Sitting with something that happened. I thought I would share, see what I get back...
So last Friday evening, my spouse called me at work from rehab. I did not answer as I can't while I am at work. The message was that he got some official kind of document and he had all these questions about what it was. He asked if I would call the number he gave (which was a common room payphone). Since I had no idea what this was, I was hesitant to call. I called his sister instead. She told me that the document had gone to the (now defunct) address and thus got fowarded to her address. She and her mother brought the document to him. She said that she told him she couldn't be sure, but it may be a separation or divorce petition notice. She said his main concern was if he was going to get to see his kid again. So I told her that I filed for divorce on Dec. 6th, and I took it to the sheriff's station to have him served on the 15th. They told me "2 weeks, and I'll get a notice in the mail." We talked about me not being strong enough to call him about this piece of documentation (I was crying when we were talking). She told me to not call, and she would advise him to wait, as the whole packet detailing everything would be there soon. I told her if he still was agitated about visitation, let her brother know that I consulted an attorney and I was advised that due to Kid's age, no court would demand a visitation order... so I could write in the petition that Kid had the right to make the decision of whether or not to visit. That was indeed what I did.
He called on New Year's Eve to say "Hi" and to wish me a "Happy New Year." Luckily, I did not listen to THAT voicemail until I got home late that night. He sounded sad, and didn't ask anymore questions, so I figured he had been served. I wrote him a "farewell" letter that night... I had revised it several times and mailed it the next day.
Fast forward to yesterday, SIL is asking if I knew if he had been served, as she had called his counselor at the facility and had not received a call back. She said she also looked up the case online and it didn't say anything. I told her only what I knew... what the Sheriff's baliff told me. I also reiterated that once it was filed, the timing was out of my hands. I said that when I get the notice in the mail, I'll let her know. I also told her the company I was using to draw everything up did NOT send this... I found out the courthouse did!
Well this morning I got to thinking that it is beyond the 2 week time frame, and if SHE could look it up, so could I! It showed that the sheriff attempted to serve him YESTERDAY. There was also a note from a facility employee that she could not verify that he was there, and he was not an employee, so the Sheriff's department was denied!!! I did not know a facility could do that!! That is one of the main reasons I paid the Sheriff to do this... I thought they could get it done where a private processor could not. Now my only recourse is to wait 30 days until he moves into sober living and try again, or ask someone who visits him to do it!!!
Again, tonight I got a call at work... it was my STBXH. He said many things... one was that "He understood." The other was that he was doing really good, and all he is hoping for is to be friends. He said he did not blame me. He asked that I not ignore his calls. It has only been 60 days for him. For me, it's been 4 months, but months of stress trying to figure out how to "adult" on my own. I am ending a 29 year marriage... this is still too raw for me to think about "automatic" friendship. Yea, it may be nice someday, this all makes me nervous b/c I did tell him in my letter that I NEED limited contact. I feel a little overwhelmed tonight.
Thanks for letting me type!
Kez said
Jan 5, 2018
Thank you for sharing.
Deep inside your heart, one cannot lie to oneself. One knows their truth deep inside the heart. When it was my time to search, I had peace when I made the decision that you have made. If you have to wait for 60 days, nothing inside you will change if you have made the right one for yourself. You will find you get stronger, tougher, you will fight for your decision to hang onto it, to make it go forward and through. You will find the right person to help you serve the papers, they will be presented to you for if it is Gods will for you, it will be so.
For me, I believe this was my Gods will for me because I had such peace and I was without regret. I had tried for everything for a long time without change. I left and went back three times for I had two little girls to think of. I was in Al Anon the entire time but my love did not die until it was killedslowly and over time. As I look back over my shoulder, I do not forget why I cried, nor for how long. Please believe that you are not doing to hurt, indeed, you are showing such love. Love especially for yourself. You are holding your hand up and saying no to all things unacceptable, firstly for yourself but secondly for your son. You are no hurting your husband either. He is not well and will try everything to get you to change your mind, especially guilt. If your decision is bringing you peace, then it is the right decision. You will have peace but you will also have courage to go forward and keep strong, to not change your mind and you will have found value for yourself. When I took the same action as you my husband looked at me and said, you know, you did the one thing I thought you would never do..you left. I had lost my credibility with him going and coming so when I said, thats it, he did not believe me. Have I regretted it, no. did it hurt, yes because I had to let go of my dreams. Letting go of a person is easier than letting go of a dream but all the time I knew deep in my heart that I had care about myself enough deep down to say no to all things unacceptable. I raised my two girls on my own and now they are in happy marriages free of addictions. Dont please forget why you have cried, you have tried and tried and tried, you know you have but you have cried also and deep within your heart you know your truth.search it. One does not make these decisions lightly, or in a whimone has journeyed long and hard but one has also reached the moment when one hears oneself say, you dont get to treat me like this anymore and so the answer is no. These words are not spoken through resentment or spite, they are love for oneself, care for oneself, kindness for oneself. You have shown such LOVE. You are a heroa hero is someone who is scared to do something, but does it anyway. If there is peace then you have loved yourself so much that you cared about your life, your happiness, your heart, your health, your mind, your soul and your childs life and also for the man you are leaving. Stick to Al Anon fellowship tightly, you are not alone and while you are going through this time, they will hold your hand as they walk beside you. A long time ago the program taught me about the insanity I had inside of me through Step 2.I kept doing the same things expecting a different result and then one day I said, no. It was a word I had never used in 12 years of marriage. It sounds to me through your sharing that you have said it now too. Your heart holds the truth for you dear one. I wish you peace, courage and more love.
Iamhere said
Jan 5, 2018
(((PnP))) - so very sorry for the administration issues with this process. Of course, it would be nice if what you know now could have been known then - yet - that's not the facts today. For me, when I feel pulled emotionally, I try to change it up and process with facts. It's yet another thing were practice and easier at times than other.
I sometimes really need to be reminded that I have rights - rights to grieve whatever it is for however long I need to, rights to step away from people, places and things, rights to have peace in my heart, mind and life. I still have this 'first response' of protecting others from pain that I need reminding is really not my responsibility. Again, easier said than done sometimes.
I really love to write about it, talk about it and pray about it. Usually the next step I should take appears as I process and I'm less likely to react/respond emotionally. While I am way better at putting self first today, I really try to do so with grace as I do know deep down each of us is in a different space of living, loving, grieving, healing...
It does help me to remember that my As are good people with a horrid disease. I do not believe any of the pain caused by this disease in them is/was intentional. When I can use this program, the steps and tools to wrangle my way out of situations where my emotions are trying to drive the outcome, it does seem to better align with healthy, mature self-care.
You're doing great PnP and your share is raw, real and telling. Trust the program and the process and be gentle with you, just for today. (((Hugs)))
Skorpi said
Jan 5, 2018
(((PnP)))
Sorry to hear about the administrative issues. I have a tendency myself to want to protect others from emotional pain. It helps me to remember that I need to first take care of myself. When I feel that pull to "make things better" for others, I stop and ask myself - am I first making things better for myself?
It sounds as though you have made a hard decision, but one that is good for you. And it sounds as though you have expressed your need for space (limited contact). I think a real friend would honor your request.
You are doing great. Be gentle with yourself.
Maresie said
Jan 5, 2018
I had issues with the Sheriff serving papers
They will make more than one attempt. You.could call them.
The way to guarantee delivery is to have a professional process server go. That costs which is why you used the Sheriff.
I.dodnt have success using the Sheriff to serve papers but some people do. They do manage to get through to certain people.
It might be the facility doesn't want to pull people out of classes to sign for stuff.
Getting divorced takes a while. Being patient is not easy. Being patient is a very big skill and we all know how we develop those skills under pressure.
Maresie
SerenityRUS said
Jan 5, 2018
I was going to ask if you would be willing to call the rehab and speak with your stbax's counselor. Talk to them and find the best way to handle the situation, it seems to me that this is not a new situation and there just needs some additional communication to deal with things. It's very doable, it just has a current hiccup.
Big hugs, this is not easy, it's always emotional in the beginning and it is extremely sad. Be easy on you and remember he's right where he needs to be to get the best help. I think one thing that has always hung me up is not asking the right question OR thinking I didn't have a different way to look at things.
Hugs S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 5, 2018
Kez - Thank you so much for your share! It really, I mean REALLY uplifted my spirits today! And you are so right... if it is the right decision for me (it is), then I can wait 30 days until he is in sober living. When I look at my actions, I waited for his family (so they could get him help) for 2 months, then I waited b/c it was going to be during Thanksgiving - Lord knows I couldn't serve him the papers then! - So I tried to get it done before Christmas. But even that backfired! I don't need to think about it anymore... in fact, I am trying so hard to put it behind me... but perhaps I need to practice patience with this.
IAH - You are so correct! I DO have rights. I have to remember that my timeline will not match his... and that's OK. I am not a bad person b/c I want to move on. I am currently working in the Blueprint for Progress workbook, and have finished Self-Worth thru Resentment. I spent quite a bit of time on the Anger section. I am taking it slow in the Control section - I know I have issues with Control (or when there is a lack thereof). I will trust in the process. Thank you!
Thank you, Skorpi and Maresie for your support. It is through my online friends here that I find strength.
Serenity - You make a very good point. If I am completely honest with myself, I am afraid to contact his counselor b/c I am afraid they are going to berate me for not attending their family meetings and visiting him. But in reading your share, I realize that is emotion and my "people-pleasing" crap talking. If that does happen, I could just tell them that this is a second-time for me, and I have chosen to say "enough is enough"... so why visit? I will think on this some more... it will take a couple days to get the packet back from the sheriff - snail mail - so I have some time. Again... patience needed.
Thank you all for helping me to get my head on straight! LOL!
2HP said
Jan 5, 2018
I dont see how you yourself have gone backwards one bit. You appear to still be walking in one direction - peace.
It's just not on your timeline. I get that. It wasn't on my timeline either, lol
My journey had the same "opportunities" for realizing WHO is in charge. Always presents itself as an "obstacle" which is why they told me we have a dis-ease of perception, believing everything we think....
I myself had entertained the idea of divorce long before I ever filed. And when I finally made the decision, I wanted it finalized quickly, quick! quick!! for fear I myself might change my mind and go "backwards" to that old life again....
You know the direction you are headed. If you are anything like me, you know there is no going backwards anymore, you must have peace just to stay alive. You are in Al-Anon practicing FAITH with the rest of us... never easy while sitting in discomfort, I know. I felt grateful that at least I didn't have to do it alone anymore, I had a fellowship sitting alongside me... all of us learning to TRUST that the universe is unfolding just as it should.
While waiting for my divorce to be finalized, I'd go for daily walks in the park. My sponsor encouraged me to BEGIN living the life I wanted... the park was where I felt relaxed and peaceful....
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 5th of January 2018 03:40:07 PM
YARNCRAZY said
Jan 5, 2018
holding your hand across the miles. its been 2 years since my 25 yr marriage died. yes died. no matter how abusive my XAH treated me, i still felt the mourning signs of anger hurt aloneness,resentment acceptance and then pride in myself for saving myself finally. prayers,hugs to you from me and all those here im sure.
_bunny_ said
Jan 6, 2018
(((PosiesandPuppies))) thank you for sharing, Im feeling like 1 step forward and 2 back today and it is good to know I am not alone. When I find the courage to take positive action for me, I tend to feel uncomfortable for a bit. This anxious feeling I get is my disease. Ive been effected (sometimes I feel like infected) by the family disease of alcoholism. My disease is as very much real to me as my AHs disease. My disease is cunning and progressive also. The more I heal, the more cunning my disease gets. For me its important to remember the voice in my head is my disease/Ego/self-will. This is why slowing down for self care is so very important when Im feeling overwhelmed. I can remind myself of the positive action Ive chosen and let go of the results and trust all is as it should be. Hugs and Im glad youre here.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 6, 2018
Alyce - Thank you... sometimes knowing there are others that have been through something "just like your something" is comforting.
Carrie - Thank you for sharing your ESH. Maybe it is that I am so used to not doing for me alone.
Peace to you both!
Maresie said
Jan 7, 2018
I.cant say I found talking to the people at the rehab helpful.
Their maxim was for people to conform to their program. I did not attend any of the family programs. The idea was to be supportive of #him# rather than of me.
I felt a great deal of pressure to be available when I had my own issues. Personally I don't know how they can think a relationship can work when they institute this cut off and then limit how much someokbe can be available for phone calls.
I would not advise on any level thinking your husband's counselor will be or coiuld be sympathetic to you. In fact I would say their refusal of the Sheriff is because they do not want to deal with it. Many rehab programs are obsessed with what they call their success rates. Having your husband relapse would be a failure for them.
There are people who turn it around in rehab I met one the other day. Somne of them do get an understanding of what their behavior cost others
Alcoholics are really expert st undermining boundaries
They are also good at manipulating. Their continued drinking depends on it. I know an alcohol8c who totally made up his relationship with his daughter. He acted as though he had had contact with her when in reality he missed her entire childhood adolescence and current adulthood. I seriously doiubt he will ever admit he chose alcohol over her. Alcoholics need to preserve their image and getting a divorce us not going to be easy.
Whatever way the papers get served (and I would never use the Sheriff's agaun) it is almost guaranteed he is not going to react well.
Sitting with something that happened. I thought I would share, see what I get back...
So last Friday evening, my spouse called me at work from rehab. I did not answer as I can't while I am at work. The message was that he got some official kind of document and he had all these questions about what it was. He asked if I would call the number he gave (which was a common room payphone). Since I had no idea what this was, I was hesitant to call. I called his sister instead. She told me that the document had gone to the (now defunct) address and thus got fowarded to her address. She and her mother brought the document to him. She said that she told him she couldn't be sure, but it may be a separation or divorce petition notice. She said his main concern was if he was going to get to see his kid again. So I told her that I filed for divorce on Dec. 6th, and I took it to the sheriff's station to have him served on the 15th. They told me "2 weeks, and I'll get a notice in the mail." We talked about me not being strong enough to call him about this piece of documentation (I was crying when we were talking). She told me to not call, and she would advise him to wait, as the whole packet detailing everything would be there soon. I told her if he still was agitated about visitation, let her brother know that I consulted an attorney and I was advised that due to Kid's age, no court would demand a visitation order... so I could write in the petition that Kid had the right to make the decision of whether or not to visit. That was indeed what I did.
He called on New Year's Eve to say "Hi" and to wish me a "Happy New Year." Luckily, I did not listen to THAT voicemail until I got home late that night. He sounded sad, and didn't ask anymore questions, so I figured he had been served. I wrote him a "farewell" letter that night... I had revised it several times and mailed it the next day.
Fast forward to yesterday, SIL is asking if I knew if he had been served, as she had called his counselor at the facility and had not received a call back. She said she also looked up the case online and it didn't say anything. I told her only what I knew... what the Sheriff's baliff told me. I also reiterated that once it was filed, the timing was out of my hands. I said that when I get the notice in the mail, I'll let her know. I also told her the company I was using to draw everything up did NOT send this... I found out the courthouse did!
Well this morning I got to thinking that it is beyond the 2 week time frame, and if SHE could look it up, so could I! It showed that the sheriff attempted to serve him YESTERDAY.
There was also a note from a facility employee that she could not verify that he was there, and he was not an employee, so the Sheriff's department was denied!!! I did not know a facility could do that!! That is one of the main reasons I paid the Sheriff to do this... I thought they could get it done where a private processor could not. Now my only recourse is to wait 30 days until he moves into sober living and try again, or ask someone who visits him to do it!!!
Again, tonight I got a call at work... it was my STBXH. He said many things... one was that "He understood." The other was that he was doing really good, and all he is hoping for is to be friends. He said he did not blame me. He asked that I not ignore his calls. It has only been 60 days for him. For me, it's been 4 months, but months of stress trying to figure out how to "adult" on my own. I am ending a 29 year marriage... this is still too raw for me to think about "automatic" friendship. Yea, it may be nice someday, this all makes me nervous b/c I did tell him in my letter that I NEED limited contact. I feel a little overwhelmed tonight.
Thanks for letting me type!
Deep inside your heart, one cannot lie to oneself. One knows their truth deep inside the heart. When it was my time to search, I had peace when I made the decision that you have made. If you have to wait for 60 days, nothing inside you will change if you have made the right one for yourself. You will find you get stronger, tougher, you will fight for your decision to hang onto it, to make it go forward and through. You will find the right person to help you serve the papers, they will be presented to you for if it is Gods will for you, it will be so.
For me, I believe this was my Gods will for me because I had such peace and I was without regret. I had tried for everything for a long time without change. I left and went back three times for I had two little girls to think of. I was in Al Anon the entire time but my love did not die until it was killedslowly and over time. As I look back over my shoulder, I do not forget why I cried, nor for how long. Please believe that you are not doing to hurt, indeed, you are showing such love. Love especially for yourself. You are holding your hand up and saying no to all things unacceptable, firstly for yourself but secondly for your son. You are no hurting your husband either. He is not well and will try everything to get you to change your mind, especially guilt. If your decision is bringing you peace, then it is the right decision. You will have peace but you will also have courage to go forward and keep strong, to not change your mind and you will have found value for yourself. When I took the same action as you my husband looked at me and said, you know, you did the one thing I thought you would never do..you left. I had lost my credibility with him going and coming so when I said, thats it, he did not believe me. Have I regretted it, no. did it hurt, yes because I had to let go of my dreams. Letting go of a person is easier than letting go of a dream but all the time I knew deep in my heart that I had care about myself enough deep down to say no to all things unacceptable. I raised my two girls on my own and now they are in happy marriages free of addictions. Dont please forget why you have cried, you have tried and tried and tried, you know you have but you have cried also and deep within your heart you know your truth.search it. One does not make these decisions lightly, or in a whimone has journeyed long and hard but one has also reached the moment when one hears oneself say, you dont get to treat me like this anymore and so the answer is no. These words are not spoken through resentment or spite, they are love for oneself, care for oneself, kindness for oneself. You have shown such LOVE. You are a heroa hero is someone who is scared to do something, but does it anyway. If there is peace then you have loved yourself so much that you cared about your life, your happiness, your heart, your health, your mind, your soul and your childs life and also for the man you are leaving. Stick to Al Anon fellowship tightly, you are not alone and while you are going through this time, they will hold your hand as they walk beside you. A long time ago the program taught me about the insanity I had inside of me through Step 2.I kept doing the same things expecting a different result and then one day I said, no. It was a word I had never used in 12 years of marriage. It sounds to me through your sharing that you have said it now too. Your heart holds the truth for you dear one. I wish you peace, courage and more love.
I sometimes really need to be reminded that I have rights - rights to grieve whatever it is for however long I need to, rights to step away from people, places and things, rights to have peace in my heart, mind and life. I still have this 'first response' of protecting others from pain that I need reminding is really not my responsibility. Again, easier said than done sometimes.
I really love to write about it, talk about it and pray about it. Usually the next step I should take appears as I process and I'm less likely to react/respond emotionally. While I am way better at putting self first today, I really try to do so with grace as I do know deep down each of us is in a different space of living, loving, grieving, healing...
It does help me to remember that my As are good people with a horrid disease. I do not believe any of the pain caused by this disease in them is/was intentional. When I can use this program, the steps and tools to wrangle my way out of situations where my emotions are trying to drive the outcome, it does seem to better align with healthy, mature self-care.
You're doing great PnP and your share is raw, real and telling. Trust the program and the process and be gentle with you, just for today. (((Hugs)))
Sorry to hear about the administrative issues. I have a tendency myself to want to protect others from emotional pain. It helps me to remember that I need to first take care of myself. When I feel that pull to "make things better" for others, I stop and ask myself - am I first making things better for myself?
It sounds as though you have made a hard decision, but one that is good for you. And it sounds as though you have expressed your need for space (limited contact). I think a real friend would honor your request.
You are doing great. Be gentle with yourself.
I had issues with the Sheriff serving papers
They will make more than one attempt. You.could call them.
The way to guarantee delivery is to have a professional process server go. That costs which is why you used the Sheriff.
I.dodnt have success using the Sheriff to serve papers but some people do. They do manage to get through to certain people.
It might be the facility doesn't want to pull people out of classes to sign for stuff.
Getting divorced takes a while. Being patient is not easy. Being patient is a very big skill and we all know how we develop those skills under pressure.
Maresie
Big hugs, this is not easy, it's always emotional in the beginning and it is extremely sad. Be easy on you and remember he's right where he needs to be to get the best help. I think one thing that has always hung me up is not asking the right question OR thinking I didn't have a different way to look at things.
Hugs S :)
Kez - Thank you so much for your share! It really, I mean REALLY uplifted my spirits today! And you are so right... if it is the right decision for me (it is), then I can wait 30 days until he is in sober living. When I look at my actions, I waited for his family (so they could get him help) for 2 months, then I waited b/c it was going to be during Thanksgiving - Lord knows I couldn't serve him the papers then! - So I tried to get it done before Christmas. But even that backfired! I don't need to think about it anymore... in fact, I am trying so hard to put it behind me... but perhaps I need to practice patience with this.
IAH - You are so correct! I DO have rights. I have to remember that my timeline will not match his... and that's OK. I am not a bad person b/c I want to move on. I am currently working in the Blueprint for Progress workbook, and have finished Self-Worth thru Resentment. I spent quite a bit of time on the Anger section. I am taking it slow in the Control section - I know I have issues with Control (or when there is a lack thereof). I will trust in the process. Thank you!
Thank you, Skorpi and Maresie for your support. It is through my online friends here that I find strength.
Serenity - You make a very good point. If I am completely honest with myself, I am afraid to contact his counselor b/c I am afraid they are going to berate me for not attending their family meetings and visiting him. But in reading your share, I realize that is emotion and my "people-pleasing" crap talking. If that does happen, I could just tell them that this is a second-time for me, and I have chosen to say "enough is enough"... so why visit? I will think on this some more... it will take a couple days to get the packet back from the sheriff - snail mail - so I have some time. Again... patience needed.
Thank you all for helping me to get my head on straight! LOL!
I dont see how you yourself have gone backwards one bit. You appear to still be walking in one direction - peace.
It's just not on your timeline. I get that. It wasn't on my timeline either, lol
My journey had the same "opportunities" for realizing WHO is in charge. Always presents itself as an "obstacle" which is why they told me we have a dis-ease of perception, believing everything we think....
I myself had entertained the idea of divorce long before I ever filed. And when I finally made the decision, I wanted it finalized quickly, quick! quick!! for fear I myself might change my mind and go "backwards" to that old life again....
You know the direction you are headed. If you are anything like me, you know there is no going backwards anymore, you must have peace just to stay alive. You are in Al-Anon practicing FAITH with the rest of us... never easy while sitting in discomfort, I know. I felt grateful that at least I didn't have to do it alone anymore, I had a fellowship sitting alongside me... all of us learning to TRUST that the universe is unfolding just as it should.
While waiting for my divorce to be finalized, I'd go for daily walks in the park. My sponsor encouraged me to BEGIN living the life I wanted... the park was where I felt relaxed and peaceful....
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 5th of January 2018 03:40:07 PM
Carrie - Thank you for sharing your ESH. Maybe it is that I am so used to not doing for me alone.
Peace to you both!
I.cant say I found talking to the people at the rehab helpful.
Their maxim was for people to conform to their program. I did not attend any of the family programs. The idea was to be supportive of #him# rather than of me.
I felt a great deal of pressure to be available when I had my own issues. Personally I don't know how they can think a relationship can work when they institute this cut off and then limit how much someokbe can be available for phone calls.
I would not advise on any level thinking your husband's counselor will be or coiuld be sympathetic to you. In fact I would say their refusal of the Sheriff is because they do not want to deal with it. Many rehab programs are obsessed with what they call their success rates. Having your husband relapse would be a failure for them.
There are people who turn it around in rehab I met one the other day. Somne of them do get an understanding of what their behavior cost others
Alcoholics are really expert st undermining boundaries
They are also good at manipulating. Their continued drinking depends on it. I know an alcohol8c who totally made up his relationship with his daughter. He acted as though he had had contact with her when in reality he missed her entire childhood adolescence and current adulthood. I seriously doiubt he will ever admit he chose alcohol over her. Alcoholics need to preserve their image and getting a divorce us not going to be easy.
Whatever way the papers get served (and I would never use the Sheriff's agaun) it is almost guaranteed he is not going to react well.
Maresie