My husband is an addict (alcohol and opiates). He's yet to truly go into recovery. He's trying - has some white knuckle periods - but nothing too much more than that. I've been in regular individual therapy regarding this for approx. 3 years now. We've discussed couple's therapy - he and I. I keep saying I'm not willing to give anymore of of MY time and effort until he is in recovery. Some days this seems perfectly reasonable. Some days though I feel like it couldn't hurt - maybe I'm only dragging this all out by digging my heels in here. Or not. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I literally can not make up my mind.
Iamhere said
Jan 2, 2018
Hey Kay - my AH and I never did couple counseling. However, with him active in relapse and 2 boys both also qualifiers for my Al-Anon journey, family counseling and even individual counseling for them was a pointless effort as they were not willing to be honest. Everyone went because I thought it would help. So, my own experience is going for the wrong reasons doesn't work out well and it did nothing for healing our family.
Best to you - maybe others will share with more similar experiences! (((Hugs)))
2HP said
Jan 2, 2018
We went to couples counseling while he was active. His spin on reality and turning the tables made me feel completely nuts. Today I understand he had to deny the truth because he was never prepared to let go of his crutch.
His inability to see himself honestly meant that we could not achieve much in couples counseling, even though we spent thousand$$$$ trying.
The lesson for me... counselors (and other professionals we tried.... ) are as powerless as the rest of us.
It is fair to add that my former alcoholic husband had his moments of clarity and would experience occasional humiliation and remorse.... which always built up my hopes. However, his clarity was always short-lived because....... he never stopped using.
so I went to counseling for ME because I have been "affected." I never regretted building a strong support system for myself.
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 2nd of January 2018 03:03:20 PM
milkwood said
Jan 2, 2018
We tried couples counselling.
Our counsellor was not very experienced regarding alcoholism and I think that our sessions did more damage to our relationship than good. On the plus side I was left with a much clearer idea of where I stood, which was pretty much in a hole, and how ineffective words were in our instance.
I found the whole thing pretty painful since I would get my hopes up and then feel humiliated when my husband used our sessions to be abusive.
I decided instead to take the best possible care of myself and to invest in my own life - I figured that I might as well be happy in myself and as and when my husband wanted to share life together it would be on terms that did not undermine my self-esteem. My thinking was that I wanted to survive and thrive regardless of my husband's alcoholism because I was a nicer person for me, and him, to be around when I was in a good place.
SoggySlippers said
Jan 2, 2018
kayS wrote:
My husband is an addict (alcohol and opiates). He's yet to truly go into recovery. He's trying - has some white knuckle periods - but nothing too much more than that. I've been in regular individual therapy regarding this for approx. 3 years now. We've discussed couple's therapy - he and I. I keep saying I'm not willing to give anymore of of MY time and effort until he is in recovery. Some days this seems perfectly reasonable. Some days though I feel like it couldn't hurt - maybe I'm only dragging this all out by digging my heels in here. Or not. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I literally can not make up my mind.
My husband has asked me to go to marriage counseling.At first I said no way,told him he needs to work on his own issues first before working on our marriage problems.
Lately though,I have been considering it.His addictions ARE a part of our marriage problems.His addictions are not just a him thing,they're a we thing.I have been thinking it couldn't hurt,just the same as you.
I'm not sure what I will do.One thing I do know though is although everyone has their own experiences and their own opinions on it,this ultimately has to be my own personal decision.
I totally feel you on not being able to make up your mind because I'm in the same boat.I guess I will need to make a list of pros and cons and also try to put my expectations into perspective before deciding.
-- Edited by SoggySlippers on Tuesday 2nd of January 2018 05:58:20 PM
Mattie said
Jan 3, 2018
My A and I went to several counselors over time. I would always raise the issue of his drinking and he would snow the counselor so that it always seemed to be my problem. "She's so paranoid about drinking, I just don't know what's wrong with her." And the counselor would say, "Why do you think you're so sensitive about drinking?" Or he would declare that he would quit and the counselor would think that solved the problem. (Of course he never actually quit, he would just swear he had.) All these counselors had no experience in alcoholism. Finally I found two counselors (over time) just for me. Both of them told me that they had a policy of never seeing a couple where one had an addiction and was not in active recovery, because it was useless to try to treat the problems of the relationship when there was an untreated addiction. So that's my experience, and everything I saw suggested those two counselors were right.
SerenityRUS said
Jan 3, 2018
I echo previous replies .. my ex sat in counseling and never said a word. Nothing good came from it. When he saw an addictions counselor and I was in the room he tried to pull the tricks of the past and that guy was amazing because he called my ex out and I had enough alanon to keep my mouth shut. Needless to say it was an awkward ride home. He was extremely agitated and I knew he wasn't going back and he didn't. Keep coming back s :)
Skorpi said
Jan 3, 2018
Hi Kay,
I've suggested that my wife and I go to couples counseling twice. Both times, I went to the appointments, and she didn't show for her intake. (It is common to have separate intake appointments before seeing the counselor together where I am.) So, neither time actually got to the point of going to sessions together. I doubt it would have helped, as she was active in her addiction both times. When she started treatment for her addiction this last time, she wanted me to go, and I declined for about a year, because I was upset about what had happened in the past, and I honestly didn't think she was in a place of being able to work on our relationship. Turns out I was probably right, because when I finally agreed, and said she would have to set it up because in the past I had and she hadn't showed, that's the last I heard of it. Seems that for her, "going to couples therapy" is a "grand gesture" she can make to show her "ultimate commitment" to our relationship. Follow through by way of actually showing up for counseling doesn't seem to be on the agenda.
For me, I found that going to therapy myself, and attending AlAnon, working on myself and my approach to the world really helps, and is the only thing that positively impacts our relationship. I cannot make her want to be a full and active participating partner in the relationship, and I cannot make her work on herself and her own issues, so all that is left is for me to work on mine.
SoggySlippers said
Jan 3, 2018
SoggySlippers wrote:
My husband has asked me to go to marriage counseling.At first I said no way,told him he needs to work on his own issues first before working on our marriage problems.
Lately though,I have been considering it.His addictions ARE a part of our marriage problems.His addictions are not just a him thing,they're a we thing.I have been thinking it couldn't hurt,just the same as you.
I'm not sure what I will do.One thing I do know though is although everyone has their own experiences and their own opinions on it,this ultimately has to be my own personal decision.
I totally feel you on not being able to make up your mind because I'm in the same boat.I guess I will need to make a list of pros and cons and also try to put my expectations into perspective before deciding.
-- Edited by SoggySlippers on Tuesday 2nd of January 2018 05:58:20 PM
I wanted to add that the reason I said no way when he asked was because we tried this very thing years ago.It turned out pretty much like the other replies here.He completely conned the therapist into thinking he was this perfect guy,perfect husband and any and all problems were because of me.It was frustrating and humiliating and I stopped going,so did he.Of course he thought it was funny and what I deserved over the 'forced' marriage counseling.He didn't want to go in the first place.
This time,he's the one who wants this and I don't want to go.I don't want to take a chance on that same frustration and humiliation.I might though,maybe see how the sessions go.If he's just wanting this thinking it will make me stay and shut me up,I will be able to see through it.I wouldn't continue going if he tries to b.s. his way through it again.
I already know any counselor we see will suggest individual therapy.That's something I have been thinking about getting into anyway.So I'm not sure whether I should just skip the couples therapy and go straight to individual or give this a go again.
I really need to pray and meditate on this.I'm not sure of what I truly want and how much of my thinking right now is a grudge and punishment because of the last time.I feel so torn over this.
It's a tough position to be in.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 3, 2018
((((Kay5))))
My ESH is pretty much the same as everyone who posted previously. Husband and I were in couples counseling for 11 years before his addictions/lying became so bad that he couldn't hide the lies anymore. Once our therapist found out, she declined to see him; she would see only me. She would not see someone who was actively abusing (whatever substance). So if you decide to go, make sure you enter with little to no expectations, and are seeing a therapist well-versed in dealing with someone with addiction issues, so that they can "call your spouse out" when he quacks!
Wishing you peace today.
Twinkies said
Jan 3, 2018
Iâve tried convincing my AH to attend couples therapy for a long time, especially in the last year as his drinking has escalated and my tolerance for it has diminished. But my recent mind-shift about things makes me realize how pointless it all would be anyway if heâs not completely on board with it. I admit I have issues outside of his drinking that I need to deal with, but even knowing this, even being willing to work on my inside issues for the benefit of âusâ, my primary goal (unspoken and not acknowledged) was still for the therapist to tell him that his drinking was the primary issue. The truth is, that while I still think thatâs true, it doesnât matter. Until or unless he acknowledges that his drinking is out of control and is not good for HIM, itâs impact on âusâ can never really be fixed anyway. That being said, when I talked with AH last weekend about the boundaries I was putting in place for myself, I did tell him that I was going to couples counseling with him or without him. He could choose to attend if he wanted to or he could continue to approach our marriage as he has been, I didnât care. And I really donât. Iâm doing this for me, and while technically it wonât be âcouplesâ counseling if only one of us goes, it will, hopefully, be counseling that helps me function better in my role as part of the couple that we are. While his drinking is a huge roadblock for us, itâs not the only one. As long as weâre still together, I might as well start trying to deal with some of the baggage I bring to the marriage too. I might not be able to make any headway with the alcohol abuse through couples counseling, but that doesnât mean that progress in other areas canât be made.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 3, 2018
WAY TO GO, TWINKIES!
KT2015 said
Jan 3, 2018
I went to counselling with my AH as well. The counsellor identified right away that the drinking was causing problems and told him he needed to figure that out for himself. The rest was focused on the communication in our marriage. We got some stuff from it in terms of better ways to communicate but I wouldn't do it again.
tiredtonite said
Jan 3, 2018
kayS
My personal experience was it wasn't successful while my exah was using. His focus was to try to coerce narcotics during the sessions. This doesn't mean it will be unsuccessful for you as a couple. This is just my experience. Who can really say when and under what circumstance the A might connect with the god of their understanding and change might occur.
For myself, the real work began when he was removed from sessions to go to rehab. It opened a whole new world for me with the combination of Alanon, my hp and time with a professional. Although long ago, that professional remains high on my gratitude list.
Some time in prayer and meditation with your hp may bring the answer of what would be best for the two of you. I wish you the best with your decision. (((hugs)) TT
Lil99 said
Jan 6, 2018
I tried couples counselling - this was before I realised my partner was a problem drinker. I was just aware of problems in the relationship, some were related to him sneaking off to the pub every day and lying about it. I wouldn't say it was that successful. My partner refused to speak about it in the sessions, which was frustrating for me and the counselor. The lying and manipulation continued in the sessions, which really undermined the whole process. The counselor didn't seem to pick up on the underlying alcoholism either, but then it wasn't their specialist area.
A few years later I went to see a different counselor on my own to help with anxiety. Purely by coincidence this counselor was also a specialist in addiction, and picked up on my partner's alcoholic behavior - at this point I still hadn't realised that was what it was. This was the game-changer for me as I finally saw the crazy head spinning behaviors for what they were. Still no easy solutions, but that was what brought me to Alanon. It also took my partner to AA, but only for a couple of evenings - he's still convinced he can solve this on his own.
My husband is an addict (alcohol and opiates). He's yet to truly go into recovery. He's trying - has some white knuckle periods - but nothing too much more than that. I've been in regular individual therapy regarding this for approx. 3 years now. We've discussed couple's therapy - he and I. I keep saying I'm not willing to give anymore of of MY time and effort until he is in recovery. Some days this seems perfectly reasonable. Some days though I feel like it couldn't hurt - maybe I'm only dragging this all out by digging my heels in here. Or not. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I literally can not make up my mind.
Best to you - maybe others will share with more similar experiences! (((Hugs)))
We went to couples counseling while he was active. His spin on reality and turning the tables made me feel completely nuts. Today I understand he had to deny the truth because he was never prepared to let go of his crutch.
His inability to see himself honestly meant that we could not achieve much in couples counseling, even though we spent thousand$$$$ trying.
The lesson for me... counselors (and other professionals we tried.... ) are as powerless as the rest of us.
It is fair to add that my former alcoholic husband had his moments of clarity and would experience occasional humiliation and remorse.... which always built up my hopes. However, his clarity was always short-lived because....... he never stopped using.
so I went to counseling for ME because I have been "affected." I never regretted building a strong support system for myself.
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 2nd of January 2018 03:03:20 PM
Our counsellor was not very experienced regarding alcoholism and I think that our sessions did more damage to our relationship than good. On the plus side I was left with a much clearer idea of where I stood, which was pretty much in a hole, and how ineffective words were in our instance.
I found the whole thing pretty painful since I would get my hopes up and then feel humiliated when my husband used our sessions to be abusive.
I decided instead to take the best possible care of myself and to invest in my own life - I figured that I might as well be happy in myself and as and when my husband wanted to share life together it would be on terms that did not undermine my self-esteem. My thinking was that I wanted to survive and thrive regardless of my husband's alcoholism because I was a nicer person for me, and him, to be around when I was in a good place.
My husband has asked me to go to marriage counseling.At first I said no way,told him he needs to work on his own issues first before working on our marriage problems.
Lately though,I have been considering it.His addictions ARE a part of our marriage problems.His addictions are not just a him thing,they're a we thing.I have been thinking it couldn't hurt,just the same as you.
I'm not sure what I will do.One thing I do know though is although everyone has their own experiences and their own opinions on it,this ultimately has to be my own personal decision.
I totally feel you on not being able to make up your mind because I'm in the same boat.I guess I will need to make a list of pros and cons and also try to put my expectations into perspective before deciding.
-- Edited by SoggySlippers on Tuesday 2nd of January 2018 05:58:20 PM
My A and I went to several counselors over time. I would always raise the issue of his drinking and he would snow the counselor so that it always seemed to be my problem. "She's so paranoid about drinking, I just don't know what's wrong with her." And the counselor would say, "Why do you think you're so sensitive about drinking?" Or he would declare that he would quit and the counselor would think that solved the problem. (Of course he never actually quit, he would just swear he had.) All these counselors had no experience in alcoholism. Finally I found two counselors (over time) just for me. Both of them told me that they had a policy of never seeing a couple where one had an addiction and was not in active recovery, because it was useless to try to treat the problems of the relationship when there was an untreated addiction. So that's my experience, and everything I saw suggested those two counselors were right.
I've suggested that my wife and I go to couples counseling twice. Both times, I went to the appointments, and she didn't show for her intake. (It is common to have separate intake appointments before seeing the counselor together where I am.) So, neither time actually got to the point of going to sessions together. I doubt it would have helped, as she was active in her addiction both times. When she started treatment for her addiction this last time, she wanted me to go, and I declined for about a year, because I was upset about what had happened in the past, and I honestly didn't think she was in a place of being able to work on our relationship. Turns out I was probably right, because when I finally agreed, and said she would have to set it up because in the past I had and she hadn't showed, that's the last I heard of it. Seems that for her, "going to couples therapy" is a "grand gesture" she can make to show her "ultimate commitment" to our relationship. Follow through by way of actually showing up for counseling doesn't seem to be on the agenda.
For me, I found that going to therapy myself, and attending AlAnon, working on myself and my approach to the world really helps, and is the only thing that positively impacts our relationship. I cannot make her want to be a full and active participating partner in the relationship, and I cannot make her work on herself and her own issues, so all that is left is for me to work on mine.
I wanted to add that the reason I said no way when he asked was because we tried this very thing years ago.It turned out pretty much like the other replies here.He completely conned the therapist into thinking he was this perfect guy,perfect husband and any and all problems were because of me.It was frustrating and humiliating and I stopped going,so did he.Of course he thought it was funny and what I deserved over the 'forced' marriage counseling.He didn't want to go in the first place.
This time,he's the one who wants this and I don't want to go.I don't want to take a chance on that same frustration and humiliation.I might though,maybe see how the sessions go.If he's just wanting this thinking it will make me stay and shut me up,I will be able to see through it.I wouldn't continue going if he tries to b.s. his way through it again.
I already know any counselor we see will suggest individual therapy.That's something I have been thinking about getting into anyway.So I'm not sure whether I should just skip the couples therapy and go straight to individual or give this a go again.
I really need to pray and meditate on this.I'm not sure of what I truly want and how much of my thinking right now is a grudge and punishment because of the last time.I feel so torn over this.
It's a tough position to be in.
My ESH is pretty much the same as everyone who posted previously. Husband and I were in couples counseling for 11 years before his addictions/lying became so bad that he couldn't hide the lies anymore. Once our therapist found out, she declined to see him; she would see only me. She would not see someone who was actively abusing (whatever substance). So if you decide to go, make sure you enter with little to no expectations, and are seeing a therapist well-versed in dealing with someone with addiction issues, so that they can "call your spouse out" when he quacks!
Wishing you peace today.
kayS
My personal experience was it wasn't successful while my exah was using. His focus was to try to coerce narcotics during the sessions. This doesn't mean it will be unsuccessful for you as a couple. This is just my experience. Who can really say when and under what circumstance the A might connect with the god of their understanding and change might occur.
For myself, the real work began when he was removed from sessions to go to rehab. It opened a whole new world for me with the combination of Alanon, my hp and time with a professional. Although long ago, that professional remains high on my gratitude list.
Some time in prayer and meditation with your hp may bring the answer of what would be best for the two of you. I wish you the best with your decision. (((hugs)) TT
A few years later I went to see a different counselor on my own to help with anxiety. Purely by coincidence this counselor was also a specialist in addiction, and picked up on my partner's alcoholic behavior - at this point I still hadn't realised that was what it was. This was the game-changer for me as I finally saw the crazy head spinning behaviors for what they were. Still no easy solutions, but that was what brought me to Alanon. It also took my partner to AA, but only for a couple of evenings - he's still convinced he can solve this on his own.
All best wishes whatever you decide to do.