Hi, a while ago I asked my AH to leave and stay with his parents as me and my children didn't feel comfortable with him being there. Not only is he an alcoholic but also a cocaine addict. Things had become abusive and I didn't want my children in that atmosphere. AH has been to rehab and has been supposedly clean for 3 1/2 months now BUT he is not clean still drinking (thinks it's ok if just a few) and cocaine (also thinks it's ok maybe once a week!). I had made it quite clear he could not come back to the family home unless he was in recovery (not pretending) and had changed his attitude. Today he said he wants to come back by the end of January or he won't pay me anything towards our mortgage. I do not take kindly to blackmail. I have only recently reached out for help through al-anon so am still new to all this but I believe I am doing the right thing not allowing him back. I will not be manipulated or blackmailed anymore by this man. He says I'm hindering his recovery by not letting him in the family home and I'm not supporting him!! How can I support someone who actively lies about being clean š”..I appreciate he has a disease and I can't help him but I am so frustrated by it all. I just cannot comprehend the selfishness of this disease. I feel there is no hope for him.
Iamhere said
Jan 3, 2018
Sending you thoughts and prayers Allywoo! I know that mine were 'willing to go to any length' to get what they felt they needed. I used our program of recovery to put me first and go to all lengths possible to keep myself safe, sane and serene.
You have a right to a safe home for you and your children. My best suggestion is to do your research and see what all your options are while working your recovery program. (((Hugs)))
Twinkies said
Jan 3, 2018
Hi allywoo :wave: nice to meet you! Iām new here, so my thoughts arenāt the most seasoned, and itās important to note that (my understanding at least) specific advice is generally not given here. Whatās right for one may not be right for someone else. That being said, I think the most important thing to ask yourself is what is going to work for YOU? Personally, at this point in time, Iām prepared to lose whatever I might in order to gain peace and happiness in my life. Iām not in the position you are though and actually being there might change my perspective. My AH is still in our home. His drinking hasnāt ever caused us any financial instability, nor has the physical well-being of myself or or kids ever been in jeopardy. But it has caused a tremendous amount of emotional pain and I recently hit my breaking point on that front. I had/have no set in stone plan other than to do what I need to do in the moment to get closer to the serenity I need. However, once I made the decision to put the well-being of myself and our kids first, I knew that us being apart might be the end result. For me, it was time to prioritize my needs (peace, serenity, release from the anger and frustration I was feeling) vs. my wants (an intact family, financial security, a nice home). If the time ever comes that one of us needs to leave, I know it will be hard, and that everything weāve built so far would be gone too. But I also know that at that point, Iād be doing what I needed to do in order to reach peace and fulfill a need that Iāve been neglecting for a long time.
Another One said
Jan 3, 2018
Hi Allywoo,
I am not a professional and think your situation needs a professional input ... with that said.
My belief is that if you have thought long and hard about something, got input from family and somewhat strangers (not vested to you) and made every conscious effort to consider every possible angle ... any decision you make, you should feel is the right one for that moment in time.
Re "no hope" -- that may be a case by case basis but I thought there was no hope for my wife. But she went to a 28 day program and has been clean for the past 2 months. Now I have hope. She has hope. Hope can be born. My advice would be to see if he is willing to go into a 28 day program.
Mattie said
Jan 3, 2018
That is certainly some blackmail he is trying. In my experience "a little" addictive behavior never stops at a little. So I think you are wise to be extremely cautious and stick to your boundaries. If he really wanted to move back in, he has a simple alternative: he could get and stay clean and sober. Instead he is trying to manipulate your response with money. Trying to buy his way in. I hope you can figure out a way around the mortgage problem, so you're no longer hostage to his distorted thinking. Hang in there.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 3, 2018
(((Allywoo)))
There is always Hope. However, with this disease, the hope must come from within them. Al-Anon helps those affected by addiction(especially alcohol) to learn to worry and manage the only thing they can effectively manage... themselves. Since you have children, it is imperative they have a safe and loving environment. You are not wrong to demand that for them.
My ESH - My hubby used the "You are impeding my recovery process" card a lot. So much so, that what I thought was up was down, etc. I ended up not believing my instincts, and feeling so much GUILT for thinking what he was doing was wrong! This allowed his problems to go on and on. Al-Anon helped me to understand, "quacking," the lies they tell, and most importantly "Gas-lighting." Once my eyes were opened, they could never be shut again!
Like Twinkies shared, I too, was ready to give everything up to be free of the madness and to create a safe space for my Kid - and I pretty much did. Listen to the voice deep within you... it is already telling you that he is trying to blackmail you and it is WRONG! Your voice is right. It IS wrong. You may have to get a lawyer to keep him from returning.
Last time doing "this." my spouse "graduated" out of a 90 day program. Then I waited another 30 days before I allowed him back into the home and our lives. He was working his program hard and was almost the man I married... within 6 months of being back, he was refusing to go to meetings, then talking to his sponsor. Within the year, it was all beginning to go downhill, but I was in denial, big time! At the time, my boundary was that, "If I was put in this position again, the marriage is over." Because of my denial, I allowed him to trample all over that boundary. My ESH is... don't allow him back for at least a year (with him really working a recovery). Most importantly, do not be the one to monitor that recovery. It is his alone. You will know by actions that he is doing what he needs. I found that the common saying on these boards, "Time will tell," is SO true. So be strong in what you know in your heart! Learn about manipulation tactics and gas-lighting.
As usual, take what you want and leave the rest... this is just my ESH.
allywoo said
Jan 3, 2018
Thankyou for all your replies, I greatly appreciate the shares. Since joining I have found an inner strength I thought I did not have or could not find. Everyday I am getting stronger and have more belief in myself.
Tude said
Jan 3, 2018
I'm new here too allywoo. Good to see you and keep coming back! You have great insight for being new :) You are sticking to your boundaries!
You have a right to a safe home for you and your children. My best suggestion is to do your research and see what all your options are while working your recovery program. (((Hugs)))
I am not a professional and think your situation needs a professional input ... with that said.
My belief is that if you have thought long and hard about something, got input from family and somewhat strangers (not vested to you) and made every conscious effort to consider every possible angle ... any decision you make, you should feel is the right one for that moment in time.
Re "no hope" -- that may be a case by case basis but I thought there was no hope for my wife. But she went to a 28 day program and has been clean for the past 2 months. Now I have hope. She has hope. Hope can be born. My advice would be to see if he is willing to go into a 28 day program.
That is certainly some blackmail he is trying. In my experience "a little" addictive behavior never stops at a little. So I think you are wise to be extremely cautious and stick to your boundaries. If he really wanted to move back in, he has a simple alternative: he could get and stay clean and sober. Instead he is trying to manipulate your response with money. Trying to buy his way in. I hope you can figure out a way around the mortgage problem, so you're no longer hostage to his distorted thinking. Hang in there.
(((Allywoo)))
There is always Hope. However, with this disease, the hope must come from within them. Al-Anon helps those affected by addiction(especially alcohol) to learn to worry and manage the only thing they can effectively manage... themselves. Since you have children, it is imperative they have a safe and loving environment. You are not wrong to demand that for them.
My ESH - My hubby used the "You are impeding my recovery process" card a lot. So much so, that what I thought was up was down, etc. I ended up not believing my instincts, and feeling so much GUILT for thinking what he was doing was wrong! This allowed his problems to go on and on. Al-Anon helped me to understand, "quacking," the lies they tell, and most importantly "Gas-lighting." Once my eyes were opened, they could never be shut again!
Like Twinkies shared, I too, was ready to give everything up to be free of the madness and to create a safe space for my Kid - and I pretty much did. Listen to the voice deep within you... it is already telling you that he is trying to blackmail you and it is WRONG! Your voice is right. It IS wrong. You may have to get a lawyer to keep him from returning.
Last time doing "this." my spouse "graduated" out of a 90 day program. Then I waited another 30 days before I allowed him back into the home and our lives. He was working his program hard and was almost the man I married... within 6 months of being back, he was refusing to go to meetings, then talking to his sponsor. Within the year, it was all beginning to go downhill, but I was in denial, big time! At the time, my boundary was that, "If I was put in this position again, the marriage is over." Because of my denial, I allowed him to trample all over that boundary. My ESH is... don't allow him back for at least a year (with him really working a recovery). Most importantly, do not be the one to monitor that recovery. It is his alone. You will know by actions that he is doing what he needs. I found that the common saying on these boards, "Time will tell," is SO true. So be strong in what you know in your heart! Learn about manipulation tactics and gas-lighting.
As usual, take what you want and leave the rest... this is just my ESH.