I am glad that your AH is seeking recovery.
When I am faced with big decisions, I make myself a sheet of paper with each option open to me and then do a pro/con list on each option. Then, I will talk about my options with a trusted friend or mentor. Sometimes there are additional options or advantages or disadvantages that I didn't see. Then, I go through the advantages and cross out the things that are more wishful thinking than reality. Finally, I go through the con lists and circle any items that would cross my boundaries or are so negative, that they would end up hurting more than helping. I'm a hands-on type person, so thinking through my options with this sort of physical activity and manipulation really helps me. The process also slows me down. I'm likely to jump from the frying pan into the fire if I do not slow myself and my thinking down.
(((hugs)))
What a hardship for you. I am so sorry to hear that.
In al anon we have a suggestion to make a plan b. That is look.at all you need to solve this predicament. I made a plan b and for me it made it a lot less daunting to take them one by one.
In al anon.we learn how to be independent.and in charge of out own life. At one time in my life I wanted to be dependent to feel taken care of. Like You I had a partner who completely collapsed in terms of functioning. I had to work very.hard to recover from that. In fact I would say it took me years. There was certainly an interim phase where I had to look at temporary situations.
While al anon has suggestions they are suggestions not maxims. The overriding principle if So anon is to make life easier and less stressful.
Maresie
, hopefully I will get approval to continue my work remotely and will continue to receive my scholarships and stipends.
I am also planning on working when I get there.
It is going to be really hard to be in such close proximity to my parents again. I am going to be living with my mum but thankfully we'll all be working and she will have her social life, so I don't imagine it will be too much one on one time. Her visits (we are in the middle of one now actually) can be really difficult because she isn't a very positive person and it wears me down after a while. I was apprehensive about signing up to be part of her world again but I think it will be manageable because there won't be so much time where either of us have nothing to do.